An uncomfortable silence settled between us, and I flipped on the radio. I drove toward the town center instinctively, weaving between lanes and generally driving like my dad never wanted to know, but before we hit the parking lot, I reconsidered. There were a lot of people there, people we knew. People who would wonder and question what had happened to Tonya’s face. Would she want all of them to see her now?
“Want to hit up the new coffee shop by the park?” I tried to sound like it was based solely on my desire to go there, not to avoid people. “Lily said they have the best iced mocha latte.”
“Sure. Gran bought some muffins there the other day and they were pretty good.” She gritted her teeth, or was that a smile? It was hard to tell with each of us avoiding looking at the other.
The stilted, unimportant words continued to flow between us, but neither of us seemed able to stop pretending that everything was back to normal. The words carried us into the cafe, and then out into the park with our drinks. It wasn’t until we sat on a wrought iron bench overlooking the small pond that we gave up on the meaningless blather. We had no more empty words to keep the meaningless blather going.
The water rippled with the slight breeze, pushing it closer to shore, lapping against the rocks. Lily and I had once tried to swim there, but after braving the rocks, we took one look at the brownish-green water with its real live bugs and headed for the indoor pool instead. Trevor was like that water, real good to look at from a distance, but up close it was better to just walk away.
“Say it,” Tonya said after a minute of silence.
“Say what?” I glanced at her. There were so many things I wanted to say, that I needed to say. But what was she expecting?
“I told you so.” She stared straight ahead and I could see the glistening of tears in the corner of her eyes.
“That’s not what I wanted to say.”
“Phoebs,” she said, disbelief arching her eyebrows. “It’s true. You warned me, and I didn’t listen. It’s my own fault.”
A tear trickled down her cheek and I wrapped my arm across her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. “It is not your fault, Tonya. Trevor made a choice to hit you. He’s the one to blame.”
“I know that. I do. But...”
“There are no buts. He did this to you. You didn’t force him to punch you.” I gave her a squeeze, wanting to push out any idea she had that she might somehow justify what happened.
“No, but...I guess I just figure... I stayed with him. That time you saw the bruises on my arm was the first time it happened. He didn’t really mean to hurt me.”
I pulled away and knelt in front of her, forcing her to look at me.
“He did mean to, Tonya. That’s what guys like him do. They convince you that it’ll never happen again. That they didn’t mean to do it, or that it was somehow your fault. There is absolutely no way you are to blame. At all.”
Her breath hitched and came out in a sob. “I just thought that maybe he really wouldn’t do it again. And then you stopped bugging me about it, and... Everyone seemed to like him, even you.”
The indignation I had felt the night before resurfaced. Nathan and Nanna had forced me into giving Trevor a chance, to see him as a good person and that was why Tonya had kept dating him.
Okay, so maybe they didn’t force me, but if they had just supported me, even a little, this never would have happened. I should have listened to my gift, if I hadn’t let them convince me to doubt myself, Tonya would never have been hurt. They were just as guilty as Trevor.
“And it’s not like he was like that all the time. He was always so sweet.”
“Not always.”
“No, but he really seemed to love me. I mean he always wanted to be with me, and take care of me. You saw how nice he could be.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s not an abusive prick,” I pointed out. “What did Gran say?”
“She cried at first, and then she got all pissed. I think if Trevor had been anywhere around she’d have killed him.”
“And?” I asked when she stopped talking. There was no way Gran would have left it at that.
“No internet for six months, which includes on my iPhone, iPad, or any other device that could possibly connect me to the world. She already cut down the data plans to limited texts. And I have to start seeing my therapist again.” She sighed and gave another eye roll.
“Good.”
“Yeah, well I can handle the therapist. She’s not all that bad, and she did help with my mommy and daddy issues, but the no internet? How can I go that long without tweeting? I’ll be completely out of the loop on everything.”
“Hey, I manage fine,” I said.
She gave a sobbing chuckle. “Yeah, because I’m constantly filling you in. I may as well commit social suicide if I have to depend on you. Maybe I’ll make nice with Chloe.” We both laughed at the idea of her befriending Chloe. “Well, it’s either her or Bianca, and Bianca always posts the weirdest crap.”
The light laugh felt good, smothering the awkwardness between us.
“Are you really okay?” I asked, sliding back onto the bench.
“Yeah. I wish things had ended up different, you know, but I’m glad it’s done.” She shrugged and her lips tilted into a sheepish smile. “I kept thinking it would never happen again, that each time that was it. I didn’t even realize how sick I felt every time I was with him, wondering if he was going to snap, until this morning when I realized it was done. I’m never going to see him again.”
She noisily sucked at the last of her latte and I let her words fill me with relief. But even then, there was a niggling feeling in my stomach that the words were simply that. Words. She wasn’t lying, but she wasn’t speaking the truth either. It sounded more rehearsed, as if she’d had to convince herself of their truth.
“What about pressing charges?” I asked. “You know my dad would help-”
“No!” Her head shook violently. I’d already risked our friendship too many times to push this issue as well. She ran her hands along her cheeks, wincing when the pressure reached the bluish-purple flesh. “I just want to put it behind me.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I offered, but I knew that wasn’t the greatest idea. I was best known for my verbal vomit and that wasn’t going to help Tonya. But she needed to know that I was there for her.
“I’m going to be spilling my guts to the shrink every Thursday until I’m eighteen, so I think I’ll pass. Besides you already missed your opportunity to gloat, so starting now, this whole Trevor mess is off limits.”
Putting Trevor in the past was more than fine. Now I just had to remember to put Nathan there, too.
Chapter 12
Nathan was behind me. It was where I’d been thinking and praying, of putting him for the past thirty-odd hours. Him literally sitting behind me, his soft puffs of breath fanning across my neck, was not how I’d envisioned it. It was only twenty minutes into class and I’d already had to fend off his trailing fingers along my shoulder, the whispers of my name, and even a note he’d eventually slid around me and placed on my desk.
I hadn’t even opened the note. I’d simply ignored it. But the problem with ignoring it was that ten minutes later it was still sitting in front of me, tempting me to take a peek. My pencil tapped spastically on my desk in one hand, while my other hand fiddled with the zipper of my hoodie, barely containing the urge to reach for the folded paper.
Something flicked against my head and I flinched in surprise, reaching up to rub the spot hit. A small, pink pencil tip eraser dropped from my hair onto the floor, and I glanced over my shoulder. Tonya was staring at me with one of her ‘what’s your problem’ looks, gesturing toward Nathan.
I hadn’t told her about breaking up with Nathan. It wasn’t that I was hiding it. I just didn’t know how to tell her without bringing up the whole Trevor thing and I’d promised not to bring him up again. I shrugged my shoulder at her, and turned back to Mr. Arnold. He was writing some formul
a on the board and I stopped my furious tapping to copy it down. Not that it made any sense to me at the moment, but it was better than obsessing over Nathan.
When class ended, I was ready to scream. Nathan had seemed determined to annoy me for the entire hour. I wasn’t sure what purpose he had in mind, but he was definitely pissing me off. I shoved my notes into my binder and snapped it shut.
“Phoebe,” Nathan’s hand skimmed my arm, “what’s wrong?”
“Seriously?” I glanced up at him before letting my eyes flicker over Tonya who was standing behind him, listening in.
“You’re still mad?” His eyebrows soared in surprise.
“Uh, yeah.”
“I can’t believe you’re still angry. I thought you just needed a breather or something. Look, I get that you’re upset, but it’s not like I knew what would happen.” He gave me one of his sexy smiles and moved close enough that I could smell the soap he’d used that morning. “I’m sorry, okay? Why don’t I come over after school, and we’ll talk.”
“I don’t have anything left to say to you.” I scooped the note from my desk and tossed it onto his. Walking away, I felt both Nathan and Tonya watching me. But my double escape was short lived. I barely made it to my locker when Tonya caught up to me.
“What the freaking hell was that?” she asked.
“What was what?” Maybe dumb would work for me this time.
“Come on, Phoebs. What was up with giving Nathan the cold shoulder? For a second I thought I was looking at Vivian. Did he cop a feel or something a bit too much for your virgin sensibilities?”
“Ha ha. No,” I said, choosing to ignore the Vivian insult. I tossed my stuff inside my locker and grabbed my next set of books. A quick peek at her told me I was wasting my time hoping that she would drop it. I slammed the locker shut. “Fine, I broke up with him Saturday night.”
“What?! Why?”
“Because...just because. All right? I don’t want to talk about it. Now if you don’t mind I have to get to class.” I tried to walk away again, but she blocked my path, practically squishing me up against my locker.
“No way are you not explaining that. We are so ditching next period. Now spill.” She placed her hands on her hips and waited.
“He’s why I stopped bugging you about Trevor.” I avoided her look, knowing she probably didn’t want to even hear his name. “I knew something was wrong with the guy. I knew that you were covering for him, but Nathan convinced me to give him a chance. Actually he blackmailed me and said that if I didn’t stop being suspicious of Trevor then he wouldn’t go out with me anymore.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And what does that have to do with what Trevor did?” she asked, complete confusion evident on her face.
“Because if he hadn’t done that, I would have caught him in a lie...or something.”
“You can’t blame Nathan for something Trevor did. As messed up as I am right now with all this crap, even I know that. So, what’s the real reason?”
Nathan was the reason. He was why Tonya had still been with Trevor, why Trevor had had the chance to hurt her. That’s what I’d told Nathan. That was the real reason, wasn’t it? But Tonya made it sound so completely illogical, and honestly, I think I knew she was right, but still...I couldn’t let it go. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, trying to think of how I’d felt Saturday night.
Vindicated.
It was an odd way to feel after what happened to Tonya, but it had felt like I finally had proof that I was right. Proof that my gift was real. Proof that I wasn’t broken.
“Come on, let’s go outside,” Tonya said.
If we were going to ditch class, I didn’t want to lug around all my crap. Turning back to my locker, I opened it up and put my books back inside, then took Tonya’s stuff, and added it as well. Tonya stepped back, giving me a bit of space, and I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. Getting angry, or worse, crying wouldn’t help me escape Tonya.
We walked to the exit, and didn’t say anything until we were sitting at a picnic table outside the cafeteria. I stalled a minute, picking at the peeling brown paint covering the table. It was a cool day out and I wished I’d worn more than just my hoodie.
“Okay, so quit stalling and explain how any of this shit is Nathan’s fault,” Tonya said, sitting across from me.
“My sisters have had their gifts forever. I mean right from conception kind of thing. Chloe and Lily always used to talk about feeling Mom or even having seen her. I had nothing. I was always the one without a gift.”
“Nothing new, Phoebe. Remember me telling you this is the whole mommy issue you’ve had since we met?”
“Whatever. You only say that because you’ve got some serious issues with your mom.” At least that’s what her therapist said, and apparently it’s what the shrink had said about me too when Tonya had blabbed my life story once. “Besides, this isn’t about my mom."
“Yeah, well you haven’t gotten to the part where Nathan is to blame for...you know.”
“The point is that when my gift started working, I was so happy. I was finally going to be normal, or at least normal in my family, but Nathan made me doubt that. He made me feel like I couldn’t trust my gift, or myself. That’s why I’m not ready to forgive him.”
Tonya was quite for a moment then said, “Damn, if I could psychoana-whatever myself like you, I wouldn’t be suffering for two hours every week.”
The slight change in conversation was like a lifeline that I readily grasped onto. “Two hours? I thought you were only going once a week.”
“Yeah, well Gran decided that in addition to the shrink, I need to go to a counseling group, too. I’m kissing my Saturdays good-bye.”
“That sucks. Well, that it’s on Saturday I mean, not that...anyways, maybe we both need a break from boys.” Maybe I needed a break from letting Nathan make me doubt myself.
“Ha, speak for yourself. I plan to move on to the next hot thing. Did you see that new guy? I think his name is Mike or Mickey, something like that.” She flicked a piece of paint I had peeled from the table into the breeze.
“Mickey? Are you honestly saying that you would go out with a guy named after a cartoon mouse?”
“Hey, the guy is hot and he’s got a serious bad boy thing going on with a tattoo and buzz cut. I can’t believe you haven’t noticed him. I’m pretty sure I saw him heading into your civics class on Friday.”
“Huh, well if his name is really Mickey then he’s all yours.” Besides it wasn’t as if I was completely over Nathan, or even a little over him yet.
“Well, if you’re really done with Nathan, maybe I’ll go for him.” She smiled. I knew she was joking, but still my gut twisted.
“If you want to die anytime soon.”
“So, why did you break up with him again?” she asked.
“Fine. So he might not be directly at fault, but... if he hadn’t convinced me to stop distrusting Trevor maybe you would have finally listened to me. You even said that was one of the reasons you gave him another chance.”
“Girl, you could twist the words of a saint just to prove your point.”
As wind picked up and the clouds drifted in front of the sun, my arms broke out in goose bumps and I shivered. “Come on, let’s get back inside before Mother Nature decides to dump rain on us as well.”
We ran back into the school as gusts of wind blew in more storm clouds from the coast. The halls were deserted, so Tonya and I sank to the floor in front of her locker and spent the rest of the class period flipping through a Cosmo magazine and debating when a person’s butt crossed the line into fat ass territory.
After the bell rang, Tonya and I headed to my locker to grab her books. I’d just handed them to her when I spotted Nathan walking down the hall toward me. I tensed, expecting another confrontation. Or at least some response from him. Maybe even just an acknowledgement that I was still important to him, after all I’d broken up with him. His eyes
settled on me before darting away to look at the person walking beside him.
Vivian.
Vivian. And I wanted to punch her face in, even more than when she’d soaked me at the theater. She was smiling. First it was up at Nathan and then at me. I knew she’d been waiting. I just hadn’t expected Nathan to go back to her. He said he didn’t double back in the dating department, so why was he with her?
I slammed my locker shut. Vivian didn’t know how lucky she was. If Dad hadn’t drilled me with the importance of not starting a fight, and if I wasn’t a bit freaked at the idea of being in an all out fight, I’d have popped her in the face so quick she wouldn’t have even seen it coming.
Later that afternoon, I was lying on my bed listening to music, trying to block out the lingering image of Nathan and Vivian together, when Chloe opened the door. I pulled out my earphones and glared at her.
“Nice of you to just barge in,” I said, sweeping strands of hair from my face.
“I didn’t barge in. I knocked and then took your silence for permission to come in.” She leaned against the doorframe. “Nathan is upstairs.”
“Tell him I’m not home.” I seethed. How dare he come here, after he’d been hanging with Vivian all day?
“Too late. He knows you’re here.”
“Then tell him I’m washing my hair or better yet, tell him I don’t want to talk to his cheating face.”
“Not cheating if you’re not dating. Besides I don’t think he was banging Vivian in the halls between classes, Phoebs.”
“I don’t want to talk to him.” My aggravation with Chloe nearly beat the anger I felt toward Nathan.
“Tell him yourself.” She disappeared from my door before I could argue anymore. Then just as quickly as she left, Nathan took her place and my heart sank to the very depths of my stomach.
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