“Silas, no, please-”
“Ivy,” his voice almost breaks and he swallows thickly. “Ivy, I have to, you don’t understand.”
I’m still shaking my head, may hand moving to grab his shirt.
“No, you don’t. Just come home with me. Come back to the house with me, and we can tell them everything.”
His eyes go wide for a second, as I realize I’ve just said out loud what I wasn’t even aware I was thinking.
“I want to tell them about us. I want them to know, and to hear it from the both of us. Just please-”
“Let’s go, kid.”
Silas’s jaw tightens at the sound of Declan’s voice behind him. His eyes search mine as his hands come up to hold mine.
“I- I have to, Ivy,” he says, his voice like sandpaper. “It’s going to be okay though, after this, it’s all going to be-”
“It’s not,” I say pleadingly, feeling my heart start to crack. “You know it’s not.”
“Ivy, I have to-”
“I asked you once before not to do this, and you did,” I pull him closer to me, my hand moving up to touch his cheek.
“And I lost you.” The tears start to trickle down my face as I bite my lip, gripping at him.
“I don’t know if I’ll get you back this time.”
“You will,” he says fiercely. “I swear to you-”
“Now, kid.”
Silas looks at me, his eyes burning right into mine.
“I’m coming back, because I love you, Ivy.”
I shake my head, crying now.
“Please don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
I press my face into his chest, my breath hitching.
“If it’s true, then just stay.”
I look up into his face, and for half a second, I think he might. For one flash of a moment, I think he’s going to stay, and come back to my parents’ house with me and tell them everything, and love me like I know he can.
But then the moment passes.
“I have to go.”
He pulls away, and my heart shatters.
“I’ll come back, Ivy-”
But I don’t hear him. Instead, I’m pulling the necklace out of my dress and slipping it over my head.
His face breaks.
“No-”
“I’m done, Silas,” I say quickly, shoving it into his hands.
“I’ve carried it too long, and I’m done.”
I push past him, push past Declan and his goons, and go running down the docks, the salt air cooling the tears streaming down my cheeks.
37
Ivy
I’m blinded by tears as I run down the dock, so much so that I don’t even see my sister until I literally run right into her.
“Whoa! Hey!”
I collapse into Sierra, shaking my head from side to side as I bury it into her shoulder. She throws her arms around me, pulling me close and stroking my back.
“Hey now, hey…” She soothes into my ear, and the dynamic switch of my little sister comforting me almost makes me smile.
“Thought I might find you here.”
I sniff as I look up at her. “What are you doing here?” I mumble, pulling away and wiping my eyes dry with the back of my hand.
“You weren’t answering your phone-” Her face tenses as she drags her teeth across her bottom lip.
Something’s up.
“What-”
“There’s, uh…” She trails off and wrings her hands. “You should probably come home.”
I frown. “Sierra-“
“An FBI agent stopped by the house, Ivy.”
What?
Her face falls and she looks away from me.
“You okay?”
She turns back to me, a hurt look on her face. “Ivy, you’re married?”
And that’s when the floor drops out. That’s when it suddenly feels like I’m floating in free-fall, flailing at dead air as the bottom rushes up to meet me.
Oh my God.
The wind goes out of my lungs and I stagger, turning to gasp for air as I stare out at the harbor, trying to focus.
I turn back to my sister, shaking my head. “Sierra-”
“Look, I’m not mad that you didn’t tell-” she trails off and looks at the dock beneath our feet.
“Okay, no, I’m mad.” She looks up, a wry look on her face. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”
“I was going to,” I say softly, swallowing. “We were both going to, before…”
I look away again, and I feel her hand on my shoulder, squeezing me.
“Hey, I get why you didn’t.”
I look up, almost hating to ask the question. “Does Dad…?”
She nods. “Yeah the FBI guy sort of spilled the beans to everyone on that one.”
I cringe, my face going white as I drop my eyes back to my feet.
“It’s going to be okay, you know.”
I can feel my head shaking as my eyes watch the ocean roll beneath the wooden slats of the dock.
No, it’s not.
Because there’s an FBI agent at my parents’ house, telling them the things I should have told them years ago.
Because history is repeating itself.
Because the man I love is about to break my heart all over again.
And now it’s time to face the music.
* * *
“Sit.”
I nod slowly in the doorway to the living room.
They’re all here - Dad, Mom, Rowan, and Stella. Sierra rubs my back gently as I swallow and slowly move into the room, still wearing my ridiculous evening gown. I sit at the far end of the sofa, Sierra sitting between Stella and I. Mom and Dad are in their favorite chairs by the fireplace, and Rowan’s pacing the floor by the windows looking almost more furious than my dad looks.
Almost.
“Why.”
It’s barely phrased as question. I look up at my father, his eyes hard and focused as his hand strokes his silvered beard. It’s the only word he says, but it’s the only one that matters. I know it’s the only thing they’re all thinking anyways.
Why.
Why didn’t I tell them? Why did I marry the boy I shouldn’t have been with in the first place? And I want to say I don’t know the answer to either, but I do.
Because I was scared.
To the first question, I was scared about what they’d say. I was scared to have the conversation I’m going to have with them right now anyways.
But it’s the answer to the second question, too. I was scared - scared of not taking that leap with the one who meant the world to me. I was scared of what it meant to not be with the one who held my heart.
“Why didn’t you tell us honey?” Mom says quietly. She worries her hands in her lap, her brow wrinkling before she looks back up at me.
“You’ve been married for eight years and we didn’t know?”
“I was scared.” I swallow. “I was scared of what you’d say.”
“Well you damn well should have been!” My dad erupts.
Stella reaches over from her end of the couch and puts a hand on his arm.
Rowan stops his pacing and glowers at me. “You married Silas.” He growls.
I nod.
“I’m going to fucking murder him.”
Stella sighs loudly and glares at him. “Okay, everyone needs to calm down. And stop pacing while you’re at it.” She shoots a look at Rowan. “Sit.”
Dad is still shaking his head, refusing to meet my eyes.
“I just don’t understand, Ivy,” he mutters, still stroking his beard as if giving a Sunday sermon.
“Dating the boy was one thing, but marriage?” He finally looks up at me. “Marriage is a serious thing, Ivy. I thought you understood that.”
“I do.”
But we were young, we were crazy, and it seemed like the only way to hold onto each other.
I’m looking at my wringing hands in my lap, chewing on my
lip as my dad sighs heavily again.
“Ivy, I just do not understand why you’d tie yourself to a boy like Silas Ha-”
“Because I love him!”
The words burst from my lips like water from a broken damn. The words I’ve kept bottled up and held back, even from myself.
I love him.
Not past-tense, and not timidly.
Fully, fiercely, and very much in the now.
“I love him.”
My family is silent, their eyes all fixed on me.
My mother clears her throat. “You mean back then, right? When you were both too young to know what that means?”
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, my breath coming in heavy gulps as I face the music I should have faced eight years ago. It’s the music I should have faced before I let him walk out of my life.
“No, that’s not what I mean.”
My dad’s eyes flash as he looks at me, his brow knitting. “What was that?”
“I said that’s not what I meant. Not past tense, not ‘back when I was young’.”
I look up, looking right into my dad’s eyes.
“Dad, I love him. I loved him back then, and I love him now, and that’s why we got married. It’s why we’ve been married for eight stupid years.”
My dad glowers at me as he turns away. “You knew how I felt about you seeing him, Ivy. We gave that boy everything, but there’s no changing some people from doing what they were always going to do, or from becoming who they were always going to become.”
“That’s not true,” I say through gritted teeth.
“I beg to disagree!” Dad says heatedly, his face going red.
Rowan is still glaring at me, his face tight, but I look at him pleadingly. He looks away, running his hand across his stubbled chin before dropping it to the knee of his bad leg and rubbing it.
The leg from that night.
Finally, he looks up at our dad.
“Dad, you know it was me who went that night,” he says gruffly. “As much as you want to blame Silas instead of me for it.”
Dad’s eyes narrow as he shakes his head at my brother. “Oh I blame you both for that night, but I also know you were only there because of him.”
“No, Dad.” He shakes his head. “I went. My actions. Silas was there to stop me, and you know that.”
“Ivy,” Dad exhales slowly, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose before looking up at me.
“You know I thought of Silas as another son of mine. And I want to believe he’s everything you want him to be.”
He takes a deep breath, reaching for our mother’s hand before looking up at me. “But if he’s such a changed man, where is he now?”
I look away.
“Exactly my point,” he says softly.
“We know where he is,” Rowan mutters from the chair by the window, still staring at he floor and rubbing his leg.
He looks up at me with a strained look on his face. “And so does Agent Riley.”
My heart lurches into my chest as the color suddenly drains from my face.
No.
No-no-no…
I stand suddenly, stumbling, not knowing where I’m even going. I can feel the panic rising inside, clawing at my throat as the room starts to swim around me.
And then suddenly, my dad’s there - his large arms holding me, hugging me close before I fall completely.
“I’m sorry…”
“I’ve never been mad at you for following your heart, honey,” he says quietly, rocking me as I start to cry.
“I just never wanted to lose you because you did.”
My mom comes over and hugs me as well, and then the tears really start to fall.
“What can we do, honey?” Mom says, pulling me into her and stroking my back.
I shake my head. “I think I’m just ready to go home,” I say quietly.
“I think it’s time for me to leave.”
38
Silas
“Here, take this.”
I look up from toying with the black ski mask in my hand to see Jerry, one of Declan’s “guys” looking at me blankly. I feel sluggish, my head still drowning slowly in my thoughts and my regrets - thinking of Ivy, and the way I just watched her run away from me.
Something horrible inside of me wonders if this time, it really will be the last time I watch her do that.
I blink at Jerry. “Huh?”
He frowns and gestures down with his eyes. I follow them, and something seizes up in my chest.
He’s holding a gun, handle towards me.
“What the fuck is this?” I growl, finally finding my voice as I shake my head and lean away from the offered gun.
Declan snorts from the front passenger seat. “It’s a nine millimeter, kid. The hell does it look like?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You said no guns.”
“I lied.”
Jerry chuckles. “No guns? Who the fuck do you think we’re ripping off here, a pizza place?”
“You said no guns,” I say again, my voice cold and my pulse thudding in my veins.
“Look I know what I said,” Declan turns, pulling his sunglasses down to look at me. “Deal with it.” He nods at the gun. “Take the fucking gun, kid. You probably won’t have to use it anyways.”
Probably.
It’s heavy in my hand - cold metal pressed into the hot palm of my hand. I check the safety, notice that there’s a round chambered, and then double check the safety again as we pull out of Declan’s ritzy neighborhood.
What the fuck am I doing?
There’s something screaming inside of me, there in the back of that van with a gun in one hand and a mask in the other. Because here I am making the exact same mistake I made eight years ago. I can lie to myself and say I’m doing this to protect the ones I love, but I know it’s more than that. I know that deep down, I’m drawn to this. Deep down, underneath the man I’d like to say I’ve become, I know I’m still the same thing I’ve always been.
The wrong little boy, from the wrong side of town.
The troublemaker.
The rule breaker.
The thief.
Deep down, this comes naturally, and underneath the pain and the heartache and the regrets, I know there’s something else there.
Excitement.
It’s like a horrible little junky’s itch - the addiction of the steal creeping up inside like some sort of waking dragon.
And I hate it. I hate it because it means no matter what I’ve said and done and strived for over the last eight years, I’m still the same fucking dumb kid looking for trouble that I was before.
I think it was Einstein that said stupidity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. And here I am doing the same damn thing all over again. Here I am on the same path, making the same mistakes. I am exactly the same guy I was all those years ago, making the same mistakes, breaking the same girl’s heart all over again.
Except you’re not.
The voice growls inside of me, tearing up from the depths of me and making my head spin.
I’m fucking not the same dumb kid I was back then. I’ve grown up. I’ve bled, and made mistakes, and learned what it truly means to lose. Eight years ago I was an idiot doing some dumb shit with no conceivable idea of what the consequences would be. I was in love with a girl who I didn’t deserve in a million fucking years, and I thought I had something to prove to her.
I thought I had something to prove to myself about being good enough for her.
Except that was all bullshit inside my own head, and I know that now. I know now that she loved me for me back then. I know now that the only proving I had to do was to myself, inside my own damn head.
I have no idea how she feels about me now, or if she could ever find her way back to loving me the way she did when we were kids, but there’s a moment there in the back of that van, with a gun in my hand and the weight of the world on my heart, th
at I know…
I know I truly am damned and lost if I let the chance to find out slip away.
I truly am forgotten if I lose that girl again.
And I know right then that it’s time to prove I’m as good as she always thought I was. It’s time to be the man I’m supposed to be.
For her.
And I know what I have to do.
“Stop the van.”
Jerry turns to me, raising an eyebrow.
The van keeps moving.
“I said stop the fucking van!”
The words roar out of me, and this time Declan, both other guys, and even the driver shoot me looks.
Declan laughs, breaking the sudden stillness. “He’s got nerves.” He chuckles, turning to glance at me as he brings a flask to his lips. “I told you you’d gotten soft kid-”
He goes silent as the gun in my hand presses to his chest.
Jerry and one of the other guys go for their own guns, but I jerk my head around and shake it at them. “Don’t.” I shake my head. “Don’t try me.”
I turn back to my uncle.
“Stop the van, Declan.”
My voice is level, even this time, and the whole car goes dead silent.
Declan’s face darkens, his eyes dropping to focus on the gun. “Alright, listen kid, I don’t know what your play is here, but-”
“Now, Declan.”
The driver glances nervously at him, and my uncle nods. “Stop the fucking car.”
We slow and pull to the side of the road out of town.
“What’s your play here, Silas,” Declan says quietly, his eyes narrowed to slits at me.
“I’m out. That’s my play.”
Declan swears. “Jesus fucking Christ, kid!” he seethes. “We’re on a time limit here! We have a plan to-”
“Fuck your plan, Declan,” I mutter, shaking my head. “I’ve got my own plan now.”
I keep the gun to his chest as I reach for the side door, sliding it open and slowly stepping out.
I keep the gun trained on him.
“You walk away from this you’re walking away from family, you little bastard,” Declan growls. ‘And in case you fucking forgot, let me remind you that accidents happen to other-”
“Declan, stop talking.” I shake my head at him. “You’re my uncle and in the interest of family and my mom, I’m going to say this once. Don’t do this job.”
Jock: A Secret Baby Sports Romance Page 97
