So back to Dessi. When she suddenly showed weakness by falling for Abdul, I just couldn’t cope. My quick response was to break off all contact. But maybe this wasn’t fair. I know what it’s like to fall for the wrong guy. Didn’t I have similar experiences with Sam and Danny? Maybe I’ve acted out my own disappointments by taking it out on Dessi.
Only now can that hard kernel around my heart begin to crack. Only now will I acknowledge how much I’ve missed, am still missing her. Only now can I acknowledge that ‘not speaking’ was childish. All I’ve gained is punishment and maliciousness. Only now can the idea of being as close to Dessi as we once were, begin to lighten my heart.
Though I don’t say anything to Mum, I wait for Sacha to come home and tell him some of my thoughts. I’m well aware of how impulsive I am and how this reacts poorly on me in the long run. After all, it’s this trait that allowed me to have sex with him when I was supposed, at least in my own mind, to be faithful to Abdul. At the time I certainly hadn’t stopped to think how it might affect Sacha and what the longterm implications might be. Though he’s smart enough to never approach me again that way, I hurt him terribly. But what if my hard heartedness towards Dessi comes from the same need to lash out at someone close, someone as close as my oldest friend?
At first Sacha is sure he’s done something wrong and that I’m about to ask him to leave. ‘Not at all,’ I’m quick to reassure him. ‘Mum loves… well, we both love having you here.’ Then I tell him my thoughts about Dessi.
He listens without interrupting. ‘I always thought you two’d get back together,’ he says when I finally stop talking.
My eyebrows shoot up. ‘Even when I was so angry with her?’
‘Sure,’ he says smiling. ‘Best friends have too much they’ve shared in the past to really throw everything away.’
Only now do I dare bring up the unmentionable. ‘You mean, even though we had sex up in Surfers, we’re able to go back to being great mates?’
He laughs and reaches over to hug me. I hug him back. How lucky am I to have such an understanding and undemanding friend. Maybe not all men are jerks. Maybe some are as sweet and caring as Sacha. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone just like him that I can love and trust, and who will love and trust me equally. But not Sacha. Never Sacha. Love affairs are too fragile, too easily broken. I’m far too frightened to lose him as a close friend by allowing our relationship to go any further.
Another thought strikes me. ‘You realise that none of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for Jon smashing up his car and Dessi getting hurt. It’s all to do with Chaos Theory.’
Sacha looks surprised. ‘What’s Chaos Theory?’
I recall Abdul’s exact words: ‘Chaos Theory suggests that real life is a series of incidents in which one event may change those that follow and make them unpredictable.’
‘That’d be about right,’ says Sacha. We think this over before I stand up and say, ‘Feel like another coffee?’
48. Epilogue
Acland Street, midday. Shoppers, latte drinkers, tourists, buskers, children and a group of teenagers dodging school, push their way through the crowd. Two women, one trim in a smart black suit, the other’s loose caftan hiding her plump body, appear from the car-park behind the arcade. Though an unlikely couple their body language and brief sentences suggest that they know each other well. After double-checking that a certain table inside the arcade is well hidden from passers-by, they settle themselves at it. This is Hannah and Julie, old friends who have come to spy on their daughters who have had a significant break in their friendship.
Hannah switches her cell phone onto voice-mail, places it in her bag and stows the bag under her chair. ‘Should be able to see them from here,’ she whispers.
Julie giggles. ‘Sneaking around like this makes me feel so naughty,’ she admits. ‘What if they see us? What’ll we say?’
Hannah suddenly leans forward. ‘There’s Emma.’ She inspects her watch. ‘She’s early.’
Julie mutters: ‘First time ever. Can’t see her from here. What’s she doing?’
‘Settling in one of the outside tables.’
Julie jumps up. ‘Can you see Dessi?’
‘Not so far… No, there she is. Now she’s sitting next to Emma. Thank god they’re talking.’
Julie settles back in her seat. ‘What else are they doing? Can you tell if they’re getting on?’
‘Not really,’ Hannah murmurs. ‘They’re not doing much… well, except talking…’ She maintains a running commentary. ‘A waitress has come over… they’re looking at the menu… they’re giving her their orders… they’re talking again…’
‘Do they seem friendly?’
‘Can’t tell.’ Hannah’s gaze stays fixed on the other side of the street. ‘They’re still talking…’
‘Well, that’s something. Talking is half the battle. Hopefully, that’ll help sort things out. How do they seem?’
‘Can’t tell.’ Hannah says briskly. She turns and her expression softens. ‘Do you remember the first time we met?’
Julie grimaces. ‘Do I ever. I was crying my eyes out about some guy.’ She bites her lip and laughs. ‘Guys. I sure can pick them!’
Hannah smiles briefly. It’s obvious she has heard all this before. ‘But can you believe,’ Julie continues, ‘I can barely recall his name.’
‘Bob, no Ben, wasn’t it?’
Julie blinks. ‘How come you remember?’
‘Weird brain, odd things stick. But I’ll always be grateful to him. Without Ben we might never have met.’
‘Guess not.’ Hannah smiles wryly to herself. What she will never tell Julie is that the same Ben had shortly after tried dating her. But knowing what she did, she had refused.
A slight pause. Then Julie’s peevish, ‘I can’t see anything from here. What’s happening?’
‘Not much… what do you know…’ Hannah springs to her feet. ‘They’re holding each other, they’re hugging and I think… it’s too far for me to see but I think they’re both crying…’
Julie also rises and focuses on the activity across the road. ‘Maybe we should go over and join them. We can always pretend that running into them is an accident.’
Hannah considers this. ‘I think not. I’d rather they didn’t suspect that I looked into Dessi’s email. Let’s leave it to them to patch things up and resume their friendship.’
‘Like us?’
‘Just like us. Only we’ve never had a serious break. Come on, I’ll give you lift home and then I have to get back to work.’
‘Right. Sorry,’ to the waiter who is approaching them with a menu. ‘We’ve changed our minds. But we’ll sure be back another time. And next time there’ll be four of us.’
‘That’s right,’ Julie echoes. ‘Two mothers, two daughters, all close friends.’
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