There was a pause, as if he was debating, and then he gave a short nod. I climbed up into the back of the ambulance and looked back at Nathan.
“Call Mrs. Robinson!” I yelled before the doors closed and we took off.
The ride was surreal. Nothing like I’d seen on television. There was no frantic moving about, working on her, no blaring sirens, although the lights flashed occasionally. The paramedics were calm and simply monitored her. I took it as a good sign, that maybe she just looked worse than she really was.
They asked me a few questions, about allergies, medical history, medication, and I answered as best I could.
Once at the hospital, I was directed to the nurses’ station where I simply gave them Mrs. Robinson’s phone number. After that, there was nothing to do but sit. I found a seat in the emergency room and texted the name of the hospital to Nathan and Bianca. They arrived a few minutes later.
“Any news?” Bianca asked, sinking into the chair beside me.
“No, they took her back and made me stay out here. Did you manage to get hold of her gran?” I looked up at Nathan.
“Yeah, she sounded pretty upset. I guess she thought Tonya was with you. She should be here pretty soon.”
I was going to end up banned from Tonya’s house. Mrs. Robinson still hadn’t forgiven me for covering for Tonya before, and now she’d think I was doing it again.
“I don’t get it,” Bianca said. She was slouched in the seat, staring straight ahead, a kind of deer in the headlights thing. “Why would she start seeing him again? She knew what he was like.”
I didn’t have an answer and I glanced up at Owen, curious to see if his sudden ability to understand and explain people would be able to handle this.
“Maybe she thought he wouldn’t do it again. Or maybe she thought she could change him.” Owen’s idea seemed so out there, so unbelievable, but at the same time scary and real.
“What an id-” Bianca cut herself off with a shake of her head.
We all knew what she’d been going to say. We’d all thought it. But who calls the victim of an abusive partner an idiot? They are the victim. Tonya was the victim and nothing she did asked for this. She had wanted to see the good in him, despite everything he’d already done, she’d believed in him, and maybe like Owen had said, she believed she could change him.
I knew Tonya better than anyone, but even I wondered how many times would he have to prove her wrong before she finally believed?
After what felt like hours of waiting, Mrs. Robinson came out to tell us Tonya was in the ICU and couldn’t have visitors. She didn’t go into details, but I had seen the marks on Tonya’s face and knew that it had been just a fraction of what she had endured. I arranged with Mrs. Robinson to pick up a few of Tonya’s things from the house and bring them by the next day.
The drive home with Nathan was silent. I was completely drained, and could do nothing more than stare out the window. He seemed to realize that I needed those moments to hold myself together.
It was after two in the morning when we pulled up to my house. Every light in the place seemed to be on. I’d already talked to Dad on the phone earlier, but I’d known he would still be up to make sure I got home okay.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said, still feeling numb.
“Phoebs,” Nathan turned off the truck and twisted so he faced me as he spoke, “are we going to talk about us? Is there an us again?”
I thought over everything that had happened the past few weeks, of how miserable I’d been when we weren’t together, how crazy I’d reacted to everything. It was actually hard to believe he wanted to get back together. Before all of the Tonya stuff, being with Nathan had felt right. Easy. Like I didn’t have to work at it. I wanted that back. I wanted to know that I had something in my life that wasn’t complicated, or weird, or scary.
“I was angry with myself, not you.” I saw his eyebrow twitch. “Okay, maybe a little with you, but mostly with myself and the fact that I didn’t trust me, or my gift, enough. Besides, if Tonya really was there tonight getting back with Trevor then it just goes to show that knowing what kind of guy he was wouldn’t have been enough to stop her.”
Tonya had been so giddy when she’d been dating Trevor, loving the secret of him, loving the fact that she was hiding him from her gran. She’d even said that she’d thought his moodiness had been attractive at first, that it had shown her how passionately he loved her. Any time I’d mentioned how obsessive it was, she’d make it a joke, like I was jealous because Nathan wasn’t like that. And she’d been a bit right. But now, I didn’t want anything to do with that kind of relationship. I wanted my Nathan back.
“I want things to be simple again,” I said. It was difficult to swallow and tears pooled in my eyes. “I want us to just be us, and not a bunch of other crap. No drama. Just us together with no one else. Simple.”
“I think I could manage simple.” He moved closer and framed my face with his hands. The kiss that followed was the most gloriously uncomplicated kiss I’d ever had. It was sweet and gentle, and I felt like I’d gone back in time to New Year’s and we were really kissing for the first time again. When it ended, I pulled back and gave him a slight smile.
“So the only question left is, can Vivian handle us?” I asked.
He groaned and his head tilted back. “That’s gonna be the best thing about getting back together with you.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m not gonna have to hang around her trying to make you jealous anymore.”
“Are you serious?” I asked, giving him a gentle whack on the arm.
“God, the entire time I was dating her was hell. Did you honestly think I wanted to hang out with her again?”
“Nathan, you dated her for a year!” I felt mildly bad for Vivian, to think that her one time boyfriend hadn’t even liked her, but that sympathy died pretty quick when I remembered how she’d treated me since...well, since forever.
“Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to break up with someone who never shuts up,” he explained. The smile he wore dimmed and he put his sexy serious face on. “I’m glad you finally called.”
“I’m glad you waited,” I said, and before I could say anything else, he leaned in for another quick kiss. It ended too soon, with him sliding back to his side.
“Your dad is peeking through the blinds,” he said, when I scooted closer to him for another kiss.
I dropped my head to his chest in frustration, then moved back and grabbed my purse from the floor. Nathan hopped out of the truck, came around to help me out and we held hands as we walked to the door. I didn’t want him to leave. For a few minutes he’d managed to consume my thoughts, and I knew once he was gone the image of Tonya’s battered face would return.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, letting go of my hand when we reached the porch. He brushed a light kiss on my cheek, then stepped back so I could go up the steps.
Dad met me at the door, and folded me into a giant bear hug, squeezing me hard, as if trying to force the sadness from me. Over my shoulder, he waved to Nathan and then walked me inside. We went into the kitchen and I sat at the table while Dad poured a mug of hot water from the kettle and then added a hot chocolate mix.
“I see you and Nathan have made up,” he said over his shoulder.
“Yeah, we talked and...” I shrugged. As happy as I was about being back together with Nathan, it felt wrong to be in a good mood about anything. My thoughts of Nathan drifted away and those of Tonya came crashing back.
“You want to talk about what happened with Tonya?” Dad asked, setting the mug in front of me. I’d known this was coming as soon as I’d called him from the hospital. There was no way Dad would let this go undiscussed.
“No. Yes. I don’t get it.” I wrapped my hands around the mug, and watched the steam wafting up. My shock was wearing off, and in its place was anger at Trevor and at Tonya. “Why would she go back to see him? Why would she lie to me again?”
I knew it wa
sn’t right to blame Tonya, but part of me did. She was the one that had made the decision this time, completely aware of what kind of a person Trevor was.
“Relationships are hard to understand, especially abusive ones. Sadly for Tonya, she’s finding things out the hard way.”
“But why? If Nathan ever hit me, I’d be gone so fast. No. I’d probably kill him first.”
Dad sighed and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms. “Tonya isn’t you. No matter how much the two of you seem alike, she has seen and experienced things in her life that have caused her to think differently about this. Ms. James hasn’t exactly been a good role model for her daughter. I know her grandmother tries, but there’s only so much she can do. Tonya’s father was never around, and her grandfather died before she was born. She hasn’t had any positive male figures in her life.”
“She had you.”
He smiled and shook his head, coming to the table and sitting across from me. “It’s not the same thing. I’m her best friend’s dad. I think you’d be surprised to know how little she cares about what I think.”
Considering Tonya was usually the driving force behind me skipping school, or sneaking out at night, I was pretty sure I knew.
The image of her on the stretcher, both eyes puffy and already circled in deep blue and purple bruises came to mind. I rotated the mug around and around, trying to erase the picture, then lifted the hot chocolate and took a small sip, burning my tongue in the process. But it was nothing compared to what Tonya must have felt. The worst part was I didn’t know how to help her then, and I knew even less how to help her now.
“I don’t know how to make her see how wrong she is about this.” My mug thumped against the table as I set it down.
“You can’t,” Dad said and laid his hand one my forearm. “All you can do is be there for her.”
Every bone in my body felt completely useless, and my eyes filled with tears. Dad got up, and wrapped me in his arms. A sob burst out and I cried. I felt totally helpless and I hated it. Helplessness was debilitating. I hated that I was crying, instead of kicking Trevor’s ass.
“There has to be something more,” I said, sniffling as the tears finally slowed.
“Be her friend. She has a lot of other people helping her, too. You don’t need to do anything other than be there for her.”
It sounded so easy. Yet it’s exactly what I thought I’d been doing these past few weeks and it obviously hadn’t been enough. My head spun at the realization of how quickly she’d gone back to him. I squeezed my eyes shut, attempting to calm the dizziness threatening to overtake me, then pushed my chair back. “I think I’m going to crash. I’m exhausted.”
Dad nodded and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. “I’ll see you in the morning then, sweetheart.”
I carried my mug downstairs and even made it to my room before Lily and Chloe were on me. Lily kept herself from getting too close, lingering in my door and shifting from one foot to the other. Chloe on the other hand, wrapped me in her arms.
“Phoebe, I tried to call! I swear! As soon as I saw what was going to happen, I called your cell, but it kept going to voice mail. I’d been getting random flashes of things, but nothing made sense and then I was grabbing something from your room earlier and it just hit me. I was seriously freaking until Lily calmed me down.”
I tried to remember everything Chloe had mentioned over the past few days and the pieces fit right into what had happened. Nathan coming to talk to me at the theater, us in front of an apartment in San Diego, the hospital, me needing Nathan. She’d been right about everything, even if it hadn’t all made sense at the time.
“It’s okay. You warned me the best you could.” I sat on the edge of my bed, and gave Chloe an understanding smile. “I’m going to head to bed. I need to go over to Tonya’s place in the morning to pick up a few things.”
“Let me know if I can do anything. I might not be Tonya’s biggest fan, but no one deserves what happened to her.” Chloe came over to give me another hug and then left.
Lily moved to follow her and then paused, her hand shaking as it rested lightly on the edge of the door. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
For a moment, I thought she was going to cry, her eyes were so sad and tired, but then she pulled my door closed behind her and went back to her room.
I did try to sleep. But it was impossible. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Tonya and all the rage and disbelief came back. I lost track of the number of times I threw off the covers, only to pull them on again. Anything to distract me. It was nearly four in the morning when my door creaked open. Soft footsteps padded across the room.
“I’m sorry,” Lily whispered, and I knew she didn’t realize I was awake, so I kept my eyes shut. Her hand hovered over my arm, a heat radiating from her that was a sign of her gift. Then she lightly touched her hand to my arm. It was always the oddest sensation when Lily healed. All my negative emotions vanished, sucked out of me, and there was nothing in its place, nothing but an overwhelming sense of calm.
My breath rushed out of me, and my already closed eyes grew heavier. There was a slight movement of air as Lily moved away, but I didn’t hear her leave. I was already asleep.
Chapter 15
The next morning Chloe drove me to the movie theater and I picked up my car. For once, she kept her mouth shut and let the drive pass in peace. I knew she wanted to say something about her visions. The silence in the car was unnerving and I wanted to reassure her nothing was her fault, and that I would forgive her anyways, but I couldn’t say those things. Not because I wouldn’t have meant them, but it would have made everything seem so much more real. With every passing moment it was easier to pretend that Tonya was fine and that the night before had never happened.
I drove over to Tonya’s place and used the key Mrs. Robinson gave me at the hospital. It was weird to be walking around their house alone, almost like I was snooping. Feeling awkward, I went straight to Tonya’s room. I pulled out some slippers from under her bed, and a few shirts and her jogging pants from her dresser, not sure if she’d be able to wear anything other than the hospital gown, but I wanted to fill the backpack I’d brought. Her iPad and chargers went in the bag next, and I considered taking her laptop, but she’d showed off how she could do everything she wanted on her iPad, so the computer stayed where it was.
The last thing I did was pull her diary out from behind her bookshelf. She’d always been paranoid that her gran would find it. I moved to place it on top of everything, and then faltered. Had she written about getting back together with Trevor? I wanted to know what she’d been thinking, when she’d decided to go see him, and most importantly how she could have possibly forgiven him. I wanted to read it.
The cover flipped open and I sat down on the corner of her bed, thumbing through until I reached the end of her entries. I slammed it shut. No. I couldn’t read her diary. That was a massively wrong thing to do. If it was Chloe’s then I’d do it for a laugh. But this was Tonya and she was obviously already having problems trusting me if she’d been lying to me about Trevor.
Then again, could I trust her to tell me what was going on? I opened the book and immediately slammed it shut again. I fell back onto her bed, totally frustrated. I wanted to read it, but I knew I shouldn’t.
A vibration in my pocket cut off the warring parts of my brain. I really had to figure out how to get it back on to ringing. I pulled it out. Nathan’s name flashed on the screen.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked.
“Just seeing how you were doing.”
“Fine. I’m at Tonya’s grabbing a few things. I’m going to take them up to the hospital this afternoon. Do you want to come with me?”
“Can’t. I’m working the day shift today. Give me a call when you get home, though, and maybe I can come over to study tonight.”
I laughed at his wording. Study was his code word for making out that he used whenever his parents were within hearing distance.
He coughed and I giggled again. It was easy being with Nathan, and I had missed that more than anything. Well, maybe not as much as I’d missed our ‘study’ sessions.
“I gotta go,” he said. “I’ll talk to you later.”
We hung up and I put the cell phone back in my pocket. I glanced down at Tonya’s diary. Before I could reconsider and think of all the reasons why I should read it, I dropped it into the backpack and zipped the bag closed. Just as much as I needed Nathan and me to be simple again, I needed it with Tonya, too. Invading her privacy wasn’t going to help me do that.
Later that afternoon, I went to the hospital by myself. I’d hoped Lily would come, maybe make things a bit better for Tonya or at least Mrs. Robinson if we couldn’t see Tonya yet, but she gave me some excuse about Dylan needing her help with something. It sounded plausible, but I hadn’t been Lily’s sister for seventeen years without knowing she had an extreme aversion to hospitals.
Mrs. Robinson had called earlier and given me Tonya’s room number. When I reached the right floor, I found her in a family waiting room. She was curled up in a chair, head arching back in what looked like the most uncomfortable position ever. I gently tapped her knee. Her eyes fluttered and she gave a small smile before she seemed to realize where she was and why.
“How’s she doing?” I asked, taking a seat across from her.
“Well, they moved her out of intensive care, but they ran tests all morning, making sure...” She paused and took a deep breath. “Making sure there’s no permanent damage.”
In all my worries, I’d never considered permanent damage, but from what I’d seen of her, physical and mental damage wouldn’t be surprising. I looked down at my feet, seeing the bag full of her things. I’d packed it like she was on a sleep over, not like her life was going to change forever.
I picked up the backpack and held it out to Mrs. Robinson. “I grabbed a few clothes and her iPad and stuff.”
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