by Oscar Wilde
CHASUBLE: But have you any grave doubts on the subject?
JACK: I have the very gravest doubts. There are circumstances, unnecessary to mention at present, connected with my birth and early life that make me think I was a good deal neglected. I certainly wasn’t properly looked after, at any rate. Of course I don’t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now.
CHASUBLE: Oh! I am not by any means a bigoted Paedobaptist. The sprinkling and, indeed, the immersion of adults was a common practice of the Primitive Church.
JACK: Immersion! You don’t mean to say that…
CHASUBLE: You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather is so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?
JACK: Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you.
CHASUBLE: Perfectly, perfectly! In fact, I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate. Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.
JACK: Oh! I don’t see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do?
CHASUBLE: Admirably! Admirably! (Takes out watch.) And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.
MISS PRISM: This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.
Enter CECILY from the house.
CECILY: Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them.
MISS PRISM: Cecily!
CHASUBLE: My child! my child!
CECILY goes towards JACK; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.
CECILY: What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? Your brother!
JACK: Who?
CECILY: Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago.
JACK: What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother.
CECILY: Oh, don’t say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won’t you, Uncle Jack? (Runs back into the house.)
CHASUBLE: These are very joyful tidings. That telegram from Paris seems to have been a somewhat heartless jest by one who wished to play upon your feelings.
MISS PRISM: After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.
JACK: My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.
Enter ALGERNON and CECILY hand in hand. They come slowly up to JACK.
JACK: Good heavens! (Motions ALGERNON away.)
ALGERNON: Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. (JACK glares at him and does not take his hand.)
CHASUBLE: (to MISS PRISM): There is good in that young man. He seems to be sincerely repentant.
MISS PRISM: These sudden conversions do not please me. They belong to Dissent. They savour of the laxity of the Nonconformist.
CECILY: Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother’s hand?
JACK: Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why.
CHASUBLE: Young man, you have had a very narrow escape of your life. I hope it will be a warning to you. We were mourning your demise when you entered.
ALGERNON: Yes, I see Jack has got a new suit of clothes. They don’t fit him properly. His necktie is wrong.
CECILY: Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in everyone. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be some good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.
JACK: Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury has he?
CECILY: Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health.
JACK: Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic.
CHASUBLE: Mr. Worthing, your brother has been unexpectedly restored to you by the mysterious dispensations of providence, who seems to desire your reconciliation. And indeed it is good for brothers to dwell together in amity.
ALGERNON: Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a warmer welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.
CECILY: Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you.
JACK: Never forgive me?
CECILY: Never, never, never!
JACK: I suppose I must then. (Shakes hands and glares.) You young scoundrel! You must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying here.
CHASUBLE: It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child.
MISS PRISM: We must not be premature in our judgments.
Enter MERRIMAN.
MERRIMAN: I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right?
JACK: What?
MERRIMAN: Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own.
JACK: His luggage?
MERRIMAN: Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing case, two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.
ALGERNON: I am afraid I can’t stay more than a week this time.
MERRIMAN (to ALGERNON): I beg your pardon, sir, there is an elderly gentleman wishes to see you. He has just come in a cab from the station. (Hands card on salver.)
ALGERNON: To see me?
MERRIMAN: Yes, sir.
ALGERNON: (reads card): Parker and Gribsby, Solicitors. I don’t know anything about them. Who are they?
JACK: (takes card): Parker and Gribsby. I wonder who they can be. I expect, Ernest, they have come about some business for your friend Bunbury. Perhaps Bunbury wants to make his will and wishes you to be executor. (To MERRIMAN.) Show the gentleman in at once.
MERRIMAN: Very good, sir.
MERRIMAN goes out.
JACK: I hope, Ernest, that I may rely on the statement you made to me last week when I finally settled all your bills for you. I hope you have no out-standing accounts of any kind.
ALGERNON: I haven’t any debts at all, dear Jack. Thanks to your generosity I don’t owe a penny, except for a few neckties, I believe.
JACK: I am sincerely glad to hear it.
Enter MERRIMAN.
MERRIMAN: Mr. Gribsby.
MERRIMAN goes out. Enter GRIBSBY.
GRIBSBY (to DR. CHASUBLE): Mr. Ernest Worthing?
MISS PRISM: This is Mr. Ernest Worthing.
GRIBSBY: Mr. Ernest Worthing?
ALGERNON: Yes.
GRIBSBY: Of B.4., The Albany?
ALGERNON: Yes, that is my address.
GRIBSBY: I am very sorry, sir, but we have a writ of attachment for twenty days against you at the suit of the Savoy Hotel Co. Limited for £762 14s. 2d.
ALGERNON: Against me?
GRIBSBY: Yes, sir.
ALGERNON: What perfect nonsense! I never dine at the Savoy at my own expense. I always dine at Willis’s. It is far more expensive. I don’t owe a penny to the Savoy.
GRIBSBY: The writ is marked as having been served on you personally at The Albany on May the 27th. Judgment was given in default against you on the fifth of June. Since then we have written to you no less than fifteen
times, without receiving any reply. In the interest of our clients we had no option but to obtain an order for committal of your person.
ALGERNON: Committal! What on earth do you mean by committal? I haven’t the smallest intention of going away. I am staying here for a week. I am staying with my brother. If you imagine I am going up to town the moment I arrive you are extremely mistaken.
GRIBSBY: I am merely a solicitor myself. I do not employ personal violence of any kind. The officer of the Court, whose function it is to seize the person of the debtor, is waiting in the fly outside. He has considerable experience in these matters. That is why we always employ him. But no doubt you will prefer to pay the bill.
ALGERNON: Pay it? How on earth am I going to do that? You don’t suppose I have got any money? How perfectly silly you are. No gentleman ever has any money.
GRIBSBY: My experience is that it is usually relations who pay.
ALGERNON: Jack, you really must settle this bill.
JACK: Kindly allow me to see the particular items, Mr. Gribsby…(turns over immense folio)…£762 14s. 2d. since last October. I am bound to say I never saw such reckless extravagance in all my life. (Hands it to DR. CHASUBLE.)
MISS PRISM: £762 for eating! There can be little good in any young man who eats so much, and so often.
CHASUBLE: We are far away from Wordsworth’s plain living and high thinking.
JACK: Now, Dr. Chasuble, do you consider that I am in any way called upon to pay this monstrous account for my brother.
CHASUBLE: I am bound to say that I do not think so. It would be encouraging his profligacy.
MISS PRISM: As a man sows, so let him reap. This proposed incarceration might be most salutary. It is to be regretted that it is only for twenty days.
JACK: I am quite of your opinion.
ALGERNON: My dear fellow, how ridiculous you are! You know perfectly well that the bill is really yours.
JACK: Mine?
ALGERNON: Yes, you know it is.
CHASUBLE: Mr. Worthing, if this is a jest, it is out of place.
MISS PRISM: It is gross effrontery. Just what I expected from him.
CECILY: And it is ingratitude. I didn’t expect that.
JACK: Never mind what he says. This is the way he always goes on. You mean now to say that you are not Ernest Worthing, residing at B.4., The Albany. I wonder, as you are at it, that you don’t deny being my brother at all. Why don’t you?
ALGERNON: Oh! I am not going to do that, my dear fellow. It would be absurd. Of course I’m your brother. And that is why you should pay this bill for me.
JACK: I will tell you quite candidly that I have not the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. Dr. Chasuble, the worthy Rector of this parish, and Miss Prism, in whose admirable and sound judgment I place great reliance, are both of the opinion that incarceration would do you a great deal of good. And I think so, too.
GRIBSBY (pulls out watch): I am sorry to disturb this pleasant family meeting, but time presses. We have to be at Holloway not later than four o’clock; otherwise it is difficult to obtain admission. The rules are very strict.
ALGERNON: Holloway!
GRIBSBY: It is at Holloway that detentions of this character take place always.
ALGERNON: Well, I really am not going to be imprisoned in the suburbs for having dined in the West End.
GRIBSBY: The bill is for suppers, not for dinners.
ALGERNON: I really don’t care. All I say is that I am not going to be imprisoned in the suburbs.
GRIBSBY: The surroundings I admit are middle class; but the gaol itself is fashionable and well-aired; and there are ample opportunities of taking exercise at certain stated hours of the day. In the case of a medical certificate, which is always easy to obtain, the hours can be extended.
ALGERNON: Exercise! Good God! No gentleman ever takes exercise. You don’t seem to understand what a gentleman is.
GRIBSBY: I have met so many of them, sir, that I am afraid I don’t. There are the most curious varieties of them. The result of cultivation, no doubt. Will you kindly come now, sir, if it will not be inconvenient to you.
ALGERNON (appealingly): Jack!
MISS PRISM: Pray be firm, Mr. Worthing.
CHASUBLE: This is an occasion on which any weakness would be out of place. It would be a form of self-deception.
JACK: I am quite firm, and I don’t know what weakness or deception of any kind is.
CECILY: Uncle Jack! I think you have a little money of mine, haven’t you? Let me pay this bill. I wouldn’t like your own brother to be in prison.
JACK: Oh! I couldn’t possibly let you pay it, Cecily. That would be absurd.
CECILY: Then you will, won’t you? I think you would be sorry if you thought your own brother was shut up. Of course, I am quite disappointed with him.
JACK: You won’t speak to him again, Cecily, will you?
CECILY: Certainly not, unless, of course, he speaks to me first. It would be very rude not to answer him.
JACK: Well, I’ll take care he doesn’t speak to you. I’ll take care he doesn’t speak to anybody in this house. The man should be cut. Mr. Gribsby…
GRIBSBY: Yes, sir.
JACK: I’ll pay this bill for my brother. It is the last bill I shall ever pay for him, too. How much is it?
GRIBSBY: £762 14s. 2d. Ah! The cab will be five-and-ninepence extra: hired for the convenience of the client.
JACK: All right.
MISS PRISM: I must say that I think such generosity quite foolish.
CHASUBLE (with a wave of the hand): The heart has its wisdom as well as the head, Miss Prism.
JACK: Payable to Parker and Gribsby, I suppose?
GRIBSBY: Yes, sir. Kindly don’t cross the cheque. Thank you. (To DR. CHASUBLE) Good day. (DR. CHASUBLE bows coldly.) Good Day. (MISS PRISM bows coldly.) (To ALGERNON.) I hope I shall have the pleasure of meeting you again.
ALGERNON: I sincerely hope not. What ideas you have of the sort of society a gentleman wants to mix in. No gentleman ever wants to know a solicitor who wants to imprison one in the suburbs.
GRIBSBY: Quite so, quite so.
ALGERNON: By the way, Gribsby: Gribsby, you are not to go back to the station in that cab. That is my cab. It was taken for my convenience. You have got to walk to the station. And a very good thing, too. Solicitors don’t walk nearly enough. I don’t know any solicitor who takes sufficient exercise. As a rule they sit in stuffy offices all day long neglecting their business.
JACK: You can take the cab, Mr. Gribsby.
GRIBSBY Thank you, sir.
GRIBSBY goes out.
CECILY: The day is getting very sultry, isn’t it, Dr. Chasuble?
CHASUBLE: There is thunder in the air.
MISS PRISM: The atmosphere requires to be cleared.
CHASUBLE: Have you read ‘The Times’ this morning, Mr. Worthing? There is a very interesting article on the growth of religious feeling among the laity.
JACK: I am keeping it for after dinner.
Enter MERRIMAN.
MERRIMAN: Luncheon is on the table, sir.
ALGERNON: Ah! That is good news. I am excessively hungry.
CECILY: (interposing): But you have lunched already.
JACK: Lunched already?
CECILY: Yes, Uncle Jack. He had some pâté de foie gras sandwiches, and a small bottle of that champagne that your doctor ordered for you.
JACK: My ’89 champagne!
CECILY: Yes. I thought you would like him to have the same one as yourself.
JACK: Oh! Well, if he has lunched once, he can’t be expected to lunch twice. It would be absurd.
MISS PRISM: To partake of two luncheons in one day would not be liberty. It would be licence.
CHASUBLE: Even the pagan philosophers condemned excess in eating. Aristotle speaks of it with severity. He uses the same terms about it as he does about usury.
JACK: Doctor, will you escort the ladies into luncheon?
CHASUBLE: With plea
sure.
He goes into the house with MISS PRISM and CECILY.
JACK: Your Bunburying has not been a great success after all, Algy. I don’t think it is a good day for Bunburying, myself.
ALGERNON: Oh! There are ups and downs in Bunburying, just as there are in everything else. I’d be all right if you would let me have some lunch. The main thing is that I have seen Cecily and she is a darling.
JACK: You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don’t like it.
ALGERNON: Well, I don’t like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don’t you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. I call it grotesque.
JACK: You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else. You have got to leave…by the four-five train.
ALGERNON: I certainly won’t leave you so long as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn’t.
JACK: Well, will you go if I change my clothes?
ALGERNON: Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.
JACK: Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are.
ALGERNON: If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.
JACK: Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you. (Goes into the house.)
ALGERNON: I think it has been a great success. I’m in love with Cecily, and that is everything. It is all very well, but one can’t Bunbury when one is hungry. I think I’ll join them at lunch. (Goes towards door.)
