“Your feet are going to be killing you,” I say, and her shoulders rise.
“Temp is like a foot and a half taller than me. I don’t want him to have to bend over to talk to me,” she says, and now she’s wringing her hands.
“Lindy,” I say, grabbing them as I step in front of her. “Calm down; it’s just Temp.”
“I really want Johnny to like me,” she says, closing her eyes.
“Johnny?”
The lines moves, and she takes the opportunity to skirt around the subject, stepping forward and handing the guy at the door our money. Once inside she stops mid-step, and I ram into her.
“Lindy?” I ask, and her chin juts out as she takes in the place. It’s swimming with girls, some preppy and completely out of place as they chat with their friends, looking as nervous as she does and others like me, who seem like they know the scene like the back of their hand. Luckily, Lindy’s with me. I weave my fingers into hers and nod towards a free space off to the side.
“We’re not going to go right up front?” she asks as we weave through the throng.
I shake my head. “Not unless you want to get killed.”
Lindy scoots in beside me, and the guys head onto the stage. Kellin finds me immediately and shoots me one of those killer smiles that earns me daggers from more than one girl in the room. I’m used to it by now, but Lindy isn’t.
“Wow,” she breathes out. “Every girl wants to be you in this room.”
I laugh, nodding to the stage where Temp is smirking over at us. He winks at Lindy.
“Correction,” I say. “They want to be us.“
I glance over, and Lindy pulls her lower lip into her mouth with her teeth as she eyes Temp.
“So explain why you called him Johnny,” I ask, nudging her in the ribs as she drools over him tuning his guitar.
She shrugs. “We may have been talking a lot over text.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. “Really? I thought you didn’t want to get a tattoo.”
She wiggles her eyebrows at me. “I said I was interested in tattoos — I just haven’t committed to getting one, and the conversation has since moved on.”
“Interested in a tattoo?” I say.
“I am interested in tattoos — his,” she says, and I roll my eyes. “So did Kellin tell you about Fallout?”
“Fallout?” I repeat as the crowd quiets and Kellin steps up to the microphone.
“Yeah, the record label,” Lindy says, moving closer to me as guys from the crowd and a few stupid girls push to the front.
My mouth drops. “Fallout Records offered them a deal?”
Lindy nods. “Same label Kill Me Softly is on.”
“Kellin told me about Jace Smith, but he’s not with Fallout anymore,” I reply, and Lindy shrugs. She hasn’t the foggiest idea who Jace Smith is.
I swallow hard.
“It’s an incredible opportunity for them,” Lindy says as Kellin clears his throat.
My body feels numb as I look up at the stage and the way the crowd seems to writhe with excitement as the music begins. My eyes are blurry as I stare at the stage.
“Do you really want to date a traveling musician?” I manage to say.
“What?” Lindy yells over Schmidt’s screaming.
“Do you really want to date a musician?”
Lindy shrugs. “You are, besides, it’s the chance of a lifetime — and it probably won’t last forever, maybe it’s a good thing for them.”
Redemption Records is one thing. Jace doesn’t have much to offer Kellin and the guys. Fallout Records is a major label with pop-punk bands like Kill Me Softly and bands more like Kellin’s that mix alternative rock with heavy riffs and screaming. They’re large enough to have that variety. Large enough to offer Kellin and the guys a deal that’s too good to be true. I watch the show in a fog, and when the lights go up Lindy is the one who’s yanking me towards the stage.
“I didn’t mind that,” she says to me as she looks over her shoulder. “You okay?”
I nod, but I’m not sure. If the guys were pushing for Jace’s offer, I can only imagine what they’re doing about Fallout’s. When we reach the stage, Kellin pulls me into his arms, giving me a quick kiss before looking down at me.
“You’re pale,” he says, and I plaster on a fake smile.
“Oh, thanks,” I reply with a hint of sarcasm. My stomach turns as Kellin and me move towards the guys.
Lindy is already standing closely to Temp, and his eyes twinkle as he looks down at her. He moves a little bit closer, and I watch as his hand slips into her back pocket. She laughs at what he’s saying.
“What’s so funny?” Kellin asks.
“We were just talking about how Lindy tried to convince me she needed my number because she wanted a tattoo,” Temp replies, and Kellin’s head jerks back.
His eyes drop to where Temp’s hand is and his muscles tense as he shakes his head.
“What’s she up to?” Kellin whispers to me.
“She likes him,” I reply, and he inhales through his nose.
“I don’t want to have to kick his ass,” Kellin says, and I roll my eyes. “If he hurts her…”
“Lindy can handle herself,” I remind him, and he closes his eyes before nodding.
“So have you made a decision about Fallout?” Lindy asks, and I glance over at Kellin as my breath catches in my throat.
The color has drained from his face, and his eyes are on his feet.
Schmidt chuckles, and it’s reminiscent of his deep growl while he’s screaming on stage. “We can’t seem to reach a mutual decision.”
“What’s the offer?” I ask, and Kellin shifts next to me.
“We’ll get an excellent signing bonus, and our first tour would start after Kell graduates this fall. It’s with Makeshift Chemistry,” Temp replies. “Plus, pretty decent royalties and they help us find a band manager, although, I think with Kell’s business background he could do it.”
I bite my lip, giving Temp a weak smile before looking at Kellin.
“Sounds like the chance of a lifetime,” I say, and I see Lindy nod from the corner of my vision.
“It’s not going to be easy to be away,” Temp replies, smirking down at Lindy and she returns the look.
“You want to get going?” Kellin asks, leaning over to whisper in my ear.
“Lind, can Temp give you a ride home?” I ask, and Kellin’s hand goes tight against my waist. I glance over at him with an eyebrow up, and he looks away, over at the thinning crowd.
“It’d be my pleasure,” Temp replies and Lindy blushes.
Kellin pulls away from me and nods towards the back at Temp.
“I’ll be right back,” Temp says to Lindy, and she comes over to me.
“Kellin doesn’t seem too happy,” she says, and her shoulders slouch. “Do you think he’s going to tell Johnny to stay away from me?”
I laugh. “I’m pretty sure he’s already fallen head over heels for you, so good luck if he tries that.”
“You think he likes me?” she asks, and her eyes race back and forth over mine.
“Positive,” I reply, and a nervous smile comes to her lips.
“I really like him,” she says.
“I can tell.” I bump shoulders with her, and she relaxes a little bit.
“I don’t think Kellin appreciated me bringing up the whole Fallout thing,” she says as she looks to where the guys all disappeared.
“Probably because he hadn’t said anything to me about it yet,” I reply. “He told me about being approached by a smaller label, but he didn’t seem to want to go.”
“And now?” Lindy asks.
“I think he’s afraid to tell me he does.”
Chapter 26
Kellin and I drive home in silence. His knuckles shine white against the night surrounding us in the car, and my chest aches from how tight it is. I know I should say something about the record deal, but the thought of it makes my head hammer. I realize it’s
completely selfish to want to keep him close to me, but that doesn’t stop the fear working its way through my body that he’s going to leave. My jaw tightens as I think about what a record deal would mean for Kellin. I’ll be the girl in the background again while tons of girls are throwing themselves at him, but instead of me being around, I’ll be here in Mass while he’s traveling the country.
I won’t be around to remind him that he’s taken.
Bile rises my throat. I trust Kellin — the real Kellin. It’s the rock star facade he puts on that makes me worry. What if that’s what Fallout wants? A sex icon with no strings attached. I crush my eyes shut. There are bands on the Fallout with members that are married. Half of Kill Me Softly is attached, and everyone in Makeshift Chemistry and Fade Burn are.
How do their girlfriends do it?
My stomach clenches with guilt.
They trust the person they love.
Kellin pulls the truck into the driveway, but we both sit frozen in our seats. He leans forward, putting his forehead against the steering wheel.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. When I found out I was shocked. Redemption Records is one thing…” his voice trails off and I fill in the blank.
“Fallout is an entirely different beast, though.”
Kellin lifts his head and nods.
“You want to do it, don’t you?” I ask, and my breath catches in my throat as I watch his eyes drop.
He does.
He looks up at the house, and his body stiffens. “Doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t do it.”
“Why not? And don’t say me. I don’t want to hold you back,” I reply, scooting over in the seat and putting my head on his shoulder. No matter how much my heart says to tell him to stay, I just can’t. His body relaxes as I run my fingers over the tattoos on his forearm.
“I can’t hide who I am from my parents if I do it. They’ll want to hear some songs… and they’ll see pictures of me…” Kellin’s voice drifts off, and I use my hand to turn his face to mine, leaning our foreheads together.
“Then stop hiding,” I say.
“I don’t know how to, Ree. I feel like somewhere along the way I split into two people, and I don’t know how to mend them back together,” he replies, and my body goes cold.
A part of me knows what he means, but he helped me to realize who I was and I’m determined to help him do the same thing, no matter the cost. I don’t want him to be ashamed anymore.
“I know exactly who you are, Kellin. You have a strong heart and would do anything for your family and his friends, including pretend to be someone you’re not,” I say, holding his face in my hands. “The person you are is the person I fell in love with. Tattoos don’t change that — music doesn’t change it either. You’re you.”
Kellin’s eyes race over my face before he looks away. “I can’t do it, Ree. I can’t face their disappointment.”
“Disappointment for what? There’s nothing wrong with who you are or the fact you want to live out a dream you’ve kept suppressed even from me,” I say, and he shakes his head.
“I kept it suppressed from myself,” Kellin says. “I didn’t realize I wanted it until the second we turned down Redepemtion. I immediately regretted it, and then this comes along…and it’s so much better.”
“Then do it. What do you have to lose?” I ask, and his eyes darken.
He swallows hard. “My family.”
“Kellin, you won’t lose them. They didn’t mind my purple hair,” I reply, tossing my hair over my shoulder. It earns me a smile, but it doesn’t last.
He shakes his head, exhaling through his nose. “I can’t.”
Before I can reply, Kellin gets out of the truck and leaves me staring at his back. When Lindy comes home, I’m watching a cooking show on the TV with the same blank stare I had as I stared at Kellin’s back. He hasn’t come out of his bedroom, and I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know there’s anything I can say to him.
But there’s something I can do. My jaw clenches as the thought races through my mind. I have no idea how Kellin will react, or if he’ll ever forgive me.
“Earth to Zombie Reese,” Lindy says as she sits down next to me.
I turn to her, and the thought I’ve been fighting tumbles out of my mouth. “We have to get your parents to one of the band’s shows.”
Lindy shakes her head slowly. “No, no we don’t, Reese. I thought the blank look meant you were tired not that actual zombies robbed you of your brain. He’ll never forgive you.”
She confirms my fears, and I take a shaky breath.
“And I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t,” I say.
“Why?” she asks.
“He’s going to turn down the record deal because he’s afraid of what your parents will think,” I reply. “He wants to do this, Lind. I can see it in his eyes.”
“But it’s his choice, Reese. Kellin’s stubborn, and he’s always made his own decisions. He won’t appreciate that you decided to make this one for him,” Lindy says, and she sighs as she looks at the ceiling. “You’re not going to change your mind, are you?”
“You said it, Lindy. This is an amazing chance for them — all of them.”
“And you’re willing to sacrifice your relationship with him?”
“I’ve always felt like I was walking in someone else’s life…just stumbling along, but with Kellin, it’s never been like that. I’ve always felt like me. I know what it’s like to hide, and I know what it feels like to just be yourself. I want Kellin to have that, especially if that means he doesn’t give up on an opportunity he wants.”
“But you don’t want him to leave, do you?” Lindy asks.
“No, but I don’t I want to hold him back,” I close my eyes, inhaling through my nose.
“By not doing this, you’re not keeping him here. He’s a big boy, Reese. You don’t need to do this for him,” she says, and I open my eyes. She heaves a sigh at my look of determination. “Fine. Do it, but I’m not going to be involved.”
She gets up.
“Lindy?” I say, and she turns.
“Will you help put me back together?”
Lindy nods. “Always.”
Chapter 27
I pace back and forth in the front of the house as I wait for Kellin’s parents to pick me up. My stomach turns as their red Volvo pulls into the driveway. Most of me feels like this is the right thing to do, while another part of me feels like it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Somehow I make my feet move and climb into the back of the car.
“Hi Reese, how are you doing?” Jim asks, looking at me as he turns to back out.
I inhale through my nose and the air sticks in my throat as I manage to nod. I realize I haven’t answered. “Good.”
We sit in silence as we head to the venue, and I tap my fingers against my thighs.
Finally, Clary looks over at me and smiles. “This is exciting. We haven’t seen Kellin perform in ages.”
I swallow hard. “It’s probably a bit different than you remember.”
“I’m guessing he moved away from pop and is doing something like rock now?” Jim asks, and I nod as we pull up to the packed venue.
“Something like that,” I reply.
“Wow,” Clary says as she gets out of the car. “This place is packed.”
For the first time in hours, a smile comes to my face. “The band is really popular.”
“How long have they been doing this?” Clary asks as we stand in line.
“Since Kellin’s junior year,” I reply, and I glance at them out of the corner of my eyes to gauge their response. Clary’s shoulders slump and I realize she’s upset they didn’t know. “I found out by accident. He kept it pretty secretive.”
“Ah,” his mom replies, and it seems to help a little bit.
“Speaking of which,” I say as we reach the door. “Kellin doesn’t know I invited you. The band was offered a record deal, and they were going to turn it down because he didn
’t want to disappoint you.”
Jim’s eyebrows go up. “Why would we be disappointed?”
We enter the crowded venue, and I pull my lip into my mouth as my heart hammers in my chest. We’re just in time, and Kellin’s band is already on stage.
“Reese?” Jim asks.
“Because it’s rock,” I reply.
“I like rock,” Clary says, smiling at me and all I can do is nod.
My heart seems to stop as Kellin’s eyes rise to meet mine and then drift to his parents standing next to me. The soft smile vanishes from his face as he looks from me to them with panic lacing his features as his brow furrows in disbelief. He shakes his head at me, swallowing as he places his hands on the microphone and lowers his forehead to it. When the music begins to play, he sways with it. He lifts his head with eyes still shut as he starts to sing. He drops one of his hands, moving it with the intensity of the song. As he opens his eyes he stares up at the ceiling. He pauses pulling back and turning away from the crowd as he plays the guitar and Schmidt begins to scream the chorus. The crowd breaks out, moving against itself, pushing forward and falling backward as they rise, jumping and battering one another against the sound of Schmidt’s voice.
Kellin turns back, and his eyes are fierce as he grabs the microphone with both hands and sings. The lyrics quicken and then his eyes close, his voice breaking, cracking into a scream that makes me lose control of my senses. I knew this would hurt, but I’m not prepared for the way he’s looking at me.
The pain sears through me as the scream dissipates into the soft melody of his voice, but I’m already pushing my way through the crowd. It doesn’t matter that I receive an elbow to my ribs; it doesn’t matter that I’m punching my way through the idiots that don’t care about the music, but just the scene. None of it matters. I can’t see Kellin through the sea of bodies swimming around me anymore, but I can hear him, and that’s more than enough. His voice sinks into every inch of me, catching my nerves on fire and sending them tingling with pain. I keep pushing, my hands over my face as I block the fists and elbows being thrown at me and finally, break to the front. Kellin’s voice goes into a scream again, and I cringe at the sound of it. It’s perfect in its pain–in the betrayal that lays beneath the anger. Kellin drops his head as the song ends, and his hands are still on the microphone. His eyes lift slightly, and his brows furrow as he sees me in the front of the crowd. He shakes his head as the next song begins with Schmidt screaming and the throng of bodies attempts to pull me into it. I receive a knee in the back and shut my eyes against the pain, and my body bends with it. When I look up Kellin’s swinging his guitar behind him as he jumps off the stage.
Rebel Cause (Boys of Fallout Book 3) Page 13
