Once the auditions started, it became clear how confusing it was to have four judges. When two of them said yes to an act and two of them said no, no one knew what to do and it just didn’t work. It also made the days much longer: the judges speak for two minutes after each act, which takes enough time when there’s three of them, so a fourth judge meant adding two minutes to every audition, and there’s usually about forty of them in a day, which means each day was longer by… a lot, let’s not get bogged down with figures. At the end of the first day, Simon rang me and asked us if we wanted to go up to his hotel room. There was nothing funny going on, he just wanted to talk about the fourth-judge situation. When we got there, the first thing he did was apologize – he said he knew he should have consulted us and was sorry that he hadn’t. He was already reconsidering his decision, and it was a good, honest chat and that cleared the air, which was just as well – Simon’s such a heavy smoker that it’s always good to clear the air when you’re anywhere near him.
We got through the three days in Manchester, still unsure what was going to happen and then, the following week, Ant and me were away for a weekend playing golf between auditions and we got a call from Richard Holloway, one of the executive producers. Richard told us that Kelly wouldn’t be coming back. It wasn’t that it was anything personal with Kelly; it was just that four judges didn’t work. We both felt sorry for her, because she’d been thrown into this whole thing, and it hadn’t worked out.
After a rocky start to the audition tour, things settled down into their usual pattern – boozy nights in the hotel bar and long days by the side of the stage. One of the things people don’t know about Britain’s Got Talent is that, when you see us in the wings, there’s usually another curtain and behind it are a few chairs, where we occasionally grab a seat between auditions – sometimes you just need a breather from the talent madness. In an average day by the side of that stage, you’re surrounded by dogs, fire breathers, dance troupes and sword swallowers and, after a while, there’s only so much ‘entertainment’ you can take.
Initially, that area just had those few chairs and a packet of biscuits, in case we fancied one with a cup of tea or one of my lattes. Over the three series, though, the amount of food in that area has grown and grown and, on the latest tour, there was a huge plastic box containing every kind of snack imaginable – fruit, crisps, sweets, chocolate and biscuits. The box has a sign on it that says, ‘Ant and Dec’s – keep off’, but the last people who actually eat any of that food are us two. There’s so much of it round there now that we’ve christened it the picnic area. There are more chairs too, and people come and sit there at various points in the day. There’s Georgie, one of the executive producers, Andy, our writer, Claude who does our makeup – they’re the regulars – and then there are various other visitors: Ali will sit there if she’s come to the auditions, my missus, who does Stephen Mulhern’s make-up on the ITV2 show pops in, and Ali Barker, Simon’s assistant, will sometimes put in an appearance. You can hear the rustle of crisps and sweet packets being opened on stage and it has been known for us, in the middle of talking to an act, to have to put our head round the curtain and tell the picnic area to keep the noise down.
During the auditions, there’s usually someone showing round foreign TV producers, who are hoping to make the show in their country and have come to see how it works. On this series, there was a group of Scandinavians being given a guided tour of the backstage area and while we were taking one of our breathers, they came over for a quick chat. They were keen to know about our role, and were scribbling things on a notepad as we answered their questions:
‘So you interview all the acts, yess?’
‘Just about, yeah.’
‘And you are always watching all the performances, yess?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I have one final question about ze job you do – why isss there always so much chocolate next to you?’
Every single person in the picnic area looked at the floor, sniggering and embarrassed at the same time.
There really is food everywhere on Britain’s Got Talent. We were doing auditions in Birmingham this year, and we’d had a late one in the hotel bar the night before. I’ll be honest: I had a stinking hangover and a real craving for a packet of smoky bacon crisps.
Very wise – salt and vinegar just won’t cut it when you’ve got a hangover; you need a specialist flavour like smoky bacon.
I’d seen a bag in the picnic area the day before and that had put the idea in my head. Needless to say, it wasn’t there the next day – one of the picnickers had no doubt wolfed it down. I asked Georgie because, obviously, as executive producer, one of her main roles is to make sure we have the right flavour crisps, if I’d be able to get a bag, and she went off to speak to someone. Ten minutes later, a runner appeared. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said, ‘there’s none in the building… but I’m going out to get coffees anyway, so I can get you a packet?’ I told her if she was going out anyway and it was no trouble that would be great.
Half an hour later, the runner came back with a bag of smoky bacon. Not a single bag but a carrier bag with eight individual packets in it. I had one, which did wonders for the hangover, and was as happy as Larry. Ten minutes later, we were in the middle of yet another fascinating interview with a couple of knife throwers who worked at Kwik Fit, when I heard a rustling come from the picnic area. I quickly worked out what was going on – the picnickers had started tucking into the rest of my crisps. I pulled back the curtain, ready to shush them, only to find another lot of smoky bacon crisps being delivered.
Little did I know that, when the word got out about the smoky-bacon emergency, a second runner had overheard the request and had gone and bought a load too – another seven packs.
It was starting to get embarrassing – I’d only wanted one bag and now most of the city’s supply had arrived. We got back to work and got talking to another contestant. In the middle of the interview, I cracked a joke about Simon Cowell’s teeth and there was a ripple of laughter from the picnic area. We finished the chat and I turned to the picnickers, ready to revel in the glory of my Cowell’s teeth gag. I pulled back the curtain and was struck with déjà vu – there was a third runner emptying another half a dozen packs of smoky bacon into the giant Ant and Dec snack box.
I looked like the biggest crisp diva in showbusiness.
As you can see, Ant is a very powerful man – when he says he wants something, people everywhere run out and get it.
They certainly do. Although, if I knew the response was going to be that good, I would have asked for something a bit more exciting.
What? A tube of Pringles?
Exactly. Anyway, I felt really guilty – although I did take them home, and I’ve still got at least six bags in my crisp cupboard. By the time you read this, that may be down to two, or even, depending on my hangover quotient, one.
We went straight from auditioning talent to trying to use our own, with a brand-new series of Saturday Night Takeaway, and the latest instalment of Ant versus Dec – The Teams. I had a lovely team this year – Jonny Wilkes, Yvette Fielding, Liz McLarnon, Lembit Opik and Brian Conley. Jonny is obviously an old friend of ours, and Brian Conley is Alan Conley, the floor manager’s brother (the name’s a dead giveaway) and we had a great time.
I had a great team too – Nicky Clarke, Edwina Currie, Bobby Davro, Antony Costa and Sinitta – and in case you were wondering: we won the series.
Don’t remind me.
I think my favourite member of Team Dec was Nicky Clarke – he was a real team player, always prepared to muck in, and great fun. Who am I kidding? He used to cut my hair. For free.
We were in the O2 arena, where both teams were supposed to be practising for a truck-pull challenge, I was having a chat with Jonny about team tactics and I looked over at Dec to see Nicky Clarke cutting his hair. In the middle of the O2.
You know what they say – ‘It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
’
You did have a very good haircut that series, I have to say.
Ant versus Dec is a massive part of Takeaway, and both teams quickly learnt how much it really does take over your life for the duration of the series. Whether it’s learning donkey’s names, an Oliver or Grease medley, or writing and recording a charity single, we take every challenge very seriously and, as we’ve said before, we get very, very competitive. Even our families get in on the act, and they take it personally when we lose. If I’ve lost a challenge, I’ve had lots of consoling chats with my mam on the phone after the show. And considering I still haven’t won a series, you’ll start to understand how big my phone bill is during a run of Takeaway.
Even my nieces and nephew get into it, although not necessarily in the way I’d like them to. The daughters of Lisa’s brother Stephen – Courtenay, who is eleven, Morgan, who is six and Bonnie, who is two – leave voice-mail messages on my phone after I’ve lost a challenge in which they shout, ‘Loser!’. When it first started, my nephew, Ethan, used to cheer for Team Dec – because they wear blue and my team wear red, which, in his three-year-old mind, is a girl’s colour. I made sure I got lots of Team Ant memorabilia and gave it to him, so he knows exactly who to support. I’m glad to say he’s now firmly behind my team, so much so that the last time he came down, he spent the whole train journey back up to Newcastle running up and down the carriage shouting, ‘Team Ant! Team Ant!’ I was very proud of him, even if we did still lose the series.
One other thing I’m very proud of is that, like Dec with his mam and dad, last year, I bought Sarha a house. Unfortunately, her marriage broke up, but the house we got is next door to my mam and Davey and, these days, I have a room at Sarha’s when I go home. As we’ve both said before, the best thing about the success we’ve enjoyed is that we can help out our families, and that’s really important to both of us. It’s a one-in-a-million opportunity to get to where we have, and you’ve got to share with the people who really matter to you.
They didn’t run up and down the train carriage screaming, ‘Team Dec’, but my mam and dad came down to the latest series of Takeaway too. Every single time my dad comes to the show, the same thing happens – he always says he’s going to sit in the audience and then, five minutes before the show starts, he pipes up with, ‘I’ll just watch it from here’ – and he stays in the green room with a bottle of beer. The Donnelly men love a bottle of beer and a bit of telly.
My mam and Davey sit in the audience when they come down, and when they come for a drink after the show, all my mam wants to talk about is Andy Collins, our warm-up man. Our post-show chat is always the same:
‘Hi, mam, what did you think of the show?’
‘Wasn’t Andy Collins good – he is brilliant.’
‘Yeah, he is – did you like the show?’
‘He did this bit during the adverts with this bald fella, it was hilarious…’
‘Did you like Ant versus Dec?’
‘I think Andy should have his own show, you know.’
‘Right.’
The other visitors we had down to that series were Little Ant and Dec. They were about fifteen or sixteen by this point, and I didn’t even recognize Little Dec at first. I was standing in the corridor talking to someone after the show and, out of the corner of my eye, I could see a teenage lad standing there listening in. After a couple of glances I worked out it was Dylan, or the artist formerly known as Little Dec. We had a really nice chat and he told me he’s trying to get into acting – and even though his first job was to play a miniature version of me, I’m sure he’ll make it.
I had a chat with Little Ant, who couldn’t have been more different – he’s got no interest in getting into showbusiness, and told me he’d like to be a mechanic. Doing Little Ant and Dec had put him off performing for life. Personally, I blame Bruce Willis.
Incidentally, they are both much taller than us two now, and have much deeper voices. We are now officially Little Ant and Dec. And with that ordinary, everyday tale of a reunion with our miniature selves, we come to the final part of this book.
This epic story, which began with Geordie Racer and Why Don’t You? is almost at an end. We’d love to go on, but we’ve realized it’s quite tricky to write an autobiography that’s set in the future.
As we sit here, writing the last few pages, you’ll be pleased to know that we’re in the same place we’ve spent most of the last twenty years – a TV studio. In a few hours, we’ll go on stage and host the first semi-final of Britain’s Got Talent. By the time you read this, you’ll know who won the series, so in a way you already know something we don’t – I hope you feel nice and smug about that.
Before we go, though, there’s just time for the big ending – the bit where we tell you what we’ve learnt about ourselves and how we’ve grown as human beings during the making of our life story.
When we agreed to write this book, we thought it would be great fun, and we were absolutely right. In twenty years, this is the first time we’ve really stopped and looked back. We’re already on to our third career – after acting and pop music, we’re now TV presenters. I’m sure that over the course of the last 355 pages, we’ve missed out things that happened and people who helped us, and we’re sorry for that but, strangely, we can’t remember every day from the last twenty years.
One thing that surprised us about the whole experience was that, at times, writing this book felt a bit like having therapy, especially our music career, which was one of the toughest parts. We both know that we wouldn’t be where we are today without it but looking back was sometimes difficult. We were doing something that, towards the end, we didn’t really believe in and we were working so, so hard for very little reward – either creatively or financially. Having said that, it taught us to be more resilient, it made us who we are today and it led to the career we have now. Plus we got to travel the world, perform to sell out crowds and we’ve still got some precious memories from those days, so I don’t think either of us would change a second of it.
We’ve been incredibly fortunate to have enjoyed such a remarkable time. We told you at the start that whenever something memorable happens, we look at each other and say, ‘One for the book,’ and writing this has shown just how many of those moments we’ve had in the last twenty years. Throughout it all, we’ve always had one constant that’s kept us sane – each other. In two decades, we’ve never spent more than two weeks apart. Some people might not understand it, but our friendship is a massive, massive part of where we are today.
I always think back to the two of us, down at the Quayside, sat in Dec’s MG Metro Turbo after we’d left Byker Grove. We were eighteen years old and about to start our music career. We didn’t have a clue what the future held for us, how our lives were going to pan out, or whether we’d ever be able to make a living doing the things we loved. Despite all that, we made an agreement – whatever happened, we’d be mates for ever, and neither one of us would ever be on our own out there. Sitting here today, that’s as true as it’s always been. If it all ended tomorrow, we’d still speak every day, we’d still see each other all the time and we’d still be best mates. And that’s something we’re both very proud of.
Without a doubt, the best thing to come out of the last twenty years, the greatest thing we’ve ever achieved, our biggest success, has been our friendship. And nothing will ever, ever change that.
Right, fancy a pint?
I thought you’d never ask…
Thank you
We would like to thank everyone we’ve worked with over the last twenty years. From those early days on Byker Grove, right through to the present day, in front of and behind the camera, you’ve all played a significant part in our story so far.
And to our families, friends and loved ones, for your unconditional love and support, and for allowing us to believe we could do it, thank you.
We wouldn’t be where we are today without you all.
Cheers.
&nb
sp; Picture and lyric permissions
All page numbers refer to the insets.
Page 18 (top right) photo of Ant, Dec and Will Young on Pop Idol: © Fremantle Media Ltd/Rex Features.
Page 20 (top left) photo of Ant on one knee against SNT background: © ITV plc; (top right and middle left) photos of Ant and Dec in ‘Undercover’ disguises: © ITV plc; photos of Dec on his motorbike (bottom left) and of Ant and Dec abseiling (bottom right): © Ken McKay/Rex Features.
Page 29 (top left) photo of Britain’s Got Talent: © Fremantle Media Ltd/ Simco Ltd 2009.
‘Baby Got Back’ Words & Music by Anthony Ray © Copyright 1992 Mix-A-Lot Publishing, USA. Universal/Island Music Limited. Used by permission of Music Sales Limited. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.
‘Eternal Love’ by Nicky Graham, Michael Olton McCollin and Deni Lew. Maximum Music Limited (Prs). All Rights administered by Warner/Chappell Music Publishing Ltd.
‘I’ll Make Love to You’ Words & Music by Babyface © Copyright 1994 ECAF Music/Sony/ATV Songs LLC, USA. Sony/ATV Music Publishing (UK) Limited. Used by permission of Music Sales Limited. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.
Ooh! What a Lovely Pair: Our Story Page 37
