I knew that day you’d changed since I last saw you. Where before you were laid back and carefree, now you were anything but, and I immediately saw the sadness lurking in your eyes, particularly when you found the pictures of Tyler. I hated myself even more, knowing I was at least partly responsible for those changes. It didn’t matter, though; you were back, and I knew whatever was happening, you would keep us safe.
In the time we were separated, I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I ever could. When you sent us to Claire’s after the incident with Tom, I felt my heart breaking again. After everything that had transpired between us before that, I once again felt as though I deserved you being disgusted with me and my lies. The night before you left for Italy was the best I’d had in years and for the first time in far too long, I felt hopeful for our future together. I felt as though everything was finally falling right back into place after so long of being out of place.
And the day of the plane crash…
Matthew, I have never felt more devastated in my life. Not even when my parents died. I felt cheated and broken and lost. We had just started figuring things out and you were gone again. I never felt more alone than I was when I thought you were gone forever. I had plans for Tyler and me to start our lives anew. I considered going to California or Florida or somewhere else where nobody knew me. When Claire found me after I’d taken off the night before the memorial, when I’d overheard her and your sisters talking in the kitchen about what a money hungry bitch I am, she told me they’d read your will after the memorial and that you’d left everything to Tyler and me. I didn’t want any of it at first. It would only hurt worse being surrounded by memories of you, right?
Something was different, though. Where after I left you, I could barely function, your death didn’t have the same effect on me. Maybe it was because death is so final whereas before I knew where you were and you were going about your life, even if I couldn’t do anything about it. Those couple months before you came back were at once easy and difficult. But I knew you wouldn’t want me moping around feeling sorry for myself for the rest of my life, so I made the most of my time.
I’m not even going to go into the kidnapping. Though I will say when I was standing on the deck of that boat with that man’s arm around my neck and his gun pointed to my temple, and looked out towards the shore to find you standing there… So many thoughts went through my head in that moment. I wondered if I was hallucinating or if I had died and found you wherever we go when our lives end. I was so happy to see you there, no matter if it was a hallucination; having you there made me feel safe and like everything was going to be okay.
When I woke up in the hospital and saw you standing at my window, I didn’t know what to think. I thought I was dreaming. Until you kissed me. That was when I knew you were real and that you were truly still with me. When I found out about the baby, I had no idea how you were going to react. We’d only been together once in five years and we hadn’t even discussed our future together. Then you disappeared again and I believed that was your way of telling me you wanted nothing to do with me or our child. There was never any doubt in my mind that this baby is yours; aside from all the precautions Tom and I took to prevent a pregnancy, I just knew. Mother’s intuition, desperate hope, or something else entirely. I don’t know, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.
The day I left the hospital was supposed to be a new beginning for us. And it was, for the most part. I don’t know why the dynamic in our relationship has changed so drastically or why we’re constantly at odds at the most ridiculous things. I’m sure a therapist would tell us we’d just changed as people during our time apart. Or that we each harbored our own insecurities that just build up our stubbornness.
Before I go on, please know that I love you more than anything else in my life. When you came back from the plane crash, I’d resolved to tell you that every single day because my biggest regret before you left was not repeating the words to you.
You hurt me, Matt. Deeply. You may not get why I’m so angry about Natalie being at our party, but I assure you I feel as though I’m under-reacting to the situation. The fact that you lied about who she was, didn’t consult me about inviting her, and then you letting her touch like you did was beyond humiliating for me. I felt betrayed and like you were flaunting an old relationship in my face. You’ve never given me reason to not trust you around other women. At least not until the party. I’m not saying I believe you would cheat on me, but the fact that you let that happen right in front of me didn’t exactly set me at ease. I’m not dumb enough to believe you weren’t with other women, aside from Natalie, while we were apart. And as much as that very thought makes me jealous enough to throw something, I can’t fault you for that. What I can and do fault you for, however, is acting as though you’re still single and your fiancée isn’t watching your ex-girlfriend hit on you. I know it’s crossed your mind that you heard Tom and I doing much more than that, but you and I were still broken up at that point.
Without it seeming as though I’m accusing you of anything I need you to be honest with me and tell me if you still have feelings for her, because it’s clear that she still cares deeply for you. I’m not forgetting what you told me last night about your relationship with her, but that doesn’t stop me wondering.
I suppose in the grand scheme of things Natalie is the last thing I should be concerned with. I think what hurts most is knowing you’d kept something from me when there should be no secrets between us. It feels like you don’t trust me enough to open up to me and share everything on your mind. We should be equal partners in this relationship, but you keep doing things that make me wonder whether this is what you want after all. When I left five years ago, I waited for so long for you to come after me to change my mind. And when you didn’t, I was left feeling you were perfectly okay with losing your family. You just let us walk away without a fight. That alone nearly killed me.
We need communication and trust or we’re not going to make it. You know that as well as I. I’ll be the first to admit I’m incredibly insecure and filled with self-doubt. What I need most right now is for you to help me through that, not give me more reason to feel that way.
After you finally fell asleep tonight, I slipped out of bed and went to sit out on the boat dock to go over my options. For most women, I think this latest incident would be enough to make them leave. I won’t lie; it crossed my mind. More than once. You can thank Claire for talking me out of that. I don’t know how to fix this, Matt. I truly don’t. Knowing you’re leaving in a few hours for an unknown amount of time is terrifying for me. The last time I watched you walk away from me to catch a plane, you very nearly never came back. I don’t even want to consider what would have happened had you actually been on that plane when it crashed. I’m scared that whoever caused the malfunction last time might succeed in causing your death this time. I’m scared that you’ll be indicted and thrown into prison, even though I know you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m scared of being a mother to two children when their father will never come back to us.
Most of all, I’m scared of losing you again. I want us to be a family more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But we can’t be a family if we’re keeping secrets from one another. Matt, I need you to let me in for a change. Don’t treat me like I’m breakable, because I assure you, I’m not. We’ve been through way too much to end like this. We’ve both suffered. We’ve both hurt each other. We’re far too stubborn to give in, but somebody has to. If you won’t do it, then I will.
I will not stick around if you keep hurting me. It feels like I’ve spent the majority of the last couple months in tears and that’s not fair for me.
Having said that, as of right this minute, I’m not going anywhere. You are my life and I will do what it takes to ensure we survive this. When you come home, I’m going to marry you. I can’t think of a single thing in this world I want more, aside from meeting our daughter for the first time.
Consider
it begging if you will, but please don’t hide from me anymore. No more secrets, Matt. We need full disclosure with one another. There was a time that you were my best friend and my confidant and everything I could have possibly needed. For the most part, you still are all those things, but it’s not the same. I want that back.
The sun is about to rise, so I should probably wrap this up so you can have it when you leave. As angry and hurt as I am with you right now, nothing will change how desperately I love you and need you. In case I can’t say it before you leave, I will miss you more than words can say while you’re away.
I love you and I will do whatever it takes to make us work. But I need your help. Please.
I’ll see you soon.
Always yours,
Samantha
––––-o––––-
I lower the letter with shaking hands, barely aware of the tears streaming down my face. All I can think about is getting somewhere so I can call Samantha and beg for her forgiveness. For so long, I knew there were things unspoken between us. I never needed her to explain how she felt about me; it was always written clearly and plainly in her eyes when she looked at me. I was aware of her insecurities about herself and our relationship, and I always tried to ease those insecurities however I could. But this… I’ve hurt her in ways no other person in the world could ever manage. I’ve made her doubt her and me and everything around us. I humiliated and betrayed her.
And for some reason, through all that, she still loves me. This woman who is my life could have so quickly walked away from me to avoid any further hurt from me, but she’s still here, apparently willing to give me a chance to fix what I’ve broken so thoroughly. I reread the letter several times and every time, I become more determined to prove myself to her. Whatever happened in our past is long beyond relevant and only now am I realizing how much hurt and resentment I’m apparently holding onto. Was I flaunting my former relationship with Natalie in her face? Certainly not intentionally, but I can see how she would feel that way.
It’s nearly an hour before I can think clearly and get my emotions in check. Somehow I’m going to prove I love her just as much as she loves me.
––––-o––––-
In the hours following Matthew’s departure, I’m in a complete daze. I operate mechanically to get Tyler ready for school, I barely recall my drive from the house to his school, then to the bookstore. Every time I’ve glanced at my watch, I’ve wondered where Matthew is right now, whether he’s read my letter, and what he’s thinking if he has read it. I very nearly didn’t give it to him this morning. When he woke me, it had taken me several moments to realize where I was and why, and all I had wanted to do pull him onto the couch with me just to have him hold me again.
Part of me regrets being so cold to him right before he left. But I said everything in my letter and before we talk about it, I need him to read it. I can still feel his arms around me when he asked me for a hug. The warmth and the strength of his body. The feeling of his lips and tongue against mine. The rawness of his voice when he told me he loves me. I very nearly broke at his words and if Leo hadn’t reminded him they were on a schedule, Matthew probably would have missed his flight altogether when I dragged him back into the house and demanded he make love to me until neither of us could function.
The fear in his eyes when I handed him my letter will stay with me for the foreseeable future. Knowing the contents of the letter, it took me a while to figure out why he was reacting in that way, but I quickly understood he was under the impression that the letter meant goodbye. I wanted to reassure him that this was not the case, but I kept quiet with the knowledge that he would understand once he red it. Or at least I hope he’ll understand.
It’s not until mid-afternoon that I get any communication from Matthew, and even then, it’s only a text message:
Just landed. Read your letter. We have a lot to discuss. I will call you from the hotel. I love you.
I don’t respond to the message, knowing he’s probably not expecting me to. I try to read between the lines of the short text he’s sent me until I realize there are no lines to read between. There is no indication of how he feels about my letter, good or bad, and I’m suddenly nervous.
An hour later, the store phone rings and I answer it mechanically, assuming it’s probably Bonnie checking in on me. I’m met with a brief silence on the other end of the line before the caller speaks.
“Hi,” Matthew says softly.
My heart jumps into my throat. “Hi,” I whisper back. “I take it you’re at the hotel?”
“Yes,” he responds. We’re both silent for a few moments while I wait for him to say something, anything, to set me at ease again.
When he doesn’t, I tentatively speak. “How was your flight?”
He sighs heavily on the other line and lets out a puff of humorless laughter at the end. “Longest flight of my life,” he says wryly.
“Oh.”
“I mean, the flight itself was fine, but I’ve never wanted a plane to land so badly in my life. I spent most of it in tears after reading your letter and I’ve been desperate to get somewhere we could actually talk without interruption.”
My eyebrows shoot up at his words. To my knowledge, Matthew has only ever cried one other time in my memory: the day Tyler opened his eyes and looked at us for the first time. I immediately feel guilty for making him cry again from my letter. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “That wasn’t my intention.”
“Please don’t apologize, Sam,” he begs. “I’m the one who should be saying I’m sorry. You have done nothing wrong and I cannot tell you how shitty I feel for making you hurt like this. I have no idea why you put up with me day in and day out. I don’t deserve you or your love, and I wish there was a way I could show you exactly what it means that you’ve given me both. I’ve been thinking for hours what to say to you and I still can’t find enough words. All I know is that I’m in Germany about to face charges of homicide that, even if I’m found innocent, could cause me to lose my company and everything I’ve worked for in my adult life, and as frightening as that prospect is, it’s nothing compared to the thought that I could lose you as well. I’m an idiot, Samantha, and the way I’ve treated you this weekend is abysmal.”
He takes a deep, shuddering breath and I think I hear a sound like rustling papers. “You asked me to be honest with you about my feelings towards Natalie. And you mentioned that you love Tom for being there for you when you needed someone, but that he couldn’t replace me. Well, that’s how I feel about Natalie. Yes, I care for her as a friend, but that’s the extent of it. I don’t know whether she harbors deeper feelings for me, but it wouldn’t matter if she did: I’m marrying you, Sam. Not her. Not anybody else. You and Tyler and our baby are my life. I’m nothing without any of you. And I’m going to prove that to you somehow.”
I have tears streaming down my face now, but I’m smiling. “That’s all I want,” I tell him. “I’m not giving up on you now or ever, Matt. I hope you know that.”
“I do know,” he assures me. “I know now. Listen, I have to meet my legal team right now, but I wanted to talk to you first. I’ll call you again before you go to bed. In the meantime, I love you more than I can even comprehend. And I have every intention of coming home to you as soon as possible.”
“Damn right you do,” I say, choking out a laugh. He chuckles softly. “And I love you too. Go to your meeting. I’ll talk to you later.”
After another minute or so of telling each other I love you, we finally hang up and I go about the rest of my afternoon with a much lighter heart than the one I woke with. At three o’clock, my replacement Sarah arrives to take over and I leave to pick up Tyler. Our evening is pleasant, even though I wonder how things are going with Matthew. I’m waiting eagerly for his call even as I put Tyler to bed. I don’t know how late it is in Germany, but I know it won’t matter; he has a habit of staying awake most of the night just so he can talk to me before bed. And given our
current situation, I fully expect that’s what he’s doing.
In order to distract myself, I head into his office and check my email. I have a couple from my sister telling me that she’ll be at the wedding, but our older brother Jimmy is absolutely refusing to attend. That hurts, though given the last encounter between Jimmy and Matthew, I can’t say I’m honestly surprised. There’s one from Bonnie reminding me of a shipment to the store on Friday morning. And there’s one from an email address I don’t recognize. With a raised eyebrow, I open the message that has no subject line or body, only a video attachment. I debate for a minute or two about whether I should open it—for all I know, it’s some sort of virus that will destroy everything on Matthew’s computer. I run it through his anti-virus software and it comes up clean, so I open it. And I immediately wish I hadn’t. I watch the entire video all the way through, feeling more ill with every second that ticks on. Faintly, I hear Matthew’s desk phone ringing, but I’m frozen in place unable to do anything but watch and feel my world falling apart again.
8
My first day in Germany was about what I expected: Locked in a room with a table surrounded by lawyers, plane crash specialists, federal agents, including Marcus West, and endless questions. For the most part, I think it went pretty well and my legal team is convinced this will end soon. The best thing I’d done the day of the crash was to not investigate the reason for the mismatched screws on the engine panel. If I had and saw something actually wrong with the plane, then took off running like I did, I’d be in jail already. I know they’re suspicious of my gut feeling that something wasn’t right, and how I left without warning anybody. A warning would have saved six lives that day, but I don’t know what sequence of events that would have triggered. The person who sabotaged the engine could have found me later and shot me in the head. They could have arranged for Samantha and Tyler to have been hurt or killed. That wasn’t a chance I was willing to take.
Young Revelations (Young Series) Page 11
