“My eye roll is totally involuntary. I have no control over what they do.”
“You have control over everything you do. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.”
I stopped in the middle of my push-up and stood.
“You’re not done. What are you doing?”
“You said I have control over everything I do.” I put my hands on my hips. “I’m not doing another push-up.”
He stared back at me, with a slow smile creeping across his face. “Okay. You win.”
I grinned triumphantly.
“Don’t get too ahead of yourself. You still have to follow my rules.”
I raised my fists up near my nose. “Let’s go.”
For the next hour, we circled each other in the ring. We fell into our rhythm, like we were long-time dance partners. My body anticipated his movements, and reacted to them accordingly. My energy was calm, and my mind was focused; I thought about nothing more than throwing my next punch.
I had now trained with T.J. for a week. Every day had felt like Groundhog’s Day: work, train, sleep, and repeat. Though it was monotonous, the routine was healthy for me. Training with T.J. was therapeutic. We had bonded on a level that I had never bonded with anyone else; he was the first person I knew who had suffered in life the way I had. I understood him, and he understood me.
“Hey, T.J.!” someone called, braking my concentration. “Where do you want these?” Two men were carrying a long table through the front doors of the gym.
“Right over there by the front desk,” T.J. called. “Sorry,” he said turning back to me. “I lost track of time.”
“What are those for?” I asked.
“I’m having an open house tonight. Anybody that is interested in joining can come check the gym out, and meet our trainers. I invite other vendors from the area to come promote their businesses; that brings more potential customers that wouldn’t normally be here. There will be food and music. It’s a good time. You should come.”
“Can I bring my friend?”
“Of course. It’s from seven to ten.”
“Okay. I’ll be back.”
Once I was inside my car, I hit Shelly’s name on my phone.
“Finally! I’m withering away to nothing over here!”
“Why couldn’t you just eat a snack while you were waiting for me?”
“I’m so weak from hunger, I couldn’t get off the couch.”
I rolled my eyes. “Dinner’s at seven. I’ll be at your place by 6:45. Dress casual.”
“Oh!” she exclaimed. “We’re going on a date!”
I laughed. “Goodbye.”
After a quick shower, I threw on jeans and a light sweater. The end-of-April weather was finally warming up, and I was grateful to slip into my flats instead of boots. I missed the California sunshine and perfect temperatures; I missed Chase even more. I checked my phone while I waited for Shelly to come out of her apartment. No new messages or calls.
Shelly emerged from her apartment with a big smile, excited to begin our night. Her red hair bounced around her shoulders as she skipped to the car. “Where are we going?”
“T.J. is having an open house tonight. He said there will be food and music. I figured we could eat for free.”
“In the gym?” she crinkled her nose.
“Yeah. It seems like a big event. He was setting up when I left earlier.”
“Will there be shirtless, muscular fighters there?”
“I don’t know if they will be shirtless, but there should be plenty of muscles.”
“I suppose that will have to do.” She checked her makeup in the visor mirror.
“How’s everything with you and Brody?”
“Fine,” she sighed.
I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. “Want to try that once more, with feeling?”
“Can we just discuss it later?”
“Sure.” I wondered what was going on between the lifelong lovebirds. I pulled into my usual spot in front of the gym. Red and black balloons were now tied to the door handle, and I could see how crowded it was through the glass windows.
Inside, a DJ was spinning current dance songs in the middle of the ring. Trays of food lined the wall to the right; vendors from the neighborhood were at their booths to the left.
“It’s huge in here!” Shelly said. “It doesn’t look this big from outside.”
“I know.” I scanned the room for T.J., but could not find him.
Shelly made a beeline for the food line, and handed me a plate. “I wonder where the food is from.”
“I would assume somewhere nearby. It looks great.” We piled out plates high with chicken, pasta, and vegetables, and stood over to the side.
Shelly grabbed my arm. “Holy hotness. Look at him!”
When I turned my head in the direction of Shelly’s gaze, I smiled. T.J. was walking towards us from the far side of the gym. His red baseball cap was on backwards, and he was wearing his usual black t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, exposing his tattoos and shredded obliques.
“That’s T.J.”
Shelly’s mouth dropped open as she looked at me. “That is T.J.? That is the guy you’ve been training with for the past week?” She looked back at him, and then at me. “He is gorgeous!”
I looked down at my plate of food. “Stop making it so obvious that you’re staring at him.”
“I’m not.”
“Your eyes are so wide, they might pop out of your head, and I could use a shovel to scrape your jaw up off the floor. You’re right – totally discreet.”
“Is he walking in slow motion, or is it just me?” Shelly whispered, as T.J. walked within earshot.
“I think your brain is in slow motion,” I muttered.
Shelly burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” T.J. asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“Why don’t you ask Shelly?” I gestured to my left with an innocent smile.
“Hi, Shelly.” T.J. extended his hand for a shake.
“Hi, Shelly. I’m T.J.,” Shelly said. “I mean… Shelly. I’m Shelly. You’re T.J. But you know that. Of course you know that. It’s your name.” She laughed nervously, and I watched her cheeks turn the same color as her hair.
“We don’t let her out much,” I joked, leaning in.
T.J. grinned. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Shelly.” He turned his attention to me. “I’m glad you came.”
“The place looks great. There’s so many people here.”
He nodded proudly.
Suddenly, I heard a high-pitched squeal. “Merry!”
A tiny human was running at me, full-speed. Tanner was not far behind, walking towards us with his usual strut.
“Khloe!” I exclaimed. I handed Shelly my plate, and scooped her up as she crashed into me. “What are you doing here?”
“Tanner said I could hit the punching bags if I was a good listener.” Her eyes were wide with excitement as she pointed to the bags across the gym.
“Who is this adorable young lady?” T.J. asked, amused.
“This is Khloe. She’s Chase’s little sister.” I gestured to Tanner. “Tanner’s sister, too.”
T.J. stuck his hand out for Khloe to shake. “It’s so nice to meet you, Khloe.”
Her hand looked even tinier than usual inside of his. She wrapped her arms around my neck after shaking his hand. “I missed you so much, Merry. Mommy said I had to give you some space until you were feeling better. Were you frowing up?”
“I was sick, but I’m feeling much better now.”
“Yay! Can we have pancakes tomorrow?”
“I have to work in the morning, but we can absolutely have pancakes on Sunday.”
“Merry lets me help her make pancakes,” Khloe said to T.J. matter-of-factly.
“I bet you make the best pancakes.” His eyes sparkled as he looked at her with his huge smile. Khloe had the ability to make everyone happy.
Tanner held
out his arms and took her from me. “Let’s go hit the bags. Let Merry finish eating.”
She waved feverishly. “Bye, Merry! See you later!”
“That is one adorable kid,” said T.J. “She loves you.”
“Merritt has that effect on people.” Shelly wrapped her arm around my hips.
“I don’t doubt that,” he said with a wink. “If you ladies will excuse me, I am going to make my rounds and say hello to everyone. There are some tables over there,” he pointed. “You don’t have to stand while you eat.”
“Thanks.” I tugged on Shelly’s elbow. “Let’s go sit.”
“I cannot believe I sounded like such an idiot!” Shelly whined when she plopped into a chair.
I shook my head. “I can’t believe it either. I’ve never seen you get like that before.”
“I’ve never been in the presence of such a beautiful man! How do you even concentrate when you’re training?” Her eyes widened. “Have you seen him without a shirt on?”
I laughed. “Yes, I have. He’s good-looking, but that’s not what I’m focused on while I’m throwing punches.”
“I’d let him throw me around that ring any day,” she murmured, her eyes following him through the gym.
“Okay, spill. What is happening with you and Brody?”
She shrugged, suddenly at a loss for words. “It’s nothing.”
“If you guys break up, I don’t think I can handle it. My mental stability relies on the two of you, so you better work your shit out.”
“We’ve just been together forever. What if he’s not who I am supposed to end up with? What if I never know what else is out there? How can I be sure if I’ve never dated anyone else?”
“Where is this coming from, all of a sudden?”
She pushed her vegetables around in her plate. “He keeps talking about getting engaged after graduation.”
“Shelly, that’s great!”
“I don’t know. I feel like we’re too young to be engaged.”
“Says who? Society? If you love each other, and you want to spend the rest of your lives together, who cares if you’re young?”
She shifted her gaze as she took her last sip of water.
“I’ll get us more water, and a few of those chocolate chip cookies. We will talk through this, and you will feel better.”
She nodded. “Maybe a slice of that cake will help, too.”
“You got it.” I made my way to the dessert tables, deep in thought about what to say to Shelly when I returned. It was unlike her to imagine a life without Brody in it. They had been inseparable since they were ten.
“Leave some dessert for everyone else,” T.J. said from behind me.
“Shelly’s having a boy emergency. This is the standard amount of sugar that’s needed for these types of things.”
“And how’s everything going for you with California?”
“Fine, I guess. We don’t really talk much. He’s so busy all the time.”
“I’m still so surprised to hear that you’re with a guy like that.”
I raised an eyebrow and turned to face him. “A guy like what?”
“I didn’t expect you to be with the all-American, Mr. Perfect type.”
I half-laughed. “I don’t know if I should be offended right now.”
“I just meant that you seem like you’d go for someone with a little more…” he trailed off while he searched his mind for the right word. “Substance.”
“Chase has a lot of substance,” I defended. “I used to think the same way you did, but then I got to know him. He’s amazing.”
He raised his eyes to meet mine. “As long as you’re happy, and you’re getting treated right. That’s all that matters.”
“I am.”
“Long distance is hard. It takes a lot of dedication.”
“Well, I’m dedicated.” I shoved his shoulder playfully. “I’m here every night of the week with you, aren’t I?”
He laughed. “Okay. Go bring the cookies for your sugar emergency. We’ll continue this tomorrow.”
“Oh, goodie,” I rolled my eyes.
T.J. grinned. “I should make you drop and give me twenty.”
“But you won’t.” I smiled innocently over my shoulder as I walked back to Shelly. Tanner and Khloe had joined her in my absence. Khloe was resting her head on Tanner’s shoulder, which was the signal that she was getting sleepy.
“We’re going to hit the road,” Tanner said. “Squirt wanted to say goodnight to you first.”
I knelt down beside Tanner’s chair and stroked Khloe’s golden hair. Looking at her was like looking at a mini-sized Chase. It made my heart hurt.
“I’ll see you on Sunday for pancakes, okay angel girl?”
She nodded. “Can we make chocolate chip pancakes?”
“Of course we can.”
Tanner stood with her in his arms. She waved to us one last time before he carried her out the door.
“I wonder what your kid will look like. You’re so dark, and Chase is so light,” Shelly mused, resting her chin in her hand.
“Eat your cake, and tell me what has gotten into you.”
“I really don’t know. Everything going on with you and Chase lately really has me thinking.”
“About what?”
“About life. How are you and Chase going to make this work when you’re on opposite sides of the country? Is your relationship strong enough to withstand the distance? What if you guys grow apart? What if he meets someone else? What if you meet someone else? You know the saying: out of sight, out of mind.”
“Get to your point quickly, please,” I warned.
“When I think about your future, it makes me think about mine. Where will life take me? Where will it take Brody? We’ve always been in the same spot our entire lives. We’ve never had to go through any hardships. What if this isn’t it for us? What if we’re meant to be with other people?”
“You’ve been in love with each other since you were ten. There’s no one else in this world that you’re meant to be with. You’ve withstood the test of time, which is so hard to do. You’re perfect for each other.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know how much he loves you. I have watched it my entire life. He stood by you through everything with your dad, and he’s stood by me through everything with mine. He is the best person I know – nobody else out there could ever compare to Brody. I’ve seen how much you love him, too, Shell. You would be lost without him.”
Tears began to well up in her eyes. “Am I awful for thinking this way?”
“Not at all. It’s normal to wonder about all the what-ifs in life. It’s especially normal to worry when you’re nearing the end of college. It means that your childhood is officially over, and you have to be a grown-up. It’s terrifying.”
“All my life, I’ve never imagined being with anyone else. It’s always been Brody. Now, he’s talking about getting engaged, and taking the next step… what if I’m not ready to be married, yet?”
“You live together. What’s the difference if you have a ring on your finger? It’s all the same. Just with a different last name.”
“It’s just so… final.”
“Death is final. Marriage is reversible. But you don’t need to worry about that. If you’re truly not ready to get engaged, then tell Brody that. He’ll understand.”
“Will he, though? It’s part of our plan – we get engaged after we graduate.”
“You’re not graduating for another year. You have time. Maybe you will feel differently, then… and if you don’t, you adjust the plan.”
“I guess so.” Her eyes scanned the room, and settled upon T.J. “If things with Chase don’t work out in the end, you have to go for him.”
I laughed. “I’m still dumb enough to hope things work out with Chase.”
“Don’t call my best friend dumb.” She picked up a chocolate chip cookie for herself, and handed me another. “Whatever happens i
n our love lives, at least we have each other.”
I tapped my cookie against hers, and took a bite. “I’ll cheers to that.”
* * *
It felt odd, yet natural being at Chase’s house without Chase. I was comfortable there, but it felt like something was missing. It didn’t help to remember that Chase wasn’t the only one missing. I kissed my fingertips and placed them on Tim’s urn in the living room.
“Miss you,” I said softly.
“I’m ready!” Khloe called from upstairs.
I met her at the bottom of the staircase, and she took my hand to lead me into the kitchen.
Beverly, still in her Sunday morning robe, looked up from her pile of papers at the dining room table. “I left everything on the counter for you, Merritt.”
“Thank you,” I called back to her.
I lifted Khloe’s tiny body and sat her on the counter. “What would you like to be in charge of?”
“I want to crack the eggs, and I want to help flip the pancakes!”
I handed her two eggs, and slid the bowl across the countertop. “Get crackin’!”
She giggled as she tapped the egg against the bowl. I measured and poured the rest of the ingredients, and handed the whisk to Khloe when she had finished. We were a good team, and I could never feel anything but happy whenever I was around her.
“T.J. has so many tattoos,” she said while I poured the first pancake onto the griddle.
“He does. Do you like them?”
She scrunched her nose up. “I don’t know.”
“No is the correct answer,” Beverly called from the other room.
I stifled a smile. “Do you know how people get tattoos onto their skin?”
Khloe shook her head.
“They carve it on with a needle,” Tanner said, joining us in the kitchen.
Khloe’s eyes widened. “Doesn’t that hurt?”
“Yup.” He leaned on the counter next to us. “I think I’m going to get one later.”
I raised both eyebrows at him. “Of what?”
“I haven’t figured it out yet.”
“Oh, God. Tanner!” Beverly yelled. “Please don’t get something spur of the moment. It’s going to be on your body for the rest of your life.”
“Can I come with you?” I whispered.
Avoidance Page 14
