Incensed, Wade redoubled his efforts and loosed the full force of his fist.
“Get out of my way!!"
Wade found renewed strength in his own words and watched as his balled fist came forward, but it connected with thin air as Os disappeared.
Finding one limb free from the fray, Wade trudged through the crowd, feeling the rest of his body become free. He heard and felt the snapping of bones and ligaments of those around him – casualties of his rage.
But he didn’t give a damn about anyone except Chris. He plowed through all the fans, all the reporters, and anyone else foolish enough to stand in his way. They fell like dominoes before Wade’s tremendous strength – strength he didn’t know he had.
“Wade!”
Chris screamed again from underneath a group of people who dog-piled her. Her hand was the only thing he saw now as he made his way as fast as he could through the tug and pull of so many people.
“Chris!” Wade yelled again. But each step he took toward her became a massive effort to even move his feet. Soon, he felt glued to the floor and unable to move altogether.
He cursed aloud and out of sheer frustration, he reached for Chris’ hand.
Wade saw the escalating fear in her eye as she too struggled to meet his grip, their fingers inched forward, their fingertips barely touching.
Just a little more, Wade thought, and he would have her.
Wade forced his foot to move and he came forward and snatched her wrist.
“Gotcha!”
“Wade!”
Chris’ voice brought Wade from his sleep so fast, he choked on an intake of air and coughed violently. The inside of the room was a blur, but he could feel a pair of hands push against his chest. For a moment, he thought he was still in his dream, caught in a web of arms and hands.
Wade forced himself out of his sleep coma and saw Chris - staring up at him stark full of fear.
“Wade?!” she squeaked. “I-I can’t…breath!”
When Wade’s vision stopped spinning, he saw that he had Chris in his arms, clamoring to get away. Finding that his dream hit too close to home, he quickly released her.
“I-I’m sorry!”
Thankful to be let go from what reminded her of a bear hug, Chris scooted to the other side of the bed as far as she could. Meanwhile, Wade put his head in his hands, hoping that the sick feeling in his gut wouldn’t cause him to vomit on her floor.
Determined not to let his symptoms escalate, he talked himself down.
Calm down. Calm down….breathe.
The steady beat of his heart slowly came back under his control and with the help of a few controlled breaths, the tightness in his chest began to go away.
After a few minutes, Chris finally had the nerve to ask, “Are you okay?”
Wade rubbed his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I just…it was just a bad dream,” he convinced himself.
“What was it about? Crushing me to pieces?” she asked.
For some reason, the question seemed to make Wade laugh absent-mindedly in response. Thankfully, his symptoms were subsiding and when he had the courage to look back at her, he found her looking scared, starved, and utterly small - especially in her baggy clothing.
He didn’t mean to fall asleep with her, but he could tell the atmosphere was a little uncomfortable for the two of them.
“I’m…I’m really sorry. I-I didn’t mean t-.”
“You’re…still in my room,” she said, not once taking her eyes off him.
“I…you passed out. I just wanted to stay and see if you were alright.”
It was the half-truth but Wade tried to convince himself otherwise. He tried not to think about her breathing on his chest, or the fact that goose bumps rose on his skin whenever he thought about touching her hands.
“I’m fine now," she said quickly.
“Uhm…right. I’ll…get outta here.”
He motioned to get up and had his hand on the handle, but the thought of her near reveal coupled with his horrendous nightmare made his frayed nerves dance on edge.
“Are you…are you gonna be alright?”
Chris gathered up her legs and buried her head in them, but Wade saw her nod.
“Don’t worry about Os,” he assured her. “He’s not stupid enough to do that again-.”
“I don’t care about that. Just whatever happens…don’t send me back,” she finished in a whisper.
At once, Wade became confused. “Send you back where?”
When Chris didn’t answer, he sat back down on her bed, but at a respectful distance.
“The streets? Your home?” he urged, but Chris remained silent.
He peered at her questioningly, but only after a passing streetlight revealed some of her face, he saw her eyes tear up. Wade knew a nerve had been hit somehow, but he didn’t exactly know how to get her to talk about it.
But then, the bus passed another streetlight, shedding a brief glow of light over the tattoos on her wrists. The gears started to turn in his head. His gut urged him to make sense out of all of this, or he’d never get a good night’s sleep.
“You’re still here?” Chris snapped.
Wade laughed softly and nodded, “Looks that way.”
“I need my beauty sleep,” Chris hinted.
“You’ll get it,” he said, “Right after you tell me what ‘it’ is you don’t wanna go back to.”
“I’m not goin’ down this road…”
“Too late,” Wade gestured out the window. “In more ways than one.”
“You think you’re so damn funny-.”
“-and persistent, and stubborn,” Wade interrupted. “I’ll put it to you this way: start talking or neither of us will sleep tonight.”
The two of them locked eyes for the longest time, but Chris was beginning to think he had a knack for this game.
“I can scream,” Chris gambled.
“I can scream louder,” came Wade’s retort.
Visibly frustrated, it was all Chris could do to keep her composure.
“Who the hell’er you supposed to be, huh? My fuckin’ high school guidance counselor?”
“No,” Wade replied in a calm tone of voice. “But I am pretty good a deductions.”
“Well, why don’t you enlighten me, Sherlock?” she responded curtly.
Wade paused for a moment, almost afraid to continue. After all, he was in unfamiliar territory and he had no idea how Chris would react.
“Your tattoos.”
“What about them?” she snapped.
“Well, they reveal more than you know.”
“This’ll be good,” Chris commented, rubbing her eyes.
“For instance, the barbs on the wires are turned in, towards you - not away. You’re bleeding, in pain. Whatever you’re carrying around with you hurts, but it means enough to make it a permanent reminder. Even the heart on your back is wrapped up in barbed wire. You keep it behind you - not exposed in the front. It’s like you’re running from something. Or someone.”
Neither of them dared move for the longest time until Wade saw fresh tears on Chris’ face.
“Who was he?" he guessed.
“Who cares?” she whispered.
“I do.”
”Why?!” she hissed.
“Because I don’t think it’s right for anyone to carry luggage around with them wherever they go. I saved your ass out there. You owe me.”
Wade smiled, but it didn’t catch on.
He sat for ages it seemed, waiting for a response, but when she didn’t indulge him, he came up with one instead.
“It was that guy you were living with, wasn’t it?”
Chris’ nostrils flared and her eyes become like those of a psychopath. “How do you know about that? What did Joe tell you!?”
Wade remained calm. “He didn’t tell me anything. I was listening in that day you were bein’ chummy with ‘im.”
Chris clenched her jaw to the point of pain and forced herself to look out the window ag
ain, feeling as though her privacy was invaded outright.
“You had no business-!”
“Maybe not,” Wade confessed. “But it got me thinkin’: it wasn’t cigarettes you gave him, was it?”
For a moment, Wade thought he had gone too far, expecting a sudden outburst from Chris at any moment. But when she spoke, her voice was amazingly calm and distant.
“Y’know…sometimes? If I closed my eyes and thought about the drums hard enough, I almost couldn’t feel him on top of me.”
Wade sighed aloud but Chris didn’t seem to care. She locked eyes with Wade, dead set on trying to make him understand.
“Don’t you see why it’s so easy to be a guy?”
In a way, Wade knew she was right. When he thought about it, he just got lucky when Mike had them sign their contract on the dotted line. Hell, he practically shoved the pen down Wade’s throat. But Chris? She gave away something else, all for her drums. Wade loved his music, but Chris was passionate about it.
“That’s why you zone out sometimes, isn’t it?” he asked, peering out of the corner of his eye.
Wade was met with silence but he knew he was dead on when Chris’ head fell to her chest.
“How long did you live like that?” Wade asked carefully.
Chris sniffed and wiped her face with her sleeve. “Almost five years.”
He winced. “Jesus.”
“It’s funny, y’know? All those years I was his personal whore and the only decent thing he did was put on a condom before he raped me.”
She laughed through her nose at the sickening irony, but Wade remained silent, giving Chris his rapt attention.
“You didn’t have to put up with that shit,” Wade commented. “Why didn’t you just leave?”
Chris scoffed and she palmed her forehead. “And go where exactly? Back home? You don’t know my dad. If he ever got a hold of me, I may as well kiss my drums goodbye.”
The strangest feeling came over Wade just then. He wanted to comfort her somehow - to tell her that her gifts actually meant something to Heretic, their fans - to him. He had no idea what to say or even how to say it, but before he could decide, Chris interrupted his thoughts.
“It uhm…might sound pretty stupid but, when I saw you on TV that one day - saying that you were auditioning for drummers?” Wade nodded, urging her to continue. “I thought I was dreaming. It was like this long, dark tunnel I was trapped in had a light at the end. And before I knew it, I grabbed what money I could from that hell-hole and left. All I had were my clothes and my sticks.”
But before either of them knew it, Chris broke down into a quiet sob. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this-!”
Right away, Wade put his hands on her shoulders and jostled her slightly.
“Hey, hey - c’mon, now. Chris? Chris, listen to me,” he began, trying to get her to calm down. “You wouldn’t have left that place if you didn’t think you had a chance with us.”
Chris rolled her eyes. “I didn’t know you’d take a girl. Why do you think I tried to disguise myself?”
Wade wondered that, too, but Chris kept right on going.
“All I know is that I had to leave that place. Hess may have done some shitty things but you have no idea how many times I wished I was him. Or how bad I wished I was in his place. I just didn’t think it would actually happen. Sometimes, I still can’t believe I’m here. Every time I go to sleep I’m scared to death I’ll wake up in that place again....with him.”
Wade felt a tremendous shift in the atmosphere, almost as if the weight Chris had been carrying all this time had finally let go of her.
“Chris, no one’s going to hurt you here,” Wade stated with conviction. "You can play drums for free. Promise."
He shot a small smile and winked at her hoping to cheer her up. And it worked.
She laughed like a drunken fool and wiped her eyes one last time before she looked back out of the window.
With his drummer breathing easy again, and his curiosity satisfied, Wade got up to leave a second time.
“Wait a second.”
Surprised, Wade turned around and looked back down at her. “What?”
“I’m not the only one with a secret.”
Wade smiled out of the corner of his mouth. “We all have secrets.”
“But the one about you and your grades? Joe said you were the top of your class in high school. Did you seriously turn down a full ride to college?”
Wade chuckled under his breath and sat back down on the bed next to Chris. Only a handful of people ever knew of his mountain-high GPA.
"Where would we all be if I hadn’t?" Wade retorted.
At once, Wade wished could take back his smart ass response, but he could see Chris digest the question the best way she knew how.
“You could’ve finished college, got a degree-.”
Wade shrugged. “Wasn’t my thing.”
Chris laughed out loud, but Wade could tell his answer didn’t set well with her.
“Yeah, well, being a cum receptacle wasn’t my thing either.”
Wade sighed and rubbed the tired from his eyes. “If you’re lookin’ for an answer, then I guess I’m here for the same reasons you are.”
“And what ‘reasons’ would those be? You’re no dropout.” Chris spouted sarcastically.
Wade smiled and shook his head.
“No,” he said. “But like you? I love this shit. And I can’t see myself doing anything else.”
“And your claustrophobia?” she pressed.
Wade’s head dipped back and he seemed to talk to the ceiling. “I swear I’m gonna kill Joe and take away his weed.”
“He said you hate crowds. So, how did you even find me?”
Wade’s head dropped and he searched the floor for answers. He never had the best poker face, but managed to find the right words without sounding completely stupid.
“Well, there was a lot at stake,” he explained as he rubbed the back of his neck. “When things got outta hand, I just put everything else aside and focused on what was important.”
Chris looked away and whispered, “Thanks.”
Wade stuffed his hands down his pockets again and it was then that Chris heard the familiar jingling sound. But she canned her own curiosity for the sake of sleep.
“So, will you go already?” Chris urged. “It won’t look right if anyone saw you coming out of my room in the middle of the night.”
Wade couldn’t agree more.
“Uh, yeah,” Wade laughed nervously, running his hands through his hair. “Take care of that wrist and get some rest. Let me know if you need anything.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
Wade opened Chris’ door and closed it behind him without trying to make a sound. His room was only a few steps away, but he made the trek as silently as he could without waking anyone.
However, an abrupt click from the bathroom door came from out of nowhere and soon, Wade stood face to face with his brother. It may have been dark, but he could clearly make out his sneering grin and already, Wade wanted to wipe it off with his fist.
“How is she?” he asked, but Wade knew Chris’ condition was the last thing Os cared about.
“Fine. No thanks to you.”
“Easy, man,” he said, carefully avoiding Wade in the hallway. “You better get in your room before Joe finds out.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he growled.
“C’mon, man.” Os stepped closer to his brother and hissed into the air like a snake. “You know how much they hang out together. Joe’ll be crushed if he finds out you’re spoonin’ his girl.”
Wade closed the gap between them both in an instant, but he caught himself ready to scream. He suddenly became mute and froze, finding a ring of truth in Os’ slimy words.
Os didn’t move a muscle, or even flinch underneath Wade’s mounting anger as his younger brother’s eyes moved over Joe’s door.
There, his friend’s soft
snoring could be heard clearly just above the hum of the highway underneath them.
Right away, Os pounced on his hesitation and smiled.
"Goodnight, Wade."
Os left his brother speechless while he crept back into his room, leaving Wade standing in complete silence. Wade couldn’t help but notice that, for once, he was lost for words.
Wade took one of his balled fists and pressed it against his forehead.
He should never have slept with Chris - innocent mistake or not. He had to be careful or it would cost him dearly. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Joe.
Finally, he turned and went into his room and managed to close his door without making a sound.
Chapter 12
Wade never liked cutting things so damn close. He knew he should have gotten Chris a pair of sticks sooner, but it completely slipped his mind ever since that night of her near-reveal. He was still reeling from that little episode, but as their next concert ticked down to mere hours, Wade found himself in the middle of another headache.
“Joe!?” Wade barked.
“Yeah! What’s up, man?” he asked, bounding from his room all ready to go in full concert gear.
“Stay here while Chris and I run and see if anyone’s inside,” he said, motioning to the seemingly vacant music store.
Meanwhile, Os remained seated and silent in his chair, strumming at his guitar without a care in the world. But Wade’s anger was hardly cooled from his brother’s stupidity from the night before.
He grabbed Chris by the sleeve, but just before he was about to walk off, he turned and looked back at his brother.
“Oh and uh, Joe?” As soon as Wade got his attention for a second time, he nodded to his brother. “Keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”
Os rolled his eyes in disgust, but Joe seemed delighted in his newly assigned task. He looked down at Os and smiled while he cracked all of his knuckles in a menacing fashion.
“You got it, man.”
Chris sighed as she was allowed little choice other than to be drug off the bus after Wade. After Pete closed the doors behind them, Joe cracked a smile.
“I got my eyes on you, douche-wad.”
Os smiled in kind.
No Holding Back Page 13
