I thought we would have years to ourselves. Of course I wanted a family with you; the thought of you having my child was the most incredible, fantastical thing I could ever imagine. And the day you gave me the opportunity to be a father was beyond explanation. That you thought I would be angry makes me wonder if I’ve ever given you reason to believe that; if I had, I’m so sorry. I think you know I was initially wary of becoming a father, because all I knew about being one came from watching my own. From a young age, I was determined not to be like him; I wanted to be there for my child. I never wanted to force my child to become something he didn’t want to be or fear and resent me. I wanted to be worthy of being the father of your child, our child.
Despite his very rough beginning, I fell in love with our son the moment I set eyes on him. There was nothing I would not do for him. Those first few weeks were more difficult than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I had to come to the conclusion that I had absolutely no control over whether Tyler came home with us. It was up to him, and there were times I didn’t think he would be strong enough. I can’t tell you how many times I sat beside him crying my eyes out to whomever might be listening to make him strong enough, because I wasn’t sure I could survive losing him, and I certainly didn’t want to see you hurting even more than you already were. The day he opened his eyes and smiled at us gave me so much hope for our future. I underestimated that little boy’s strength, and the effect he had on me. He made me want to be a better person—for him and for you.
Our three years together were nothing short of amazing. It wasn’t always easy—we’re both very stubborn, very independent people—but somehow we always made it work. Until the attack.
Samantha, I’ve never been one to believe the clichés of lives flashing before your eyes when you’re approaching death, but I swear to you, the moment that bomb went off, everything I saw in my mind’s eye was about you and Tyler. In that moment, I didn’t think I’d ever see either of you again, and I was so afraid of what would happen to you if I didn’t survive. The pain I suffered was subsidiary to that. I don’t have much memory of anything until I woke up in the hospital and saw you sitting beside me. You were the most beautiful sight in the world—and I’m laughing a little right now, knowing you’re horrified by that. Yes, you looked as though you hadn’t slept in weeks, and you were pale and thin, but you were mine and you were with me. I remember the first day you brought Tyler to see me while I was in the hospital and the way he looked at me with those wide eyes and huge smile. I remember him reaching for me, wanting me to hold him, and when I couldn’t because of my injuries, I remember him bursting into tears. I have never felt so useless in my life. I wanted that boy in my arms more than anything and I couldn’t have that.
I was angry, frustrated and a hundred other negative emotions. When I was finally released from the hospital, I didn’t know how to adjust knowing I couldn’t just go back to doing everything I had done before. The physical therapy for my arm was pure hell and I know it hurt you to watch me in pain. I tried to hold most of that back because I didn’t want you hurting. Doing that, I turned mean. I said things to you during that time that were hateful and spiteful, and I’m still horrified by my treatment towards you. All you were trying to do was take care of me and I resented you for that because I was supposed to be the one taking care of you, not vice versa.
I know I apologized for that upwards of a million times, but I truly am so very sorry for any hurt I caused you. You didn’t deserve that, Samantha, and I would kill anybody who ever treated you in that manner.
After the attack, everything changed, and I’m not just talking my injuries. Before that, I believed I could keep my family safe from anything; I was forced to face the realization that I couldn’t. I know you were scared about what might happen if the threats moved closer. I was scared, too. I had to realize that if I was truly determined to keep you and Tyler safe, I might have to let you go. Believe me, it was not an easy decision to make. And in the end, I left the decision up to you. I told myself I would abide by whatever you decided, whether or not that meant leaving me. When you yelled at me for even suggesting you leave, I was incredibly relieved. I thought everything would be fine. And then you changed your mind, and I’ve never been more devastated by anything. I very much regret not spending those last few days with you and Tyler, but I was afraid that if I did, I would be on my knees begging you to stay with me, which went against my promise to you.
The night you left I didn’t even say goodbye. I stood at my office window and watched Leo back the car down the driveway. That was when the reality of the situation kicked in, and I realized what an idiot I was being by letting you walk away from me. I chased the car all the way to the end of the driveway, shouting for you to stop. Obviously you didn’t hear or see me.
In the coming days, I made arrangements for Tyler’s trust fund, and began the divorce proceedings. The weeks and months following are, in complete honesty, entirely a blur. I was drinking morning, noon, and night. I could barely function. I was probably about to kill myself if I kept on that road. I wanted you back. I wanted to hate you for abandoning me. I was self-destructing and the day our divorce was final, I went out, and found the first girl that seemed even the slightest bit interested in me.
Natalie came along eventually, and for the first time in far too long, I thought I could recover from the hell I felt at losing you. I know this is absolutely the last thing you want to read about right now, all things considered, but Natalie did a lot for me. She taught me to cook. She made me realize what I’d been doing to myself since I lost you. It took me six months to realize I was constantly comparing her to you mentally. When I ended things with her, I still wasn’t back to normal, but I could actually see myself getting there. I knew I would never get over you, despite the fact people kept telling me I needed to. You would always be in my heart and on my mind no matter what I did.
Having you back in my life over the last few months has been… I’m looking back through this letter trying to find an adjective I haven’t already used and I’m not succeeding. Having you back has been a dream come true. I assumed we would go right back to the way we were before, so in love that nothing could stop us. I assumed wrong. What I didn’t realize is how drastically we’ve changed during our time apart. As much as we know about each other, we don’t know each other as well as we once did. I think that’s why we’ve been arguing so much. We have bouts of intense happiness and then one of us does something to hurt the other, and we’re left wondering whether we’ll ever get through it.
I cannot tell you how much the night before I left for Italy meant to me. My only intention that night was to let you know I wasn’t giving up, and that I wanted you in my life, however you would take me. I didn’t care about what Saunders thought about me. I didn’t care about what your brother or my dad or my sisters thought, All I cared about was you and Tyler.
The last thing I wanted was to leave you again, especially after making love with you after far too long. I had intended to wrap my business up in Italy quickly, get rid of the threat against us, come home to you, and figure out where to go from there. I wanted to take you and Tyler away, just the three of us, so I could get to know you both again. As we both know, that’s not how things went. I suppose by know I should realize nothing goes according to plan.
Leo and I had no idea what we were in for when we arrived in Russia. We were met with semi-automatic weapons, swept away in a truck with darkly tinted windows, and taken to an abandoned warehouse. We were threatened repeatedly. And we were used to that. What we weren’t used to, or at least what I wasn’t used to, was listening to the threats against you and Tyler. I will not go into detail now, or ever, about what they said to me, but I will say I had no doubt in my mind they would follow through. Leo and I were able to remain our cocky selves for a while; even convincing them the chip was back in Italy. They agreed to let me fly back to retrieve it, but I had to leave Leo behind as collateral. What I didn’t
realize at the time was that they were never convinced I was going to retrieve the chip from Italy; they knew it was a bluff and they believed getting rid of me might get them what they wanted.
Hence the sabotage that caused the plane to crash.
Aside from the fact that I really wasn’t ready to die that day, I feared that with me out of the way, they would come straight for you. Though at the same time, my belief that having me out of the way might lessen the threat against you once they realized my death meant they weren’t getting the chip. You said Leo contacted you the day before the crash. My understanding of this is that when I left, Leo was held at gunpoint, and told to call you and ask you where the chip might be, whether you knew where it was. This pissed me off for many reasons: Leo somehow got you involved; you didn’t realize how close the chip actually was; most importantly, they now knew where you were. That’s part of the reason I didn’t tell you the chip was in Tyler’s watch; I didn’t want to put you in a position where you had to lie on the spur of the moment.
After the crash, I hated having so much distance between us, but until things calmed down a little, I couldn’t even consider coming back. I want you to know that not once were you exposed or unsafe. I’ve got enough contacts that your and Tyler’s safety was guaranteed. The only time I broke protocol was when I received an email stating Frank Marone was getting far too close to you for my comfort. If you want to know about Frank, later, I’ll tell you, but now isn’t the time for that discussion. Discovering you and Tyler had been taken was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and I was beyond desperate to find you.
Samantha, I know you’ll argue this point, but the plain and simple truth is I was responsible for your injuries that night. I may not have caused them physically, but it’s because of me that they went after you at all. For that, I am so sorry. Whereas you believed you’d lost me to the plane crash, I believed your injuries were severe enough that I’d lost you. And when I found out about the baby, I went straight to devastation. Of course my first thought was that Saunders was the father. Though I was fully aware we didn’t use protection the night we were together, I didn’t think my luck was enough to make it mine. I spent days trying to figure out what I would do when you told me he was the father and I came to the decision that if you decided to go back to him, I’d support you. My only hope was that I didn’t lose you and Tyler completely.
I know I hurt you deeply during those few days that I didn’t come see you, but I couldn’t face you yet believing you had chosen him over me. Claire knocked sense back into me and basically threatened me if I didn’t come see you. I had to find out if you were leaving one way or another. To say I felt like a fool when I realized we had been having two very different conversations would be a severe understatement. Knowing I wasn’t going to lose my family again made everything I’d gone through more than worth it.
It’s now been four days since I last saw you, four days since I last kissed you and held you, and three days since I received the video you forwarded me. I have no words to explain how horrible I feel that you saw that. And knowing it landed you in the hospital only makes the entire situation a thousand times worse. Hopefully by now you’ve spoken with Claire, and she’s told you the truth. Samantha, I would never cheat on you. I value and appreciate and love you more than to betray you in that way. Yes, I understand inviting Natalie to our party only added fuel to the fire. I’ll say it again: I foolishly believed there would be no problem inviting her. We were friends, and I valued that friendship. I was being hypocritical by being so defensive of that friendship when, while we were married, I was so against you maintaining any sort of relationship with Saunders. I could sit here and say that for the last five years I haven’t had to answer to anyone aside from myself, and while that is true, I should have taken your feelings into consideration before acting so carelessly. There is no excuse for my allowing her to touch me in any way knowing you were only yards away and watching. I will say, though, that I’m proud of your restraint; if someone had been touching you like that, I’d break their fingers off.
I honestly believed I’d fucked up so thoroughly that I was going to lose you again. The letter you gave me as I was leaving… I thought you were telling me goodbye. Once I read it, however, I think I gained a new sense of appreciation for you and how you feel. I will never take you for granted again. Everything we’ve been through should have acted as a catalyst to make us stronger, but somehow, it seems to be pushing us farther apart. I know we’ve got problems that need sorting or we’re never going to survive this together. I’m telling you right now, in writing, that I am dedicated to working out every single one of those problems, whatever it takes. The thought of losing you breaks my heart and I will do everything within my power to see to it that never happens.
I want to get to know you again. I want you to get to know me again. I want to be your husband again. I want to be a father to our children again. I want these things more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in my life. My world begins and ends with you. I know what it’s like to live without you, and if I were to suffer through it again, I honestly believe I wouldn’t survive. I need you in my life, Samantha, and I hope the reverse is true for you—that you need me just as much.
I love you more than anything and I will find a way to make this better for all of us.
I’ve just found out all the charges against me have been dropped, and now, I’m on my way home to you. I cannot wait to see you again, to hold you and kiss you, and show you how much you mean to me. This will truly be a new beginning for us, Samantha, and I can’t wait for that opportunity.
You’ve had my heart since the second I laid eyes on you and that will never change. I love you. I will see you soon,
Matthew
––––-o––––-
I’m only faintly aware that I’m crying. What I’m most aware of is the heartache and confusion his letter has caused me. He’s opened up to me in a way he’s never done before and I don’t think I can tell him what it means to me. Granted it took this to get him to open up, but better late than never…
I go back to the part about his hope that Claire has talked to me and “told me the truth.” What truth? Claire hasn’t said anything about Matthew in days. She did mention over the phone we needed to discuss something, but she preferred to do it in person. Is that what he’s referring to?
As I’m carefully folding the letter again and returning it to its envelope, the door to my room opens. I stare wide eyed at it, uncertain who I’m expecting to see—Matthew, Mark, doctors, nurses. But when Matthew enters, my breath catches in my throat. I’ve never seen him look so defeated. His gaze finds mine almost immediately, and he holds it. I try to make out the expression in his eyes, but I come up with nothing.
When he speaks, his voice is so raw that I feel my heart breaking all over again. “Hello, Samantha.”
14
All things considered, I think I’m handing this situation pretty well. Rather than making a huge scene at the hospital that could only lead to my arrest, I decided to take a walk. As I walked, I tried to think about the possible reasons for some asshole to have his hands all over my fiancée and why my fiancée would allow that.
I got nothing.
I could call any number of people right now. Claire to find out if she knows what the fuck is going on. Leo to find out the identity of the asshole with Samantha. A couple other people that could solve this problem within the day and there will be no trace left of him. I could make other phone calls to have people at my house moving Samantha’s things elsewhere, then my lawyer to work out visitation to see my children. This last one is definitely not an option, though; at least not right now. What I need to do is go back to the hospital and have a very calm discussion with Samantha. The problem is that if the asshole is still there, I might end up in jail anyway. But I can’t just let this go without some sort of attempt to discover the truth. I need to hear her say the words, whatever those words might be. Then
again, she didn’t give me the chance to give my side of the story with that fucking video; why should she get that opportunity?
The answer is, of course, simple. Because she’s everything to me and I cannot let her go without a fight. If there’s someone else in her life, I have to confront that situation. How miserable have I been over the last several days thinking I had lost her completely?
By now, I’m sure she’s seen the flowers and read the letter I left for her. She’s smart enough to realize I’m back and part of me expected to hear from her somehow—a phone call or a text message—but there’s only been silence. That could mean any number of things. It could be guilt confirmed by silence. It could be she just has no idea what to say. What I know is that I feel like a world-class jackass for pouring my fucking heart out to a woman only to find her asleep with somebody else in her hospital room. I suppose it’s a good thing they were both fully dressed; I’m not sure I would have had control over my actions otherwise. That’s only a slight comfort whenever I think about the hand of another man resting protectively above my growing baby.
It takes me nearly ten minutes to realize I’m standing just outside the hospital entrance again. Taking a minute to think about whether I’m ready for this, I breathe deeply and let it out slowly, then walk inside, blindly following the path to Samantha. I nearly change my mind two dozen times until I’m outside her door. Running my hands through my hair, I push open the door slowly, silently praying I don’t see the same thing I saw just over an hour ago. And I don’t. Instead I find Samantha with tears streaming down her face very carefully refolding my letter and returning it to the envelope. I take a couple steps inside the room and her gaze snaps up to meet mine. I watch her suck in a sharp breath and her eyes widen at the sight of me. For a few moments, we just stare at one another and I try to commit everything about her to memory in case this goes completely pear-shaped. Clearly she’s in shock and unable to say anything, which means I’ll have to be the one to break the silence.
Young Revelations (Young Series) Page 20
