All Cats Are Introverts

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All Cats Are Introverts Page 2

by Francesco Marciuliano


  i jump off your lap

  I jump off your lap

  When I love your company

  But I need to be alone

  I jump off your lap

  When I am upset at you

  But I have trouble saying why

  I jump off your lap

  When all is going well

  But I fear I’ll annoy you soon

  I jump off your lap

  When it’s been five minutes

  But that’s all the time I need

  To convince myself I hung out this weekend

  read your body

  I can see it

  In the tilt of your head

  I can spot it

  In the movement of your hands

  I can tell it

  In the widening of your eyes

  I can sense it

  In the way you fell face-first to the floor

  Because when you’re quiet like me

  Because when you study Before you speak

  You can read the whole story

  In a person’s body language

  Hence why I can tell

  That, wow, you were choking on something huge

  Greetings Are Hard

  The dog

  Runs

  Runs

  Runs

  Right into your crotch

  Every time you come home

  And you say “Hello!”

  Yet when I

  Leap

  Leap

  Leap

  To smack you in the balls

  It’s like you can’t even tell I’m trying to say “Hi!”

  I’ll never get how to be social

  Wanted

  Send me a hint

  Show me a sign

  Pat your lap

  Your sofa

  Your chair

  Let me know

  In no uncertain terms

  That you want me to come over

  I won’t

  But I like to be invited

  Going to be over here for a while

  chatter

  “Click-click-click-click-click”

  I love to chatter with the bird outside my window

  “Click-click-click-click-click”

  Oh, how I could go on and on

  “Click-click-click-click-click”

  For when a topic interests me

  For when a subject engages me

  For when an absolute stranger and I just

  “Click-click-click-click-click”

  I’m more alive

  I’m more engaged

  I’m going to kill you, bird

  “Click-click-click-click-click”

  And to think I wasn’t going to come to this window today

  The Very Last Thing

  I wish I could

  I know I should

  But I just can’t tell you as a friend

  “I’d rather not see you tonight”

  So I make it awkward

  By avoiding you

  By disappearing from view

  By flailing my limbs

  Like a combine harvesting your skin

  Every time you come by to pick me up

  Yes, maybe one day I’ll be honest

  Yes, maybe one day I’ll be direct

  But for now the very last thing

  I’d ever want to do

  Is to hurt you

  Even though I’m pretty sure

  I just sliced right through your bone

  Someone Who Gets You (Out)

  I asked the ball

  The dog chases

  The dog brings back

  The dog carries wherever it goes

  How does it feel

  To be in such demand?

  And the ball said

  “The dog makes me get out

  When I get too deep in my head

  The dog makes me feel wanted

  When I feel too alone

  The dog makes me realize

  He will never leave me alone

  So sometimes I hide in the tall grass.”

  leave as two, left as one

  What kind of person

  What kind of “friend”

  Talks you into going out

  Tells you you’ll have a great time

  Takes you to a stranger’s place

  Then leaves you to mingle

  But alone

  Then socializes with everyone there

  But you

  Then leaves without a heads-up

  But wait

  I think I was just adopted

  something more

  For me

  It’s never about the excitement

  It’s never about mere thrill

  It’s always about the deeper meaning

  It’s always about the question “Why?”

  So I will walk right into your bathroom

  So I will stare as you sit on the toilet

  So I won’t blink

  The whole time

  Even as you wipe

  As all the while I will think

  “Why on earth am I doing this?”

  Because a life unexamined is a life unfulfilled

  A Select Few

  I am funny

  With you

  I am outgoing

  With you

  I am crazy

  With you

  Because my real self is a secret

  I share only with a select few

  Like you

  Like elevator butt!

  Elevator butt!

  Elevator butt!

  In your face while you read

  It’s How I Know You

  When you’re a friend

  I sit on your lap and purr

  When you’re an acquaintance

  I sit at the end of the couch and observe

  When you’re a stranger

  I sit in another room until I am ready

  When you’re someone I have to confront

  I sit in an open field

  Two towns over

  So good thing I have that tracking chip

  when i do speak up

  I don’t often meow

  I don’t often purr

  I can go hours without making a sound

  So when I do speak up

  Know that my words are well-considered

  Know that my statement is quite relevant

  And know that you’re probably

  Stepping on my paw

  could be

  You like sofas

  You like food

  You like stretching

  You like naps

  We have so much in common

  We could be such good friends

  But I don’t know how

  And I don’t know why

  And I don’t know when

  I thought my best approach

  Was to walk across your open sandwich

  Wow, that was a lot of mustard

  So I should probably say my goodbyes

  Try New Things

  Don’t take the fact I’m hesitant

  Don’t take the fact I’m cautious

  Don’t take the fact I’m quite wary

  As meaning I’m not willing to try new things

  GET THIS HAT OFF ME

  GET THIS HAT OFF ME

  WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

  WHY HAVE THE GODS ABANDONED ME

  THIS IS NOT MY LIFE THIS IS NOT MY LIFEr />
  SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH

  BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD

  GET

  THIS

  HAT

  OFF OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!

  Just don’t force anything on me

  Answering Calls

  Why don’t I answer

  Whenever you call?

  Maybe I’m too focused on a project

  And don’t wish to be interrupted

  Maybe I’m too caught up in my own thoughts

  And can’t quite catch what you are saying

  Maybe I’m just busy tearing open your couch

  Or thinking how I tore open your couch

  Or don’t feel like talking about the couch

  When what’s done is done

  And also I threw up a little inside it

  So maybe I’ll get back to you some other time

  a poem on the aquarium tank i just brought down to the ground, killing eight prize fish and covering the new rug in filtered water, shattered glass, colorful gravel, and one small scuba diver

  Oh great

  A conversation starter

  I Hear You

  You don’t have to tell me

  “No.”

  “No!”

  “NO!”

  “NO!!!”

  Over and over again

  Because I’m great at listening

  Because I’m fantastic at paying attention

  Because this ugly-ass Christmas tree ornament

  Is going down no matter what

  So please stop with your constant criticism

  And let me do my work

  more than you may know

  More than the honorable to a promise

  More than the endeared to a love

  More than the righteous to a cause

  I will be loyal to you

  I will be there for you

  I just may not be around you

  For long stretches at a time

  Especially now that I discovered

  You can make a hideout

  With just a throw pillow and a blanket

  heartache

  When a friendship ends

  The agony begins

  Because a friend

  Is someone I confide in

  A friend

  Is someone I share my world with

  A friend

  Is one of the very few I ever truly let in

  And so when they are gone

  And so when they just leave

  There is not so much a hole

  As a huge tear in my life

  And how dare they cause one so loyal

  To feel this much pain

  So good riddance and go to hell

  Shiny metal disklike thing

  I used to bat all around the apartment

  I hope you have fun

  With all the new friends you will make

  In the large-capacity detachable canister

  Of the vacuum cleaner you let take you from my life

  chapter three

  One Too Many

  Maybe I wouldn’t

  Nap so much

  If people didn’t

  Exhaust me so often

  when i first enter a crowded room

  When my tail is up

  I am at ease

  Because I know everyone here

  When my tail is low

  I am on edge

  Because I know only a few people here

  When my tail is down

  I am on full alert

  Because I know absolutely no one here

  And when my tail is bushy

  I am on my last nerve

  Because I know that asshole Steve is here

  I’m Not Shy

  I’m not shy

  I’m not aloof

  I’m not as solitary

  As some people might think

  I just don’t need

  A large ring of acquaintances

  When I can have

  A tight circle of friends

  Friends I’ve forged tight bonds with

  Friends I can just be me with

  Friends who are actually toys I play with

  Because even with close friends

  I can sometimes do without the small talk

  convince myself

  I’m on the couch

  I’m ready to go

  I should go

  How can I get out of going?

  No, don’t go there

  I will have a good time

  I will be glad I did this

  I will regret if I didn’t

  I could still get out of this

  I could just stay on this couch

  This soft, soft couch

  No

  No

  NO

  I can only say “No” so many times

  And still expect to be invited

  And I was invited

  And I am expected

  And I will enjoy myself

  Besides

  My person said this vet doesn’t do shots

  Just fish-fry dinners

  Do I Know Enough?

  Close friends

  Good friends

  Just friends

  Acquaintances

  Associates

  All those names, names, names

  How do some people

  Know so many people

  And I’m so wrong

  To only know a few?

  Like “That one who put the cone on me”

  Or “That bastard who put the cone on me”

  Or “I hate him”

  Perhaps I know enough people as is

  Social

  “You don’t want this”

  “No one should have made you do this”

  “You should leave right now”

  Whenever I’m confronted by something new

  Whenever I’m surrounded by people unfamiliar

  Whenever I find myself at a party

  My mind keeps saying

  “You don’t want this and you should go”

  So I hide in the bedroom

  So I hide in the bathroom

  Trying to keep busy and keep to myself

  But sometimes I see a friendly face

  Sometimes someone will say “Hello”

  And sometimes I can shut out all of those thoughts

  If I try

  If I try so damn hard

  And before I know it I’m meeting someone new

  My head smothered in salsa and black beans

  Because sometimes I also hide at the snack table

  Neck deep in seven-layer nacho dip

  extrovert

  Don’t

  Push me to meet new people

  Don’t

  Expect me to greet strangers at the door

  Don’t

  Think I will suddenly become outgoing

  If you keep taking me out of the bedroom

  For all your friends to see

  Please don’t

  Try to turn me into an extrovert

  But do

  Know that when I come to you

  That when I sit on your lap

  That when I blink at your face

  My affection is real

  My love is true

  And my weight won’t shatter your pelvis

  And/or testicles

  Like when that Great Dane jumped on you for more attention

  birthdays

  B
irthdays should not be big days

  Birthdays should be small affairs

  With only the closest of friends

  And the furthest hope

  Of me wanting to be surprised

  Of me posing for any photos

  Of me playing with the toy you got me

  Of me realizing this is even a party

  Of me not gagging on the glitter

  That fell out of the birthday card

  That you inexplicably bought me

  And great, now I have unicorn vomit

  On my new birthday toy

  That you just took away to clean

  Along with the rest of the glitter

  I haven’t finished eating

  And where is everyone going?

  I thought this was a party

  Hey, now my poop sparkles

  See, birthdays should not be big days

  Because no one can handle so much

  Subtle

  I don’t like to comment

  I don’t care to criticize

  I don’t feel comfortable

  Telling someone they’ve done something wrong

  But if I take my time

  But if I gather my thoughts

  But if knock a full glass off of the counter

  I can indeed tell a party host

  That they need to buy much better booze

  Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Like People

  Just because I don’t like crowds

  Doesn’t mean I don’t like people

  Just because I don’t like gatherings

  Doesn’t mean I don’t like people

  Just because I don’t like you

  Doesn’t mean I don’t like people

  Just because I swallowed enough carpet fibers

  Just to vomit on your shoes

  Doesn’t mean I won’t befriend people

  It just means you and I are done

  purr

  “Perrrrrrrrrrrrr”

  No

  “Porrrrrrrrrrrrr”

  Not quite

  “Parrrrrrrrrrrrr”

  Not at all

  “Oink”

  What the hell?

  Wow

  I guess it has been a long time

  Since I tried to introduce myself

 

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