Carmen studied him and then opened the refrigerator and removed a bottle of water.
“It doesn’t take a genius to know where my Kate has gone. You can catch up to her. Turn right out of the house and go for around six blocks. There will be a cemetery on your left. It shouldn’t be hard to find her once you’re there.” Carmen thrust the water bottle into his hands.
A cemetery. Why would she jog in a cemetery? There was more to the story than Kate going out for a run, and clearly Carmen wanted him to follow her. What was Kate up to? Well, there was only one way to find out. He clasped the bottle.
“Thanks, Carmen,” he said and headed toward the front door.
The biting cold December air hit him and he was grateful for the black knit cap he’d worn. He turned at the bottom of the stairs and headed in the direction Carmen told him. He didn’t like the thought of Kate out alone and quickened his pace.
At the end of the six blocks, he crossed the street and headed toward the cemetery. It was mostly dark, but the first hint of daylight teased at the horizon. He was going to throttle Kate for going out alone.
He followed one of the paths for several minutes. Up ahead on his left, a lone figure crouched down by a grave. Kate. Her head was down as though she were praying.
Edward stepped out from the shadows. “Your mother said I would find you here.”
He expected her to jump at the sound of his voice, but she didn’t.
“Why am I not surprised?” she said, rising. “Mama needs to mind her own business.”
She turned to face him, tears streaking her face. He frowned with concern.
“What’s wrong?” He removed a glove and ran a finger along her cheek to dry her tears.
His gaze moved past her to the grave over which they were standing. The name on the headstone read Anthony Joseph DiSilva, beloved son. The dates were June 1, 2007, to September 19, 2009. The name didn’t ring any bells.
“You wanted to know what’s been bothering me. Well, here it is.” She pointed to the grave, but her eyes never left his face. “Meet my son.”
Chapter Six
“Your son?” Edward repeated.
Kate brushed away the remaining tears with the back of her hand. “Yes, my son. Are you sure you want to hear this?”
He clasped one of her hands. “Tell me.”
She hated this. Hated explaining and reliving the memories. Hated that Edward may not understand and would judge her like others had or worse, feel sorry for her. But she couldn’t avoid him forever.
“Come, walk with me,” she said, pulling him away from the grave.
They strolled a few minutes in silence as she tried to collect her thoughts.
“I went to school with Mario DiSilva. My family has known his family since we were in kindergarten. He was my very first crush. We dated exclusively the second half of high school. After graduation, we both went off to college at St. Joe’s University. We married the year after graduation.”
Kate paused a moment and felt Edward squeeze her hand.
“The first couple years of our marriage were good. We both had decent jobs and were saving for a house. But after about two years, Mario got laid off. He struggled to find a job and spiraled into a major depression that led to him drinking. Then I got pregnant. It wasn’t the best timing, but we were both excited about the baby. Mario sobered up and started attending a culinary institute. Things were better for a while.”
“But they didn’t stay that way I take it?” Edward asked.
She shook her head. “No. Shortly after I gave birth to Tony things started going bad again. Tony had very bad colic and confused his days and nights. So while Mario was off learning to be a chef during the day, I tried to calm a fussy baby or slept. I was so grateful when Tony was sleeping that I didn’t even care that it was during the day. Mario would come home and expect a home-cooked meal and quiet. Then Tony would be up half the night screaming, which made it difficult for Mario to get sleep. Then we would fight, which just made Tony scream more.”
“That sounds frustrating for all of you.”
“That’s putting it mildly. I was a wreck the first three months of my son’s life. Some nights Mario would stay at his parents’ house just so he could get a full night’s sleep. Often my mother would come over after she finished working at the pizzeria to help me. She would let me sleep or bathe while she took care of Tony. She kept telling me that the colic wouldn’t last forever and I would forget his horrible first months.”
“And was she right?”
“Of course. Shortly after the three month mark everything started to click. Tony slept at night, although not through the night until he was almost nine months. It was much better, but by that time Mario had started drinking again. And sometimes he…” She paused.
“Sometimes he what?” Edward asked.
She stopped and turned to him. “Sometimes he would…smack me around.”
She stared at his chest, but not before seeing the horror and outrage that crossed his face.
“He beat you?” he all but roared.
“Yes,” she said in a whisper. Both embarrassed and uncomfortable at bearing her soul to him, she yanked her hand out of his and resumed walking at a quick pace.
“Kate, wait. Did you tell anyone?”
“Not for a long time. He was smart and never hit me in the face where anyone could see it. But I had bruises all over my body and even fractured some bones a few times. Eventually, my family figured it out. It’s pretty hard to explain why I wore long sleeves and pants in August. My brother Nick tried to get me to leave Mario, but I kept thinking it would get better. Each time Mario hit me, he’d cry and promise me it wouldn’t happen again. And I believed him because I wanted to. I was pathetic.”
“So what did you do? How did you get out?”
She fisted her hands at her side. “When Tony was two, I learned I was pregnant again. I was on the pill, but sometimes I’d forget to take it because I was so tired. When Mario found out, he flipped. He was still in culinary school and wasn’t doing well. I had gone back to work, but we had bills and his school to pay for. Money was tight.”
“Couldn’t you have asked for help?”
“I wanted to ask my parents for a loan, but the pig-headed Italian refused. Thankfully, I could breastfeed when Tony was an infant, because I don’t know what would have happened if we needed to buy formula in addition to diapers and all the other baby stuff we needed.”
She led him over to a bench and sat down.
“I’m a strong person, but being married to Mario sucked everything from me. He was jealous of my job and my success. It got to the point where I became afraid to tell him when I’d gotten a promotion because he’d somehow turn around and make it about him. He’d say I was trying to make him look bad, which was a crock since he was doing a bang up job of doing that himself.
“I became weak and completely overwhelmed with everything. I was afraid to ask for help because I was embarrassed about the abuse.”
He reached for both her hands and kissed them. “You had nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“I know that now, but I didn’t back then. I pretended things were fine even though every day I spent with him was slowly killing me. The only highlights of my day were the few hours of quiet time I had with Tony. Once he got over his colic, he was a wonderful baby. I used to spend hours reading or just talking to him.” A tear spilled from her eye and landed on their joined hands.
“I’m sure you were a wonderful mother.”
She nodded and sniffled. “One day shortly after I announced my pregnancy, Mario came home and tripped over a toy Tony had been playing with earlier that night. I hadn’t yet gotten around to cleaning up and there were toys scattered around the room. Mario went ballistic and raised his hand to hit Tony. I freaked and attacked Mario. I knocked him down and he blacked out for a second—probably from the alcohol he’d consumed before he came home. I used that time to grab Tony and took off in the car. I was barely ou
t of the driveway when Mario was off following me. He chased us down Roosevelt Boulevard. I wove in and out of traffic while Tony screamed in his car seat.”
Her chest heaved as she envisioned the accident as though it happened moments ago, and she breathed through her nose to calm herself. Even Edward’s arm around her couldn’t stop her from shaking.
“You don’t have to continue,” he whispered, placing a kiss at her temple.
More tears spilled down her cheeks. “It’s all right. I haven’t remembered all the details in a while.” She squeezed his hand for support. “Mario caught up with us and kept ramming the back of the car. I tried to shake him off, but he was a better driver and I couldn’t. I was approaching a light when it turned red. I braked but he didn’t. He pushed me right into the middle of the intersection, where a large delivery truck was coming through. The truck hit the back of my car and wiped out Mario’s car. I’m told both Tony and Mario died instantly.”
“Bloody Christ,” Edward said, rocking her as she cried into his chest. “I can’t imagine what you went through.”
“It wasn’t easy but I survived. I had a broken arm, leg, and some ribs. I lost everything that day, including the baby I was carrying. It took me a while, but with therapy and support from my family and friends I got my life back on track.”
“You’re remarkable.”
Kate didn’t think so, but she didn’t argue. She did what she needed to do in order to survive. What other choice did she have? Sure, she could have let the grief consume her—and there were plenty of times it had. But, thanks to her stubbornness, she fought and clawed her way out of the darkness. While the sadness hit her at times—like during holidays or birthdays—it wasn’t that often. She’d learned to handle it, but never forgot or stopped blaming herself for her part. And wish—oh how she wished things had been different.
“How often do you come here?” he asked, referring to the cemetery.
“Every time I visit my parents. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Tony. Occasionally I dream about him, although that’s gotten better over the years.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
He continued to hold her until the trembling subsided. He tipped up her face and pushed a stray curl aside. “Tony would be six if he were alive.”
She nodded.
“Is that why you feel close to Lucas? Does he remind you of Tony?”
“He reminds me of how I imagine Tony would be at the same age. I feel a kinship with Lucas because he also lost his family in a car accident.”
“Does seeing Lucas bring back all the memories?”
She shifted on the bench. “Some. I see a lonely little boy who lost his family. There will always be a gap in my life without Tony, but being around Lucas is helping to make that gap a little less painful.”
“As long as it’s not causing the pain to resurface.”
“There’s a lot of bitterness I’ve worked hard to deal with all these years. Sometimes, though, I can’t and have to feel the pain. The memories keep me focused and prevent me from making the same mistake.”
“Which is why you’re pushing me away,” he said, searching her eyes.
“It’s not you, it’s entirely me. And that may seem cliché, but I really mean it. I won’t allow myself to be tied down to someone again. I won’t be hurt like I was.”
“Is that what you think, that I would beat you?”
“No. I know you wouldn’t do that. Besides, I’ve taken self-defense classes and you’d have a hell of a time fighting me off. But seriously, I can’t risk getting tied to someone emotionally. And I think we both know you’re the love-them-and-leave-them sort.”
He flinched. “I suppose I deserve that. That’s pretty much how it’s been until recently. You’d be amazed at how being a cancer survivor causes you to re-evaluate your life and make changes.”
“And what about your cancer? I know you’re fine now, but what if it comes back?”
“There’s always a level of risk that it will come back or I could develop some other form. The chances of recurrence are lowered with every day and year that passes.”
Her stomach tightened. “But it’s a possibility.”
“There are no guarantees. I’m getting tested regularly, and my doctors are confident it won’t come back, but I can’t tell you it never will.”
“I see.”
“And that’s a problem?”
Was it? If Mario had gotten sick and died, she’d like to think she would have been able to handle it better than what happened. But because it didn’t go down that way, she wasn’t sure of anything.
“It’s something else to worry about. I already lost a husband. What if we got involved and you got sick?”
“I’ll deal with any recurrence of the cancer should it ever come to pass. I choose to live in the moment and not worry about things I can’t control.” He squeezed her hand. “I’d like to live in the moment with you.”
“Maybe, but for how long? How long before you’d start feeling restless and cheat on me? Then we would hate each other, and I don’t think I could bear that.”
“As dysfunctional as my involvements have been, I’ve never cheated on anyone. There are no guarantees with any relationship.”
“I know. That’s why I’d rather not even start one.”
“Instead of taking a chance that it may actually work out?”
She searched his face for a sign that he was playing her and found nothing but honesty. Unfortunately, she couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear.
“That’s the way it has to be,” she said in a quiet but firm voice.
“I see. I guess that’s it, then.”
“I’m sorry, Edward.”
“So am I.” He rose. “Will you be all right getting back to the house? I need to walk a bit.”
“I’ll be fine.”
He gave her a look full of longing and regret before walking away.
She watched his retreating form and her heart wanted to call him back and take back everything she’d said. But her head was in control now and stopped her from giving in to that foolishness. She needed to let him go—even if it was the last thing she wanted.
****
Edward gazed down at the cards in his hand and with a disgruntled groan turned them over. “I fold.”
“That’s the sixth time you’ve folded. You’re off your mark today,” Charles said and collected his winnings.
Edward scowled. “So it seems.”
“But your loss is our gain, so thanks,” Mark added, his fingers playing with the pile of chips in front of him.
Although poker was Edward’s game of choice at the casinos, he hadn’t felt like joining his brother and Mark to play this particular Sunday afternoon. But with the women at Karen’s baby shower, the men decided to strike up a game at Charles’s place. Mark asked if they could help him move all the gifts to his house later. Since Edward was stuck there for another few hours, he may as well have another drink.
“I’ll sit the next few hands out.” He went into the kitchen to get another beer.
After popping off the lid, he took a swig, leaning against the counter while the amber liquid slid smoothly down his throat. It was his third beer and he hoped he would start feeling its effects soon. But all the alcohol in the world couldn’t dull what he’d been feeling since learning about Kate’s past yesterday.
“What’s bothering you?” Charles called from the doorway.
“Nothing. I’m just having an off day.”
“Rubbish. We’ve lived on two continents for so long you’ve forgotten we can always tell when something’s bothering one another. You weren’t yourself at dinner last night and now this.”
Edward sighed and dragged his hands down his weary face. “Are you aware that Kate was married and had a child?”
“No, I wasn’t.”
Edward gave him an abbreviated version of the story.
Charles grabbed another beer and l
eaned against the counter. “Bloody hell. That’s an incredible story. I don’t believe she went through all that. She seems to have gotten through it well.”
“I guess that depends on your perspective,” Edward said with a cynical shrug. “Because of what she went through, she refuses to consider the thought of getting involved with me, or with anyone for that matter.”
“But you had been involved during your stay here last summer. How was that different?”
“I presume it was because she knew I was returning to London. At that time, there weren’t plans for me to move here permanently. We both knew those weeks were temporary, which suited us both fine.”
“And now it doesn’t?”
“No. At least not for me.”
“You can’t make her feel something for you if she doesn’t.”
“Her feelings don’t have anything to do with her decision. She feels something for me. I see it, I sense it.”
Charles turned to face his brother. “And what about your feelings? Are you in love with her?”
Edward met his gaze. “I have feelings for her that are different than what I’ve felt for other women. But is that love? I haven’t the slightest. How did you know you were in love with Meghan?”
“I think I knew all along but didn’t realize it until the day she fought off a mugger who held a knife to an elderly neighbor of hers.”
“Right. I remember you telling me about that.”
“When she called me, I couldn’t get to her fast enough. And when I reached her, I didn’t want to let her go. I remember feeling very proud of what she’d done and terrified of what could have happened. I couldn’t imagine her not being in my life. I knew then I’d fallen for her.”
Edward shook his head. “Bloody fucking brilliant.”
“Is that how you feel for Kate?”
“It’s more like a cross of wanting to throttle her, hold her, and screw her brains out all jumbled together.”
Charles raised an eyebrow. “Wow, she really has you worked up.”
“That’s putting it mildly. I’ve tried to move on. I’ve dated other women, almost slept with one, but it only made it worse. The more I try to push Kate out of my mind, the more she’s there.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Then, there’s the orphan she’s befriended.”
Untangle My Heart (Tangled Hearts) Page 7
