"You do know me well, don't you?" she teased as she gave her a small kiss right in front of the Applied Science Building.
"Apparently not!" Ryan gasped as she tried to reconcile this new boldness.
"I like to keep you on your toes," she purred as she added another kiss and scampered away to class.
Chapter Six
The week flew by. After a fairly productive study session on Thursday night, they decided to skip their make-out session at the coffeehouse and have a snack at Sufficient Grounds since it was almost 9:30. Jamie smiled up at Ryan as she placed the cocoas and two scones on the table. "You were quite the good little girl tonight," she praised. "You barely looked up until 9:15."
"I think my anxiety is beginning to overtake my ardor," she admitted. "I've been slacking off ever since you told me you might be interested in me. And since you've changed that to a definite, it's gotten much worse. I think I'm going to have to start studying during our lunch hours."
"I can get you some extra hours," she suggested. "Both Mia and I can use a break from weight training. Why don't you use our time to study?"
"Okay, if you think she wouldn't mind. Two hours extra on Monday, Wednesday and Friday would help a lot, and if I skipped our lunch, that's an extra 11 hours a week."
"Are you okay with losing that money?" she asked tentatively.
"Yeah, I'm fine. But thanks for asking," she said softly.
"I love you, Ryan," Jamie replied as she cupped her cheek with her hand. "It's important to me that you are comfortable in every area of your life." Ryan just sat and gazed at her lovingly for a few moments. Jamie was shyly smiling at her, and the energy that radiated from them was nearly palpable. It wasn't a sexual energy tonight, but even a casual observer would have noticed the loving gazes and gentle touches that passed between them. And when that observer was one very interested Cassie Martin, the little tableau became positively mesmerizing.
Cassie had wandered in to pick up a coffee on her way home from the library. She had placed her order and was just standing around waiting when she caught sight of them in her peripheral vision. Jamie's increasing comfort level was clearly allowing her to be more open with her affections, but tonight's display was probably a little farther than she would have gone had she been thinking clearly.
Ryan had purchased a chocolate chip and a strawberry scone. Jamie made a show of eating the chocolate one all by herself, but Ryan continually begged for a bite. "Okay, you can have a bite," she relented. "But I get to have portion control. Your bites are as big as my meals!"
"Okay, Ms. Stingy. Break me off a piece."
Jamie tore off a small piece and instructed, "Open up."
Through her wide smile, Ryan opened just wide enough for Jamie to pop the morsel into her mouth. But her reflexes were way too quick for her partner, and she caught her thumb between her teeth before she could extract it. She sat there grinning like a Cheshire Cat, holding the thumb gently between her white, even teeth.
"Release," Jamie ordered, repeating the command Ryan gave Duffy when he picked up a bit of trash from the street. She patted Ryan's pink cheek and added, "Good girl."
The game was too much fun for Ryan to let it go, so she held up her scone with an inquisitive look. Jamie nodded slightly and opened her mouth. But instead of biting, she chose the more loving path of firmly sucking Ryan's finger into her warm mouth. They both closed their eyes at the sensual contact and as Ryan pulled her finger out, she turned her hand and held Jamie's chin in her fingers for a few loving moments.
To avoid fainting or screaming Cassie turned and nearly ran out the door, leaving her coffee unclaimed.
Jamie strolled back into the house at around ten. Her hair was a little mussed from Ryan's fingers running through it, but her clothing was straight and she looked completely normal--unlike some nights when she looked like she'd just crawled out of bed. She noticed the light in the kitchen, and she walked over to turn it off before heading up to bed. When she swung the door open, she was surprised to find both of her roommates huddling at the table with anxious looks on their faces.
"What's up?" she asked with trepidation, afraid that something tragic had happened.
"We need to talk to you, Jamie," Cassie replied firmly.
"W…what about?" she asked, with a twinge of panic beginning to form in her stomach.
"Sit down," Cassie ordered. Jamie glanced at Mia and saw that her friend looked concerned but much less angry than Cassie. With growing anxiety, she pulled out a chair with nearly numb fingers and sat down, waiting for them to begin.
"We want to know what's going on with you, Jamie," Cassie began. "You've been gone nearly every minute of the day; you were gone over a couple of weekends when you were not at your parents'; and you just seem very different."
"Nothing's going on," she lied, feeling trapped and very defensive. "I've just been really busy."
"Who are you spending your time with?" Cassie persisted. "Are you dating someone?"
"No, I'm not," she lied again, feeling worse by the minute.
"Then where were you two weekends ago? Or last Saturday for that matter? We were worried about you when you didn't come home."
"I went to Stinson Beach two weeks ago," she said, at least telling the truth about one part of her life. "And I stayed in the city last week since I had too much to drink. I didn't realize that you wanted a full report on all of my activities. Are you going to start calling to tell us when you're staying at your boyfriend's?"
"That's an entirely different matter," she said. "When I'm not here, you know I'm with Chris. But when you're gone, we have no idea where you are. You could be hurt or injured, and we wouldn't even know where to start looking for you!"
Jamie looked from Cassie to Mia and back again. "Do you normally spend your evenings discussing where I might be? I thought my days of captivity were over once I broke up with Jack!"
"He broke up with you," Cassie sweetly reminded her. "And no, we do not normally discuss your social life, but we're both worried about you, Jamie. We both believe that woman is a very dangerous influence on you, and we want you to be safe."
"What are you talking about?" she fumed. "Ryan hasn't been over here for weeks!"
"Jamie," Cassie said as she gentled her voice and placed her hand upon Jamie's arm, "it's obvious that you're spending all of your time with her. We're concerned about you. People are going to start believing you're like her."
"I just wish I was like her!" she screamed in frustration and anger. "If I was half as nice or half as sweet or half as thoughtful, I'd be the happiest person in the whole fucking world!" She leapt to her feet and started to turn for the door when Cassie's cold, flat voice knocked her back into the chair.
"I saw you, Jamie. I saw you with her tonight. And I and every other person at Sufficient Grounds thinks you are just like her."
Mia rushed to try and help out. She put her hand on Jamie's and said, "Tell us, Jamie. We want to help. If you're confused or unsure about your feelings, maybe we can help you work through them."
Rebuffing Mia's soothing words she turned to Cassie with fire in her eyes and demanded, "Tell me what you saw, Cassie. Lay out your overwhelming evidence of my perversion!"
Cassie blinked a couple of times and looked a little unsure, but she rallied.
"I saw you feeding each other," she said with a hint of disgust.
"You most certainly did not!" Jamie cried. "You saw us giving each other bites of our scones. We were just fooling around." She turned to Mia and said, "You know how playful Ryan is. She was acting like she was going to eat my hand when I gave her a bite."
Mia looked terribly uncomfortable but she replied, "Um…when I give a girl a bite of my food, I tend to just hand it to her. I don't normally put it in her mouth."
"I had a gooey chocolate chip scone. As a polite gesture, I pop it into my friend's mouth to save her from getting chocolate on her hands. She playfully bites my fingers because she's a very playful person. And
that scenario makes me what…a lesbian?"
"Yeah, that would probably be enough," Cassie decided. "Given how you were looking at each other, that would probably be enough."
"Now you interpret my facial expressions! What's wrong with you, Cassie?"
"Nothing is wrong with me, Jamie," she said coldly. "When you fed her, it could have been play. But when she fed you…" she shook her head slowly, a sour look on her otherwise attractive face.
"She did not feed me!" she yelled.
"She certainly did feed you, Jamie. And you sucked her fingers into your mouth like they had been there, and many other places on your body, hundreds of times."
"That is a lie!" she growled as she jumped to her feet and leaned over Cassie with a menacing stare. "I have never had her fingers in my mouth or anywhere else on my body! I resent every nasty implication of your fevered imagination, Cassie. Not all lesbians are predators! Not all lesbians have to force unwilling straight women to sleep with them. And not all people who claim to be your friends really are!" She turned so forcefully that her chair fell against the floor and skidded a few feet before sliding to a stop. Kicking it out of her way, she stormed out of the kitchen, leaving both women to stare after her in shock.
Every fiber of her being urged her to call Ryan, but she knew that they would be up for hours discussing the issue and she just didn't have the heart to take that much sleep from her poor partner. An insistent little voice reminded her the other reason for her reticence. You completely betrayed her, Jamie, she repeated over and over again. You made it sound like she was just a friend, and you denied every shred of your love. How do you think that will make her feel?
A soft knock startled her out of her musings, and she tried to gather herself for another onslaught as she muttered, "Come in."
Mia poked her head in and asked, "Can I come in?"
She nodded her head and scooted up on the bed to give her friend some room. But Mia chose to pull the desk chair over and sit facing the back of the chair as she leaned it over on the back legs. "I'm so sorry that all came out like that, Jamie. Cassie dragged me down to the kitchen not ten minutes before you got home. She was in the midst of explaining what she saw when you came in. I never would have agreed to gang up on you like that."
She returned her sincere smile and said, "Thanks Mia, it really did make it harder to think you two were both against me."
"I'm not against you at all, Jamie," she said as she forced eye contact. "And I like Ryan, too…"
"But…" Jamie supplied.
"But I have a hard time thinking Cassie made that all up.”
"Oh Jesus, I thought you were on my side!"
"I am on your side. I really am. But if you're going through some big changes, I want to be there to help you, Jamie. I'm your friend, and I promise I will not judge you. Please be honest with me."
Jamie took a deep breath and regarded her friend carefully. They had been friends since they were freshmen in high school, and she knew things about Mia that would remain with her to the grave. They had always been close, but they had become even closer since they'd come to Cal nearly three years before. She tried to allow all of these reassuring thoughts to affect her answer but, almost to her own shock, she heard herself say, "She's wrong Mia. Cassie just has an irrational hatred of Ryan that allows her to see things that just are not there."
Mia looked truly sad as she stood and returned the chair to its proper place. "Okay, Jamie. I believe you. Sorry for everything that happened tonight." She bent over and kissed her friend on the forehead, ruffling her short hair affectionately as she stood.
"Mia," she said, stopping her friend in her tracks.
"Yeah?"
"Would you mind if Ryan took a couple of weeks off from training? She's having a tough time keeping up this term, and she really needs time to study."
"No, that's okay," she said in an uncharacteristically flat tone. "I should study more too. Should I call her?"
"I can tell her. We uh…see each other since our classes are close to each other in the morning."
"Okay. 'Night Jamie," she said as she closed the door behind her.
Jamie flopped down on the bed and began to berate herself for compounding her betrayal of one friend by lying to another. But using one of the tricks she had perfected through years of dating men, she closed her mind to all of the internal dialogue and forced herself into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Ryan was pacing around on the corner when Jamie came barreling out of the house at 7:15 the next morning. "Are you okay?" Ryan asked with evident concern.
"Yeah, yeah, just running late. I didn't hear the alarm this morning."
They took off, needing to walk quickly to make it to class on time. Jamie felt terribly guilty that Ryan would not get breakfast so as they passed the long line at Sufficient Grounds she ran inside, waved a ten-dollar bill and pulled three scones from the covered tray on the counter. The clerk gave her a puzzled look, but she merely replied, "Tip," as she ran back out to her companion.
Ryan shook her head as she accepted the scones. "What did these cost you?"
"$10. You're worth it," she said sincerely. "I have to make sure you have enough fuel to get you through your…what development class?"
"Neuronal development," Ryan supplied.
"Right. You must need extra fuel to study something I can hardly pronounce." She knew that her affect was off today, so she compensated by being overly cheery. But she knew that every moment with her hyper-alert partner would lead her one step closer to exposure. Obviously she had to tell Ryan what had happened, but she needed some time to get a handle on her betrayal before she would be able to withstand the look that was sure to form on Ryan's sweet face.
As she munched on the first of her scones Ryan said, "So we finally get a couple of days off. How do you want to spend them? Hey, I know, why don't you come stay the weekend? We can't sleep together, but we could have lots of uninterrupted kissing time." Ryan waggled her eyebrows in an exaggerated fashion while pasting a hopeful smile on her face.
Jamie had not planned on making the statement that came from her mouth, but she heard someone say, "I think I'll go down to Hillsborough for the weekend. My mother is leaving in two weeks and she'll be gone most of the summer. I feel like I owe them a little bit of my time."
"Okay," Ryan said, trying to hide her disappointment. "Do you want me to come down for our ride on Sunday? We could do some of the long trails."
"No, I think I'll study in the afternoon, and I'm sure my dad will want to play golf in the morning. If I'm going to go, I should give all of my time to them."
"Oh…all right," Ryan said a little uneasily. "What about tonight? You won't want to get stuck in traffic will you?"
"It's not really that bad. I think I'll leave right after I see Anna so I can beat the rush."
"Oh, so you don't want to work out?" she asked, now even more tentatively.
"No, I'd better get going. Oh, and I talked to Mia, and she said she didn't mind skipping for a couple of weeks. Actually she'll be leaving for L.A. as soon as finals are over, so you can just pick up in the fall."
"All right," Ryan replied with a very concerned look on her face. "Um…Jamie," she began, but they were right in front of Jamie's classroom building so she gave her partner a gentle hug and whispered, "I'll miss you, Ryan. I love you very, very much."
"I love you too," she got out, but before she could utter another word Jamie was scampering up the steps.
I don't know what she's hiding, but it must be a doozy, she thought as she shook her head and continued on her way.
She sat in Anna's office, head in hands as she berated herself for all of her betrayals. "I denied her, Anna," she moaned. "I claim to be so much in love with her, and the first time anyone questions me, I deny her completely."
"Jamie, Jamie," she soothed. "Being angry with yourself is just going to make the feelings last longer. Try to pull back a little to feel some compassion for yourself."
> "Why do I deserve compassion?" she demanded as her head shot up and she leveled a withering glare at Anna. "It's Ryan that deserves compassion. She's the one who was betrayed!"
"Jamie, you did not betray her. You just refused to be baited by one person who has proven that she is not your friend. Once you made that choice, you felt trapped and you didn't want to be fully honest with Mia either. But you did not harm Ryan."
"But I feel like I harmed our love," she insisted.
"You don't think your love is resilient enough to withstand a lie to a woman who only wants to intrude on your business? Come on, Jamie, you can't really think that, can you?"
"No, I guess not," she admitted. "But Ryan is so precious to me, and she's so fragile sometimes. She was hurt so badly by the first woman that she fell in love with and I feel like I've done the same thing."
"What happened to Ryan?"
"She was in love with a classmate and she thought her feelings were returned. She made some overtures that she thought were accepted, but in fact the woman told her mother and other people at school and they all turned on Ryan. They nearly destroyed her self-confidence, and they ruined many of her plans for the future."
"And you equate telling Cassie that you are not lovers with that type of betrayal? Do you think you might be being just a tiny bit hard on yourself?"
"I guess maybe I am being hard on myself. But Ryan deserves someone who will shout their love from the rooftops, not a coward like me."
"I think Ryan gets to choose the type of lover she wants, and I'm pretty sure she's chosen you. Why don't you share what happened with her. I bet she's a lot more understanding than you think she will be."
"I will tell her. But I need to spend some time examining my motivations for having lied in the first place. I'll do that this weekend. Let's talk about this some more on Monday, and then I'll talk to her on Monday night."
She stopped by her house to grab some books and ran into Cassie coming down the stairs. They regarded each other warily, like natural enemies in the wild. Cassie backed down the stairs and said, "Now that Mia's not here I really think you ought to come clean, Jamie. I know you don't believe me, and I've got to admit that it really hurts. I only want to help you get through this obviously confusing time. I've known you since grammar school, Jamie. We've grown up together and I know that you're not gay."
Beginnings - SF2 Page 12
