Breathe You In

by Joya Ryan

  “I’m sorry for what you both went through,” I said. “I’m so proud of you that you got sober. It must have been so hard.”

  She looked at me and smiled. “Thank you, dear. But I’ve fought my battles and had my woes. And all that has led me here, to you. Maybe this time, I can take responsibility for my part in this and help my son. I don’t want this to be the end of you two.”

  “He lied to me. From the beginning. You didn’t make him do that,” I said hoarsely.

  “No, I didn’t. But he trusts you.”

  “How can you know?”

  “Because he called me. I am the last person he’d turn to for help. And on the phone, not once did he defend himself or explain his side.”

  “He didn’t?”

  She shook her head. “No. He didn’t. He merely said, ‘Mom, I messed up, and Amy’s hurting and alone right now.’ You were his first concern. He said he wanted you to know that you still had somebody. That you weren’t alone. If you wouldn’t see him, maybe you’d see me, and I could tell you that.”

  Fresh tears streamed down my face, and something very dangerous emerged in the shadows of my soul.

  Hope.

  “I know what withdrawal looks like, dear.”

  She brushed a lock of hair away from my brow, and the gesture made me think of Roman. He did that every time he was trying to be soothing, a trait he must have gotten from his mother. It made me sad for him, for her, for both of them. So much time lost, so many feelings hurt. So much grief.

  “Both of you are struggling. The good things in life aren’t always easy, but they’re worth fighting for, if they’re right.”

  “I love him,” I admitted. Love had never been the issue for me, maybe from the beginning.

  “I know you do.”

  “But how do I know what’s real? It hurts so badly. I can’t breathe, like my lungs are gone.” I set my tea down and cradled my forehead in my hand.

  She nodded and pulled me into another hug. “It’s called addiction, honey.” She hugged me tighter. “It makes you strong and weak.”

  More tears fell and I held on to Regina like a lifeline. There were two things I knew for sure:

  I was at my best with Roman. Strong and happy. And without him, I’d never been so weak. So scared.

  And whatever happened, I was certain I wouldn’t survive another crash.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Holy shit balls!” Paige said, pacing the living room, her thumbs flying over her Blackberry. I’d just stepped from the bathroom after a nice long shower. Yesterday, when Regina had been here, she’d given me a lot to think about.

  I’d hoped that the hot water would somehow bring clarity and rational thought to my mind, but it hadn’t. All I could do was feel the hollow ache in my chest that had been growing since I’d left Roman.

  “What’s going on?” I asked. Paige looked up at me and bit her lower lip, obviously debating whether she wanted to tell me.

  “It’s okay. I know it’s about Roman. I can handle it,” I said.

  When Paige and Hazel had gotten home last night, I’d caught them up, minus the part about the “dating arrangement.” He’d lied to me, broken my heart, end of story. Paige hadn’t looked overly surprised but again, that’s why she was good at her job.

  “Roman just announced his support for the house chair. He gave it to Stanton.”

  My eyes shot wide and I gripped the towel around my chest. He’d threatened to back Stanton, but after the blowup in his office, I hadn’t known what to expect. In Roman’s position, it would have made more sense to go with Warren. Then he wouldn’t have had to worry about my past and Warren’s blackmail hurting his campaign.

  “Warren will leak to the press now.” I said. “The election is tomorrow. He’ll ruin Roman’s chances the day before the ballots get cast.”

  Paige shook her head. “Not if Roman leaked it first.”

  My brows came together so fast and hard, it hurt. Paige just started reading aloud from her handheld.

  “‘The opening of the New Beginnings drug counseling and rehabilitation center in Arbor Hill is due to the hard work and vision of Amy Underwood,’” Paige started. “‘Amy lost her older sister to a drug overdose several years ago…’” Paige trailed off, her eyes darting across the screen.

  “What?” I asked nervously.

  She met my stare. “He relates what you went through. How you were scared, had nowhere to go.” Her eyes went to the phone again. “‘She did what any loving sister would do,’” Paige read verbatim, “‘she took her home.’”

  Just when I’d thought I had the crying under control, that damn sting popped up behind my eyes again.

  Paige read on. “‘This tragedy will not hurt another family in New York if we don’t let it. Arbor Hill will be the place to go for all who need help.’” She looked up and, with her green eyes fastened on mine, said, “‘No one will be left to fight this battle alone.’”

  I put a hand over my mouth.

  Paige flicked a few more buttons. “Amy, he follows it up with a whole press release about his mother’s stay in rehab at New Beginnings.”

  “What?”

  “It’s all here.” She scrolled some more. “The entire truth. There’s even a picture.” She held out her phone so I could see Roman, on the steps of the capitol in Albany, hugging his mother. The photo was dated this morning.

  Paige looked back at me with a smile, then read, “‘New York and all her citizens deserve a fresh start.’”

  My heart sank and my stomach ached.

  “Will this hurt him? His chances at governor?” I asked quietly.

  “That’s the question you ask? You’re worried about him and his campaign?” Paige grabbed her purse.

  “What else should I ask?”

  She threw the strap over her shoulder. “I dunno, how about, does he love me?”

  I looked at my feet because I didn’t want to know the answer to that. Mostly because either way, I was certain I wouldn’t handle it well.

  “But,” Paige sighed. “To answer your first question, I’m heading to the office now to check the damage report. But honestly,” she said, glancing at her phone again, “if anything, I think this will help him. An honest admission of events that the average New Yorker can relate to? Roman just aired his dirty laundry, and I think it will end up securing the blue-collar vote.”

  I smiled sadly, but I was truly happy that this could be a good thing for him.

  “Paige?”

  With her hand on the doorknob, she turned to face me. “Yeah?”

  “That second question, the one I should ask…”

  She smiled. “Does he love you?”

  I nodded, bracing myself for another dose of pain. Because if Paige told me this was likely another scam, a special spin they’d done to gain votes, I thought I just might melt into the floor.

  “I would say yes,” she said. “But that seems a little inaccurate.” Pain bloomed in my chest, but she finished with, “I’d say hell yes, he loves you.”

  My entire chest relaxed as I released a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

  “I need to find him,” I said.

  “I’d suggest some clothes first, unless you really want to make an entrance.” She winked. “He should be at home right now. If you hurry, you can catch him before he leaves to meet his campaign team.”

  I rushed to my room and quickly dressed.

  I had a governor to go see.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The cab dropped me off in front of the governor’s mansion. I was almost to the steps when Roman bolted through the front doors to meet me.

  I stopped dead in my tracks.

  He looked tired. He hadn’t shaved in at least a day, and his dark eyes were red around the rims. His button-down was wrinkled, and there was no sign of his tie. Or, for that matter, the always crisp and composed Governor Reese.

  It was just him. Roman. Exhausted and sad-looking.

 
“Amy,” he said, and stepped toward me slowly, as if scared I’d dart away if he moved too quickly.

  “I heard what you said,” I started. Taking a deep breath, I tried to call on the last of my strength and say what I’d come here to say. “I never meant to put you in a position where you had to choose.”

  “You didn’t. And the choice was easy.” He stepped toward me. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me?”

  My eyes shot wide with something like anger, shock, and just…what had he just said?! The man had the nerve to ask me that?

  “What I’ve done to you?”

  “Yes.” He took another step. “I was fine before you. My world was controlled and predicable. Everything was my choice. My decision. I thought you’d be the same way. Just another pawn to serve my purpose.”

  Was he seriously saying this? After the story he’d launched about me and his mother, I’d thought things would be different. But the tug in my chest was informing me that my heart was threatening to break again. I was ready to scream, to throw something, to fall to my knees and beg God to make it stop.

  Then he said, “But you are the one I serve, Amy.”

  And my whole body zinged with a flare of anticipation. His dark eyes bore down on me, fear and hope etched along their edges.

  “I’ve never been more miserable than I have without you, sweetheart. You’ve changed everything. You have control over me. I hate it.” He lowered his voice and kept that blazing stare on me until I felt it to the center of my body. “But I love you. So damn much. You can have it all. Everything I am. Just please don’t walk away from me.”

  A sob broke low in my throat. “I want you to be happy.” And it was the truth. Such an easy thing to admit when there was nothing left to hide. “I never played you. I would never want to.”

  “I know.” He stepped closer, lifting his hands slightly as though cornering a frightened animal. “I’m the one who deceived you. There’s no excuse. But I swear to you, I won’t do it again. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

  “Politicians never admit defeat,” I whispered.

  He took the final step, so close I could feel the heat of his body.

  “You defeated me that first night, and I’ll concede happily if it means I get to keep you.”

  He gently cupped my face, and tears rolled down my cheeks and wet his fingers.

  “I love you, Amy.”

  With a deep breath, I said what I’d come here to say. The truth.

  “I love you, Roman.”

  He kissed me hard and I wrapped my arms around him.

  Standing outdoors on a cold day in November, I felt warm and safe. Complete.

  “It’s crazy,” he said against my lips. “How much I need you. It’s like…”

  “An addiction.” I nipped his bottom lip and he smiled.

  “Yes, an addiction.”

  Epilogue

  Living in sin with the governor isn’t going to look bad?” Hazel asked with a wink as she unpacked a box in the middle of Roman’s bedroom—now our bedroom.

  “Technically we’re not ‘living together.’ I’m just keeping some things here for an extended period,” I said, reciting what Roman and I had discussed. Smiling, I hung up some clothes in the closet. For the first time in a long, long time, I felt at peace. Truly complete.

  “I’m just glad the election is over. Roman won, and that douche Warren ran back home to his mommy with no chair to sit on.” Hazel snickered, and I glanced at her from within the closet. “Get it, no chair, because he ran for house chair?”

  “Oh, I get it.” I smiled and joined Hazel where she was, unpacking in front of the fireplace. I was so happy for Roman. After we’d made up, he’d taken me with him to watch the results come in. When he was announced the winner, he’d given a speech and addressed all his supporters. It had been overwhelming how many people had turned out. So much of the last few months had been wonderful and crazy and in the end, Roman was the right man. For New York and for me.

  This next step I was taking with the governor of New York was a permanent one. While my stomach fluttered with happiness, I looked at Hazel and said, “I’m going to miss you.”

  She looked up and patted my shoulder. “You’re not going far, and we’ll see each other all the time.”

  I nodded, then frowned as I saw what she was unwrapping. “What is that?”

  She peeled back the newspaper to reveal—oh, God, no…

  “It’s the turkey collection! I saw you looking at them all the time. It’s my housewarming present to you.” She beamed, and went about setting up Stroky and his cohorts on the little table between the chairs.

  “But, Hazel, you love those.”

  “Yes, but don’t worry. Christmas is coming, and I have these great sparkly Santas made out of recycled milk cartons and baby food jars.”

  “Great.” Hideous as those things were, I liked that a piece of my old home had followed me to Roman’s.

  “Have you heard from Paige?” I asked.

  Hazel shook her head. “I don’t know what’s going on with Paige. She’s been working late for the past week, and we haven’t really had a chance to chat.” She looked up at me. “You look happy, Amy.”

  “I am.”

  “It doesn’t bother you that you have to keep pieces of your relationship secret? Say that you and Roman aren’t living together when you are?”

  I unrolled another turkey. “It’s not secret. It’s like our own language. We share the truth, just not all the details.”

  “That makes sense.” She shrugged. “Your private life should be your own, but I can see how it could be difficult.”

  Yes, it could be. But he loved me. I had never been more certain of anything. And that made the adjustments easier, because we were doing it together.

  “You excited for your new job tomorrow?” Hazel asked.

  “I am. I’m looking forward to meeting everyone.”

  I was also nervous. The job was heading up the anti-drug campaign Roman had enacted. While New Beginnings was building the new facility, I was the consultant who worked with the state government and the non-profits it supported. I still got to help, make a difference, and be part of the process of cleaning up New York.

  “I still can’t believe you insisted on an application process,” she said.

  “It wouldn’t have been fair otherwise.”

  “Good afternoon, ladies.” Roman set down the large box by the doorway. Holy God, the man was hot. In his dark jeans, casual leather belt, and a white shirt that clung to his chest and abs so perfectly it made me want to swoon.

  Though it was a chilly day, he had helped move my things, and I’d never seen a man look better while toting boxes.

  “Getting all set up?” he asked, walking toward Hazel and me and examining the little table, which now had half of Stroky’s flock on it. He looked like he’d just swallowed a spoonful of salt.

  “It’s Hazel’s housewarming present,” I said, hoping to wipe that look off his face before Hazel noticed. “Isn’t that nice?”

  He instantly plastered on a smile. “Very thoughtful. Thank you, Hazel.”

  Hazel stood and clapped a little. “I’m so glad you like them.” She hugged Roman, and then turned to hug me. “I should be taking off, but let me know if there is anything else you need help with.”

  “Thank you so much.” My eyes stung a little as I watched Hazel leave, shutting the door behind her.

  Roman approached me and nudged my chin up with his finger. “I thought you were happy about moving in with me?”

  I smiled and batted the water away from my eyes. “I am. So much.”

  “Then why do you look like you’re about to cry?”

  I played with the bottom hem of his shirt. “It’s just, Hazel and Paige are kind of like my only family.” After the call with my mother a couple of weeks ago, she’d never called back. Which was fine, because I had let her go, along with the guilt and the past. And it felt good. It also made me re
alize that the few precious people I had in my life, I wanted to keep around.

  “I’m your family, Amy,” Roman said. “No matter what, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Great, now the tears were back. But they were the happy, amazing kind that made the world slow for just a moment so that all I could hear, see, and feel was Roman Reese.

  “I love you,” I whispered, lifting to my tiptoes and kissing him softly.

  He cupped my face and brushed his nose against mine. “I love you too, sweetheart.” He chuckled a little. “Speaking of people who love you, my mother has called four times today asking about us visiting next weekend. If I don’t give her an answer soon, I’m pretty sure she’ll camp out on our front lawn.”

  I smiled. “I’d love to visit. If you’d like to?”

  He nodded, and something very content glowed behind those dark eyes. “I would.”

  I gripped his shirt, so proud of him. So happy he’d found his own peace with his past. Over the past few weeks, he’d made a major effort to work things out with his mother. Now, he looked calmer than I’d ever seen him, and I was so happy that everything felt like it was falling into place. For both of us. Together.

  He gently nipped at my bottom lip, and I drew away just enough to run my gaze down his entire body.

  “Have I told you how sexy you look in jeans, Governor?”

  He grinned and kissed me quickly. “I figured moving my girlfriend in with me is an appropriate time to wear them.”

  “I agree. However…” I ran my palms up his impressive chest. “You are a little sweaty. Maybe it’s time for a shower.”

  “You don’t like me sweaty?” He traced his tongue along the seam of my lips.

  “I love you sweaty. I just want you naked and in the shower.”

  “Mmm, I like it when you’re demanding, Miss Underwood.”

  “I thought politicians don’t respond well to demands?” I ran my hands beneath his shirt, and his cut torso muscles jumped beneath my touch.

  “I respond to you every time, sweetheart,” he rasped against my mouth. “And I don’t ever see that changing.”