It was one of the qualities he admired about her. At least, he admired it when the person she was welcoming wasn’t his annoying younger brother.
“I’m not giving Hannah the cold shoulder,” he said. But the guilty note in his tone was unmistakable. He wasn’t angry with her. He just...
“You’ve looked strung out since her kid came home from the movies,” Justin said. “Does she know about—”
“Yes!” In deference to the horses, Colin quickly lowered his voice. But it shook with unwanted emotion. “Hannah knows everything. I’ve talked, I’ve shared. So get off my back.”
Peace and quiet prevailed, but the lack of conversation wasn’t as soothing as Colin had hoped. Justin had punctured his cocoon of denial. It was easier to compartmentalize the facets of his life around Todd and Henry, people who knew him only as a ranch hand, not as someone’s husband. Meshing who he used to be with the life he had now was more difficult with Justin here to witness it.
His brother had been the best man at Colin’s wedding. Now things were coming full circle in a way that left him queasy. Had he been trying to replace the wife and son he’d lost with Hannah and Evan?
“After Mom died,” Colin said, “one of my first acts of taking care of you or Arden was this splinter you got in your foot. Really deep. Dad was so submerged in grief that I think we could have accidentally amputated our thumbs and he wouldn’t have noticed. But the splinter caused you pain when you walked, and I was determined to help you get it out. Every time I came near it, you wailed like the biggest wimp on earth.”
“I have no recollection of this. I think you’re making it up.”
Colin snorted. They both knew better. “It’s like I’ve had a splinter in my heart,” he said haltingly. “It got worse and worse and worse for two years, infected probably. And Hannah somehow drew it to the surface. She has this way of getting me to talk—about the accident, about random stuff like picking out nursery furniture before Danny was born. She’s not only extracting the memories but the pain.”
“She helped you heal.” Justin said it with pride and awe.
“Maybe I’m not ready to give up the pain.” Once he did, Natalie and Danny would be gone. “That sounded stupid. Of course, I don’t want to be miserable. But before I came here, I thought I had a handle on who I was. Hannah’s changing me.”
“Like that’s a bad thing?” Justin muttered. “I loved Natalie and Danny, too, you know. They were family. But she wouldn’t have wanted pain for you. It’s selfish to want it for yourself.”
Colin bit back a retort, knowing his brother meant well.
“I’ll leave in the morning,” Justin said. “I’ll tell Arden you’ve been holding a steady job for a month and seem to be doing well. But in the name of pointless optimism, let me remind you that you’re entitled to bring a plus-one to the wedding. Actually, since you’re the best man, I think you might even rate a plus-two. Kaylee would love having someone close to her own age there. Don’t answer now,” he added hastily when Colin started to speak. “Just think about it. I would consider it my wedding present from you if you bring Hannah to the ceremony.”
“That’s not a good enough reason to bring her,” Colin said. He wouldn’t mislead her about the depth of their relationship, not even as a favor to his brother.
Irked, Justin rode on ahead, but his voice carried when he called back, “Bro, from where I’m sitting, you don’t have a worthwhile reason not to bring her.”
* * *
HANNAH WASN’T SURPRISED when Colin turned in early for the night. With his brother sleeping in the room next to him, there had been no chance he’d invite Hannah into his bed. Still, logic didn’t stop her from lying awake long past midnight, on the slim hope that he might knock on her bedroom door. His scent lingered on her sheets and the memories of what they’d done in this very bed earlier in the day tormented her.
It would be easy to blame Justin for his inconvenient timing, but with or without his showing up, the end result was going to be the same. She would lose Colin. He’d never made any secret that he wasn’t the kind of guy to stick around in one place. He’d always planned to leave for his brother’s wedding and that job afterward on a cattle drive. Although she’d enjoyed hearing Justin’s anecdotes about wedding plans, each one reminded her that the big day was rapidly approaching.
Her time with Colin was almost at an end.
She blinked rapidly, trying to catch her tears on her lashes. It didn’t count as crying over the cowboy if the tears didn’t actually make it to her cheeks.
Find a bright side, her inner voice urged. Like...the ranch was in far better shape than it had been before Colin came.
But what about me? What shape would her heart be in once he’d gone? Maybe she should be proactive. Since she wasn’t sleeping anyway, she would work on the wording for a new “help wanted” ad. Or edit her to-do list to reflect what she’d accomplished over the past few days and rank the improvements she wanted to tackle next, ordering her short-term goals.
To Do: Get over Colin Cade. That was priority number one. No, wait. Technically, it was number two. Step one was figuring out how.
By the time Hannah’s alarm clock blared at her in the morning, she felt as if she’d had only twenty minutes of sleep.
Breakfast was a subdued affair. Justin kept shooting worried glances at Colin, who barely said two words, and Hannah yawned her way through every sentence she said. Even Evan seemed affected by the gloomy mood. As he had the night before, Justin helped her clear plates off the table then teased her about not letting him help load the dishwasher.
Then it was time to say goodbye to him. The thought made her unaccountably sad—probably because she knew she was unlikely to see him again. She wouldn’t have a chance to meet Elisabeth or Kaylee or Arden. In bits and pieces over the past month, Colin had told her so much about his family that she felt as if she knew them. But that was only a pleasant fantasy.
Justin hugged her on the front porch. “It was wonderful to meet you. You’re a special woman, Hannah Shaw.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “If you ever find yourself in Bingham Pass again, come say hi. You’re always welcome here.”
He nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind. I don’t have any immediate plans to return, but that’s the funny thing about life. You just never know, do you?”
Biting her lip, she refrained from answering. It was true that life had thrown plenty of curveballs at her, some devastating, others wonderful. And some, like Colin, were both.
Plenty of people claimed that gardening was therapeutic, and, after Justin had driven away, Hannah tried to immerse herself in caring for the plants and vegetables. She tried not to feel miffed that she barely saw Colin all day, battling back an unwelcome wave of neediness. He’s supposed to be tending to the cattle and horses, remember? That’s his job.
When evening rolled around, however, and he was still making himself scarce, she was forced to admit he was deliberately avoiding her. She and Evan were halfway through dinner when Colin entered the house. He didn’t stay long enough even to eat with them, only to grab his pillow and a few other supplies.
“I’m worried about Viper,” he told her. “He was rolling earlier and wasn’t himself last night. It may be colic. I’m going to sleep down at the stable to keep a better eye on him.”
She wanted to scream. Was sleeping on the rock-hard, hay-strewn ground really preferable to sharing the same house with her? She wasn’t planning on attacking him, for pity’s sake. Hannah had her pride.
She met his gaze, not bothering to hide her frustration. “Do what you have to do.”
He faltered, looking as if he might say more, but ultimately, he shook his head and walked away. Just as she’d known he would.
* * *
SIRENS.
The jarring Klaxo
n cry penetrated Colin’s sleep, along with the sound of nervous whinnies. And...the smell of smoke?
Colin sat bolt upright. Tonight was like an encore of the months of nightmares he’d experienced, except this time, instead of waking from one, he was waking to it. Smoke and sirens meant a fire.
He ran from the stable and saw fire trucks rolling up in front of the main house—which was ablaze. Jesus, no. Hannah and Evan! Heart and legs pumping in wild tandem, he sprinted for the house. No, no, no, not again. He hadn’t been there to get them out safely. He’d failed them. Terror was like ice in his veins.
When he got close enough to see a tear-stained Hannah talking to a fireman, Evan at her side clasping Trainket in his small hands, the stark relief nearly drove Colin to his knees. They were alive. They were okay. But the adrenaline and fear lingered like a nauseating aftertaste.
When he got closer, Hannah saw him. Despite how aloof he’d been with her for the past two days—face it, you’ve been an ass—she rushed toward him and threw her arms around him. That was Hannah. She met life head-on, with faith and forgiveness. She was far too good for him.
He stroked a shaking hand over her hair, furious that she smelled like smoke instead of vanilla. “Are you okay?” Some of his anger that she couldn’t catch a break seeped into his gruff tone.
“We’re all right.” The brave words contrasted with the tremor in her voice, the clamminess of her skin. “I got Evan and Scarlett out safely, and the firemen are containing the blaze to the left side of the house.”
The fire wasn’t out yet, but it was already noticeably weaker than when he’d caught his first heart-stopping glimpse of it. Still, it had been a dry year. Colin wouldn’t breathe easy again until every last spark had been dampened.
“It started upstairs,” she said. “I’m glad you weren’t there.”
Her soft words triggered a spike of guilt. If he had slept in his usual bed, maybe he would have noticed it faster, helped put it out before it engulfed the guest rooms she’d been so diligently renovating.
“Th-they think m-maybe a short in the wiring.” Her teeth were chattering, and he pulled her closer. “Until recently, I hadn’t been in those rooms much, so I wasn’t using the electricity up there. On the br-bright side...” She gulped, and he realized that she was about to lose it completely.
“Hannah, it’s okay. You can be strong tomorrow. For now—”
“On the bright side,” she continued with almost hysterical determination, “we may not lose many of our personal belongings.” Her and Evan’s rooms were at the opposite end of the house. “But it looks like those guest rooms won’t be open for new business anytime soon, huh?” Then she laughed. Which quickly became a sob.
“Colin?” Evan’s voice was scared. “Is Mommy okay?”
That cut through Hannah’s mini breakdown better than anything Colin could have said—not that he was full of wise words at the moment. Mostly he wanted to shake his fist at the sky and scream obscenities. He was so damn sick of bad things happening to good people. And even though his fear should have ebbed once he saw that Hannah and Evan were all right, it was still there. In fact, it was crippling, ballooning ever larger. How had he put himself in a position to lose someone else? Anguish over the past, coupled with the tragedy that could have happened here tonight, knifed through him.
Hadn’t he learned his lesson by now? He’d told his brother he wasn’t sure if he were truly ready to let go of the pain. But he’d been lying to himself. The truth was, he wasn’t ready to risk that pain again. Not now, not ever.
“I’m okay,” Hannah was assuring her son. “But we’re going to have a sleepover at Aunt Annette’s tonight once we’re done here. Colin, will you drive us? I’m...a little shaky.”
She made the admission with a twinge of embarrassment that blew his mind. Her house had almost burned down around her! Of course, she was shaky.
“I’ll get you there safely,” he promised.
Driving her across town was the perfect task for him—a concrete, unemotional form of assistance. That, he could handle. But he suspected it was one of the last things he’d be able to do for Hannah Shaw. She had too many other needs that required dangerous involvement outside his skill set.
Life was precarious. And his was better lived alone.
* * *
SEEING THE FIRE damage in the harsh light of day made Colin’s stomach buckle. Annette was bringing Evan by shortly so that he could see his home was still there, but Hannah had wanted to inspect the aftermath of the fire herself first. Colin almost gagged at the lingering stench of smoke. It would be a long, long time before he ate barbecue or roasted marshmallows again.
Hannah sat at the bottom of the staircase, wringing her hands. Behind her, the wall panel he’d built to give her better pipe access was now a charred black patch. “I am so sorry.” It hadn’t occurred to them until they’d reached Annette’s house that he’d lost belongings in the blaze.
“Don’t worry about me. I didn’t have that much,” he reminded her. Many of his belongings were in storage. He’d learned the importance of traveling light. It was a lesson he didn’t intend to forget again. “Still got my hat. And my motorcycle helmet.”
She flinched at the reference to his motorcycle. Because they both knew he’d be riding away soon?
“You lost your sketch pad, though.”
He forced a shrug. “They were just doodles when you come right down to it.”
“That’s not all they were! That picture you did for my birthday? It inspired me, gave me hope. But now...God. Maybe it’s time for me to face facts. We’ve already had our own versions of flood and fire. Instead of locusts, I have the killer bull.”
Seeing her so defeated caused an ache inside him. He knelt in front of her, trying to coax a smile. “We’ve arranged a buyer for Beelzebull, remember? The rest can be dealt with, too. Your conversation with the insurance company seemed to go really well this morning. Don’t give up.”
“Why not?” She leveled him with her damp hazel eyes. “You are.”
He backed away, stricken. “Don’t put that on me. You knew I was going.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I helped with the bull, got the cows wormed over the weekend. Viper’s doing better, and I put in a call to my buddy Dwayne to see if he wants some temporary work helping you out. He’s a seasoned hand, like Henry, but only in his early forties. He may be a good fit.”
“You were a good fit,” she persisted, rising to her feet. “Not just on this ranch, but in my life. Colin, I—”
“Please don’t.” He shook his head wildly.
She took a deep breath, clenching and relaxing her fists at her sides, but her tone was no calmer when she spoke. “I know you have the wedding, and I know you’re scheduled to help with the drive. But give me one good reason why you couldn’t come back after that. Assuming an asteroid hasn’t taken out the house by then.”
It was the most bitter she’d ever sounded, and he wondered whether the fire was behind the broken note in her voice or if it was his fault. He knew of two good reasons he couldn’t be here: her and Evan. They were both stealing his heart, and he couldn’t protect it from further damage if he allowed that to happen.
“Don’t you feel anything for me?” she pressed.
It was the worst thing she could have said.
“Of course I do! But I don’t want to, Hannah. If you or Evan had been... You could have...” He couldn’t voice the words. His brain skittered away from even thinking them. Since last night, some part of him had been curled into a ball, rocking back and forth in a dark corner of his mind, trying to numb itself instead of allowing him to think about the possibilities. He didn’t have to impress Hannah; he merely had to cope.
She took his hand. “The worst didn’t happen. I don’t have so much as a twisted ankle this time. We’re okay.”
/>
I’m not. For the past week, living on optimism he’d borrowed from her, he’d thought maybe he could be. But it was time to return the rose-colored glasses to their rightful owner. Colin had lost both his parents, his wife and his son. He would not voluntarily put himself in a position to lose anyone else.
No matter how much he loved her.
* * *
HANNAH HAD BEEN through a lot since the day she and Evan had moved onto the ranch. Plumbing disasters, the guilt of Henry being injured by an animal she owned, a damn fire for cripes’ sake. But none of it had been as difficult to endure as watching Colin Cade drive away on a sunny Wednesday afternoon.
She’d actually envied Evan his freedom to cry when he’d hugged Colin one final time. Her son had sniffled and whined about the unfairness of it. Hannah, on the other hand, had resigned herself to doing the mature thing—wishing Colin well and thanking him for his help.
“You may not have been here long,” she’d said, “but the impact you’ve made is immeasurable.” She wished she could have read his expression better, but it was difficult to see his eyes through his dark sunglasses. Colin was a master at finding ways to shut people out—from not answering phone calls to jumping on his motorcycle and fleeing when a situation became too intimate for him to handle.
Even his kiss goodbye had been detached, a quick brush of his lips over her forehead, nowhere in the vicinity of her mouth, as if he was deliberately avoiding any memory of the passion they’d shared.
“Hey? You doing okay?” Annette stepped onto the porch, giving Hannah a half hug. “I’ve got Evan settled with some cartoons and chocolate doughnuts, so we have a few minutes for venting. If you’d like to call your former ranch hand some obscene names, I have suggestions.”
That offer drew a watery chuckle from Hannah. But she ended up defending him. “Colin’s not a bad guy. He’s just been through a hell of a lot.”
“Yes, but now he’s putting you through a lot. As your best friend, I’m entitled to be annoyed with him. You guys were good together.”
Her Cowboy Hero (The Colorado Cades) Page 17
