by Carlos King
Jovon begins to ponder a possible treatment for his condition. “Maybe if I stay awake as long as possible and only sleep when I absolutely have to, maybe that’ll take some of the sting off this shit.”
Vinny gives a few light raps on the door before entering the room.
With a vibrant smile, Vinny jokes, “Hey, Dad, I’m about to leave with Natasha. Can I have a little spending money?”
Lying on the floor with his eyes closed, Jovon blindly flips Vinny the middle finger.
“I’m just kidding, guy. You gonna be okay here by yourself?”
“Yeah,” Jovon grunted. “I’m just gonna sit and wait for Mr. Winsor to call and tell me there’s no need for me to come back to work anymore.”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Vinny said. “He called for you earlier today.” Jovon lifts his head off the floor and looks up at Vinny, his interest peaked. “I told him you’ve been dealing with some serious family issues. I told him how incredibly sorry you are about your outburst in court that day.”
“And what did he say?”
“He gave you a few weeks off until further notice, but he’s not going to fire you. He told me to make that point crystal clear to you. He just wants you to take a leave of absence while he and the partners smooth things over.”
“Great,” Jovon said with a blank face. “With what could be the biggest promotion opportunity of a lifetime on the line, I’m forced to rest it out on the sidelines.”
“I’ll be back in a few hours, J,” Vinny said, backing out the room. “Try to get some rest, buddy.”
Jovon gives Vinny a pissed off look. It must’ve momentarily slipped Vinny’s mind that every time Jovon rests, he falls asleep…And every time he falls asleep, his condition worsens.
Realizing the slip up, Vinny recants. “Whoops! I mean, get up and do something. Exercise, cook—do something. But whatever you do, don’t rest.”
Jovon drops his head back to the floor, creating a thud. He closes his eyes and exhales, “Bye, Vinny.”
Vinny takes Jovon’s cue to leave and quickly exits.
Jovon continues talking to himself. “I am hungry. Guess I’ll get my ass up and cook something.”
While his intentions were set on doing just that, Jovon inadvertently dozes off. He’s only out for a minute or so before he hastily reawakens.
“DAMN!” he exclaimed, shaking off his drowsiness. “What the fuck did I just do?!”
Jovon suddenly feels something shifting inside his mouth. He maneuvers the object toward the front of his mouth with his tongue, recognizing that something doesn’t feel quite right. He reaches into his mouth and pulls the loose object. It’s his tooth.
Disturbed and clearly upset, Jovon says, “My mothafuckin’ tooth! Fuck!”
Jovon gets up and darts into the bathroom up the hall to check himself in the mirror. Upon opening his mouth, he discovers that he’s lost one of his top front teeth.
“OH SHIT!” he yelled.
Several hours later, Jovon is sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee. He suddenly hears Vinny come in through the front door, and within seconds, he’s standing in the kitchen’s doorway. Vinny’s clothes are all in disarray. He has a black eye, a bloodied nose and a busted mouth that’s partially swollen. Jovon glances at Vinny, showing no emotion whatsoever. Instead, he continues to silently sip his coffee.
Vinny limps over to the table and sits directly across from Jovon. “Don’t even ask,” said Vinny, undoubtedly in a bad mood.
Jovon, who’s in a much worse mood, replies, “Do I look like I’d give two shits about anybody else’s well-being over my own right now?”
Vinny eyes Jovon and subtly submits. “Good point. I see you’re missing some teeth now?”
Jovon gives Vinny a glum stare. Jovon breaks his gap by taking another sip of coffee. “So what happened to you?” Jovon finally asked.
Rubbing a delicate finger over his black eye, Vinny begins to recall the night’s events. “After me and Natasha left we had went back to her place to finish what we started here. So there we are, in her bed, doing what we do. All of a sudden she hears this car pull up and starts freaking out. Come to find out it was her jealous ex-boyfriend, who still had a key to her front door. She tells me I need to hurry up and leave, but unfortunately I couldn’t move fast enough. I soon find out that her ex is a 230lb UFC fighter with a shitty attitude problem.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” Jovon said flatly, bringing the steaming glass cup to his mouth.
“So I’m standing there trying to get my pants on and all of a sudden this muscle bound beast comes kicking down the bedroom door. I mean, this fucker’s neck was wider than his head. Both of his ears were all swollen up and shit. I was like two seconds away from literally shitting my boxers.”
“Then what happened?” Jovon asked.
Vinny daps the tip of his thumb against a healing cut in the corner of his mouth. “Oh, he beat my ass for about a good minute and a half before I kicked him in the nuts, jumped through a glass window, got in my car and got the hell outta there doing seventy miles an hour.” Done recounting his story, Vinny redirects the conversation towards Jovon. “So what happened with your tooth?”
“Fucked around and took a two minute nap,” Jovon answered plainly.
“You know I think it’s about time we start trying to hook you up with somebody so we can break this curse of yours.”
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing all this afternoon.”
“Okay. I’ll round up the boys tomorrow. We’ll start by hitting up the local crack houses and then work our way up to the prostitutes and some of the ugly ass strippers downtown.”
Jovon sighs. “So this is what it’s come to, huh? I use to date some of the finest woman in Miami. Now I’m forced to resort to the type of women only Mike would date.”
Vinny shrugs. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend. Look, all we have to do is find a broad that’ll fall in love with you, that shouldn’t be too hard. You’re a very charming guy.”
“But I have to love them, too,” Jovon reminded him.
“That’s the easy part,” Vinny told him. “Think of it like this…Any broad who falls in love with you is gonna be the cure for this curse. That means you get your old life and looks back. You’ll love her for that reason alone. And once everything goes back to normal, you tell the bitch to hit the fucking road.”
Jovon allows Vinny’s suggestion to dance around in his mind. “You may have something there.”
“Of course I do.”
“You know I’m gonna need y’all to help me get through this. You already know this curse has killed my game.”
“Forget about it, J,” said Vinny. “You know we got your back. After all of the times you helped up get laid, it’ll be the least we can do.”
“So it’s on then,” Jovon nodded, clapping his hands together. “Tomorrow we start the hunt.”
Chapter 16
Day 19
It is now in the later hours of the day and the guys are just returning to Vinny’s home from a long, hard day of woman chasing. Jovon, Vinny and Mike all take seats on the couch, while Lewis sinks into the cozy nearby love seat. They’re all exhausted from the day’s activities.
“I can’t believe this shit,” said Lewis. “We were out all damn day and still couldn’t find a broad for you.”
“Yeah, this is gonna be a lot harder than I originally thought, J,” Vinny admitted.
Jovon turns to the guys with a saddened look. “I lost another tooth today.”
“Yeah, I noticed that,” Vinny responded.
“It is kind of hard to miss,” Mike added. ‘It was your other front tooth.”
“Shut up, Mike,” Lewis said tiredly.
Mike retorts, “I’m just saying, it’s hard to hook somebody up who has the smile of a carved pumpkin.”
Vinny turns to Mike. “Hey, dumbass, shut the hell up.” Vinny glances over at Jovon. “Now back to you. We stil
l have eleven days to get you hooked up and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.”
“It’s a failed mission, Vin,” Jovon said hopelessly. “Might as well let it go, man.”
“What are you talking about? Don’t tell me you’re gonna go out like a sucker and let that evil bitch win. Forget about it.”
“Vinny, we’ve been to crack houses, whore houses, homeless shelters, even burn centers. There’s nobody out there trying to date a decaying pretty boy,” said Jovon, his despair evident.
“That’s what I tried telling them earlier,” Mike cut in, “but they kept ignoring my ass.”
“What Mike is trying to say in his own retarded way,” Lewis spoke up, “is that given your current physical condition, we’re just gonna have to try harder than we originally anticipated.”
Jovon surrenders. “You can count me out. I’m just gonna call it quits and try to enjoy the little things I have left.”
Mike raises an eyebrow. “Like what?”
“Like my life, you ass. I still have a little hair left…Not to mention, I still have a very impressive penis. That’s kept me somewhat positive.”
“And in eleven days you might lose that, too,” Vinny crudely added. “Are you sure you want to call it quits?”
“I’ll tell you what,” Lewis said to Jovon. “We’ll do all the searching for you. You just kick back and chill. We’ll find somebody who’ll have your ass.”
Mike stands up. “I know what we could do to make the females flock to, J.” Mike pauses, hoping to build anticipation amongst his friends. He continues by simply saying, “Hammer pants.”
Vinny, Jovon and Lewis gawk at Mike with puzzled looks on their faces.
Lewis is the first to ask, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“We should put J in some Hammer pants,” Mike continued.
The lines in Lewis’ forehead deepen. “Why the hell would he wear some Hammer pants? Where the hell would we even find Hammer pants?”
Mike smiles, interlocking his fingers behind his back as he paces back and forth like Perry Mason. “I’ll tell you who still owns a pair…I do. And don’t be sleep on the Hammer pants, my friends. Case and point...Think back to Saved by the Bell. Mario Lopez, a.k.a. A.C. Slater, wore Hammer pants damn-near every episode, and he had hella groupies. And not to sound gay or nothing, but that guy was the sexiest person on that show.”
Vinny interrupts. “Okay first of all, when you say not to sound gay and then say something incredibly gay afterward, doesn’t absorb you of the gayness that statement holds. Second, why the hell do you still have a pair of Hammer pants in your wardrobe?”
“I find them extremely comfortable to wear when I do my P90x workouts.”
Jovon cuts everyone off. “Look, fools…I’m not wearing any damn Hammer pants and I’m not going out hunting with y’all tomorrow. Y’all can do whatever it is y’all please, but I’m keeping my ass in the house.”
Mike sits back down on the couch, vehemently maintaining his stance. “Y’all are truly sleep on the Hammer pants. Watch, I’ma wear a pair one day and I want y’all to witness all the love the ladies give me. Just wait and see.”
“Didn’t they outlaw those damn things?” Lewis asked, sparking the debate back up. “It was something about when the wind would was really blowing the pants would spread out like parachutes and be throwing people into all kinds of shit. Buildings, trees, oncoming traffic, just fucking everybody up.”
Vinny focuses on Jovon. “So what are you gonna do? Just restrict yourself from contact with all forms of life until your dying day? How does it feel being afraid to fall asleep? You might as well be in a fucking Freddy Kruger movie.”
“Y’all fools know y’all got some bad luck with the women,” Lewis grinned. He first turns to Vinny. “You got your ass whooped by a UFC fighter.” He then turns to Jovon. “And you got turned into a walking horror movie. You two are pitiful as hell.”
“At least we get ass on a frequent basis,” Vinny countered. “Meanwhile, your crazy ass is stalking Kim Kardashian all over the fucking place.”
Lewis’ smile dissipates. “How did you hear about that?”
Vinny tells him, “Me and her lawyer have lunch occasionally to discuss our craziest cases with one another. When he started telling me about Kim and the crazy type of shit her stalker’s been doing, I automatically knew it was you.”
“Shut up, Vinny.”
“I don’t know why the fuck you’re stalking her anyway,” said Vinny. “That bitch has been rammed more than a bumper car. Are you really that desperate?”
As Vinny and Lewis continue their discussion, Jovon’s cell phone begins to ring.
“Hello,” he answered. “Yeah, what’s up?” After a silent pause, he concludes the conversation. “Okay, cool. Bye.”
“Who was that?” Vinny asked.
“Shanti,” Jovon answered. “She’s about to come through for a minute.”
Vinny, Mike and Lewis all start giggling like school kids.
“What the fuck’s so funny?” Jovon asked.
“Come on, J,” Lewis smiled skittishly. “You already know what’s up. Shanti is fine as hell.”
“Hell yeah,” Vinny confirmed. “I don’t know why she keeps trying to play that hard to get role.”
“She’s not playing,” Jovon told Vinny.
“Yo’, J,” Lewis spoke, “what’s up with putting a good word in for your boy?”
“Yeah right,” Vinny scoffed. “If he’s gonna put a good word in for anybody it’s gonna be me.”
“I’m not putting a good word in for neither of you clowns,” Jovon declared. “She’s too good for all of the bullshit we bring. So y’all might as well get y’all minds off that shit right now.”
Lewis leans back and grins. “Well at least she can still serve as some delectable eye candy.”
Jovon turns to Lewis. “And that’s another thing. Stop gawking at her every time she comes around. She doesn’t like that shit, and to tell you the truth, I don’t like it either.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Vinny grinned, waving one of his hands. “Did we hit a soft spot, playboy?”
“No. I’m just saying.”
“Wait that’s it, isn’t it, J,” Vinny smiled vibrantly. “Look, J, if you have feelings for this girl that could be your ticket back to a normal life. Maybe you should step to her.”
“I can’t do that,” Jovon said, shaking his head. “Even if there was a time when she wanted to deal with me, I’m sure that ship sailed about two weeks ago.”
“There’s only one way to find out, J,” Mike implied.
Speaking on what Mike just said, Lewis adds, “And that’s the smartest thing this fool has said all night.”
Jovon shakes his head once more. “I don’t want to get her involved in this shit.”
“Come on, J,” said Vinny, trying to sway Jovon’s decision, “this could be your only chance.”
“I don’t care. Shanti is too good of a person to date somebody like me. I don’t wanna waste her time…Even if it’s my one and only shot at being me again. She’s a friend and I couldn’t use her like that. So just drop it, alright?”
Jovon gets up and heads toward the kitchen.
Whispering to Vinny and Lewis, Mike asks, “Is it me or is he starting to look like the black version of Benjamin Button?”
Chapter 17
Later on that night, Jovon and Shanti are sitting on opposite sides of a booth in a local fast food diner, eating. Jovon appears to be a bit uncomfortable, but Shanti is trying her best to put him at ease.
“So how is the bitch hunt going?” Shanti asked.
Jovon stops playing with his food long enough to set his hardened eyes on Shanti’s. “Take a long hard good look at me. How do you think it’s going?”
“Stop being such a punk. You don’t look that bad.”
Jovon laughs. “Yea, I guess I’ve just been looking at myself through funhouse mirrors lately.”
“Ok
ay, so you lost a little…A lot of hair. And you’re missing a couple teeth. And you put on a few pounds.” Shanti continued to scrutinize Jovon. “And you started developing liver spots on your face and arms.”
Jovon rubs his face and says, “What!? I have liver spots now?!”
