“Hey, can we talk?” He patted me on the back and gently untangled himself from me. The sympathetic glance from Bryce made it finally sink in. Something was very different and there was a high chance I wouldn’t like whatever Cooper had to say.
So be it, I thought, stepping aside as the brothers entered, Bryce looking every inch the uncomfortable bystander. I had no idea why he was here, but that was okay. Maybe both of us could talk some sense into my stubborn boyfriend and whatever speech he’d been rehearsing during the drive over would fall to ash to second it passed through his lips.
I hadn’t been sitting idly by since returning home. No, I’d be pacing back and forth as well—conducting an imaginary conversation in my head, trying to figure out a counter-argument to any possibility.
This way I was more than ready. Whatever happened, there’d be no surprises. Logic and love was on my side . . . our side.
“I’ll sit in here, maybe watch some television while you two talk. Give you some privacy,” Bryce said, already heading in the direction of the living room. Cooper started to say something, but without his brother there to hear it, it didn’t matter.
Once again, I noted the annoyed expression Cooper wore. He didn’t like being left alone with me—the first of many daggers to pierce my heart, making my chest ache.
“What’s going on?” I ventured, gesturing for him to walk through to the kitchen. If he was about to say what I thought he might, I refused to do it in my bedroom . . . not where we’d spent countless hours making love, baring each other’s souls in those vulnerable moments. “Can I get you something to drink?
Coward. Even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, it didn’t stop me from offering up small talk on the off chance he’d suddenly change his mind. He had something to say. When he didn’t sit at the table, I stopped in my tracks.
We were going to do this now without any further preamble.
“I think you know what this is about, Caylee.”
I nodded, not that he could see. “I do. I was just hoping that you’d at least look me in the eye while you did it.”
“This is hard for me.” Seemed he was hedging as well. He looked exhausted, his t-shirt was rumpled from tossing and turning earlier. What he needed most was to be back home resting or taking me into his arms, both of us savoring each other’s company, finding comfort from a tough situation.
Instead, he was here—agony blazing in his eyes as if somehow it would explain the bombshell he planned on dropping.
“Then why do it?” Just because I knew the words that were coming didn’t mean I would make this any easier on him. Apparently he’d expected me to do so because my response made him frown. His hand shook as he lifted it to rub his jaw.
“Let me get this out . . . please.” It was painful watching this otherwise confident man scramble to find his courage. It was on the tip of my tongue to start the discussion—to confront the giant elephant in the room he’d brought with him.
Instead I nodded and took a seat. If this was what he wanted, he’d need to work for it.
“I once thought my heart would forever remain broken. Actually, I didn’t give a shit about it healing. The more pain each beat inflicted, the more it felt justified. But you . . . you came along and began piecing it together again. Damn you, Caylee. Why did you have to make me feel?”
Just like that, I was standing again. “You act as if we were the worst thing in the world to happen, that loving me has made you somehow weaker. How can you stand there and, not just lie to me, but lie to yourself?” The longer I stood here listening to the bullshit excuses spewing out of his mouth, the more frustrated I became. There was no way I would let him justify away what we meant to each other.
“I’ve never been more honest in my life, sweetheart.” It was hard not cringe over the term of endearment I’d grown to cherish, especially now. It didn’t hold the same meaning. “I just don’t want to lose you.”
Round and around his words swirled in my head. “So why are you trying to push me away? You’re making no sense.”
“I’m making perfect sense,” he fired back, stubbornly.
I refused to cry, even though each breath I took threatened to burst the dam holding back my tears. There was enough emotion there to drown us both. He didn’t speak again. I finally snapped. Not with the guttural sob I knew would eventually come, but with anger.
“I’ve already had to be told I lost the love of my life once before, Cooper Hensley. I don’t care how hard this has been for you. Don’t you dare force me to endure that heartache again. Do you hear me?” I pummeled my hands hard against his chest, feeling a small twinge of satisfaction when he flinched. “Don’t you fucking dare!”
“It was wrong of me to think I could keep you, that my past wouldn’t stay there and not come between us. But I can see now that I was a fool. You can’t ever be with me, Caylee. Can’t you see that now? You say that you love me and that we can get through this, but that’s the problem. We can’t. Not now, not after this.”
“They’re just bruises, Cooper. They’ll fade. You didn’t mean it. I knew better and I ignored it.”
“What will it take to prove to you I was right all along? If you won’t pay attention to bruises, how about the next time I get triggered, wake up wrong and bones get broken? Or worse?”
“There won’t be a next time,” I whispered, the sound of my heart breaking into a million fractures echoing in each syllable.
“There will always be a next time. Don’t you get that?” Before I could answer him, Cooper kept ranting. “Actually, you’re right. That is one thing we can agree on. This won’t happen again. I won’t allow it. I refuse to hurt you worse than I already have.”
“You’re hurting me right now! Please, we can work something out!”
“Is that how you want our relationship to be? A series of moments where you can’t quite be sure I won’t snap and fly off the deep end?”
“You were in the middle of a nightmare. I knew the risk. I knew you’d been triggered. All I wanted was to comfort you. You kept calling for me.”
“So you’re willing to sacrifice yourself . . . purposely put yourself in danger because what? You went in warned? Are you even listening to yourself, Caylee?”
“I love you, Cooper. I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be. That’s the point.” His fingers dragged through his already messy hair as he began pacing back and forth. “I love you, too, sweetheart.” Any other time those three words would’ve made me feel like dancing, but now, they felt empty in my ears. My throat restricted. “And that’s why I won’t sacrifice that. I want it all with you, Caylee Sawyer, or nothing at all. I can’t accept anything less and frankly, you shouldn’t either.”
“Then why do you keep trying to convince me that we shouldn’t be together? Why our relationship and the happiness we feel is impossible to hold on to? We don’t have to sleep in the same bed. We don’t have to be in the same room again when you have an episode!” I blurted out, instantly regretting it when he stopped moving. He stared at me as hurt crashed over his features. In my attempt to understand where he was coming from, I’d thrown everything at him—the fact that he always hesitated about falling asleep together, adamant that snuggling afterwards could lead to tragedy.
I’d misunderstood.
“Is that what you think? That I’m using that as a reason? Because we can’t be like normal couples and spoon?”
My mouth opened, but nothing came out. He was right, in my zeal to get him to see things my way, I’d misjudged his intentions.
“Maybe you never really knew me then.”
“Maybe that’s because, despite everything, you still withheld a small piece of yourself . . . shielding me from the darkness you believe lurks there.” Growing up my father always teased me that one day my temper would get in the way of things and he was right. Once again, I said the wrong thing. I was losing him.
“And with good cause.” Backing away, he refused t
o let me touch him. Cooper stalked to the door and opened it, calling for his brother. Bryce exited first. “This is for your own good and, one day, you’ll thank me for it.”
“If you walk out on me now, don’t ever come back.” The threat felt bitter in my mouth. While my words were filled with hurt and anger, my heart and soul wept.
“Then this is goodbye. Take care, Caylee.”
I didn’t race after him. If he hadn’t listened to what I’d already said, then there was no changing his mind.
I guess his demons were louder.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Cooper
Three weeks later . . .
Sweat dripped down my face as I wrenched myself from the new nightmare plaguing me. This one was more horrifying than any I’d experienced, leaving my heart racing and my hands fisted in my bed sheets.
There was nothing I could do to stop it—no remedy available or quick fix. Every night was the same and each image was slowly ravaging my thin grasp of control.
I was being tortured in my sleep. Not by Owen and what had happened all those years ago. There were no images of explosions, no sounds of bullets zinging through the air, or of blood pumping out of dying bodies.
No. My torment came in the form of a soft, silken body tangled with mine.
Caylee.
She remained lodged deep beneath my skin and there was no removing her. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw her. Felt her. Tasted her. It happened over and over again until I woke up in a frenzy of desire, pain, and guilt.
I shouldn’t have let her go. But what choice did I have?
In the dream, there had been a smile on my face, her small, lithe body pressed against mine as I cradled her in my arms. It had felt perfect, like she was meant to be there, and it had all seemed so natural as her blonde hair fanned across my chest. Even now, I could still remember the scent on her skin, the smell of sex in the air—us. There was the urge to quickly leave before she realized I had walked away, but it was faint in my mind. There had been a stronger prompting, one that whispered to simply lie there and enjoy the moment, to soak up the blessed seconds of bliss she brought into my life.
Each day, I had chased that silence in my soul where my grief and regret couldn’t touch me. It came from closing myself off to the world and drowning the noise in whatever it took to numb my senses. Before Caylee, I’d be reaching for the nearest drink, painstakingly distancing myself from my memories of Owen and that day in Afghanistan.
But I wasn’t craving alcohol right now. What I wanted was her.
It was because of the woman I once held in my arms that I didn’t automatically reach for the nearest bottle. She’d done something, altered me. The walls I used to build around me had crumbled and it terrified me.
There’d been no other way to escape. I had to hurt her, acting as if walking away was the only option to protect her—even as it destroyed me inside doing it. She’d gotten too close too soon and I wasn’t prepared for how vulnerable it made me.
Made her.
I shouldn’t have let her in. I shouldn’t have played with fire. I knew better.
You shouldn’t have pushed her away. She was good for you, I thought, my inner voice betraying me.
I had to let her go. I had to make it where she wouldn’t follow.
Taking in a deep breath, I desperately tried to quell the fire burning through me. It was the same every day since I’d left her standing there as tears ran down her face. My only hope was sooner or later, I would gradually forget how her touch felt and the way my name sounded on her lips. Those erotic noises and the way her laughter seemed to touch my soul.
“You will master this,” I exclaimed, annoyed that I’d allowed my emotions to control me again. “She is nothing . . . a passing fancy . . . an itch that you scratched.”
It’s funny how often I lied to myself to keep breathing.
****
Two weeks later . . .
“It’s going to be another packed night,” Marty said, looking out across the bar. I didn’t doubt him either. Word had been progressively spreading about the band and each place we played, there was standing room only. Rumor even circulated that talent scouts from record labels were interested in Damaged Souls. The rest of the boys were excited at their chance for fame. Me? I was fine with going with the flow.
“You know what they say about a full audience, right?” I winked at him, grabbing my glass from the booth table.
“What?”
“Women!” Saluting Marty, I downed the contents in one mouthful, appreciating the way it burned a trail to my stomach. I already had a buzz going and before the night was over, I’d be in the zone. I ignored the nagging thought that each night it took longer and longer to reach that happy place in my head. I was doing a lot of denying these days.
“I’m not going to lie, mate, I was hoping you’d come to your senses and crawl back to Caylee on bended knee, begging for forgiveness.” Marty slapped my shoulder once and then gave it a squeeze. “I mean, unless you’re happier now, then I’m still your wing man but . . .”
He stopped mid-sentence when I glared at him. “While there’s still a willing female out there, I’m going to keep playing the field. I wasn’t born to be tied down to one person.” When Caylee’s image surfaced in my mind, I went to take another drink and realized the glass was empty. Just when I thought I was free from her, there she was—always in the back of my memories waiting.
“Fuck, I need something to drink,” I murmured to no one in particular. My resolve to remain sober hadn’t lasted long. When I couldn’t escape the dreams, I’d dived straight back into drinking—my old, familiar friend.
“Well, ask and you shall receive, bro.” Sure enough, two young brunettes were heading over to us with shot glasses in their hands. It was becoming a common occurrence. All we had to do was sit out front before the show started and eager fans would swarm. A wink here, a thank you there, and our beds would be warmed after hours. The lifestyle never got old and even after my brief trip to the bittersweet town of Commitment, things picked back up like old times.
It was only Marty who didn’t partake now, his heart pretty much tied to Rebecca. After dodging my foul temper those first two weeks, he’d learned the best way to avoid me snapping his head off was to keep any gossip about his girlfriend and Caylee to the minimum.
I was actually surprised he’d brought her up tonight. It never ended well when he did.
For the hundredth time my gaze scanned the bar, always looking—waiting.
Pity, the one you want isn’t here.
I ignored the voice and flipped the switch in my head. Caylee faded away into the background where I squashed the reminder under a ton of denial.
“Excuse me? Can we join you?” The pretty young thing was obviously the more brazen of the two. “We bought you both something.” She flashed a smile as she raised the two drinks in front of her.
“I’m sure we have some time.” I grinned, patting the space beside me. “Definitely for beautiful girls like you.”
Marty threw me a questioning look. He might be loyal to Rebecca, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t play the game. I felt a fleeting ripple of remorse when one of the women glanced his way—hope plastered across her face. Whatever thoughts flittered through the brunette’s head would lead to disappointment because there was no way she was getting any kind of attention from Marty. She’d have more luck giving a blowjob to the empty beer bottle on the table.
Not interested in flirting back and forth, I was ready to cut to the chase. Pointing to the timid friend behind the spokesperson, I crooked my finger and gave her the sexiest smile I could muster. “Why don’t you come sit on my lap, darling? Keep me company.”
Her face flushed with excitement and I chuckled softly over how easy this was. A few choice phrases, well-placed touches, and an attentive nod and this one would be writhing beneath me before the night was over. There was no more thrill in the chase. It wasn’t even a challenge.
She tentatively sat on my knee and squeaked with surprise when I slid her fully into my lap. With my hand resting firmly on her upper thigh, my thumb brushed back and forth over her bare skin. So easy.
“So, what’s your name?” I asked, noticing Marty was already engrossed in a conversation with the other friend—successfully keeping her at arm’s length despite her best efforts. Not wanting to be distracted from my own treat, I focused all my attention back to the girl in front of me.
“It’s Sally,” she answered breathlessly, her eyes darting back and forth between my face and my hand that slipped a little higher on her thigh.
“I’m Cooper.” Holding onto her, I leaned forward for the drinks the two had placed on the table. “Thanks for this. You read my mind.” I licked my lips briefly before emptying the contents of the glass into my mouth. Tequila wasn’t always my first choice but right now, I wasn’t picky.
“I aim to please.” Sally giggled, her hands fidgeting in her lap like she didn’t know what to do with them. It made me wonder if she’d thought this through or whether she’d simply followed her friend’s plan to meet the band. Either way, she was mine for the next little while and the perfect distraction.
“I bet you do,” I teased, letting my finger trail up and down her leg. She let out a small sigh. “Can you guess what I’m thinking now?” The hand I had resting at her hip to keep her from falling slid up her body, brushing her shoulder-length hair away from her neck.
“Ummm,” she stammered. She chewed on her bottom lip and for a second, it reminded me of someone else.
Sitting straighter, I leaned close enough to whisper into Sally’s ear. “Want a hint?” Nodding, she squirmed on my lap, causing my groin to throb with anticipation. Seduction shouldn’t be this easy. “I’m thinking about all the amazing things that mouth of yours can do. And what mine will . . .”
Sally’s eyes grew wide and I waited for it all to sink in. She didn’t believe me, possibly wondering why, out of all the women there, I’d just promised to turn her world upside down and inside out. What I didn’t tell her was it could’ve been anyone. She was simply the first one to approach.
Bittersweet Symphony (The Damaged Souls series Book 2) Page 26
