by Jonker, Joan
‘Of course I can.’ Bessie saw Milly sitting at the table, her coat on ready to go home, and wondered if by saying she wanted to talk in private her neighbour meant that what she wanted to say was not for her daughter’s ears. Well, if she was going to tell a secret, then Bessie would get hers in first. ‘Oh, Evelyn, before I pour yer tea out, I’ve been meaning to tell yer for a week or two, but I keep forgetting. I bought Amelia a doll the other week, then wondered if I should have asked you first. But yer don’t mind, do yer? After all, there’s no harm in a young girl having a doll. I had one when I was young, I still remember it.’
‘I have no objection to Amelia having a doll.’ A few weeks ago this would not have been true, but Evelyn’s head and heart were going through major changes. ‘Where is it?’
‘It’s upstairs on the bed I sleep in on a Saturday night, Mother.’ Milly couldn’t believe her luck. As Auntie Bessie had said, perhaps her mother wasn’t feeling very well. ‘And her name is Daisy.’
Bessie jerked her head towards the stairs. ‘Go and get it, sweetheart, and perhaps yer mother will let yer take it home to play with while me and her have a little talk.’
When Milly had gone, clasping the doll to her chest and looking so happy to be taking Daisy home, Bessie pulled her chair nearer the fire. ‘I could tell there was something bothering yer as soon as yer walked through the door, Evelyn, so whatever it is, get it off yer chest. It’ll do yer no good to bottle it all up. And anything yer say will go no further than these four walls.’
Evelyn dropped her head. ‘I’m afraid you’re not going to like me by the time I’ve said what I feel I must. You have never been anything but kindness itself to me and Amelia, and yet I’ve lied to you since the day I first became your neighbour. In fact, I have lied to everyone I’ve come into contact with for the last eight years. But someone has come into my life who has made such a difference, made me see myself for what I am – and that is not a very nice person.’ She raised her eyes to Bessie’s. ‘I know I don’t deserve your friendship, not after the way I’ve treated you, but I need to talk to someone who will not judge me too harshly, and you are the only one I can turn to. So I’m going to ask you to listen while I take you back more than eight years, to what my life was like then and how I have lived since.’
‘Look, I can see ye’re distressed. Why go over old ground and make yerself worse?’ Bessie asked. ‘Just tell me what ye’re upset about now, and yer might feel better once yer’ve got it off yer chest.’
‘No, I have to tell you all I’ve gone through for you to understand. I need to go back to the year I was nineteen years of age and still living at home with my parents.’ Evelyn dropped her head as she gathered her thoughts together, then began by describing her parents and how, for her nineteenth birthday, she was allowed to go out with a girl friend for the first time. Then the meeting with Charles, the whirl of social activity that lasted for a year, how he gave her everything she wanted. Then the day he told her he had joined the Army. She said he came from a very wealthy family, but gave no name. She raced through the episode before they were married, when they’d sat in the car and she had allowed him to take liberties with her because he was going away and she felt sorry for him.
Evelyn stopped then to try and clear her throat of the lump caused by unshed tears. And Bessie, who had been enthralled by what she was hearing, didn’t know whether to offer words of comfort, or leave her neighbour to get what was troubling her out of her system.
‘I’m sorry, I needed to breathe for a while,’ Evelyn said, her face pale and drawn. ‘I don’t want to upset you with my troubles, but I’ll go mad if I don’t tell someone so please bear with me, I won’t keep you much longer.’ Then she took up the story again. When she reached the part where Charles’ family wouldn’t believe it was his baby, and she was disowned by her own family and friends for having an illegitimate child, she was shaking and sobbing so much she couldn’t continue.
Bessie crossed the room to sit beside her, and put an arm around her shoulders. She couldn’t see anyone in such distress without trying to comfort them. ‘I think yer should leave it for now, Evelyn, if it’s going to affect yer so much. You can tell me the rest when ye’re feeling up to it.’
Evelyn became more agitated. ‘No! I have to tell you everything! I’ve lived with this for so long because I’ve never had anyone to confide in. If you won’t listen, I have no one to turn to. Please hear me out, then with you seeing things from a distance, you may understand them more clearly and tell me what you think I should do.’
Bessie patted her shoulder then stood up. ‘Okay. I’ll go and sit in me own chair, and as yer say, I’ll hear yer out. But as for telling yer what I think yer should do, well, I don’t feel as though I’m in a position to do that. But anyway, go ahead, sweetheart, it’s better out than keeping it in and making yerself ill.’
Evelyn took a deep breath and let it out before taking up her story. ‘When my father-in-law came to tell me Charles had been killed in action, he said I was no longer their responsibility and that I must be out of the house in two weeks. I moved from a beautiful, grand home to a six-roomed house. Then I slid further down the scale and could only afford a house in this street.’
Bessie couldn’t keep quiet. ‘May God forgive them, the miserable rotters! Fancy throwing you and the baby out!’
‘Don’t think too badly of them, Bessie, I don’t. I did at first because I was selfish and wanted to keep the life I had become used to. But I wasn’t a very nice person then. I didn’t even mourn my own husband, so I could never really have loved him. I refused to wear black, as I should have being a new widow, and did nothing but complain and whine to his father. Never once did I think how he and his wife must have suffered, losing the son they adored. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. And I was childish enough to put the blame on Amelia, always thinking if it wasn’t for her, I’d still be living a life of luxury. I have made that child suffer for my own mistakes. It is only since a certain man has come into my life that I can see what a dreadful mother I’ve been. He has helped me realise that the problems I’ve had and dreadful life I’ve led for eight years, were all due to my feeling sorry for myself. Now I see myself as others see me, and I don’t like what I see.’
‘Oh, I’m glad yer’ve met someone, sweetheart, that will make up for all the bad years. Are yer serious about each other?’
‘He loves me very much, and I can honestly say he is the only person I have ever loved in my whole life. He makes me feel special, and I’m a different person altogether from the one I was a few months ago.’
‘Is he coming to your house to meet Amelia? She’d be over the moon to have a dad.’
Evelyn closed her eyes. This was the part that would take the concern from Bessie’s face and replace it with dislike. ‘I haven’t told him I have a daughter. He is my boss at the office, and at first there was no reason to tell him any of my business. He knows nothing of my past, nothing at all. Then there was a spark between us, we both felt it. I should have told him about Amelia then, but I was afraid of losing him. Now it’s too late. He wants to marry me, and he will think I’ve lied to him if I tell him now. He’ll walk out of my life, and I couldn’t bear that.’
‘So what are yer going to do? Yer wouldn’t put him before Amelia, would yer?’
‘Bessie, I’m out of my mind with worry. I haven’t been a good mother to Amelia, I know that, I don’t have any maternal feelings towards her. It’s something I can’t help. Maybe I’m not normal or maybe it’s because of the way I was treated.’
‘Is Amelia illegitimate?’ Bessie couldn’t help but ask.
Evelyn shook her head. ‘No, Charles was her father. Anyone who knew him would recognise that straight away, the resemblance is remarkable.’
Bessie felt a little of her anger drain away. Thank God for that. ‘Then why don’t you go to see your late husband’s parents? They have a right to know, and would probably be over the moon to see her now. She i
s part of their son after all.’
‘I have thought about that, Bessie, but after the way they treated me, I don’t think I would be very welcome.’
‘You might not be, but their granddaughter would, I’ll bet! As I said, sweetheart, there were wrongs on both sides, but that should not be allowed to keep Amelia from a family she doesn’t know she has.’
Evelyn glanced at the clock and jumped to her feet. ‘I forgot she’d been left in the house on her own, I’ll have to fly. But can I talk to you again, Bessie? I do feel a lot better for having got so much off my chest.’
‘You’re welcome any time, Evelyn. And we’ll let Amelia go and play with Rita’s kids next time, save her being in the house on her own.’
‘Yes, we’ll do that, as long as Mrs Wells doesn’t mind.’ Evelyn reached the door, then put her hand on Bessie’s arm. ‘Thank you for being a friend in need. I don’t deserve your friendship after the way I’ve treated you in the past. I have been short with many of the neighbours, and I’m really sorry about that. I’ll be a better person from now on, I’ve had my eyes opened.’
Evelyn was turning the key in the door when Bessie remembered Aggie’s disastrous trip over the rug. The place had been cleaned and all traces of ashes and soot been removed. But when Bessie was in there, there was still a smell of soot. ‘Oh, before I forget, sweetheart, yer need yer chimney sweeping. There was a fall of soot when the fire was being lit, but it’s all been cleaned up. I thought I’d better tell yer in case yer can still smell it. Yer know how the smell stays in the air for a while.’
‘Do I need to get the sweep in, then?’
‘Nah, I think it’ll be all right until after Christmas. Yer’ve got enough on yer plate.’ She waited until she saw her neighbour open the door. ‘Goodnight and God bless. Get a good night’s sleep, it’ll do yer the world of good.’
Chapter Twenty-One
Bessie lay awake till the early hours of the morning, going over in her mind all that Evelyn had told her. What a story it was, almost like sitting in the pictures watching a drama unfold. She was at a loss what to make of her neighbour now. There were times in the story-telling when she’d felt sorry for her, then others where she would like to have given her a good shaking. But when it came down to it, it wasn’t Evelyn she worried about. The woman was old enough to take care of herself, and make up her own mind what she wanted to do with her life. But Milly couldn’t, and this was what Bessie was fretting over. She was eight years of age, a little angel, but she hadn’t had much pleasure or love in her life, and God knows what was going to happen to her in the future. She had grandparents she didn’t even know about, and who would probably love her to death given the chance. Perhaps they had been hard on her mother, but as Evelyn had admitted herself, she’d deserved it, after behaving badly. Whichever way it was there was no reason why the child should suffer for it, and next time her neighbour came for a heart to heart, Bessie would tell her so in no uncertain terms.
It was with this determination to protect Milly’s interests that Bessie turned on her side and counted sheep until she fell into a deep sleep.
Meanwhile, next door, Evelyn was tossing and turning. She was glad she’d unburdened herself to Bessie, although she still hadn’t told her that Philip was expecting her to spend time with him at Christmas or that he wanted her to give her job up and live in the apartment until they’d fixed a date for their wedding. And she hadn’t the strength of character to tell the truth: that she would like nothing better than to walk away from everything in her life now, and go to the man she loved. But there wasn’t much point in talking about something that wasn’t possible.
Evelyn sighed deeply and turned on her side, wiping a tear away. How was she to face Philip and see the hurt on his face when she shattered his dreams? Her own dreams, too, but she had known all along their love was doomed, and he’d hate her for leading him on. The only other option, which Bessie had brought up, was to go and see Mr Lister-Sinclair. But what if he still wouldn’t believe her, even though Amelia was the spitting image of his son? She would be totally humiliated then and made to feel worthless. No, she didn’t think she could face that. Then she asked herself if it wouldn’t be worth a try? Anything that would lead to her being free to marry Philip would be worth it. But she began finding obstacles to put in the way. What if she told Mr Lister-Sinclair who had asked her to marry him, and it came about that Philip’s family were well known to them? This was very likely, for the wealthy people of the city usually mingled in the same circles, frequenting the same parties and social events.
Once again Evelyn turned over in bed, this time telling herself there was no way out. The best thing she could do would be to make the most of the next couple of weeks with Philip, and then either pluck up courage to tell him the truth or just disappear out of his life.
When Evelyn called in the following night she didn’t accept Bessie’s invitation to sit, saying she was hungry and urging Amelia not to dawdle and put on her coat. She felt she couldn’t sit and go over her troubles again, last night had left her drained. ‘Come along, Amelia, I’m really starving.’ She thought Bessie would take the hint, but her neighbour had other ideas.
‘Rita was asking me if yer were satisfied with her work. Was the room left clean and tidy enough for yer?’
‘Oh, yes, I am well satisfied. Please tell her so.’
‘I can see ye’re eager to be away so I won’t keep yer long,’ Bessie said. ‘But I was wondering about Saturday. Will yer be going to yer friend’s and staying overnight? It doesn’t matter to me, yer can please yerself, Evelyn, but I need to know if Amelia will be staying over so I’ll know what bread and milk to get in?’
Evelyn’s eyes darted towards her daughter, putting her coat on. She hadn’t expected this, not after telling Bessie about Philip. But from the sound of things her neighbour hadn’t taken it for granted that she was sleeping with him. ‘I thought perhaps you wouldn’t want me to stay at my friend’s, not after our heart-to-heart last night. I was under the impression it may have changed your opinion of me?’
‘Not at all!’ Bessie said. ‘It’s not for me to judge, or tell yer how to run yer life. If yer want to go to yer friend’s, I’ll be more than happy to have Amelia.’ She smiled when she saw the girl’s eyes light up. ‘We get on like a house on fire, don’t we, sweetheart?’
‘In that case, I’ll be delighted to go to Elizabeth’s.’ Evelyn nodded to her daughter. ‘You have the key, Amelia, you run and open the door while I have a quick word with Bessie.’
‘If yer starving, Evelyn, why don’t yer go home and have something to eat? Amelia’s had a meal, so yer’ve no need to worry about her. But I bet you haven’t had much since yer left the house this morning.’
‘Only a sandwich, and that wasn’t very filling.’ Evelyn laid a hand on Bessie’s arm. ‘Thank you, you are a friend indeed. I’ll go and make myself something warm, then I’ll come back, for I have something to tell you that I hope will please you.’
When Evelyn knocked an hour later, she had Milly with her. ‘Bessie, Amelia asked if she could go over to Mrs Wells, to have a game of cards with one of the boys.’
‘The boy’s name is Jack, Mother, and he’s very good to me. We play together.’
‘Will Mrs Wells mind?’ Evelyn looked up at her neighbour, who was standing on the top step. ‘Shall I go and ask?’
‘There’s no need,’ Bessie assured her. ‘Like me, Rita doesn’t stand on ceremony.’
Milly didn’t wait to hear any more, she was across the road like a flash and knocking on the Wellses’ door. It was opened by Jack, whose dirty face beamed when he saw her. ‘Hi, Milly, come on in.’ His greeting was missed by her mother, who had deliberately been ushered quickly into Bessie’s living room out of earshot. She and Evelyn had come a long way in the last few days, but giving her daughter a change of name might not go down too well. ‘Yer’ve no need to worry about Amelia, she’s in good hands over there.’ And for good measure, wit
h a silent chuckle, she added, ‘Two well-behaved boys they are, and yer’ll not hear bad language in there either.’
Evelyn sat down without waiting for Bessie to ask her to. She was feeling a little happier now she knew she had the weekend free, and wanted to give a little happiness in return. ‘I won’t bore you with my tales of woe, Bessie, at least not tonight. But I have some good news for you, and hope you will take it as such.’
Bessie was thinking Evelyn must have had a good education, her English was perfect. Still, the little woman thought, it’s too late in life for me to remember to sound me Gs and me Hs.
‘I could do with a bit of good news to cheer me up, Evelyn, we don’t get much chance in work for telling jokes. If our machines stop for a minute, the boss is down on us like a ton of bricks. The only time we get a smile out of him is when he’s got a rush job on and he’s coaxing us to work either later or faster. And then he’s a smarmy toad.’
Evelyn smiled, hoping the news she’d come with would indeed cheer Bessie up. ‘I want you to believe me when I tell you that every word out of my mouth tonight will be true. I have lied before, not only to you but to everyone around here and I am not proud of myself. Tonight is different, I come with the blessing of another person’s generosity. So please hear me out before judging me. And please don’t take this as an insult, or think it’s given out of pity, it is far from that.’
‘For God’s sake, Evelyn, will yer get on with it! Yer’ve got me on pins now, so get a move on before I throw a wobbly.’
‘Well, you know about my relationship with Philip, and this is his doing. We were talking about Christmas presents, and I said how some people couldn’t afford to buy their children presents because there were so many men out of work, and even those who worked were on very low wages. He asked me how I knew, and although he doesn’t know where I live, I did say I had seen for myself that some boys and girls were running around barefoot.’ Evelyn was watching Bessie’s face for any sign of indignation, but her neighbour’s face remained expressionless. ‘He said many of his rich friends give to charities at Christmas, but he never has because he’d never really given it thought. Then he insisted I take some money from him to help anyone I thought was in need. So will you help me, Bessie, and tell me who is most in need in this street? I don’t want anyone to know where it comes from or think it’s been given out of pity. That would rob them of their pride. I’ve seen boys at the top of this street running around without shoes on, and I would like to help them.’ She was worried that her neighbour hadn’t yet said a word. ‘You’re not happy about it, are you, Bessie?’
