by Kara Louise
“It is my opinion, however,” his aunt continued haughtily, “that if the Bennets had been asked to leave Longbourn, it would serve Miss Bennet right! What insolence she exhibited when she turned down the proposal!”
Stunned, Darcy turned abruptly and drew back as the colour drained from his face.
Fitzwilliam was now very interested. “Turned down a proposal? Whose proposal?”
Darcy felt a wave of anxiety course through his body and wondered how anyone came to learn of his proposal and her rejection of it.
“Why, Mr. Collins’s proposal! Before he asked for the present Mrs. Collins’s hand, he had gone to Miss Bennet. I thought you knew. She refused him flatly, she did, without any consideration for his feelings or the welfare of her family.”
Darcy swallowed as he contemplated his aunt’s words. This meant that when he proposed to her a year ago and was turned down, she had already turned down another proposal. His mind swirled with thoughts as he contemplated the type of woman Miss Bennet was. She had turned down a proposal from the man who would have kept Longbourn in her family at the death of her father, and then had turned down his proposal, he, who could have provided her with everything she could have ever wanted.
Why?
Deep in his heart he knew why. He could readily understand why she would have turned down Collins. She could never marry a man she did not respect.
Darcy contemplated his own proposal. He had gone to her fairly confident that she would accept his hand. Yet she had turned him down as well. And for the same reason. She did not respect him.
This was all nothing to him now. He spent the last year recovering from his miscalculations. He knew now that he had been wrong in anticipating her acceptance of his suit. As he looked out at the lane that separated Rosings from the parsonage, he was surprised that he could almost hear her voice: “I might as well enquire why, with so evident a design of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character.”
His body involuntarily shuddered at the memory. Combing his fingers through his hair, he turned. “If you will excuse me, I am rather fatigued. I shall be in my room.”
As he walked up the grand staircase, he inwardly berated himself for the disappointment he now felt. Had he actually come to Rosings this year with the expectation that he would hear something about her? Possibly even see her again? Was he holding out hope that perhaps the letter he had placed in her hand one year ago may have changed her opinion of him?
Upon reaching his room, he entered and closed the door behind him. He had made such a concerted effort this past year to mend his ways, examine his prejudices, and lay aside his pride. And even though he told himself it was all done to improve himself as a person, he knew now that he had hoped Miss Elizabeth Bennet might give him a second chance if she saw that he had attended to her criticisms.
She was well aware that he came to Rosings every Easter. He had secretly wished that she would make plans to visit her friend Charlotte as well. In the deepest recesses of his being, he had hoped that she would be here. But it had been futile and foolish thinking. Even if Collins were still here, she would never have planned a visit knowing there was the possibility that he would be here.
He slumped into the chair that faced the desk. It was the same chair and desk where he had written that letter a year ago. He had been hurt and angered by Miss Bennet’s words and responded likewise. Now he wondered what she had thought as she first read the missive. What had he written? Was his anger so strong in his words of the defence of his character and actions that they rendered her angry as well and reinforced her opinion of him?
He brought his head down into his hands and took in a deep breath. He remained that way for some time before finally lifting his head. Would the Bennet ladies have remained at Longbourn? He absently began shaking his head. He doubted that Miss Elizabeth had. But if not, where would she have gone? What would have become of her?
He knew he would not be able to let this concern drop until he knew for certain that she was in decent circumstances. He knew he would do anything to ensure her happiness, although he was convinced that she would never accept any assistance from him. This bit of news—or lack thereof—brought about a very wearisome three weeks for him during his stay at Rosings.
Chapter 1
London
Elizabeth Bennet wrapped the cloak tightly around little Emily, bending down with a smile as she straightened it.
“There! I believe you are ready.”
“Thank you. I am sorry I dawdled and needed you to help me get ready.” She looked up at Elizabeth with pleading blue eyes. “Will you not join us this morning, Miss Bennet? Why do you never attend church services with us?”
Elizabeth took the little girl’s hands in her own. “You ask me that every week, and every week I tell you. Your mother and father have been so kind to me that on Sundays I am free from my duties so I may visit my family. I accompany my sister, Jane, and my aunt and uncle and little cousins to the church they attend in their neighbourhood.”
The little girl pouted. “But today is Easter! I do not know why you cannot spend the day with us.”
Elizabeth patted Emily’s head. “You have me for six days a week. I would think that you would prefer to have one day without me. Besides, when we are in the country this summer, I shall be with you every day. I dare say you will tire of me then and wish to have some time away from me!”
Before the little girl could respond, her mother called from downstairs. “Emily, we are about to leave. Are you ready?”
Emily looked toward the door, then sadly back at Elizabeth. “I think I would enjoy church much better if you were there with me.”
“That means a great deal to me, Emily. And one day I shall join you, but not today. Now walk downstairs like the little lady you are. I will be late if I do not hasten and get myself ready.” Elizabeth smiled and shook her head as she watched her ward turn and skip down the stairs.
Each week Emily’s plea was the same, but Elizabeth knew that once Emily was with her parents, she would be all but forgotten.
As Sunday was her day off, normally Elizabeth did not have any responsibilities with Emily. Today, however, the young girl needed some additional help readying herself, so Elizabeth gladly assisted her. With that task now behind her, Elizabeth could look forward to her day with her family. She would accompany them to church and then visit with them throughout the afternoon and evening. This was the highlight of her week. For the remainder of the week she was governess to six-year-old Emily Willstone.
Elizabeth hurried to ready herself. She knew her uncle’s carriage would arrive shortly, and she did not wish to be late. When she was finished dressing, she looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes took in the grey dress she wore and how pale her face appeared. It was one of two grey dresses she owned and wore while in half-mourning. She also had two black dresses that had been her complete wardrobe for her days of full-mourning. She still had a little over a month of mourning remaining and she wondered whether she could ever go back to wearing colours again. Her grief was still as fresh and strong as it had been the day her father died.
In the waning of spring last year, just as the days were growing in length and warmth, Mr. Bennet was unexpectedly taken from them. A trip Elizabeth had planned to take with the Gardiners up north was cancelled. Her youngest sister, Lydia, was sent home from Brighton, where she had been staying as a guest of Colonel Forster and his wife. Jane’s loss of Charles Bingley’s affections was now swallowed up in the loss of her father. The family grieved together and consoled one another. Elizabeth, being the one who had the strength of character, was the one everyone turned to, yet it was she who suffered the deepest grief in the loss of her father.
While Elizabeth tried to encourage everyone to be strong, there was an underlying uncertainty that each of the Bennet ladies shared. With Longbourn entailed away to their cousin, Mr. Collin
s, he now had every right to claim it as his own. Whenever Mrs. Bennet brought up the dreaded subject, Elizabeth and Jane would do their best to assuage her fears that they would not be left homeless and destitute.
As was feared, however, several months following Mr. Bennet’s death, the Collinses sent notice that they would indeed be moving to Longbourn at the beginning of the new year. Charlotte Collins, Elizabeth’s good friend, assured the family that they could remain in their home as long as they required, but Elizabeth knew she could never live at Longbourn when it was no longer theirs, and neither could she live under the same roof as Mr. Collins.
With strong urging from Elizabeth, Mrs. Bennet moved into the nearby village of Meryton with her sister and husband, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips. She brought her three youngest daughters to live with them. The Phillips’s children were grown and married, and the couple was able to take the Bennet ladies into their home, although there was not as much ample space as they had enjoyed at Longbourn.
Elizabeth suggested early on that Jane move to London with Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, their mother’s brother and wife, as governess for the Gardiners’ four children. Jane was delighted when Elizabeth herself secured employment as a governess for a family in London. With this arrangement, the two close sisters could still occasionally visit.
The Willstones, the family for whom Elizabeth worked, hired her when it became apparent to them in their initial meeting that she and six-year-old Emily seemed to get along quite nicely. Despite Elizabeth’s lack of formal education, she impressed them with her knowledge of the basic accomplishments. While explaining she learned much from her own love of reading and self-teaching, she did have access to a few masters who lived in the nearby town of Meryton.
Richard and Lorraine Willstone were exceptionally kind and generous, allowing Elizabeth time off on Sundays to visit the Gardiners and her sister. While Elizabeth was grateful for the employment, it was not a life she had ever envisioned for herself.
A piercing recollection interrupted her musings of Easter spent in Kent exactly one year ago. She shuddered as she thought how much had changed since then.
What if I had…?
No! She stamped her foot. She would not reproach herself for refusing those two marriage proposals. The first one, Mr. Collins, she could never have agreed to. The second…
A knock at the door announced that the carriage had arrived. She pushed away that last thought.
As the carriage drove her through the streets of London from the more fashionable neighbourhood to the less fashionable neighbourhood near Cheapside, Elizabeth looked forward with much anticipation to her day. She would listen with joy to all her aunt and sister had to share about their week, and she would recount to them how her own had passed. It would certainly prove to be a more agreeable Easter than last year.
When she arrived at the Gardiners’ home, she handed off her coat and gloves and eagerly walked into the breakfast room, where a warm meal was being served. She was greeted warmly and profusely.
“Good morning, Lizzy! Happy Easter!” her uncle exclaimed, and he rose and walked over to her, wrapping her in his arms.
“Thank you, Uncle. And a joyous Easter to all of you.” When her uncle released her, she walked over to Jane and gave her a hug. “How are you, Jane?”
“I am well. And how is my dearest sister?” Jane asked.
“Delighted to be here.” Elizabeth let out a soft laugh. “As much as I love Emily, the joy of my week is being with all of you.”
“And how is little Emily?” her aunt asked as Elizabeth motioned for her to remain seated.
“Her usual self,” answered Elizabeth as she walked over and gave her aunt a kiss on the cheek. “She was a little slow this morning getting ready for church, so I gave her some assistance. She went through her usual custom of not wishing to leave without me. I hope I am not late.”
“Dearest Lizzy, do not worry about being late. We have plenty of time,” her aunt reassured her.
“And plenty of food,” added her uncle.
“Now, you must sit down and have something to eat. What would you like?” her aunt asked.
“I shall have the eggs and ham. It all looks delicious!”
She joined the others at the table and inquired of the Gardiner children how their week passed. She was anxious to talk with Jane, but knew the children were eager to tell of their activities, and so she would wait. Each of the four children was given ample opportunity to tell the highlight of the past week. Jane had taught Laura a new song on the pianoforte; Jonathan had finished reading a book; Caleb had found a kitten; and little Melissa had learned how to tie a bow with the ribbon on her bonnet.
Elizabeth gave much praise to each of her cousins for their wonderful accomplishments and also applauded Jane for her excellent work as their governess.
“Tell us how your week passed, Lizzy,” Mrs. Gardiner requested. “Have you been able to get Emily to practice more on the pianoforte? Has she acquired your enjoyment for reading?”
“It is a delicate balance for me to impart the joys of my life to Emily whilst not pushing her so hard that she ends up disliking everything!” Elizabeth looked into her aunt’s warm eyes. “Fortunately, she loves to sing. And as she would prefer for me to read her a book than to read one herself, she is more willing to read a book than practice on the pianoforte. Playing is still a struggle for her.”
Mr. Gardiner chuckled. “It seems to me you must find something Emily enjoys less than playing and give her the choice of the two. Chances are she will pick playing.”
Elizabeth laughed. “Such as picking weeds in the garden?” She paused to sip some tea. “I fear she does not have the long, slender fingers that are advantageous in playing, yet her parents would so much love for her to both play and sing.”
As the family conversed and ate together, Elizabeth savoured every bit of news shared as well as every morsel of food. She was grateful to be governess to a very sweet little girl with very kind and agreeable parents, but she greatly missed her family the remainder of the week.
Elizabeth’s spirits were high at church that morning. She loved the Easter service more than any other during the year. It reinforced the foundation for her faith and gave her reason to joyfully attend services throughout the year.
The message that morning on forgiveness—how God offered up forgiveness to us and how we ought to offer up forgiveness to others—struck within Elizabeth a deep sense of conviction. She realized she had been harbouring resentment toward Mr. Collins and her friend Charlotte for taking Longbourn from them. They had every lawful right to claim it as theirs, and after all, they had made the Bennet ladies an offer to remain there as long as needed.
Fortunately, the few months it took for the Collinses to move to Longbourn allowed the Bennets to secure their new living arrangements. Charlotte had a newborn baby and did not think travelling would be wise until he was at least six months old. Elizabeth often wondered if that was Charlotte’s way of granting them time to decide what to do. She was grateful that she secured a position as governess for the Willstones and was able to leave before the Collinses arrived.
Elizabeth had written to her friend only once since she had come to London, responding to an inquiry from her as to how she was faring. It was a brief and succinct missive, written with the barest civilities. Charlotte had since written two more letters that Elizabeth had never answered, always having a reason to postpone it.
By the end of the service that morning, Elizabeth knew she had to forgive the Collinses and decided that she would behave in a more forgiving manner toward them henceforth. She did not want bitterness to take hold of her life. She would write Charlotte directly and assure her that she felt no resentment toward her and express her fervent hope that they were happy at Longbourn.
At the reverend’s “Amen” at the close of the service, Elizabeth lifted her head, hoping to feel a great sense of peace at her resolution. Instead, a restless conviction stirred within her.
It was still difficult, however, to forgive him for his contemptible audacity, holding that it was his right—his duty—to convince his friend Bingley of the error of his ways in his regard for Jane. Her heart still pounded in anger as she contemplated this. Elizabeth slowly turned her head, and catching the serene, resigned look upon Jane’s face, she felt that she would never be able to forgive him for that.
When they returned to the Gardiners’ after church, Jane tended to the four children as they came in, gathering their coats and gloves and ensuring that they were changed out of their church clothes before they came down to play. The spring day was cool, but the sun was shining brightly, giving all it could to warm up the air. The first blossoms of the season were beginning to bloom and the grey, dreary days of winter seemed behind them.
Elizabeth was always grateful for the occasional warmth of a spring Sunday, as the children enjoyed playing outdoors, allowing her and her sister and aunt to spend some uninterrupted time together. They retired to the sitting room, where both Elizabeth and Jane picked up samplers to stitch and their aunt simply sipped a cup of tea, enjoying the presence of her two favourite nieces.
With the children out of the room, Elizabeth asked the dreaded question she asked each week: “Has there been any news from home?”
Mrs. Gardiner looked uneasily at Jane, alerting Elizabeth to the fact that there had been some news and it most likely was not good. “Yes, Lizzy,” Jane replied. “Mother writes about Lydia.”
