by Mac Barnett
Chapter
24
THERE WERE NO CLUMPS when the students filed into the auditorium on the last day of school, just an orderly line, single file. Josh Barkin stood just inside the entrance, inspecting the students and making indecipherable notes on his clipboard. Everything appeared to be in perfect order, but when Ms. Shandy’s homeroom took their seats, two students were missing. Miles and Niles were hidden in the wings of the stage, crouching behind some props from last year’s production of Peter Pan.
The assembly was scheduled to start at 2:00 P.M. At 1:59, Gus wheeled out the prank sign and set a pitcher of water on the podium. A minute later Bertrand Barkin, clad as always in a dark suit, pants belted and braced, took the stage.
“Children,” he said. “Congratulations. Congratulations to you and congratulations to me. Today is my 120th school day as principal, and things have gone exactly as I expected. The pranking epidemic has been quashed. I am proud to say we have gone 119 and five-sixths days without a practical joke.”
There was tepid applause.
“Thank you. Thank you. Back in November, I stood on this stage and promised you a bit of fun. And that is a promise I intend to keep. So get ready to give a warm welcome to a special visitor from the district office. It’s time to spend our last hour of school with Sammy the Safety Lobster!”
The applause was even more tepid.
A man in a purple lobster suit entered from stage right. As he passed Miles and Niles, he gave them a little salute with one of his claws.
“This clever crustacean,” said Bertrand Barkin, reading from a piece of paper, “is here to give you some hot tips on how to stay cool—and safe—all summer long. Hi, Sammy!”
The lobster gave an exaggerated wave and clicked his pincers.
“Here we go,” Niles said.
The Terrible Two removed a bag of fireworks from each of their backpacks.
Sammy the Safety Lobster waddled dizzily toward the podium, where Bertrand Barkin stood frozen and grinning.
“One,” said Miles.
The lobster sidled up to Bertrand Barkin. Mr. Sykes came up onstage with an old cell phone to get a picture for the district newsletter.
“Two,” said Niles.
The lobster put his arm around the principal, resting his left claw on Bertrand’s waist, right where his belt and suspenders met.
“Three,” said Miles.
Sammy removed his purple lobster head, revealing the purple human head of Barry Barkin. His hair and mustache were damp with sweat.
There were many gasps.
Barry Barkin edged his father away from the podium and shouted into the microphone.
“STUDENTS! FACULTY! STAFF! IT IS I, BARRY BARKIN, YOUR FORMER PRINCIPAL.”
Bertrand Barkin puckered his lips in disgust. “Never in all my life,” he said, “did I think a Barkin would sink so low as to become a safety lobster.”
“I APOLOGIZE FOR INTERRUPTING THIS IMPORTANT ASSEMBLY, BUT I AM HERE TO FOIL A PRANK THAT WAS MERE SECONDS FROM BEING COMMITTED.”
“NONSENSE,” hissed Bertrand Barkin. “Students do not prank now that I am principal.”
“THEN WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?” said Barry Barkin. “BOYS. COME ON OUT. THE GIG IS UP. OR THE JIG IS UP. WHICH IS IT? THE GIG OR THE JIG. THE PRANK IS OVER.”
Miles and Niles, shoulders hunched, slunk onto the stage.
Miles glared at Barry Barkin.
Niles shook his head.
“WHILE I HAVE BEEN ON AN INVOLUNTARY, INDEFINITE LEAVE OF ABSENCE,” said Principal Barkin, “I HAVE CONTINUED TO INVESTIGATE THE PRANK EPIDEMIC. AND I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE UNCOVERED A SECRET PRANKING SOCIETY. THESE TWO RUFFIANS COMPOSE A PRANKING DUO KNOWN AS THE TERRIBLE TWOS.”
“Two,” said Miles.
“THE TERRIBLE TWO,” said Barry Barkin. “BOYS, DUMP OUT THOSE BAGS.”
“But, sir,” Niles pleaded.
“DO IT.”
“Come on,” said Miles.
“NOW, MILES MURPHY.”
Fireworks spilled forth onto the stage.
“Well, well,” said Holly, sitting in the audience. “Look at those samizdatchiks.”
“FIREWORKS. AT A SAFETY ASSEMBLY. IT’S DIABOLICAL.”
Meanwhile, at his place two paces from the podium, Bertrand Barkin’s face had taken on a fuchsia tint of its own.
“THERE ARE SOME WHO DOUBTED MY ABILITY TO SNIFF OUT PRANKS,” Barkin continued. “TO THEM, I SAY, ‘I HAVE A PRINCIPAL’S NOSE!’ AND I ALSO SAY, ‘CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY JOB BACK?’”
Bertrand Barkin could feel he was losing the room. A reptilian cool came into his eyes. Softly, he cleared his throat.
Barry Barkin turned and looked at his dad.
Bertrand Barkin reached over and poured himself a glass of water.
Panic flooded Barry Barkin’s face. “Father! No!” he screamed, knocking the glass out of Bertrand’s hand with his giant claw. Water spilled all over the principal’s black suit.
There was a low rumbling in the crowd.
“You fool,” said Bertrand. “You clumsy fool. Why did you do that?”
“Father,” said Barry, “these kids have been known to spike beverages with capsicum from blazing hot peppers!”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Bertrand looked down. One great thing about dark trousers was that they hid spills well, but he could use this accident to his advantage. “Step aside,” he said.
Barry abandoned the podium.
Bertrand smiled. His son had given up the power position. He looked at the stage—a sweaty man in a headless lobster suit and a pair of exposed pranksters. This circus needed to come to an end. Now.
“Children, let’s take a moment to silently express our gratitude for your former principal. In fact”—he leaned forward now—“let’s take a two-minute moment of complete silence to honor him for the good work he did when he was the head of this school.”
Ninety seconds was all it took to suck the excitement back out of the room.
“If only my son had done his job when he had it, he might never have lost it,” Bertrand Barkin said. “Still, we can be glad he stopped this practical joke in its tracks. The assembly, obviously, is canceled. You will return to your classrooms and clean out your desks. Then you will clean the tops of your desks, and then you will clean the bottoms. But first, this prank foiled, it gives me great pleasure to turn over the final number on our prank sign.”
Bertrand Barkin sneered at the two boys onstage, then stepped out from behind the podium and crossed over to the sign.
The assembly was awestruck.
Every girl and boy, man and woman in the crowd could not believe what they were seeing.
“Principal Barkin’s PANTS fell APART!” said Stuart. “And FELL DOWN!”
Miles and Niles smiled, but Barry Barkin was the first to laugh.
Barry Barkin’s laugh was loud and warm and deep, and it was joined by snickers, snorts, and guffaws from the students of Yawnee Valley Science and Letters Academy, and most of the teachers too (including Ms. Shandy, who may have laughed the loudest).
Bertrand Barkin turned a wild eye on his son, and then on Miles, and finally on Niles. He couldn’t figure out what had happened, or what was happening, or what to do next. For the first time he could remember, things were out of control. His face was the color of a field violet.
“So much for Principal Invincible,” said Holly, loud enough for him to hear.
Bertrand Barkin waved a wild finger at the auditorium. “I’LL BE REVENGED ON THE WHOLE PACK OF YOU!” he shouted. Then he ran off the stage, the pieces of his pants trailing on the ground behind him.
Watching his father go, Barry Barkin said quietly, so only Miles and Niles could hear, “You are dismissed.”
Chapter
25
BARRY BARKIN, formerly Former Principal Barkin, was now Acting Principal Barkin. Tomorrow, at an emergency meeting of the school board, he’d be fully reinstated. For now, he was happily engaged
in one of his favorite principal duties: overseeing after-school detention.
It was 3:30 P.M. and the last day of school had just ended, and today there were only two students in detention. (You know who they are.)
Miles and Niles sat side by side, surrounded by empty desks. Acting Principal Barkin was at the head of the class with his feet up.
He tossed a spool of Wash-a-Way thread to Niles, who caught it.
“Amazing stuff,” said Acting Principal Barkin.
“You weren’t terrible at sewing,” said Niles. “Sewing and pranking—that’s two projects I’d call successful.”
Acting Principal Barkin pulled out a notebook from his Acting Principal Pack and made some notes. “That’s a good point, Niles. A very good point.”
Miles checked his watch. “Principal Barkin, we don’t actually have to stay for detention, do we?”
“Of course you do,” said Barkin. “You’re pranksters. Consider yourself lucky it’s the last day of school. Your punishment is: detention every day until the last day of school. Luckily, as I’ve already said, that day is today.”
“Come on,” said Miles. “It’s summer vacation. We got you your job back. Cut us some slack.”
“Slack,” said Barkin, “is something I never cut.” His grin was downright mischievous. “I do, however, sometimes cut slacks. Get it? Because last week I cut my father’s slacks and then sewed them up with that thread—”
“No, yeah, we get it,” said Miles.
“Good prank, good prank,” said Acting Principal Barkin.
Minutes passed. Miles sighed. “What are we supposed to do now?”
“Read a book. Twiddle your thumbs. Start your memoirs.”
Niles pulled a copy of the Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson from his backpack.
“I didn’t bring a book,” said Miles.
Niles took out a copy of Matilda and gave it to his friend.
Barkin stood up. “Oh! I almost forgot. Before you settle in.”
Barkin crossed the room and opened the door. “Gus!” he shouted.
Gus, slyly smiling, wheeled in the prank sign. It still read 119.
“We almost made it to 120,” Barkin said. “But I’m afraid this sign needs to be reset.”
Miles nodded at Niles. “You do it.”
Niles walked up to the front of the classroom.
His hand trembled as he flipped the digits.
“Thank you, Gus,” said Barkin. “Put this away somewhere. The basement.”
Gus nodded.
Watching the sign go, Niles thought he might cry.
“Now!” said Principal Barkin, looking around the room. “Can we do that secret handshake? The one I saw you do at the meeting? What was it? This?”
He held up two fingers. “Oh!” he said, looking at his hand. “I get it.”
Miles got up and joined the pair at the front of the classroom.
“Just this once,” said Barkin, “could we do it like this?”
He held up a third finger.
Miles and Niles looked at each other.
“Sure,” Miles said.
OTHER BOOKS BY MAC BARNETT and JORY JOHN
The Terrible Two
ABOUT the AUTHORS
MAC BARNETT is a New York Times bestselling author of many books for children, including Extra Yarn, illustrated by Jon Klassen, which won a 2013 Caldecott Honor and the 2012 Boston Globe–Horn Book Award for Excellence in Picture Books; Sam & Dave Dig a Hole, also illustrated by Jon Klassen and a 2015 Caldecott Honor winner; and Battle Bunny, written with Jon Scieszka and illustrated by Matthew Myers. He also writes the Brixton Brothers series of mystery novels.
JORY JOHN is the author of the picture books Goodnight Already! (with Benji Davies) and I Will Chomp You (with Bob Shea) and coauthor of the national bestseller All My Friends Are Dead; a sequel, All My Friends Are STILL Dead; and Pirate’s Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers, among other books. Jory spent six years as programs director at 826 Valencia, a nonprofit educational center in San Francisco.
KEVIN CORNELL is the illustrator of several children’s books, including Count the Monkeys and Mustache! by Mac Barnett, and the Chicken Squad series by Doreen Cronin. Most recently, he wrote and illustrated the picture book Go to Sleep, Monster! He resides in Philadelphia, where he, his wife, and a brand-new Persian rug are pranked several times a day by their dog.
FOR DAVE EGGERS
-MB AND JJ
PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Barnett, Mac, author.
The terrible two get worse / Mac Barnett, Jory John ; illustrated by Kevin Cornell.
pages cm
Sequel to: The terrible two.
Summary: “Friends and pranking partners Miles and Niles face a tough challenge when their favorite goat and nemesis, Principal Barkin, is replaced by his stern, no-nonsense father, Former Principal Barkin, who turns the school into boot camp.” —Provided by publisher. ISBN 978-1-4197-1680-5 (hardback) — ISBN 978-1-61312-839-8 (ebook) [1. Practical jokes—Fiction. 2. Tricks—Fiction. 3. School principals—Fiction. 4. Schools—Fiction. 5. Friendship—Fiction. 6. Humorous stories.] I. John, Jory, author. II. Cornell, Kevin, illustrator. III. Title.
PZ7.B26615Tg 2016
[Fic]—dc23
2015011114
Text copyright © 2016 Mac Barnett and Jory John
Illustrations copyright © 2016 Kevin Cornell
Book design by Chad W. Beckerman
Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.
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