The Fight Within

by Laveen, Tiana

  “And now, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

  Pushing the veil further away from her face, he framed her cheeks with his hands and bent down to her waiting lips…

  A kiss.

  A simple, perfect kiss that he laid upon her with closed eyes to breathe in her scent, fall fast and deep. Then, he kissed her yet again, pressing his lips into the softness of her own. Their guests clapped as he continued, melting inside of her soul, disappearing somewhere soft and sweet, and hoping with all of his heart and soul he was not trapped in some dream…

  *

  “Where are you?” Sean quickly leaned forward and turned his music off. He had A$AP Mob blasting ‘Trillmatic’ on full blast. This was his second time asking the kid the same question, questioning the boy only to hear his heavy breathing on the other end of the line. Sean stared at the red light he was benched in front of. The crimson brightness seemed to shine brighter than usual…

  Warning! Alert!

  Help…me….

  “Brian, where are you? Tell me right now.” The light turned green and he turned on Park Avenue. Nearby, two guys dressed in gray work jumpsuits navigated their bikes illegally through the thick rush hour evening traffic.

  “I’m not at home. I’m just walking around…just walking around.” His voice faded, trailed off as if he’d leapt off a cliff.

  “Okay, what street are you on?” he asked calmly, not trying to inflame the situation.

  “Van Buren…”

  “…Brooklyn. Okay, what are ya next to? What’s around you?”

  “Nothin’…just duplexes.”

  “Pause for a minute, Brian. Look over and give me an address so I can come pick you up.” He waited a second or two, only hearing heavy breathing once again as if the boy had joined in a relay race.

  “68…”

  “The address of the apartment is 68?” He slid his gum to the right side of his mouth.

  “Yeah…”

  “Alright, sit on some steps or something, calm down, and I’ll be right there. Promise me you won’t move, okay?”

  “I…okay.”

  “Okay.” He disconnected the call and cursed the big, old dusky van covered in matte purple paint that pulled out in front of him, slowing his trek. Beeping the horn frantically, he rolled his window down, letting the son of a bitch have it.

  “I got an emergency here! You fuckin’ loser!” He slammed on the horn again, causing the driver to toss him the middle finger through his rear view mirror.

  “Fuck you too, wanker!” He slammed his heavy palm into the horn once more, no doubt turning red in the face as his stomach tightened with anxiety. After a few minutes, the traffic momentum picked up, affording him the opportunity to take a detour and shave off a few minutes to his destination. It had been a long day at work. Still getting his bearings, he spent most of his days as of late in meetings, getting to know everyone, and understanding the dynamics of the company. Regardless, he felt rewarded for the mental stimulation and did what he did best—problem solve. Turning on his blinker, he made a left turn and discovered Brian sitting on some steps, his head slumped forward, wearing a black hoodie and dark brown timberlands. He couldn’t see the boy’s face, only his long hands hanging loosely over his legs, as if he’d fallen asleep right then and there.

  He pulled next to a fire hydrant and rolled his window down. Immediately, he was smacked in the face by cool air. He raked his hand through his hair and watched the boy slowly raise his head, his dark eyes dead, and a sullen look on his face.

  “Come on, get in.”

  After a short drive filled with nothing but silence, he couldn’t take it anymore, so he forced the boy to speak.

  “You were really upset when you called me. You gonna tell me what’s going on now? You told me you didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. I’m here now, so what’s going on?”

  Brian shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets and glanced out his window. Sean approached a stop sign and looked at his reflection in the damn glass. The boy’s eyes hooded as he leaned slightly forward, seemingly afraid to utter a word.

  “Shanice thinks she’s pregnant…”

  Sean slowly put his foot on the gas and drove through the intersection, making the long drive back to Larchmont Manor. He wrapped his hands a bit tighter around the steering wheel of his new burgundy Mercedes and kept an even pace.

  “Have you told your mother?” he asked calmly.

  “Nah, can’t do that, man. She’ll freak out.”

  Sean nodded in understanding. “How long have you known?”

  “…Just found out. She called me over to her house. That’s why I was over here.”

  “Okay.” Sean drove a bit faster, trying to find a good spot to stop, rest up, and have a chat. “This will do…”

  He pulled into a park’s parking lot. The crimped, lackluster leaves on the trees barely clung to the weak branches and the whispering wind would surely whisk the half dead survivors away by sunrise. People moseyed about, some walking dogs, others holding hands with their sweethearts and laughing their cares away. Sean looked at those trees for a long while before speaking. They reminded him of so many things…of recent death, rebirth and new beginnings. Autumn was like that, sad and sweet all at once.

  “Brian, I know you feel like your world has ended, but it hasn’t. Is this the best news?” He looked wearily at the guy. “No, not by a long shot, but it isn’t the worst, either.”

  “Sean, that’s easy for you to say! You ain’t the one about to have a baby and still in high school! Do you know what Mama is gonna do to me?! She’s gonna scream, and cry and talk to me about how she told me since I was a little kid about the importance of using condoms, safe sex, and all that other shit. She’s gonna ask me what she did wrong, and I’ll tell her nothing, admit I fucked up, but she’ll still be mad! Then she’ll tell me how she ain’t ready to be a grandmother and all the other stuff moms say when their kid tells them something like this. My life is ruined!”

  “Your life is not ruined, Brian.”

  “Yeah it is. What about my music career, huh? What about college?! I love Shanice, but I wasn’t tryna get married or be glued down like this! I’ll have to get a couple jobs, and who the hell is gonna hire a sixteen-year-old, well, seventeen next month, but still…and give him some decent money?! Man!” He waved his hand at Sean, shrugging him off, then smacked his lips and turned away in disgust.

  “Brian, first of all, you—”

  “And I don’t want a baby!” The boy’s eyes filled with angry tears. “That ain’t fair to that child. I’m just like my father now…no better than him! I’m bringing babies in the world I don’t want. I can’t do that, man. I can’t let that happen to my child.” He threw his hands in the air. “I gotta bust my ass and take care of ’em. I gotta make sure they got what they need, make sure Shanice can finish school so she can get a decent job. This is so fucked up.” He rocked in his seat, anxiety drawing itself all over his twisted face. It was a painful expression, as if he were sitting on a bed of tacks, nails and jagged pieces of broken glass all at once.

  “I want to tell you something that only my brother knew for the longest time,” Sean began. Brian continued to stare out his window, watching another couple walk by, hand in hand. Sean took a deep breath. “It’s not like it’s some big secret or anything, I just never put a lot of thought into it until fairly recently. Interestingly enough, this is happening to you around the same time I started thinking about it again… Just told your mom about it not too long ago.” He cleared his throat.

  “Told ’er what?”

  “When I was your exact age, sixteen going on seventeen, I got a girl pregnant.”

  Brian slowly lifted his head and faced Sean, his interest surely piqued. They locked eyes for a second two, then Sean turned away, travelling down memory lane. A painful journey that he hated walking, but one that needed to be visited for the sake of his stepson. He knew he was going to add eve
n more details that he’d glossed over before, the stuff that could help the boy, make him understand.

  “She wasn’t my girlfriend, just this girl I was dating. After about a month or two of going out, she realized I’d gotten her pregnant. My initial reaction was…” he closed his eyes for a spell then continued, “…disbelief. Like you, I was certain that, if my mother found out, she’d lose her mind. I thought about all the shit you just said, went through all the same fears, even more, because I was convinced my father would kill me, too. She called me at home and told me she was pregnant. I remember I was sitting on the couch, and it’s like…” he swallowed, “it’s like the whole damn world got swallowed by a monster, the beast belched, and I was the only one spit back out into nothingness. My heartbeat disappeared. Forget about beating fast and hard, it damn near vanished because I was holding my breath!

  “Colin, my brother, walked in, and said I looked white as a ghost. I don’t recall what I said to her, but I hung up pretty fast after whatever I said. He sat next to me, asked what the problem was. I didn’t answer. Instead, I got up and went to my room. He followed behind me and after a little while, I was able to form my lips to tell him what Natasha and I had discussed.”

  “You got a kid, Sean? Does my mother know?”

  “I’ll get to that in a second.” Sean raised his hand as he continued to stare out the window, telling his story. “So, I called Natasha back and asked all the expected questions, like, how far along was she, had she been to the doctor, all of that. She answered and it had been confirmed. They gave her a blood test, that’s what they did back then, and a urine test, too. She had the results and said I could come over and see but I refused…I knew she wasn’t lying. She wasn’t that type of girl. So anyway,” he said with a ragged sigh. “I realized there was no way in hell I could be a father right then. I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone a child. I asked her to get an abortion. At first, you know, she burst out crying and started yelling and told me to go fuck myself.”

  Brian sat up a bit straighter and hung onto his every word.

  “Then, like the next day, she called me and told me she spoke to her best friend, who agreed with me…told ’er we were too young, had our whole life ahead of us. It was a confusing time, ya know?” He looked over at Brian, gauging his reaction, then continued. “So, I got the money for the abortion by borrowing it from friends, but not tellin’ them what it was for. I rode the train with her to the clinic… I’ll never forget that day, Brian. We held hands the entire way…she cried the entire way…and she hated me the entire way.”

  “Man…” Brian closed his eyes, bent forward and ran his hands slowly back and forth over his hooded head.

  “So, we went in, and we answered a questionnaire, right? And I answered a couple questions then helped her fill out her medical paperwork. I waited in the waiting area, and she came back out like forty minutes later, looking woozy and tired, walking real slow. I got her stuff for her, and we took the train back home. It was the longest fucking ride of my life. I remember everything from that day… Some guy was sitting next to us listening to music and tapping his foot. An old Asian woman sat across from us and kept dozing off to sleep. She had on a cream and red sweater and her foot was wrapped up in dirty bandages. I’ll never forget the sights and sounds, never.

  “I got ’er back home, and sat with her for a while. She threw up a couple of times. I don’t know if it was the medicine they gave her, or anxiety, or a combination or both or maybe…maybe me sittin’ there and her havin’ to look at me was making her sick to her goddamn stomach. After a while, she fell asleep. I took out a piece of notebook paper from her book bag, and wrote a note to her. I wrote something to the effect of:

  Natasha,

  I’m sorry about this. I never wanted this to happen. I care about you. I would not have been a good father though. Believe me. You’ve fallen asleep, so I’m going home now. Call me when you wake up, let me know you’re okay. I hope to see you soon.

  Sean

  So I tore the paper out the notebook and left it under her pillow, but sticking out a bit so she could see it. Natasha never called me. I saw her at school, but she didn’t have a lot to say. Nevertheless, I knew she blamed me for everything. And I understood it, though it took two of us to create that baby, not just me. Regardless, I had no idea it would haunt me the way it did. For years, Brian, I regretted my decision to ask her to do that. Just because I was young and didn’t have a job didn’t mean I didn’t have a good support system. My parents would have helped me after they got over their anger.

  “I would have made a way, because I’ve always been that type of guy, and so are you. I knew it when I first met you that we had a lot in common. You are a problem solver, just like me. Now, you have a problem, okay? But it doesn’t have to destroy you. The baby isn’t a mistake, it’s just the timing is bad, but we can’t change that—it’s done now. I’m not telling you what to do, alright? If you and she decide to terminate the pregnancy, that’s on you. If you decide to keep the baby, that’s on you too, but whatever you decide, your mother and I will help you through this. You’re not alone.”

  Brian slowly lifted his head and nodded, but refused to look Sean in the eye.

  “What made you tell my mother this?” he asked in almost a whisper.

  “Well, three reasons. It was something that affected me profoundly, and I wanted her to know about it for that reason alone for a while. Your mother and I were talking one night, and I told her that she was an angel. She said only babies are angels, and I felt compelled to talk to her about it. But then, another reason came about. I saw Natasha not too long ago.” He lowered his head and smiled. “I knew it was her by her voice. You know how some people just have a distinctive voice? Kinda like Fran Drescher?”

  Brian nodded.

  “Yeah well, she was on her cell phone chattin’ it up, laughing, carrying on a conversation. Anyway, I looked at the lady and sure enough, it was her. She looked pretty much the same. A pretty woman with a gorgeous smile… She had on a little tan knitted hat and stood right beside me at the crosswalk. She didn’t have a damn clue I was there, being so immersed in her conversation. I could have been the president of the United States and she would’ve been none the wiser. She looked happy… and in some selfish sort of way, I needed to see that, ya know? I was glad, especially since from that one incident, I’d brought her so much sadness.”

  “So…you wished you’d asked her to keep the baby now?”

  Sean sighed and leaned back in his seat, deliberating over the question as he stretched his legs and shoved his arm behind his head. Bringing his brows together, he toured his mind, lifting up old thoughts, notions and ideas, trying to find an answer that would match closest to the truth.

  “What I wish is that I asked her what she wanted to do and presented my concerns, but not guilted her into that choice because I was afraid. If she was the one that had brought up terminating the pregnancy, had decided to get an abortion, I may have handled it differently. Hell,” he said with a shug. “I don’t know, Brian… I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I always felt after the incident that I didn’t deserve children.

  “But I love kids. So, I would volunteer to teach kids kickboxing like I do, and baseball, stuff like that. To this day, I look at kids that would be around the same age as my son or daughter had they been born, and wonder what that person would have looked like and grown up to become.” He closed his eyes and calmed himself down, pushed back the stomach churning emotions so he could be of strength to Brian, and not weakly fall to his knees during a moment of reminisced trauma.

  “I wonder sometimes, would they have had my green eyes and Natasha’s smile? What would their personality have been like? Would they have been a little shy like their beautiful, Cuban mother, or quick tempered and silly like their Irish American father? It hurt, man…it hurt really bad for a long ass time. I’m not gonna even sit here and lie to ya. I’d go a year or two and be okay, and t
hen something would jar the memory for me, make it fresh all over again. My child would have been nineteen this year, Brian. Nineteen…”

  “I… I don’t even know what to say. Thanks for tellin’ me this, though. I hate you went through that, but at least you know, you understand what I’m feelin’ right now.”

  “Yeah, I know exactly how you feel right now, Brian.” He patted his shoulder. “For some people, what Natasha and I did would be the best solution. For others, it would not be the best choice. Only you and Shanice can decide that, Brian. First, get it confirmed by a doctor that she’s pregnant. If she is, let’s talk—but talk to her first. Try to be calm. Tell her how you feel, your concerns, and listen to her. Make her feel like what she says and thinks about everything regarding this is important to you. She is the one that would have to carry that baby to term. She’s the one people would be looking at…because she’s young and eventually it will be obvious that she’s pregnant. She’s the one that’s going to be getting sick, growing a baby and needing care. So, just be sensitive to that fact. No one will look at you and see you are going to be a father. Just be thoughtful to her is all I’m saying.”

  They were quiet for quite some time until Sean leaned forward and started up his car. He pulled out the parking space, and gradually navigated out of the park, making their way home. The atmosphere drew darker, and soon, stars sparkled in the midnight blue sky. They didn’t speak another word along the entire journey. He leaned over and turned on his sound system, wanting to soothe his and his son’s nerves. Quirke’s ‘Acid Beth’ began to play… He knew the boy was torn up inside, distorted with worry and deliberations. Nineteen years ago, he had been in Brian’s same shoes, sinking to an all time low in a pit filled with quicksand.