I went along with them, because I didn’t have the courage to do anything else. We rode back to the Columbia campus in silence, with Alex resting her head on my shoulder. It was as awkward and uncomfortable a moment as I’d ever experienced in my life. And it was only going to get worse.
Knowing that it was a matter of minutes before I was going to lose her forever, I tried to memorize Alex’s voice, her hair, her scent, everything about her. One day she was going to have a wonderful, amazing fucking life. And while I might not be a part of it, I was going to remember. I’d remember every second we had together, and never, ever let it go.
Sherman looked at me, and gave me a curious look. Almost as if he knew what I was thinking. For all I knew, maybe he did. He’s a sharp guy, and he’d been the other half of a long email exchange about me and Roberts and Alex, and I may have even mentioned suicide once or twice.
We dropped off Kelly and Joel, then continued to my apartment.
After getting out of the cab, I said, “I really need to wash up.”
God, I was such a coward. I couldn’t just spit it out.
But why? Why was I afraid? I was going to lose her anyway.
So Sherman and Alex sat on the couch, and I carefully took a shower, trying not to injure my hand any further. Afterward, I slipped into my room, and changed into clean clothes. Just as I was pulling my shirt into place, there was a knock at the door.
I opened it. It was Sherman. Before I could say a word, he said, “Before you do what I think you’re about to do, you need to listen to me.”
I closed my eyes. “Sherman, this isn’t your business.”
“Yeah,” he said, sounding exhausted. “Yeah, it is. Because you’re my friend. And because she’s my friend. Just hear me the fuck out, all right?”
“Jesus Christ,” I said.
He paced for a minute, turned toward me and looked like he was going to say something, then turned away.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, spit it out.”
He turned back and pointed his finger at me. “I warned her.”
“What?”
“I warned her yesterday. I warned her that your fucking overblown victim mentality was going to twist things up and make you break up with her.”
“What the hell?”
He shook his head. “Tell me you haven’t been screwing yourself up to do it the whole ride home. Tell me I’m wrong, Paris.”
This time, I was the one who looked away.
He pointed, out the door and down the hall. “She’s out there, waiting. With her hands on her lap. Her back straight. Trying to hold it all in. Trying to stay brave, even though she knows you’re about to fucking blow her heart into a million pieces. For the second time. We both know you as well as you know yourself, asshole. And let me tell you, you aren’t saving her from anything by doing this. You’re just going to break her heart, and your own, and fuck everything up that’s good in your life.”
I frowned, and said, “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Sherman.”
“Bullshit, I don’t. I was there, Paris. I was there when Kowalski threw himself on that grenade. And I was there when Roberts died. And I’m telling you, you need to stop killing yourself over that shit. You didn’t kill either one of them. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t mine. It wasn’t anybody’s except the fucking terrorists who killed them.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Just tell me what you were going to say to Alex.”
“Why? Why in God’s name do you care?”
“Because we’re brothers, man. We’ve been through shit no one else knows about. We’ve been through shit they don’t want to know about. And I don’t want to see you fuck your life up. And, I care about Alex and her sister, and I don’t want to see you fuck her up, either!”
I shouted back. “Don’t you understand, I’m no good for her! I’m no different than my father was! What if it was her I hit? Instead of that fucking wall? What then? It’ll happen some day! Some day I’m going to lose control of myself and end up hurting her! And I’d rather die! I’ll kill myself before I do that to her, Sherman. I mean it.”
He shook his head. “That’s a fucking cop-out, Paris. You’re you, not your father.”
The door opened. And she was standing there. Crying. And I couldn’t fucking take it any more. Because she was crying because of me. She was crying for me.
“Oh, God, Alex, I’m so sorry. I can’t do this.”
She looked at me, tears running down her face, and said, “You don’t have to.”
I turned away from them, put my uninjured arm against the wall, and slowly, slowly, leaned my head against it. “Alex,” I said, “You’re… you’re so much better than me. I was always a fuckup. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
She approached me, and touched my arm, then slowly wrapped her arms around it.
“Dylan,” she whispered. “You bring out the best in me. You always have.”
I whispered, “But I fucked up, Alex. If I hadn’t lost it the way I did, the way my father always did, we would never have been sent out on that patrol. And Roberts wouldn’t have died.”
“Fuck,” Sherman said, throwing himself on the bed. “Maybe you’re fucking right. If we hadn’t been sent out that day, it would have been a different patrol. And you know what? Then they would have caught the shit instead. If it had been second platoon, if they’d gone out there as scheduled, and gotten fucked up like we did, would you be sitting here feeling guilty about it? Jesus Christ, Dylan. What about later on, after you left? Weber bought it three weeks later. Taking a piss, and a sniper got him. He died with his fucking dick hanging out. Is that your fucking fault too? That’s what war is.”
I looked at him, feeling as lost as I’ve ever been in my life. I didn’t know that. Jesus Christ. Weber died taking a piss?
I took a long, careful look at Alex. At her tears and grief. And then I thought how much worse it would be if I dragged her into my world. A world where people died taking a piss, a world where drunken husbands beat their wives half to death, a world where her boyfriend was going to be on trial for assault, or maybe attempted murder.
I couldn’t do that to her.
I shook my head, in sudden negation, and said, my voice at a broken near whisper, “I’m sorry, Alex. I can’t do this to you. It’s too big a risk. It’s over. I’m so sorry.”
Her expression didn’t change, except to slightly stiffen. She stood up a little straighter maybe. But I could see in her eyes that I’d dealt a blow, one that she’d likely never forgive me for. She blinked to clear her eyes, then said, “I am too, Dylan. You have no idea how much. But let me tell you just one thing.”
She stepped even closer than she already was, until we were face to face, no more than two inches apart.
In a clear, strong voice, she said, “You don’t get to decide what’s too big a risk for me. You don’t decide what’s good for me and what isn’t. That’s my decision, Dylan. If you care about me so much, then how dare you do this all by yourself? I choose not to destroy my present because of the risk of a future that might or might not happen. You should think about that.”
Then she turned and walked out.
Sherman stood there, looking at me, then muttered a curse. He shook his head, and then said, “I never thought I’d say this to you, Dylan. But you’re a fucking idiot. I’m not staying around to watch this train wreck.”
My eyes darted to him, and I said, my voice cold, “I didn’t ask you to.”
He sighed, and his shoulders slumped. He looked defeated, his face and eyes turned to the floor. For a second, it looked like he was going to say something else, but he stopped. Then he turned and left.
And just like that, I was all alone again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
I’m sorry I got your kid killed (Alex)
Sherman caught up with me about two blocks away from Dylan’s apartment. I heard him calling, but
kept walking. I was too caught up, too angry to stop.
He finally reached my side and matched my pace. He didn’t say anything at first.
It was a chill afternoon, a little dark, and a few leaves were scattered here and there. It matched my dark mood perfectly.
I finally came to a full stop. Sherman took two more steps before he could halt his momentum, then spun around and said, “You’re taking this well.”
“I could kill him,” I said.
“Anger is good,” he replied.
“I can’t do any more crying, all right? He’s made his stupid decision.”
“You want to talk?”
“Not really.”
“Humor me.”
I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. I couldn’t zero in on my emotions. There was an empty hole there. That scared me, more than anything else I’d experienced. How did Dylan have the power to just… take away a part of me like that? I knew it was a matter of time before the pain came. And when it did, I didn’t know what I was going to do. Maybe just fall apart entirely.
I gave a firm nod. “All right.”
So we turned and walked to the coffee shop.
“Let’s sit outside,” I said.
He nodded, and we went in and got our coffee, then sat down in the seats closest to the street. He ostentatiously slapped a pack of cigarettes against his hand several times, then ripped off the cellophane and lit up a cigarette.
I said, “Can I have one?”
He blinked, then passed a cigarette over. “I didn’t think you smoked.”
“I don’t. Let me have a light.”
He shook his head. “Seems like everyone I know is making stupid decisions today.”
“Fuck off,” I answered, then took his lighter and made an attempt at lighting the cigarette. I took a long drag from it, feeling it burn down my throat, then coughed.
“Didn’t Bloomberg ban outdoor smoking, too?”
“Fuck him, too,” I said. “God, that’s nasty.”
“Yeah, well…”
I took another drag. God, I was getting lightheaded.
“Look, Alex… would it help if I said this is probably temporary?”
I looked at him, and said, “No, not really.”
He frowned, then slumped in his seat.
“It won’t help, because it’s not temporary. He might change his mind tomorrow or the next day or next week, but he’ll still have the same issue. Thinking he’s not good enough. Hating himself.”
He sighed, and I took another drag off the cigarette. Now I was really buzzed. “Do you always get buzzed when you smoke?”
He shook his head. “No… that’s only for people who are smoking for the first time, or who only rarely do it.”
I think I grunted. That was disappointing. What was the point in smoking, then?
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
He nodded, and took a sip of his coffee. He was slumped in his chair, staring at the traffic. “I hope it isn’t selfish to say, I hope you won’t give up on him. Dylan’s a good guy. He’s just … a little fucked up right now.”
I nodded, then stamped out my cigarette.
“I don’t know why you smoke those things,” I said, putting my head in my hands. “I feel woozy.”
We were silent for a little while, the traffic just passing by. I was calm. Steady. Unnaturally so. I was relatively sure that once I sat down and let myself actually feel something, that would be the end. I wasn’t ready to fall apart. Not yet.
I looked up at the sky. “No, I won’t give up on him. But I won’t… I won’t be fooled, either. I love him. I really love him, Sherman. I don’t even know what to think anymore. How can he be so damn stubborn? What if he comes back around tomorrow? Do I take him back, and just get hurt again next time he’s down on himself?”
“God, I need a drink,” Sherman said.
I nodded. “Me, too. But I missed all my classes today. I’m going to need to keep it together tomorrow.”
He nodded, then said, “If it helps any… Ah, shit. Dylan will not appreciate this. But fuck him. I’m sending you some emails. From last March, when he first got to Walter Reed. I think you need to read them. If nothing else, it will give you some insight into the crazy shit going on in his head.”
He took out his phone, and I could see him paging through it. “All right,” he said. “What’s your email address?”
“Um… AlexLovesStrawberries, all one word, at yahoo.com.”
He grinned. “That’s hilarious. Okay. Just… delete these or something, okay? I shouldn’t be sending them to you at all. But… look. He’s my friend. And it’s killing me seeing him do this to himself.”
My phone chimed a second later. I checked, and there were the emails from Sherman.
“Thank you,” I said.
“You going to be okay?” he asked.
I shrugged. “What’s okay, when your heart is breaking apart? I’m not going to go kill myself, if that’s what you’re asking. But no. I’m not okay.” For the first time since the talk with Dylan, my voice broke. “I’m not okay at all.”
There wasn’t anything else to say. I asked him how long he was staying in town.
“Couple weeks. At least that was the plan. I don’t know if Dylan’s going to want me around, but all my crap’s at his place. We’ll see what happens, okay? I’ll keep you in the loop. If nothing else, I need to try to keep him out of jail.”
I swallowed, then said, my voice very quiet, “Thank you.”
We stood, and he gave me an awkward hug, and I began to trudge back to my dorm. I could see Dylan in my mind: lean, exhausted, pale, leaning his head against the wall. Telling me that he had to protect me from him, that he was ending it, because he wasn’t good enough. The heartache and pain in his eyes as he pushed away from me.
If I had any doubts whether or not he loved me, they were gone. But maybe love just wasn’t enough.
I didn’t realize it when I started crying. Not until the guy who ran the flower shop at the corner of West 109th and Broadway saw me. He stared, then pulled a single rose out, and said, “Hey, girl. This is for you. Whatever is making you sad… I hope this makes it better.”
I stopped, stunned, and took the rose.
“Thank you,” I said, and started crying harder. “I really appreciate it,” I said, wiping my face and feeling like a complete idiot.
He literally bowed, then backed into his shop. I walked on, arriving at my dorm five minutes later. But I wasn’t ready to go in and face Kelly, so I kept going, turned right on 103rd and walked down to Riverside Park. It had been quite a while, but I used to sit on the benches here—sometimes alone, sometimes with Kelly—and watch the river.
In fact, Kelly and I used to picnic over here on the weekends last year, sometimes with Joel. We hadn’t this year, and not only did I wonder why not, but I also wondered why, when Dylan asked me about my favorite thing to do in New York, I never included our times down here.
Of course, the answer was simple. I spent most of last year pining for him. Worrying about him, knowing he was in danger every day in Afghanistan. Then, not knowing anything at all, except that his name had failed to appear on the lists of soldiers killed-in-action—which I checked every day—but that he’d disappeared all the same.
My whole life was wound up in his.
So I sat by the river, and I thought, and I remembered.
I remembered the first time we kissed, halfway around the world from here.
I remembered sitting with him the night before we left Israel. He was wearing his black trench coat, both of us on a wide balcony, facing each other.
I’d asked him what he wanted. Did we want to commit to each other? Was it over when we returned to our respective homes? Would we stay together, even with the distance? What did he want?
He couldn’t answer.
I remember slapping him on the chest, and crying out, “Why w
on’t you tell me how you feel?”
He couldn’t. “I don’t know how to answer that,” he said. “I think we just need to see what happens.”
So we made no plans at all. It was all muddled, no commitment, but we still loved each other. Both of us broke it off with the people we’d been dating back home within days of our return, but even so, it was still just so unclear.
To think that less than nine months after that, he told his drill sergeant that he intended to marry me. Why the hell couldn’t he tell me that?
“Hey baby, why you crying?” asked a guy on his bike, stopping in front of me. “You need some comfort?”
“Oh, fuck off,” I replied.
“Bitch,” he said, then rode off.
I took a deep breath. I was a mess. I rooted around in my purse, found a not-terribly clean napkin, and wiped my face. Then I took out my phone, and started to read.
At first the messages didn’t make sense. Then I realized the newest ones were on top, of course. So I scrolled way down to the bottom, and started reading up. And tried to keep from falling apart.
MARCH 24, 2012
TO:
FROM:
SUBJECT: WASSUP?
Weed,
I’m at Walter Reed. They say I might get to keep the leg, but it doesn’t work worth a shit. What’s up with you? How’s everybody?
I miss you guys more than you know.
Dylan Paris
MARCH 25, 2012
TO:
FROM:
SUBJECT: RE: WASSUP?
Holy shit, it’s alive! You get your laptop replaced? How’s Walter Reed? I’m sure the hospital sucks, but is the food at least better than here? We’re doing okay, mostly. Weber got whacked by some fucking hajis a couple weeks ago, and Sergeant Colton got hit. Colton’s back on duty already, and raising hell because we got caught with a fifth of gin in the tent. Bet he took it to drink himself.
Just Remember to Breathe (Thompson Sisters) Page 16
