“I was in an accident that was worse!” I yelled, finally finding my anger. “You left, and Dad went off the deep end. I spent the rest of my childhood suffering because of you! Dad killed himself because of you! You might not have hurt me too badly in that accident years ago, but you still managed to cause the accident on the night of Dad’s funeral!”
“Merritt, I know you’re angry with me, and I understand all of the reasons why. But you need to see that you were the person who caused your accident. You were the one drinking, and you are at fault for that. It terrifies me to think that you’re making the same mistakes that I once did.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn’t have had to go through any of that if it weren’t for you leaving like a coward!”
“When I learned about your accident, and your father’s death, my heart broke into a million pieces. I never wanted anything to happen to the two of you. I thought I was protecting you by leaving. Then, I found out that you were drunk the night of the crash. Merritt, alcoholism is hereditary. It was passed on to me by my father, and I passed it on to you. I know you were drinking to numb the immense grief you were feeling. I know it because I’ve been there.”
Fire exploded in my eyes as I stood. “Don’t even begin to act like you understand what I went through! You weren’t there! You didn’t see the blood pouring out of his wrists! You didn’t see how pale his skin was when I found him! You didn’t see how the tub was permanently stained a deep red after that night! You weren’t there while I held him in my arms, waiting for the ambulance to come!” I choked back a sob. “You know what I told him? While he was lying there, in a pool of his own blood, I told him that I forgave him… that it was okay to let go – that I wouldn’t be angry with him.” I stormed to my front door, and swung it open wide. “I can tell you that I won’t be saying those same words to you. Now, please leave.”
She covered her mouth with her hand, muffling her sobs, while she stood. “Merritt, can we continue this another time?” She swung her jacket around her shoulders. “I know this is a lot to take in. Please don’t let this be the last time you talk to me.”
“Right now, I just need you to leave.”
She tried to reach her hand out for me, but I quickly backed away. She put her head down when she walked out the door, and I slammed it behind her. I paced around the living room, trying desperately to choke back the tears. It was no use. I collapsed onto the floor in the middle of my apartment, and let eight years’ worth of tears come out. Waves of emotion crashed into me, relentless and unyielding, as I sobbed harder than I ever had before.
The happy childhood I once thought I had was a lie. My mother was a functioning alcoholic who had been suffering since she gave birth to me. My father was in denial, which only perpetuated her secret. All of my fondest memories were now tainted by the truth.
After some time, I picked myself up and went to the bathroom to splash water on my face. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, all I could see was Claire. Her eyes, her hair, and her addiction stared back at me. In California, Chase had been worried that I would become my father; now, for the first time, I saw that I had inadvertently become something much worse: I had become my mother. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I could not bear the weight of it. I balled my hand up into a fist and smashed the glass, shards falling into the sink. I did not check to see if my hand was bleeding; I did not care if it was – something had taken over me. I stormed into the kitchen.
Rummaging through my cabinets, I remembered that Tina and Kenzie had brought over housewarming beverages when I first moved into my apartment last year. My eyes finally settled on what I was searching for: a brand new, unopened glass bottle of tequila.
Before I could come to my senses, I unscrewed the cap, and took a long swig from the bottle. The familiar burning entered my throat, and I quickly took another gulp to accompany the first. More tears spilled out of my eyes. I carried the bottle into my bedroom, leaving the cap behind on the kitchen floor. Again and again, I drank from the bottle, until the wonderful numbness began to set in. After I felt like I had drank enough, I placed the bottle on my nightstand and curled up into a ball under my covers until I fell asleep.
Chapter Fifteen: A Second Chance
My head was pounding. The sun was bright as it streamed through my window. I squeezed my eyes shut and yanked the blanket over my head. I tried to ignore the pounding in my brain, but it only seemed to get louder.
“Merritt! If you don’t open this door, I will!”
I immediately sat up. The pounding was not in my head, but on my front door.
“Okay, Merritt! That’s it! I’m coming in!”
I tore the covers off of me, and stumbled over my feet as I ran to unlock the door.
Tanner shouldered past me, letting himself into the apartment. “What the hell, Merritt?”
I shielded my eyes from the sunlight, and quickly closed the door behind him. “I’m sorry. I have a bad migraine.” I shuffled back to the bedroom, collapsing onto the bed, and not wanting him to see me.
“Are you sick or–” Tanner froze in the doorway. His mouth dropped open when he laid eyes upon my nightstand. “What the fuck did you do?”
Though I had cried an ocean last night, tears still managed to find their way to the surface. “I… I messed up, Tanner.”
Without missing a beat, he began opening my dresser drawers, frantically searching for something. I watched him rip open my closet door and disappear inside; he emerged two seconds later, tossing my sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants at my face. “Put these on. We’re leaving in five.”
“I can’t,” I began. “I can’t face T.J. like this”
Tanner gripped my shoulders and lowered his chin to look at me. “Clean yourself up, and meet me in the car.” He walked towards the door, and held up his hand. “Five minutes.”
I spent two of the five minutes in bed, clutching my sweats in my hands, too afraid to move. Though I was embarrassed to let T.J. see me like this, I was even more upset about how much of a disappointment I would be to him. The last thing I wanted to do was let him down, after all the progress he had made with me – for me.
With only seconds to spare, I sat beside Tanner in his Mustang. I tried as hard as I could to not look hungover, but I knew my eyes would be a dead giveaway.
We rode in silence, staring straight ahead out the windshield. I could hear my heart thumping inside of my chest, as every turn Tanner made brought us closer to the gym.
Once inside, I spotted T.J. making his way to the ring. His grin faded as I approached him.
“What’s wrong, Curly Sue? You look like–”
I looked down at his sneakers, too ashamed to bring myself to look him in the eyes.
He stepped closer to me, lifting my chin with his finger. After he surveyed my appearance, his face crumbled.
My eyes welled up instantly seeing his disappointment.
His fingers left my chin, and pointed towards the exit. “Get out.”
Tears spilled down onto my cheeks. “T.J., please,” I tried.
He glared down at me with icy blue eyes and a look of disgust. “I said get out.”
I gripped his t-shirt in my fists as a last resort. “Please don’t kick me out, T.J. Please don’t make me leave.”
He pried his shirt out of my hands, and released me as he stepped back. “I warned you. You knew the rules. Now go.”
Tanner was at my side, knowing T.J. would react this way. He tugged on my elbow. “Come on. I’ll take you back.”
I hung my head as I turned away, and followed Tanner to the door. I did not care who saw me crying. All I cared about was the person who now hated me. I looked back once, and saw T.J. hurl the pad and gloves against a shelf, sending everything crashing to the floor. He stormed into his office, and slammed the door shut.
Back in Tanner’s car again, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed. “What am I going to do?”
Tanner heaved a
sigh from the driver’s seat. “Give him some time. Maybe he will come around.” He turned his key in the ignition.
My head shot up. “Tanner, wait.” I flung open the passenger door, and ran towards the gym.
“Where are you going?” he yelled out his window.
I swung open the gym door and ran to T.J.’s office, his door still closed. I knocked on the door, and then pounded harder when he didn’t open.
“T.J. open up!” I yelled.
Finally, the door opened. “I told you to get out.”
I pushed past him before he could stop me, and let myself inside. “Well, I’m not leaving.” I crossed my arms across my chest, and planted my feet where I stood. I did not know if this would work, but I had to try.
His eyebrows furrowed, and his jaw worked under his skin. He held my stare, neither one of us wanting to break first. “You have two minutes. Then, you have to leave.” He gave the door a forceful push, and it slammed shut.
“I messed up last night. I know I am halfway through your training, but we are going to need more than a month to undo almost a decade’s worth of my issues. I still need your help. I made a mistake, and I regret it. Please don’t make me stop training.”
He pointed to his chest. “I am not making you stop training. You did this. You did this to yourself. You keep blaming everyone else for your problems, but you’re the one who needs to take ownership of it all!”
“Yes, I agree. I take full responsibility for last night. I was upset about breaking up with Chase, and then everything with my mother happened. Please give me another chance.”
“Why didn’t you call me? I was waiting by my phone hoping that you would call to tell me what happened with your mom. Instead, you get drunk? That’s the same old weak ass bullshit that you have been doing. I thought you were making progress. I thought you were changing. Fuck me, I guess, right? I trusted you, and you broke that trust. You broke your trust to yourself!”
I stepped closer to him, but he took a step back. “T.J. I am so sorry. I didn’t do this to hurt you. The last thing I wanted was to see the look of disappointment on your face.”
“The last thing you should want is to disappoint yourself!” he shouted. “When are you going to get it, Merritt?”
“I feel it. I know I screwed up.” My eyes were imploring him to let me stay. “Please, T.J. Just one more shot.”
“Why? Why should I believe that you won’t do this again? Why should I waste my time on another coward like you?”
I winced, accepting the verbal punch to my gut. I deserved it. “Because you taught me to keep getting back up every time I get knocked down. I’m making the choice to keep fighting.”
He rubbed the back of his neck while he contemplated his decision. “It’s hard to argue when you use my own words against me.”
My eyes widened. “Are you letting me stay?”
He nodded once, but his eyes narrowed. “No more mistakes, though. Fool me twice, you’re done.”
I rushed at him and clutched his midsection tightly. “Thank you so much. I won’t screw up again, I promise.” I waited for him to return the hug, but grew impatient when he didn’t. I lifted one of his arms, and tried placing it around me. “God, your arm is so heavy. Just hug me, dammit.”
I heard him chuckle, and then his arms wrapped around my body. He rested his chin on the top of my head, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“I can’t lose you, too,” I said quietly.
He held me out in front of him far enough to look me in the eyes. “Then don’t do something like this again.”
I stared up at him, and lowered my chin. “I won’t.”
His arms dropped to his sides, and he gestured to the empty chair beside me.
I sat, and watched him walk around his desk to sit in his large computer chair.
“So, tell me how it went with your mother.”
I took a few deep breaths while I gathered my thoughts. “Apparently, my mother was an alcoholic.”
His eyebrows lifted, though I knew he wasn’t surprised. “That makes a lot of sense.”
“She said she had postpartum depression after she had me, and she would drink in order to feel better.” I averted my eyes, embarrassed to admit it out loud. “You can call me a hypocrite anytime, now.”
“Do you think I would ever call you that?” T.J. waited for me to make eye contact with him before continuing. “Alcoholism is hereditary. With all that you’ve had to endure in your life, it’s no wonder you looked for something to help you cope with the pain. I get it. I get you, and you’re not a hypocrite.”
“I just feel so mixed up inside.” I rubbed my forehead. “I have hated her for so long, but now I don’t know where to put that hate. How can I hate her when I did the same exact thing? I understood every word she said.”
“We’re all guilty of judging people and situations too harshly. Life comes full circle, and as we grow up, we’re usually faced with the very things we swore ourselves against. It happens, and I’m glad it happens because it’s a valuable lesson to learn. It’s important for you to hear your mom’s side. All that hate you carried around inside of you can now be turned into empathy. She was suffering long before you or your father suffered.”
I listened, taking in every word he spoke.
“What made you start drinking last night?” he asked.
“I was looking at myself in the mirror, and all I could see was her. After hearing everything that she told me,” I shook my head, cringing. “I became her, T.J. Somehow, I managed to turn into the person that I hate the most.”
“So, in turn, you hate yourself.”
“Shelly thinks I am a warrior. Staring at myself in the mirror, I realized that I’m not a warrior. I’m a coward. I was so mad at myself last night. I wanted to do the one thing that I knew would hurt me the most.”
“That self-sabotaging behavior has got to stop, Merritt. You need to gain control of your emotions. Your mother did you a favor. She held up a mirror so that you could take a good hard look at yourself. If you don’t like what you see staring back at you, then make a change.”
“I want to.”
“Then do it,” he countered. “A warrior is more than someone who fights in wars. She is someone who shows courage and perseverance in those battles. I can teach you how to fight, but I can’t throw the punches for you. Fighting takes heart. You either have it, or you don’t. Your parents didn’t have it; mine didn’t either. Should we just lie down and accept our fate as cowards, or should we fight to become something more?”
“We should be warriors.”
One corner of his mouth turned up. “There’s my girl.”
* * *
“Just dump it down the drain,” I ordered.
“That is such a waste of money,” Shelly replied from the kitchen.
“So then take it to the frat house. I don’t care what you do with it. I just need it out of here.”
“I can’t believe you fell off the wagon.” She loaded the bottles of tequila, vodka, and rum into a shopping bag, and carried it to the front door, setting it down beside her shoes.
“I can’t believe my mother was an alcoholic my entire life.”
“I can’t believe you broke up with Chase.”
“You win.”
Shelly plopped onto the couch beside me. “Has he been calling you?”
“Yup. Funny how he suddenly has time to call me now.”
“That is very true. How are you holding up?”
“I think about him every second I’m awake.” I swallowed the lump that had now made itself at home in my throat. “I think that no matter what I do, no matter where I go, I will always be his. My heart will always belong to him.”
“That will leave you very lonely in life.”
“I guess that’s what I get for falling in love with someone I didn’t deserve.”
“That’s where I’m going to have to stop you.” Shelly sat up to lean towards me, trying to look threateni
ng by narrowing her eyes. “If you want to wallow in your heartbreak, I will sit here with you. If you want to cry your eyes out for days on end, I will sit here with you. But if you are going to talk about how Chase is too good for you, I will not sit here for that shit. You are a good person, Merritt Adams. You have been through worse than anyone else I have ever known; you protect the people you love like a mother bear with her cubs; you are beautiful; you are smart; you are a warrior princess, and anyone who knows you is lucky to have you. I know Chase is great, but don’t act like he is God’s gift to the world. He is a mere mortal just like the rest of us.”
I rested my head on her shoulder, smiling and fighting off the urge to cry – again. “I don’t deserve you, either, Toad. You’re the best friend I could ever ask for.”
She covered my hand with hers. “Forget the boys, Frog – you’re the love of my life!”
I giggled. “Ditto.”
“So, tell me,” she said. “Have you made out with T.J. yet?”
I pulled away from her, my face contorting between variations of shock and appalment. “Have I what?”
Shelly rolled her eyes dramatically. “Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers, and took a deep breath. “Shell, I literally don’t have the energy for one of these conversations with you.”
She put her hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying: you’re single now, and if I was single, I would make a beeline right for that boy’s lips.”
I shook my head, but laughed. “How are things with you and Brody?”
“The same. He’s still perfect, and I’m still an asshole for worrying about marrying him.”
“You are not an asshole.”
“And you’re not undeserving of Chase.”
“Fine. You’re an asshole, then.”
She giggled and smacked me with one of the decorative couch pillows. “It takes one to know one!”
Avoidance Page 18
