How I Fall

by Anne Eliot

  “Nope.” She spits that word out like she’s just thrown a punch and crosses her arms as she moves to block my way.

  I step around her again, like I don’t notice and head for the sink. The sink I now need to keep my balance. The soap will give me something to do. If I can get a really good grip on the under edge of the sink with my good hand, I will have a place to lean if my leg starts to betray me.

  Once I’m secure and balanced I will be able to deal with these two.

  “So…fun bonfire, huh?” Paige’s voice is all forced like she’s reading a script. She skips forward after I catch Bella-Jane glaring secret-evil signals to her in the mirror.

  I lock onto the sink just how I’d hoped, and turn back to face them. “Amazing bonfire.” I smile, pretending that I need to tighten the rubber band on the end of my braid as I casually add, “You two have any fun at all? Because Cam and I really loved it.” I sure don’t have to fake my smile when Bella-Jane’s mouth flies wide open.

  *Shouts, ‘woot-woot’ and high fives the air! Decides saying ‘Cam and I’ is the most fun and most perfect phrase in the whole world!*

  “So it’s true then?” Bella-Jane sputters out. “You and Cam are seriously going out? Dating. As a couple?”

  “Yeah. Wasn’t it obvious?” I make my face go all dreamy-goofy and decide to play this all gushy-stupid because that, after all, is the language these two speak. “He’s sort of had this crush on me for a long time and—well, I’m not going to lie to you because everyone knows how gorgeous he is, right?” I giggle. “I’ve also had the same crush—and during this project we both sort of told each other. Working side by side has really brought us close and,” I do the giggle again, “so…yeah.” I beam wider as their smiles turn almost upside down! I gush on, “Crazy, isn’t it? We are just so…well…you know how it is.”

  “No. I do not.” Bella-Jane moves really close to me. As a defensive move, I straighten off the sink and flatten out both feet in case I need to get away from her. “As head cheerleader, I have to inform you that you need to break up with him. Now. Varsity players don’t date during playoffs. It’s bad luck. For the team, for the players and for all of us!”

  “What?” I blink innocently. “He never mentioned that. Probably because it’s one of those superstitious things, and Cam is a really grounded guy. He doesn’t buy into stuff like that. I’m surprised you do.”

  She turns all red in the face. “Well, the coach has rules. If you don’t end things, I will totally tell the principal, the coach and everyone!”

  “Go ahead. I’m pretty sure everyone knows. I can’t imagine the principal or any of the adults we know thinking they can manage who is dating who at a high school.”

  “Well his dad manages it! So does the coach!” Paige closes in. “His dad has forbidden him from having a girlfriend at all and the principal cares even more about the team and the morale of this school, so just watch out!”

  I shrug, trying as hard as possible to make my eyes go all saucer-round, shocked and convincing like Laura does. “If a couple is truly in love has waited so long to date…” I pause, biting back a smile.

  *Notes: The words ‘couple’ and ‘in love’ are as fun to say as ‘Cam and I’!*

  Bella-Jane winced as I uttered each one! I go on, watching her face carefully. “Let me start again. When there’s a couple who’s fallen for each other like Cam and I so obviously have—parents or teammates or coaches and especially friends like you should not try to discourage something so wonderful and sweet, you know? With the way you and Tanner hold back from each other—the way he just longs for you in front of all of us—yet you hold so strong?” I shake my head. “I thought you, of all people, would understand how hard it is.”

  “What? Don’t even bring up Tanner Gold to me,” Bella-Jane stutters. “I do not like that guy.”

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to deny it here. I’m safe.” I blink and make my face go sad, deliberately misunderstanding her upset. “It’s just so hard to resist but everyone knows. I’m also living proof that if you guys decide to go for it? Look.” I hold up both of my hands. “No cuffs. No one has come to my house and arrested me. And Cam’s also fine. You don’t have to hide anymore.”

  “Awwwwww!” Page cries out. “I knew Tanner was so into you, Bella-Jane. It’s just so adorable how he follows you around like a puppy but I didn’t ever really get that you two were—just—awwwwww! And oh-my-gosh, Ellen! That’s such a cute story about you and Cam.” Paige blinks. “You two kept it so secret!”

  “For a very long time,” I say somberly. “It hurt.”

  “Wow,” Pagie goes on, “It’s so Romeo and Juliet. We’re reading that in British Literature right now.” She smiles. “Anyhow, I sure wouldn’t want anyone—especially my parents—to tell me I couldn’t date the boy I love, that’s for certain. I don’t think we should tell anyone, Bella-Jane. Not the coach anyhow.”

  “Paige! Really? The coach already knows! Half the team told him about them making out all over each other last night at the damn bonfire!” Bella-Jane’s turning all purple. “I don’t think two selfish people should get in the way of our school winning the playoffs! Every other guy and girl follow the rules and break up or do not date during the season. It’s totally uncool for the varsity quarterback to break the rules. In addition to setting a bad example, everyone knows couples cause distractions, mess with a player’s concentration and that loss of focus can lose whole championships!”

  I keep my voice steady but firm. “And that’s why you are the head cheerleader. It’s obvious you were elected for your commitment, and that’s cool. But I’m not—we’re not—as strong as you and Tanner.”

  “Stop bringing up that guy.”

  “At this point, I know if I pull back and like tell Cam I don’t even want to kiss him until the playoffs are over…” I don’t have to fake the blush going to my cheeks. “I honestly think that idea would distract him way more than me actually just kissing him a lot more. You know?”

  “Awww! Yes.” Paige grins, but Bella-Jane’s not buying in so easily.

  Instead, she pokes me in the chest with three fingers which makes me topple back against the sink a little too hard. “I never took you for a slut, Ellen Foster.”

  Paige gasps, but I’m way past breathing out and in—I’m about to hit some new and violent level of my personality that I’ve never even met yet! That girl just spit out my name like it was poison on her lips! And now her eyes are going down to my shaking left leg like I’m not even a human. “But…I guess a girl like you needs to grasp on to whatever is offered up to you, huh? Cam is just a really nice guy, that’s all. And he’s so handsome I can see where that scrambles your brain and makes you all clingy and desperate. He gives everyone prince and princess ideas.”

  I’m so angry I can hardly speak, but I manage to say, “I’m the last person to believe in fairy tales.”

  She shrugs. “Good. Then you’ll be able to see what the rest of us see. Cam’s simply taking this community service project to new levels. You’re the ultimate charity case. One with benefits, it seems. And even from you, that is probably really hard for any guy to resist. He’s eventually going to get bored fetching your things, giving you piggy back rides and being tied down with your dead weight. Just how long do you think the little Humpty-Dumpty, falling down thing you do to make people feel sorry for you is going to keep him by your side? Yawn. Yawn. Yawn.”

  “Shut-up! Just shut. Up!” I push her back with every ounce of strength my bad arm can give and she tumbles backwards. “You’re such a bully. You always have been.” I don’t even care that my bad arm is spazzing all crazy in front of them.

  Paige looks very apologetic, but Bella-Jane acts like she’s worried she can catch CP from me. Which is good, I guess, because she doesn’t re-approach to shove at me again. If she did, I know f
rom the way my left side is acting, I’d be on the floor even if she pokes me with her pinkie.

  I raise my voice to a shout, hoping the strength of that, at least, will not let them see how messed up they’ve made me feel inside and out. “Kissing my boyfriend on a date doesn’t make me a slut, Bella-Jane Jamison!” I mimic the venom she used when she said my name. “And if you’re keeping track of who’s getting around too much at this school, last I heard, all the boys you’ve kissed—and kissed a lot of them the rumor goes—they’ve never even asked you on a second date afterwards! So you might want to work on your reputation or at least your kissing skills before your poor, devoted Tanner finds out about you!”

  “How dare you—oh—my—I am, so, going to—” Bella-Jane moves toward me.

  My gaze flicks wildly to which pieces of clothing and bits of her hair I can grip onto to insure Bella Jane comes down with me when I fall; but then the door swings open and the school nurse wanders in, totally oblivious that we’re about to go for blood.

  “Afternoon, ladies.”

  Bella-Jane, Paige and I go completely motionless for a split second, then we all turn and start fixing our hair. Bella-Jane is all murder-and-threats from her mirror to mine. Paige still seems kind of stricken about what almost went down. That apologetic expression is still solid on her face, like she didn’t come in here at all to be in any sort of fight—or maybe—was she going to try to help me?

  I meet her gaze and sigh, suddenly feeling completely guilty because I’d actually almost locked my fingers into Bella-Jane’s high, fat bun with all my strength. I’d also intended to trip her somehow and force the girl down on the ground first so I could use her to break my own fall! I’d figured it was the least Bella-Jane could do for me, since she was the one who got me so stressed that every muscle on my left side is no longer responding properly to any commands right now.

  I sigh again and pull on my braid.

  It all probably wouldn’t have worked anyhow. I have big ideas about the way things are going to go—and then—yeah then, despite my imagination, it usually goes all wrong.

  “Girls, what are you doing?” The nurse pauses on her way to the farthest stall and looks back at us. “Stop staring at yourselves in the mirrors, please. You’re beautiful enough. The first bell rang a long time ago. Move along or you’re going to get tardy slips.”

  To confirm what the nurse has said, the final class bell rings. Thankfully, when I turn back to Bella-Jane and Paige they’ve whipped out the door as quickly as the school nurse has now dashed into her stall.

  By the time I limp to the door and get it open, the second bell has rung and hallways are almost completely empty. My bad leg is so rigid and cramped up from supporting me too long in the same position against that sink that I can hardly get my hip flexor to lift my foot off the ground. My bad hand has now gripped itself so tightly that it, and my forearm, are curled against my chest and will probably be stuck there for well over an hour. It’s going to be awhile before anything gets back to normal.

  When Nash works with me this afternoon, he’s going to see the tense, banded cords and ask me what happened. I’ll have to think of something good. With a frost warning coming tonight, I can’t have Nash freaking out on me and telling my mom I’m not strong enough to do the project.

  Although I’m so proud that I was able to stand up for myself in that bathroom, Bella-Jane’s harsh words about how I tie Cam down start bouncing through my mind. They hit up against the words ‘Cam and I’ and ‘boyfriend’ like a super ball gone out of control, zipping ear-to-ear until it becomes a bowling ball I can’t silence! Even though I’m fighting against them, those words are making me question the fragile trust that’s growing between me and Cam. Is he only being nice? Is he sincere…? Would I know somehow if he was only messing with me?

  “He is sincere. He is. He is!” I mutter to myself. “And besides, I can only control myself, not him. And I am sincere. I am.”

  I make it across to the right side of the hall and lean on the lockers with my good side to rest. I vow to explain about Cam being my boyfriend to Nash and my mom as soon as the freeze is over. I will also tell them about the bullying and how I almost got into a bathroom girl-fight and how I survived it. They deserve to hear some of these details straight from me. But all that stuff Bella-Jane said about the football players losing entire games over girls? That fact is probably real and true. Which is why I’ve already decided to leave Patrick and Cam out of the loop about what just happened. I’ll tell Laura and that’s it. She’ll help me come up with a plan that doesn’t involve those two knee-jerk pit bulls hovering around, acting like they need to handle things.

  I try to make a checklist of things to cheer myself up while I make my way down this million-mile long hallway. I record the over-loud sound of my foot clump-dragging along first. The echoes always get louder when I’m near the end of it. This means I will get to rest soon—always a bonus—and since I have CP, teachers hold the desk closest to the door open for me. They never mark me tardy so that’s a second and a third check right there.

  I also note that this whole time, no one has wandered past to see me limping along and dragging my good shoulder against these dumb lockers. This means I can still say I have not walked funny in front of anyone for this whole year. I should add to my list the part where I stood up to Bella-Jane for the first time in my life because that’s huge!

  Then I think of Cam’s beautiful face and how sweetly he held my hand after lunch. He even kissed the top of it when no one was looking as he told me goodbye.

  Check. And Check.

  So, yeah! All is good.

  *Calls for applause! Happiness restored.*

  I breathe in, letting an image of navy blue and gray butterflies blur my vision to the point where I can cover my worries and doubts with the sigh. I breathe out as I pass the last locker and let both legs take all of my weight and turn the corner so I can walk the last ten feet to the—thankfully open—door of my AP Chemistry class. As soon as I make it to my seat my gaze becomes riveted on the windows lining the far end of the classroom. The entire sky is now covered with thick, solid dark-gray cloud cover. My heart flips into that excited feeling you get the night before your birthday. Sheets of sleet are already falling and congealed. Half icy rain drops are slowly dragging down the glass.

  *Cheers! Cheers!*

  Storms like this stick around for a couple of days. All I need is for the temperature to drop below freezing and to hold there for a few hours just before sunrise.

  *Prays: please, please, please.*

  Hopefully by the end of the week, we’ll have the shots we need to turn in the project on time! And by then, like Cam said, everyone will get used to us being together. Everyone will get bored and move on to other topics.

  People always do.

  *Prays again: please, please, please. Let all of this just work out for me. Please.*

  cam

  Mom passes me the phone and takes Coco off my lap to give the little dog a snuggle as she’s mouthing the word sorry. I press the phone against my ear.

  “Hey, Dad.” I work hard to make my voice sound extra chipper. “How’s Vegas?”

  “How’s my Hummer? I don’t remember giving you direct permission to use it.”

  I try to analyze his voice. He’s not yelling and he doesn’t even sound sarcastic, so that’s a good thing. I can also hear a bunch of men talking and laughing in the background.

  “Oh…well you didn’t tell me not to use it. Because you took my Nissan, Mom and I just assumed. I hope it’s okay. I’m only driving it to school, practice and back.”

  Dad says, “Hang on, son.” Then he pulls the phone away and I hear him saying, “I’ll take another brown ale—heck how about a pitcher—will some of you guys help me with a pitcher of beer?”

  I breathe a sigh
of relief. He’s in a bar. With his football buddies. Things couldn’t be better.

  “Camden. You still there?” He gets back on. “Listen. I talked to Coach who heard a crazy rumor you’ve got a girlfriend? Is this true?”

  I laugh, evading his question. “Seriously, Dad. You’ve been gone how many days?”

  “Three.”

  “And based on my previous track record, just how good do you think I am at getting girls to date me?”

  Dad laughs. “You’ve got a point. I didn’t believe it, but now Mom says you’re having girls over to stay? Overnight, and during this storm? What is that all about? Is this some sort of party?”

  “They aren’t girls, Dad. It’s my photography group.” I bite my lip and almost laugh, adding “The rumors you and Coach have heard are spreading because I’ve been working on that digi-photo project with them so much. Everyone’s seen me hanging out a ton with the Irish girl, Laura and Ellen Foster, and Patrick Gable—just like you asked me to do non-stop for the photography project.” I go on, layering on a lie, “I’ve been working hard for extra visibility like you suggested. Remember?”

  “Oh. Well that makes sense. People talk when you’re suddenly off your normal schedule—and I do want all eyes on you this year—so good job, I suppose.”

  “Thanks. And it’s working. All eyes…they seem to be on this little group, that’s for sure. Thanks for allowing them to stay over.” I change the subject, fast. “Heard your flight’s cancelled.”

  “Sucks. Mom says even if I’d made it back to Detroit, there’s no way I could have done the drive over the bridge. The highway is already closed as is the bridge border crossing. I guess school’s going to be closed tomorrow which means no football practice, so I might as well stay here one more night. Just have those damn kids out of my house when I get back. And try to get most of that ridiculous project done as well.”