And for one brief moment, loneliness made him ache worse than the cold.
Then the chill seemed to reach the place where the loneliness was, and that began to numb as well.
He began walking, choosing a direction at random. The snow-field wasn’t as featureless as he’d thought, it seemed. The flat, smooth snow-plain that creaked beneath his feet began to grow uneven. Soon he was having to avoid huge teeth of ice that thrust up through the crust of the snow - then he could no longer avoid them; he was having to climb over and around them.
They were sharp-edged; sharp as glass shards. He cut himself once, and stared in surprise at the blood on the snow. And, strangely enough, it didn’t seem to hurt
There was only the cold.
Five
Tylendel was sprawled carelessly across the grass in the garden, reading. Vanyel watched him from behindthe safety of his window curtains, half sick with conflicting emotions. The breeze was playing with the trainee’s tousled hair almost the same way it had in his dream.
He shivered, and closed his eyes. Gods. Oh, gods. Why me? Why now? And why, oh why, him? Savil’s favorite protege -
He clutched the fabric of the curtain as if it were some kind of lifeline, and opened his eyes again. Tylendel had changed his pose a little, leaning his head on his hand, frowning in concentration. Vanyel shivered and bit his lip, feeling his heart pounding so hard he might as well have been running footraces. No girl had ever been able to make his heart race like this. . . .
The thought made him flush, his stomach twisting. Gods, what am I? Like him? I must be. Father will - oh, gods. Father will kill me, lock me up, tell everyone I’ve gone mad. Maybe I have gone mad.
Tylendel smiled suddenly at something he was reading; Vanyel’s heart nearly stopped, and he wanted to cry. If only he’d smile at me that way - oh, gods, I can’t, I can’t, I daren’t trust him, he’ll only turn on me like all the others.
Like all the others.
He turned away from the window, invoking his shield of indifference with a sick and heavy heart.
If only I dared. If only I dared.
Savil locked the brassbound door of her own private version of the Work Room with fingers that trembled a little, and turned to face her favorite protege, Tylendel, with more than a little trepidation.
Gods. This is not going to be easy. She braced herself for what was bound to be a dangerous confrontation; both for herself and for Tylendel. She didn’t think he was going to go for her throat - but - well, this time she was going to push him just a little farther than she had dared before. And there was always the chance that it would be too far, this time.
He stood in the approximate center of the room, arms folded over the front of his plain brown tunic, expression unwontedly sober. It was fairly evident that he had already gathered this was not going to be a lesson or an ordinary discussion.
There was nothing else in this room, nothing at all. Unlike the public Work Room, this one was square, not circular; but the walls here were stone, too, and for some of the same reasons. In addition there was an inlaid pattern of lighter-colored wood delineating a perfect circle in the center of the hardwood floor. And there was an oddness about the walls, a sense of presence, as if they were nearly alive. In a way, they were; Savil had put no small amount of her own personal energies into the protections on this room. They were, in some senses, a part of her. And because of that, she should be safer here than anywhere else, if something went wrong.
“You didn’t bring me in here to practice,” Tylendel stated flatly.
Savil swallowed and shook her head. “No, I didn’t. You’re right. I wanted to talk with you; I have two subjects, really, and I don’t want anyone to have a chance at overhearing us.”
“The first subject?” Tylendel asked. “Or - I think I know. My family again.” His expression didn’t change visibly, but Savil could sense his sudden anger in the stubborn setting of his jaw.
“Your family again,” Savil agreed. “Tylendel, you’re a Herald, or nearly. Heralds do not take sides in anyone’s fight, not even when their own blood is involved. Your people have been putting pressure on you to do something. Now I know you haven’t interfered - but I also know you want to. And I’m afraid that you might give in to that temptation.”
His mouth tightened and he looked away from her. “So Evan Leshara can pour his poison into the ear of anyone at Court who cares to listen - and I ‘m not allowed to do or say anything about it, is that it? I’m not even allowed to call him a damned liar for some of the things he’s said about Staven?” He pulled his gaze back to her, and glared at her as angrily as if she were the one responsible for his enemy’s behavior. “It’s more than just my blood, Savil, it’s my twin. By all he believes, by all he holds true, we’ve got blood-debt to pay here - and Staven, for all that he’s young, is the Lord Holder now. It’s his decision; the rest of us Frelennye must and will support him. And besides all that, he’s in the right, dammit!”
“Lord Holder or not, young or not, right or not, he’s a damned hotheaded fool,” Savil burst out, flinging up both her hands before her in a gesture of complete frustration. “Blood-debt be hanged, it’s that kind of fool thinking that got your people and the Leshara into this stupid feud in the first damned place! You can’t bring back the dead with more blood!’’
“It’s honor, dammit!” He clenched his hands into fists. “Can’t you even try to understand that?”
“It has nothing to do with real honor,” she said scornfully. “It has everything to do with plain, obstinate pride. ‘Lendel, you cannot be involved.”
She froze with her heart in her mouth as he made one angry step toward her.
He saw her reaction, and halted.
She plowed onward, trusting in the advice she’d gotten. Please, Jaysen, be right this time, too.
“This whole feud is insanity! ‘Lendel, listen to me! lt has got to be stopped, and if it goes on much longer it’s the Heralds who’ll have to stop it and you cannot take sides!”
All right so far, she hadn’t said anything new. Now for the fresh goad. And hope it wasn’t too much of a goad, too soon.
“ ‘Lendel, I know you’ve never been able to figure out why both you and Staven weren’t taken by Companions - well, dammit, it’s exactly this insanity that’s the reason your beloved twin didn’t get Chosen and you did. You at least can see the futility of this when you aren’t busy defending him - he’s too full of vainglory and too damned stubborn to ever see any solution to this but crushing the Leshara, branch and root! Your twin is an idiot, ‘Lendel! He’s just as much an idiot as Wester Leshara, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s going to get people killed out of plain stupidity! And I will not permit this to go on for very much longer. If I have to denounce Staven to end your involvement with this, I will. Never doubt it. You have more important things to do with your life than waste it defending a fool.”
Tylendel’s fists clenched again; he was nearly rigid with anger, as his eyes went nearly black and his face completely white with the force of his emotions - and for one moment Savil wondered if he’d strike her this time. Or strike at her, that is; if he came for her, she didn’t intend to be where his fist landed. Or his levinbolt, if it came to that.
Please, Lord and Lady, don’t let him lose it this time, let him stay in control - I’ve never pushed him this far before. And don’t let him try magic. If he hits out, I may not be able to save him from what my protections will do.
She prayed, and looked steadfastly (and, she hoped, compassionately) into those angry eyes.
She could Feel him vibrating inside, caught between his need to strike out at the one who had attacked his very beloved twin and his own conscience and good sense.
Savil continued to hold her ground, refusing to back down. The tension in the room was so acute that the power-charged walls picked it up, reverberating with his rage. And that fed back into Savil, will-she, nill-she. It was all she could do to hold fast, and
maintain at least the appearance of calm.
Then he whirled and headed blindly into a corner. He rested his forehead against the cool stone of the wall with one arm draped over his head, pounding the fist of his free hand against the gray stones, cursing softly under his breath.
Now Savil let him alone, saying absolutely nothing.
Once you get him worked into a rage, let him deal with his anger and his internal turmoil in his own way, had been Jaysen’s advice. Leave him alone until he’s calmed himself down.
Finally he turned back to the room and her, bracing himself in the corner, eyes nearly closed; breathing as hard as if he’d been running a mile.
“You’ll never get me to agree to stop supporting Staven, you know,” he said in a perfectly conversational tone. “I won’t interfere with the Heralds, I won’t help with the feud, and I won’t call Evan Leshara a damned liar - but I will defend Staven and what he thinks is right, if only to you. I love him, and I will not give that up.”
There was no sign that a moment before he’d been in - literally - a killing rage.
“I know,” Savil replied, just as calmly, giving no indication that she was still shaking inside. “I’m not asking you to give up loving Staven. All I want is for you to think about this mess, not just react to it. If it was only your two families, it would be bad enough, but you’re involving the whole region in your feuding. We know very well that you’ve both been looking for mages to escalate this thing - and ‘Lendel, I do not want to hear a single word about which side started that. The important thing is that you’ve done it. The important thing is that if either side involves magic in this, the Heralds must and will take a hand. We can’t afford to have wild magic loose and hurting innocent people. You are a Herald, or nearly. You have to remember that you cannot take a side. You have to be impartial. No matter what Evan Leshara does or says.”
Tylendel shrugged, but it was not an indifferent shrug. His pain was very real, and only too plain to his mentor; she hurt for him. But this was one of the most important lessons any Herald had to learn - that he had to be impartial, no matter what the cost of impartiality was. And no matter whether the cost was to himself, or to those he cared for.
“All right,” he said, tonelessly. “I’ll keep out of it. So. Now that you’ve turned my guts inside out, what else did you want to discuss?’’
“Vanyel,” Savil said, relaxing enough that her voice became a little dulled with weariness. “He’s been here for more than a month. I want you to tell me what you think.”
“Gods.” He sagged back against the wall, and opened his eyes completely. They had returned to their normal warm brown. “You would bring up His Loveliness.”
“What’s the matter?” Savil asked sharply, and took a closer look at him; he was wearing a most peculiar half-smile, and she smelled a rat - or at least a mouse. “
‘Lendel, don’t tell me you’ve gone and fallen in love with the boy!”
He snorted. “No, but the lad is putting a lot of stress on my self-control, let me tell you that! When I don’t want to smack that superior grin off his face, I want to cuddle and reassure him, and I don’t know which is worse.”
“I don’t doubt,” Savil replied dryly, walking over to where he leaned, and draped herself against the wall opposite him. “All right, obviously you’ve had your eye on him; tell me what you’ve figured out so far. Even speculation will do.”
“Half the time I think you ought to drown him,” her trainee replied, shaking his golden head in disgust. “That miniature Court he’s collected around himself is sickening. The posing, the preening - “
Savil made a little grimace of distaste. “You don’t have to tell me. But what about the other half?”
“In my more compassionate moments, I’m more certain than ever that he’s hurting, and all that posing is just that - a pose, a defense; that the little Court of his is to convince himself that he’s worth something. But I’ve made overtures, and he just - goes to ice on me. He doesn’t hit at me, he just goes unreachable.”
“Well - “ Savil eyed her protege with speculation.
“That particular scenario hadn’t occurred to me. I thought that now he’d been given his head, he was just showing his true colors. I was about ready to wash my hands of him. Foster him with - oh - Oden or somebody - somebody with more patience, spare time, and Court connections than me.”
“Don’t,” Tylendel said shortly, a new and calculating look on his face. “I just thought of something. Didn’t you tell me one of the things his father was absolutely livid about was his messing about with music?”
“Yes,” she said, slowly, pretending to examine the knuckles of her right hand as if they were of intense interest, but in reality concentrating on Tylendel’s every word. The boy was a marginal Empath when he wasn’t thinking about it. She didn’t want to remind him of that Gift just now; not when she needed the information she could get from it. “Yes,” she repeated. “Point of fact, he told me flat I was to keep the boy away from the Bards.”
“And you told me Breda let him down gently, or as gently as she could, about his ambitions. How often has he played since then ?’’
Now Savil gave him a measuring look of her own. “Not at all,” she said slowly,
“Not a note since then. Margret says there’s dust collecting on that lute of his.”
“Lord and Lady!” Tylendel bit his lip, and looked away, all his attention turned inward. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I thought he might at least be playing for those social butterflies he’s collected.”
“Not a note,” Savil repeated positively. “Is that bad?”
“For a lad who’s certainly good enough to get a lot of praise from his sycophants? For one whose only ambitions lay with music? It’s bad. It’s worse than bad; we broke his dream for him. Savil, I take back the first half of what I said.” Tylendel rubbed his neck, betraying a growing unease. He looked up at the ceiling, then back down at her, his eyes now frank and worried. ‘‘We have a problem. A serious problem. That boy is bleeding inside. If we can’t get him to open up, he may bleed himself to death.”
“How do we get at him?” Savil asked, taking him at his word. Her weakness - and what made her a bad Field Herald, although it was occasionally an asset in training proteges - was in dealing with people. She didn’t read them well, and she didn’t really know how to handle them in a crisis situation. This business with Tylendel and his twin and the feud, for instance -
I would never have thought of this solution - desensitizing him, weaning him into thinking about it logically by bringing him to the edge over and over but never letting him slip past that edge. Bless Jaysen. And damn him. Gods, every time we play this game it wreaks as much damage on me as it does on poor ‘Lendel. I’m still vibrating like a harpstring.
Tylendel pondered her question a long time before answering, his handsome face utterly quiet, his eyes again turned inward. “I just don’t know, Savil. Not while he’s still rebuffing every overture he gets. We need some time for this to build, I think, and then some event that will break his barricades for a minute. Until that happens, we won’t get in, and he’ll stay an arrogant bastard until he explodes.”
She felt herself grow cold inside. “Suicidal?”
To her relief, Tylendel shook his head. “I don’t think so; he’s not the type. It wouldn’t occur to him. Now me - never mind. No, what he’ll do is go out of control in one way or another. He’ll either do it fast and have some kind of breakdown, or slowly, and debauch himself into a state where he’s got about the same amount of mind left as a shrub.”
“Wonderful.” She placed her right hand over her forehead, rubbing her eyebrows with thumb and forefinger. “Just what I wanted to hear.”
Tylendel made one of his expressive shrugs. “You asked.”
“I did,” she said reluctantly. “Gods, why me?”
“If it’s any comfort, it’s not going to happen tomorrow. ‘‘
“It
better not. I have an emergency Council session tonight.” She sighed, and rubbed her hands together. “I’ll probably be up half the night, so don’t wait up.”
“Does that mean the interview is over?” he asked quirking one corner of his mouth.
“It does. You can have the suite all to yourself tonight - just don’t leave crumbs on the floor or grease on the cushions. I wouldn’t care, but Margret will take your hide off in one piece. And don’t look for the lovebirds, either - they’re out on a fortnight Field trial with Shallan and her brood. So you’ll be all alone for the evening.”
“Oh, gods, all alone with the beautiful Vanyel - you really want to test my self-control, don’t you!” He laughed, then sobered, shoving away from the wall and straightening. “On the other hand, this might give me the chance I was talking about. If I get him alone, maybe I can get him to open up a bit.’’
Savil shrugged and pushed away from the wall herself. “You’re better than I with people, lad, that’s why I asked your advice. If you think you have an opportunity, then take it. Meanwhile, I have to go consult with the Queen’s Own.”
“And from there, straight to the meeting? No time for a break?” Tylendel asked, sympathetically. She nodded.
He reached for her shoulders and embraced her closely. “See that you eat, teacher,” he murmured into her hair. “I want you to stay around for a while, not wear yourself into another bout of pneumonia, and maybe kill yourself this time.
Even when I hate you, you old bitch, you know I love you.”
She swallowed down another lump in her throat, and returned the embrace with a definite stinging in her eyes.
“I know, love. Don’t think I don’t count on it.” She swallowed again, closed her eyes, and held him as tightly, a brief point of stability in a world that too often was anything but stable. “I love you, too. And don’t you ever forget it.”
The emptiness of the suite almost oppressed Tylendel. With the “lovebirds” gone, Savil due (so the dinnertime rumor in the kitchens had it) for a till-dawn Council session in her capacity as speaker for those Heralds teaching proteges, and Vanyel presumably entertaining his little coterie of followers, there was nothing and no one to break the stifling silence. It closed around him like a shroud, until the very beating of his heart was audible. Outside the windows it was as dark as the heart of sin, and so overcast not even a hint of moon came through. His scalp was damp, hot, and prickly. Sweat trickled down the back of his neck and soaked into his collar. It felt a whole lot later than it actually was; time was crawling tonight, not flying.
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