Disoriented and aching, I woke to a thick cock nestled between my ass cheeks. Suddenly wide awake and afraid of a repeat of the last time, I tried to vault out of the bed.
I didn’t make it.
“No” was growled out in a voice scratchy from sleep, and my wrist was caught in a viselike grip.
“Grayson, it’s me, Nova, not Anna,” I blurted.
“What the fuck? I know who the hell you are. Why would you say that?” He rose up to his elbow to hover over me.
The internal war that had been battling in my mind roared to life again. Indecision tore through me as I debated whether I should confess or if it was better to leave sleeping dogs lie.
“Answer me, Nova. Why would you say that? Have I ever made you feel like you were a substitute for her?” In the faint light of the early predawn, I could see his brows drawn together.
“The morning Mattie caught me leaving….” I struggled to swallow the lump lodged in my throat.
“What about it?” he persisted.
Closing my eyes and palming my forehead, I struggled to find words. Because of my stupid proposition, it would make that morning seem opportune for me. Deciding to come clean, I held in a deep breath, then exhaled heavily.
“You woke me up like this that morning too.” Opening my eyes to gauge his reaction, I saw confusion on his face.
“You were snuggled up to my back and we… um… you… you didn’t use a condom,” I whispered in clarification. “I swear I didn’t plan on letting you—um, you know—but it happened so fast.”
“Jesus.” I saw the dawning comprehension in his eyes before they narrowed on me. “Are you?” He was suddenly emotionless.
“Am I what?”
“Pregnant.” His jaw ticked, and I could see the betrayal and anger written across his face.
“No!” The answer was both a relief and a regret.
“It must have been quite a disappointment when things didn’t work out for you.” My heart bottomed out. I couldn’t believe he would think I’d trick him.
“You think I did that on purpose?” I asked in shock. “Trust me when I say you woke me up with your dick damn near inside me. It’s not like I was completely with it at the beginning. But yes, I should’ve stopped you. Call me a criminal, but I just wanted to enjoy the feeling for a minute. I wanted to pretend that you actually cared about me. At least until you called me Anna.” The last part was bitter on my tongue. The painful stabbing feeling ate at my soul as I relived that morning in my mind.
“Aww, fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t—” he started, but I spoke over him.
“It’s okay. I mean, I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt, but I know how much you love her and how bad her loss affected you. I was a fucking fool to think that you’d want me. After sixteen years and you still hadn’t moved on? That’s more than I can compete with. For what it’s worth, I’m the one that’s sorry. I’m sorry for ever coming to you that day.” Resigned to face his anger and for him to tell me to leave, I rolled over so I could crawl out of bed.
“You’re wrong.”
I snorted in disbelief as I started to look for my clothes.
“Anna’s loss devastated me because I wasn’t prepared for something like that. We were both young, healthy, and had just had a beautiful baby. I’ve held on to that pain for years. I’ve poured all of my energy and emotions into my daughter—telling myself I didn’t have it in me to start another relationship. Because truthfully, I didn’t. I missed her too much and I couldn’t let her go.” He paused and ran a hand through his sexily disheveled hair.
“You don’t owe me any explanations. I get it.” I pulled on my clothing piece by piece.
“Nova, what are you doing?” He jumped up, shamelessly nude as he rounded the bed to where I stood.
It took a lot to force myself not to stare at his naked splendor. “I’m going home. I need you to let me out if the alarm is set.”
When I tried to step around him, he grabbed my biceps. “You’re not leaving. For one, until we find out what’s up with the dumpster guy, it’s not safe. For two, I don’t want you to leave.”
“Why?” I cried desperately. “There’s no room for me in your heart or your life. I keep getting my hopes up with you only to have them utterly dashed. Between your waffling, my foolish optimism, and my ridiculous obsession with you leading me to make stupid decisions, we destroyed any chance we might’ve had. But the most important obstacle is one I simply cannot remove. You still love your dead wife, Grayson!”
His eyes closed and his head dropped. The hold on my arms loosened, and I thought he was realizing I was right. Except as I stepped back, his eyes popped open, he pulled me closer, and those pale green irises burned into me.
“You’re wrong. I mean, yes, I loved Anna. But what you’ve made me realize is that we were kids swept up in a situation neither of us was prepared for. We made the best of it, and yeah, I did love her. As much as an eighteen-year-old boy can. For years I punished myself for her death, believing it was what I deserved.”
“I—” I started, but he gave me a look and a sharp shake of his head.
“Please let me finish. I’ve been having dreams about Anna,” he began, and my heart hurt. He must have read it on my face. “Not like you’re thinking. She’s been popping up in my dreams begging me to let her go. Telling me that I’m keeping her from moving on and that I’m sabotaging my own happiness. I’m not saying I believe it was her ghost coming to me in my dreams, but whatever it was, it told me that maybe it was time. You burst into my world after sixteen years, and I didn’t know what to do with you or the emotions you evoked in me. So I rebelled, but I wavered because the two sides of my subconscious were battling in my mind. It’s time to move on, and I really want it to be with you. I’m done fighting how I feel about you.”
He’d rendered me speechless.
As I stood there, half-dressed, I blinked up at him. There were so many things I wanted to say that I couldn’t spit a one of them out.
“Say something. Have I fucked this up too badly? Because right now I’m thinking I more than suck at relationships.” His pleading gaze held mine.
He was baring himself to me in a way that had to be incredibly difficult for a man like him, and I was standing there like a dumbass. Swallowing with difficulty, I tried to sift through the chaos in my head.
When I still couldn’t form proper words, defeat made his face fall. “I’ll go sleep in the weight room. You can have the bed.”
Only when he was walking away from me did I finally find my tongue. “No!” I reached for him, and he grabbed my hand in his.
Wary, he watched me—waited.
“I don’t know what to say,” I spat out desperately.
“It would appear there isn’t much to be said. I’m sorry we couldn’t figure this out.”
“That’s not what I mean,” I began. “I’m scared.”
“Of us? Or of me?” He cocked his head.
“Both? You’re not the only one who sucks at relationships. Jesus, my last relationship ended with me being broke, financially ruined, and betrayed. You’re not the only one who’s gun-shy.” Nervously, I chewed on my lower lip, but reveling in our connection, I threaded my fingers through his. Holding on tight, I made the leap.
“I’m going to tell you a secret. I’ve had a crush on you since my sixth birthday, when you won me that purple monkey from the claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese. When you fell for Anna, I was both overjoyed and brokenhearted. More than anything, I wanted your happiness, and she did that for you. But at the same time, seeing you happy with someone else tore me apart. My poor little teenage heart was bruised beyond anything I’d ever experienced. But when we lost Anna, I hurt twofold. Because she’d been my best friend when I was the little weird kid two grades ahead of her peers, and because I hated seeing you so lost.”
I sighed, and he squeezed my hand.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I stalled. Then I finally summoned the courage to
finish my thoughts. “This isn’t going to be easy. We both have a lot of bad experiences tainting our relationship history. But I’m willing to try because you have my heart and you’ve had it since I was six.”
“So we’re doing this?” he questioned.
“Yeah,” I clarified. Inside I was a beautiful mixture of excited and scared.
Again, he stepped into my space. Long fingers tangled in my hair as he gripped my head and tipped my head up. The passionate kiss I expected was instead a soft, hopeful agreement.
“I Met a Girl”—William Michael Morgan
Nova ended up riding on my bike with me to the memorial. Mattie rode with Truth, who’d been newly appointed as our road captain. He’d at first balked at taking Check’s place. Finally, he’d accepted the position, but I knew it was painful for him and every brother in the club. No one wanted to replace Check. But what I’d told them was we were filling the position, never replacing the man.
The Iowa chapter went with us. The various brothers who knew Check would be cycling through the visitation. Everyone would eventually end up at the clubhouse to celebrate the life of a man we all loved.
We’d all parked and were preparing to enter the funeral home. My stomach churned, but I shoved it down to stay strong for my boys. Instead of breaking down, I held tightly to Nova’s hand. I let her be my quiet strength, knowing she’d be my shoulder when we were alone.
A soft hand slipped into my free one, and I looked down at my daughter. She was nervous, and I could see the pounding of her pulse in her neck.
“Sweetheart, if you don’t want to go in, you can sit in the waiting room and I’ll have one of your uncles stay with you. They can rotate out.” I wanted to give her an out if she wasn’t prepared to see Check that way. After all, she was only sixteen. The only person she’d ever lost was her mother, and she’d been too young to remember any of it.
“I’m okay, Dad. I need to do this.” She blinked back her tears.
I gave both my girls a hand squeeze and led the group inside.
We were directed to a room at the end of the hall. There were a few civilians in there offering condolences to his parents, who stood off to the side. His mother’s eyes were red and puffy, evidence of the many tears she must’ve shed. His father appeared hollow, likely still experiencing disbelief.
Behind them stood a dark-haired, leaner, and younger version of Check. It took a single glance to see that though he acted like he was tough and a badass, he was broken. Shannon was right, Cale needed someone or he was in danger of going off the rails worse than I’d thought Mattie would.
Multiple piercings, a bandage on his forearm I could only assume was a tattoo, and scuffed Vans were paired with a black T-shirt and black ripped-up jeans. Who the hell would give an underage kid a tattoo and piercings, I had no clue, but I’d have liked to beat their ass.
Once their visitors stepped away toward the coffin, I cleared my throat and moved forward. Nova and Mattie in tow, the brothers behind me.
“Shannon, Gary, I have no words to express my condolences.” Dropping the girls’ hands, I shook Check’s father’s hand. Pain flashed in his eyes before he flattened his lips and nodded. His grip tightened on my hand before he let go. Shannon enveloped me in a hug, and I felt her body shake as she fought the tears that had likely been her constant companion.
“Thank you for coming.” She leaned back, placed a hand on my cheek like I was a young kid. “Colby was so lucky to have friends like you boys. No matter that crap they say on the news, I know you’re good people and you were good for him. Thank you.”
She darted a worried gaze to her only remaining child, then back to me. Her brow wrinkled, and I knew what she was saying. “I’ll work on that too,” I whispered in her ear.
Wordless thanks poured from her as she held my hand in both of hers.
“Cale,” I said as I shook his hand. He tried to act tough as he met my eyes with his dark ones. He had a good, firm handshake, and I liked that about him. “You still working on that Sporty?”
He swallowed hard before he lifted his chin. If I hadn’t been paying attention, I would’ve missed the quiver of his lower lip. “Yes, sir.”
“Ahh, call me Smoke, son. None of that sir business. I’d like you to swing by the shop sometime. Maybe we could discuss your plans for it. I might have some ideas.” We both knew the importance of that bike. It had been Check’s first bike, and he’d given it to Cale for his sixteenth birthday. They’d worked on it here and there, but Check wasn’t much of a mechanic.
“Yes, sir, uh, Smoke.” He flickered his eyes at his father, who nodded. Gary had instilled manners in his boys, and I appreciated that despite his rebellion, he still thought about what he’d been taught.
I gave him a nod, then placed a hand on Nova’s back. “Nova, this is Shannon and Gary, Check’s parents.” I didn’t go into anything further since Nova and Check hadn’t actually met. He’d been out of town the night we’d met at the bar.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” she said softly. Shannon glanced to where my hand rested against the small of Nova’s back as she gave me a sad smile. The last time they’d had me over to dinner for Check’s birthday, she’d gotten after me about finding a good woman. I’d adamantly told her that wasn’t going to happen. It appeared I was eating my words.
We moved on to let the other brothers pay their respects. Inhaling deeply, I took the first step in the direction of the shiny coffin made in our club colors. My heart seized, and I hesitated briefly, then kept putting one foot in front of another.
My heart stuttered when we stopped and I looked down into the satin lining. The still figure in there barely resembled the man I’d known. Besides the suit I’d never seen him wear, Check had always been full of joy. Devoid of that animation, what was there was merely a body. Reaching in the pocket of my cut, I ran the worn patch through my fingers and pulled it out. For a moment, I lost myself in memories.
The sob that broke free from Mattie had me jumping back to the here and now. Her narrow shoulders hunched in on themselves. After tucking Check’s name patch in his cold, stiff hand, I quickly pulled her into my chest. Nova stepped up and ran a soothing hand in circles over her shoulders. Our eyes met over Mattie’s head and spoke volumes without saying a word.
“I know, sweetheart, I know.” Shooting one last goodbye to my brother, I bustled my daughter away from the casket.
“I’ve got her if you want to say goodbye,” Nova said quietly.
“Thank you.” Impulsively, I kissed her temple, then my daughter. “I won’t be long.”
Nova nodded as she held my daughter against her.
I returned to Shannon and Gary, who were speaking to an employee from the funeral home. They finished as I stopped next to them, and the man walked away with one last sympathetic smile. Cale was sitting in a chair at the back of the room, staring off into space with his jaw clenched.
“Is there anything you need that I can help you with?” I asked them.
Shannon stepped up to me with fire in her eyes. “You find who did this, and you make them pay. Do you hear me? You make. Them. Pay.” Her fire died and her face crumpled. Gary gathered her in his arms.
“The police aren’t doing anything. I’m counting on you to.” His jaw clenched much like his young son’s had. When I took one last glance Cale’s way, I saw agony reflected on his face as he watched his parents embrace. They were right to be worried about him. They were stuck in their own grief and weren’t overly capable of being there for him. I made a mental note to reach out to him often.
That thought propelled me his direction. Sitting in the vacant chair next to him, I was quiet for a minute.
“That a tattoo?” I motioned toward the bandage.
He looked at it, picking at the tape on the edge. “Yeah,” he mumbled.
“Who gave an underage kid a tattoo?” I couldn’t resist asking.
“I’m eighteen,” he said defensively. When I gave him a disbelieving
look, he crossed his arms. “My birthday was two days ago. Just because no one remembered, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”
My heart broke for the kid.
“Just because they’re hurting doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, you know.” I kept my volume dialed down to keep the conversation between us.
He huffed out a disbelieving laugh. Then he glared at me. “Do you really believe that? Between my now nonexistent siblings, there’s no room for me.”
“We’ll agree to disagree on that. I want you to come by the shop Tuesday after school. If you don’t show up, I’m going to go looking for you. Do you have a way to get there?”
He looked away and worked his jaw back and forth. At first I didn’t think he was going to answer me, then he darted his dark eyes back to me. “Yeah, I can get there.”
“Good. I’ll see you Tuesday.” I stood to leave, then paused. “Matter of fact, what are you doing tonight?”
Surprise lit his face. “Um, nothing. Was gonna play my guitar a little. Why?”
“If it’s okay with your parents, do you wanna hang with us tonight at the clubhouse? We’re gonna celebrate your brother’s life.”
His eyes widened. “Uh, seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously.”
“Uh, okay. Yeah, sure, Smoke.” He was back to trying to sound tough, but I hadn’t imagined the sheen over his eyes.
When I reached my hand out, he gripped it firmly. With my other hand I unlocked my phone with my thumb and handed it to him. “Text yourself from my phone so I can send you the address.”
He did as he was told, and I gave him a last nod, then returned to his parents. I waited until they were done with their current discussion and the couple had moved on—after shooting me and my cut a nervous glance.
“It okay with you both if Cale hangs out with us tonight? You have my word that I won’t let anything happen to him.”
“Thank you,” Shannon replied as a tear slipped down her cheek. “We haven’t been worth a shit for him, and I feel like a failure as a parent.”
“Shannon,” Gary said as he wrapped an arm around her.
Smoke and Mirrors: A Demented Sons MC Texas Novel Page 16
