by A. J. Markam
“I can’t pay that back. At least not right away.”
“It is for the imp to consume alcoholic beverages, correct?” she asked.
“Yeah…”
“And the more he consumes, the longer he will be away, correct?”
“Yeah?”
She tossed the gold coin through the air, where it clinked! at Stig’s feet and rolled across the floor.
“Consider it a gift,” she said haughtily.
Stig pounced on the coin and looked at it with undisguised glee.
“Thanks, lady!” he croaked.
“Bring back the change!” I yelled at him.
“Yeah, right,” was the last I heard from him as he disappeared out the door.
15
Dinner was delicious. The meat was tender, the spices sumptuous, and the drink – moondew, she’d called it – was sweet and refreshing.
The conversation, however, was a bit odd.
“How long have you been a warlock?” she asked.
“Uh… about three, maybe four weeks.”
“Oh – so there is still hope for you yet.”
I frowned at her. “What?”
“What set you down the path of darkness?”
“Are you this rude to most people who saved your life, or did I just get lucky?”
“I’m sorry,” she said bashfully. “I am not in the habit of eating with warlocks.”
“Well, helpful hint from Miss Manners: don’t be so judgmental.”
“Who is Miss Manners? Is she connected in some way to Jesus?”
“Unless they left that part out of the Bible, no, I’m pretty sure she’s not.”
“Well… since I disapprove of your choices in life, what should I ask you about, then?”
I bit my tongue, then smiled tightly. “Why don’t you tell about yourself?”
“What would you like to know?”
In the spirit of not being rude, I decided to steer clear of why she’d been out at night by herself, talking to priests in a temple she couldn’t visit during the daytime. “What’s the name of your god?”
“Oh,” she said happily, “Yanok the All-Father, Bringer of Light.”
“Uh-huh. And… you’re an angel, so… did you come from heaven?”
“One of them.”
“There’s more than one?”
“Oh, yes – there are seven.”
“Oh yeah,” I said brightly, glad I could add to the conversation. “Like the Seven Hells.”
She made a face like I’d just farted in front of the Queen of England.
“NO, NOT like that. Not like that AT ALL.”
“Okay, okay. Je– ” I started to say, then caught myself and finished with a generic, “Dude.”
She gave me some side-eye, then continued, “I am from Silaros, the Seventh Heaven.”
“Oh, did you live next to Jessica Biel?” I snorted.
Meera looked at me blankly.
“She was a… it was a television… never mind, bad joke,” I muttered. “So – what are you doing in Exardus?”
“I am living here now.”
“Yeah, I can see that. But why’d you leave Seventh – uh, Silaros?”
A cloud passed over her face. “That is part of what I do not wish to discuss.”
“Okay,” I shrugged. “No problem.”
“What brings you to Exardus?”
I sighed. “I was aboard a ship that got repairs here. Then I had an argument with… somebody on board the ship, and they kicked me off, and here I am.”
“Was it because you drink too much?”
I glared at her. “No, that wasn’t it.”
“Was it because you are a warlock?”
“NO, that definitely wasn’t it.”
“Why did they kick you off, then?”
I gave her a fake smile. “You don’t want to talk about your stuff? Fine. I don’t want to talk about mine.”
Then I went back to eating.
She was silent for almost a full moment before she blurted out, “I was banished from Silaros and sent here to live in exile until I am purified. I go to the temple at night where a kind priest intercedes with the All-Father on my behalf with burnt offerings. I go at night because I am banned from entering the temple, and must go secretly in darkness to deliver the sacrificial fruits to the priest.”
“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Why didn’t you just tell me all that before?”
“Because it is a great shame upon me,” she said, casting her eyes down sadly.
I felt bad for her. “No… look, don’t listen to those religious types. They’ll fu– uh, mess you up. Take it from me. Besides, you seem like a really nice person. Overall.”
She raised her eyes to me hopefully. “You think so?”
“Yeah, of course.” I smiled at her reassuringly. “It’s fine.”
She smiled back tentatively.
“Just out of curiosity, what did you get banned for?”
Her face flushed beet red again, and her eyes dropped to her lap.
“It’s okay,” I said hastily. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t – ”
“Impure thoughts,” she whispered, like she was carrying the weight of the entire world on her shoulders.
I tried to hold it in – I tried, I swear I did – but finally I couldn’t help myself.
I snorted a couple of times and then burst out laughing.
She looked up at me in both disbelief and anger.
“I’m sorry,” I said, choking back my guffaws. “I shouldn’t have – sorry. It’s just – who the hell bans you for impure thoughts?”
“Yanok,” she said quite seriously.
“Oh yeah. Yanok,” I jeered.
That explains a lot about how she acted back in the bathroom.
“Well, trust me, I’ve done a lot worse than impure thoughts. You’re fine. Impure thoughts are healthy.”
Her eyes went wide. “You have done worse than impure thoughts?”
“Uh… yeah? Everybody has. Except for you, I guess.”
“What have you done?”
“What haven’t I done,” I smirked.
It felt pretty good to say it, too. I certainly couldn’t say ‘what haven’t I done’ back in the real world, not unless we were talking about over-the-counter painkillers.
Fuck yeah, I’ve done it all… Tylenol, aspirin, Excedrin PM, Motrin – both liquid gels AND caplets…
I was lost in my internal stand-up routine when Meera whispered, “Have you done… it?”
“‘It’?… Are you talking about sex?”
She gasped and put a hand to her mouth like I’d just said something beyond shocking.
I raised an eyebrow. Jesus, this chick was the polar opposite of Alaria.
Alaria…
A wave of memories hit me, along with a boatload of sorrow.
Overwhelmed by melancholy, I sighed and lifted my drink to take a sip. “Yeah… yeah, I’ve done ‘it.’”
“You truly are a bad boy,” Meera whispered.
I literally did a spit take. Just spewed out all my moondew in a cloud of mist.
Then I burst out laughing. “Nobody’s ever called me that before.”
“But you have done IT,” she said solemnly. “And you are a warlock, and you have an imp. You are a bad boy.”
I smiled and frowned at the same time. “…yeah, okay…”
“I told you my secrets – will you tell me now why you were banished from the ship?” Meera implored me.
“Well… first off, it was a pirate ship.”
Her eyes got as big as saucers. “You consorted with pirates?!”
“Demon pirates,” I said, playing it up as much as I could.
The reaction was immediate. Her entire face lit up in outrage and shock. “Demon pirates?! Those are the worst pirates of all!”
“Tell me about it,” I said, even though I was secretly thinking, Yeah, right – they’re like a bunch of muppets.
I mea
n, some are ten-foot-TALL muppets, but still.
“Um… alright,” Meera said, looking puzzled. “The least troublesome sort of pirates are elf pirates, because – ”
“What? No, it’s a saying. I don’t want you to literally tell me about it.”
“Then why did you ask me to?”
“It’s – never mind.”
She waited as I took another drink, then pleaded, “Tell me the rest of the story. Please.”
I sighed, then continued. “Anyway, the reason they threw me off was… I guess you could say I interceded with the gods, too.”
“You?! A warlock?! You would dare do such a thing?!”
I frowned at her. “Yeah? So?”
She shook her head in awe. “You truly are a bad, BAD boy.”
I made a face like Okay, whatever, and continued talking. “Anyway, I did it because I was trying to change my succubus – ”
“YOU HAVE A SUCCUBUS?” she shrieked.
I stared at her. “Yes. I’m a Warlock. We tend to have succubus…es.”
She leaned over and stared straight into my eyes. “Did you… did you…”
“Did I what?”
Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Did you do it… with her?”
“Uh, yeah…” I answered, like Duh.
Meera got up from her chair and started pacing back and forth. Her wings trembled on her back, folding and unfolding slightly.
“What?!” I demanded.
She flapped her hands like she was freaking out, then calmed herself down by breathing slowly in and out. When she finally got back under control, she sat back down.
“Continue,” she said calmly.
“What was that all about?!”
“I just… I have never known anyone who… has lain carnally with a succubus,” she said seriously.
“Yeah, well, now you do.”
“I am surprised you were not destroyed in the process.”
No, that didn’t come until later.
When she dumped me.
“Yeah, well… I wasn’t.”
“You are truly a very, very bad boy,” she whispered in awe.
“You gotta quit saying that,” I ordered.
“Why? It is the truth.”
“No, it’s not. In fact, it’s ridiculous. I’m a geek – a nerd. I’m not a bad boy.”
“Yes, you are,” she said very seriously.
“Whatever. So, anyway, she didn’t like that I was trying to change her – ”
“What were you trying to change about her?”
“Well… she kept sleeping with a lot of women, and I – ”
“SHE WAS A SAPHIC SUCCUBUS?!”
I frowned. “I – yes? I guess?”
“You did ‘it’ with a Sapphic succubus, and she did not destroy you?!” Meera shook her head in wonder. “You are a very, VERY bad boy.”
I rolled my eyes, then explained, “She liked men and women, but I was the only guy she was sleeping with. Only thing is, I wanted to be the only person she slept with, period, so I tried to get the gods to change her. It… didn’t go so well.”
Meera’s eyes teared up. “You were trying to divert her from the path of sin and destruction?”
“Uh… I don’t know about that…”
“That is why you interceded with the gods, yes?”
“Eh… not so much on the ‘diverting her from sin and destruction’ part. I just wanted her to be with me and nobody else.”
Meera nodded solemnly. “That was a worthy and noble goal.”
I squinted at the angel in disbelief, and realized that I had never, ever run into a truly crazy chick until now.
“Yeah, well… anyway, it didn’t go so well. It was incredibly painful for her – agonizing, actually – and when it was over, she found out I did it, and – ”
“How?”
“How what?”
“How did she find out?”
“She could tell by my face how bad I felt about it, I guess, and she asked… so I told her.”
Meera’s eyes were almost brimming with tears now. “You told her the truth?”
“Yeah. How could I not?”
“You are not just a bad boy… you are an honorable man,” she whispered.
“I don’t about that. If I was honorable I’d never have done it in the first place.”
“You were trying to save her!”
I winced. “No – no, not really…”
“Did you love her?” Meera asked, on the edge of her seat.
I sat there looking at her, and my heart felt like it was breaking.
“…yeah. Yeah, I did.”
A single tear slid down Meera’s cheek. “That is so beautiful…”
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t so beautiful when they kicked me off the ship and left me here and I spent the last week drunk in the gutter.”
“She was a fool to leave you.”
I had to admit, that was nice to hear. “Thanks. But, honestly, what I did was pretty fu– uh, messed up.”
Meera shook her head. “She is a hell-slut.”
I frowned. “Hey!”
“A devil whore.”
“HEY!”
“She deserves eternal damnation.”
I gave her the Han Solo-approved Finger of Doom. “YOU need to shut the FUCK UP.”
She grew slightly pale, but didn’t say anything about my using a swear word. “I speak only the truth.”
“No you don’t – you don’t know her. You don’t know what she’s been through, what she’s suffered – you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
She cocked her head to the side slightly like she had just realized something. “…you still love her!”
That made me uncomfortable. “Whether I do or not, YOU don’t get to talk about her that way.”
Meera was quiet for a moment, and I went back to eating. Then she said, “She does not deserve you.”
“Yeah, well, thanks, but – ”
“Devil whore,” Meera muttered under her breath.
“Alright, fuck this,” I said, and got up from the table. “I’m out.”
“No – wait!” Meera said, standing up.
“No, I’m good. Thanks for the food, but I’m gonna get my clothes and be moving on.”
“No – stop,” Meera pleaded, and backed up between me and the door. “Please.”
“No, I’m going.”
“Stay – please.”
“NO.”
I guess in her panic, Meera stepped it up a couple of levels.
Zero to 60 in one second flat.
“The succubus – what did she do for you?”
I stopped in my tracks. “What?”
“When you lay with her carnally… what did she do for you?”
I frowned. “What the hell?! That’s none of your – ”
“Did she…”
Meera’s gaze dropped down to my crotch.
She blushed, and then she looked back up into my eyes.
“…did she kiss it?”
My jaw dropped open.
It was such a repressed, innocent way of talking about oral sex – but coming out of an angel who looked like a supermodel, I have to admit, it was pretty goddamn sexy.
“Did she… lick it?” Meera whispered, her voice almost fearful.
I could feel my pants getting a little bit tighter.
“Did she do…”
She silently mouthed Anal.
“What is with the anal?!” I exploded.
Meera clapped both hands to her mouth and her eyes bugged out in alarm.
“I’m going,” I snarled, and stepped to her side.
She put her hand on my bare arm. I was wearing a toga, after all.
Which didn’t make me feel like much of a bad boy, I can tell you that.
But the touch of her soft fingers on my skin… and the smell of roses from her body…
“Wait,” she pleaded. “I… I have longed for someone who could… who could…�
��
The scent of her was driving me crazy, which made me even more irritable.
“Who could what?” I snapped impatiently.
She gazed into my eyes. “Who could share my impure thoughts with me.”
I swallowed hard. My pants were feeling pretty tight indeed.
I was imagining what sharing her impure thoughts might look like when she ruined it.
“We could lie in the marriage bed as man and wife,” she whispered.
What?!
I stepped back, startled.
“I could tell you about my impure thoughts, and maybe…”
She blushed bright red.
“…maybe I could even let you touch my body… over my clothes, of course,” she added quickly. “And not above the navel or below the waist.”
Not above the navel or below the waist?!
What the hell was that?! Like, a two-inch zone, maybe? At best?
I frowned. “…and?!”
She stared at me. “And… you could tell me your impure thoughts?”
I groaned. “No.”
I made to move past her, but she flattened herself against the door.
The pose thrust her breasts out against the silky material of her toga and gave me a tiny bit of pause.
“What do you want to do?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I snapped. “Now get out of my way before I move you out of my way.”
She looked both hurt and shocked. “You do not want to do anything with me?”
“No – because all you want to do is play house. I don’t want to lie around trying to get to second base, thanks.”
I shoved her out of the way and pushed open the door.
That’s when she brought out the big guns.
“I can see why she left you,” she called out quickly.
If I’d been in my right mind, I might have noted the desperation and panic in her voice.
But I wasn’t exactly in my right mind.
I froze, then turned back slowly and fixed her with a stare of pure hatred. “What did you just say?”
Her face looked terrified – but then she rallied and raised her chin haughtily. “I said, I can see why she left you. The succubus.”
I entered the apartment again, step… by… slow… step, all the while staring at her angrily.
“And why is that?” I hissed.
“Because you’re not a man,” she said, her lower lip trembling.
I got right up in her face, an inch away. “Oh, I’m NOT, am I?”
Her whole body was trembling now. “What man would walk away from a woman offering herself to him?”
