Where I Want To Be

by Maryam Diaab

  “How many times do I have to tell you that I won’t hurt you? Unless, of course, you want me to,” Massai said suggestively, before deepening the kiss. Alexis lost her breath and her voice as he slowly began to unbutton the black cap-sleeve blouse she was wearing. His hands moved deftly over the buttons until he exposed the bra that pushed her breasts to attention and made them appear more voluptuous than they actually were.

  He pulled away from her mouth and pushed the open blouse from her shoulders, lowering his head to place sensual kisses on her collar, shoulders and, finally, cleavage. Alexis recognized that what was happening was going against everything she said she would not do, but she was barely able to contain the pleasure she felt.

  She put one hand on the back of his neck and pressed his head deeper into her chest. Massai’s hands moved from her waist to her back, and in one quick motion, he unhooked her bra. He leaned back and watched the black lacy undergarment come to rest around her perfectly toned midsection. Alexis watched his chest rise and fall. He looked at her and then closed his eyes, taking in a labored breath. Massai opened his eyes again and then shook his head.

  “I should stop,” he said, getting up off the couch and exposing his arousal.

  “I don’t know if I want you to,” Alexis said, meaning every word. She sat on the plush suede couch feeling more exposed and vulnerable than she’d ever been; amazingly, she wanted him to continue. The voice of responsibility and sensibility she usually heard inside her head had vanished with that first kiss and was replaced by an ache between her legs that was so strong and forceful she didn’t even trust herself to stand.

  “You’re not ready, and I don’t want you to do anything that you’ll regret in the morning,” he told her, running his hands through his hair and centering his gaze on the front door, anything to keep himself from looking at her naked breasts.

  “Massai, just come back to the couch. I’m a big girl, and I can make my own decisions.”

  He again shook his head. “I don’t want it to be like this.”

  “Like what?” she asked, beginning to feel rejected.

  “In my friend’s house, with Eva still in my life. And who knows when or if I’ll ever even see you again,” he said, his voice strained.

  Feeling self-conscious, Alexis refastened her bra and buttoned her shirt. Massai sat in the armchair facing her. She was in shock, and it showed all over her face. Frantically searching her memory, she couldn’t remember a time when a man had turned her down the way he just had. The few men she had been intimate with in her lifetime always behaved as if she was the most beautiful and irresistible creature they had ever laid eyes on. Even though his reasons seemed sincere, she still couldn’t understand why he was treating her like the newest carrier of the Ebola virus.

  “I’m embarrassed,” Alexis laughed nervously, wiping her sweaty palms on her light-colored jeans. “This has never happened to me before.”

  “Don’t think I stopped because I’m not attracted to you. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you. But the problem is that I want more than sex from you. I want what we are getting ourselves into to be right for both of us, physically and emotionally.”

  It was at that moment and with those words that Alexis realized with clarity that Massai was the real thing. Any other man would have jumped all over her, caring not about the state of her heart but only about how good she could make them feel. Massai was different. He respected her mind, body and principles. Slowly but surely he was working his way into her spirit, and the more she resisted what was happening so naturally between them, the more she began to realize that she was losing the battle to protect her heart. It was, therefore, almost a relief she was leaving New Orleans the next morning. Alexis hoped that being in her own environment and returning to her daily routine would take her mind off Massai and the possibility that he could be the one she had been looking for her whole life.

  14

  VOICEMAIL

  Alexis entered her apartment wearing a slightly bittersweet smile. Although happy to be home, she was still a bit sad. Thoughts of Massai and what might have been had occupied her thoughts the entire plane ride home. And she still wasn’t sure whether the decision to leave him and come back to Detroit had been a good one. She had just about convinced herself that leaving was the only way to keep her promise to herself, but walking into an empty apartment had her second-guessing herself. Her apartment seemed so lonely—no voices, laughter or activity to make the two-bedroom space feel like a home.

  She flipped the light switch by the door and the room was instantly bathed in soft fluorescent light, making the place seem a bit more alive. She cleared her throat and the sound she made echoed off the walls, startling her. Alexis sighed and felt so sad and lonely in that moment. The thought of this being her existence for the rest of her life was almost too depressing to bear.

  Going into the bedroom, she sat on the bed and picked up the phone. The long stuttering dial tone indicated several voicemail messages waiting for her. She typed in her code, and an automated voice announced that twenty messages were in her box.

  The first three were from telemarketers trying to sell her new health insurance, a water-filtration system and a machine that would clean the gutters she didn’t have. Alexis deleted the sales pitches and moved on to a message from her sister, Alicia.

  “Alexis, this is Alicia, your sister. Remember me? The bride? Anyway, I’m calling this number because it seems that while you’re in New Orleans, you are refusing to answer your cellphone. At first, I thought it was just me, but I had Mommy call, too, and you didn’t pick up even for her. I hope you’re not down there acting all nasty when I’m here having a crisis. Anyway, I really need to talk to you about—”

  Alexis laughed as her sister was cut off in mid-sentence, pressed seven for delete and waited for the next message to begin.

  “Jeez, Alexis, you need to set a longer time limit for your messages. I can barely get two sentences out before the thing cuts me off. Oh, before I forget, happy belated birthday. I tried to call you on your birthday, but I just have so much going on right now. But I’m calling because—”

  The service cut her off again and this time Alexis laughed even harder. This was typical Alicia. As the youngest of the siblings, she grew up spoiled and was never able to get to the point. She loved hearing the sound of her own voice, and though her intentions were good, she came across as chronically selfish.

  “Good Lord, just let me spit it out before this crazy thing hangs up on me again. Okay, as maid of honor you need to get busy on my bridal shower. The wedding is only three weeks away, and if you send the invitations out now, it won’t look too tacky. I can get one of the other bridesmaids to help out…just call me so that—”

  Wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, Alexis sighed and deleted the message. She had planned to spend the rest of her summer vacation relaxing and preparing herself for the upcoming school year, but it seemed her sister had made other plans for her time off.

  “Hello, Alexis, this is Kevin. I tried to call your cellphone to wish you a happy birthday, but you didn’t answer. I need to see you. I miss you. Call me when you get back into town.”

  With a roll of her eyes, Alexis immediately deleted his message.

  “This is Alicia again. When in the world are you coming home? You need to be here to help with this wedding. Did you get your shoes? I left them on hold for you. Call me as soon as you get this message because we have to coordinate—”

  Alicia had always been a little dramatic and nervous, but since she began planning her wedding nine months ago, with the assistance of her fiancé’s parents’ checkbook, she had become ridiculously hard to deal with.

  “Ms. Hunter, this is Mrs. Garner. I hope your vacation is going well and that you are resting up for the start of a new school year. We will begin teacher training one week early, on August 25, because school will begin after Labor Day. Please be here on t
he fifteenth bright and early at eight a.m. Dress is casual and comfortable. If you have any questions, you can call me at home. If not, I’ll see you on the twenty-fifth.”

  Mrs. Garner was Alexis’s principal and mentor. At forty-five years old, Elizabeth Garner reminded Alexis of a teapot, short and stout but always stylish. Her salt-and-pepper hair, which she wore in a shoulder-length bob, always looked freshly styled by the salon, and Alexis couldn’t remember seeing Mrs. Garner in the same suit twice. She had taken Alexis under her wing and showed her the ropes when she started working at Discovery Academy three years ago. In return, Alexis strived to be the most dedicated and effective teacher in the school.

  There were several messages from friends, one each from her mother and brother and one from a co-worker–and another from Kevin.

  “Alexis, I’m leaving Kim. Filing for divorce, and I’ve already broken it off with Jessica. I know what I did was wrong, but I’m trying to make things right between us. I would love to talk to you about our relationship face to face.”

  It seemed that Kevin was not going to give up, and while annoyed he kept calling, she found it comical that he called what they had a relationship when it would be better classified as an exercise in deception. She forcefully pressed seven to delete and seriously considered changing both her cell and home numbers to keep Kevin at bay.

  “This is Massai…I was just wondering if you got home safely.” When he paused, Alexis exhaled slowly, not even realizing that she had been holding her breath from the moment she heard his voice.

  “I miss you already. I know it’s hard to believe, but I do. I hope this wasn’t just some short-term vacation thing for you, because it wasn’t for me. You’re special; different from any woman I’ve ever known.” He paused again and then added, “Call me.”

  She played the message three more times, enjoying the sound of his voice. Then she activated the save feature, storing his message in the voicemail’s memory. After regaining her composure, she began sorting the dirty clothes from her suitcase, simultaneously dialing her little sister’s phone number.

  “Alicia, I’m back,” Alexis said, as she took clothes from the piles in the middle of her bedroom floor to the washing machine hidden in a small alcove off the kitchen.

  “Where in the world have you been? I thought you were only staying for three days?”

  “We decided to stay a day longer and hang out in the city after the concerts were over. I could have sworn I told you that,” she said, adding bleach to the load of whites.

  “I would have remembered something like that. Did you get my messages?”

  “Yes, I did. All one hundred of them,” Alexis replied sarcastically.

  “You really need to do something about that service. It would cut me off after about ten seconds.”

  “It’s set for two minutes.”

  “I seriously doubt that. Anyway, how soon can you get over here?” Alicia asked, referring to their parents’ home. “We need to talk about the shower and get these invitations sent out a.s.a.p.”

  “Alicia, please…I got home less than an hour ago and I’m tired. Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”

  “No, it can’t. This is really important.”

  “Well, I’m sorry but it’s going to have to wait. As I said, I’m tired…and also hungry. I just want to relax.”

  “Alexis, what if this was your wedding?” Alicia whined.

  Alexis laughed lightly. “I seriously doubt there will ever be a wedding in my future.”

  “What are you talking about? What about Kevin? I think he is definitely marriage material.”

  “That’s the problem. He is already in a marriage that he failed to tell me about.”

  “He was married? Had me fooled!”

  “Well, just imagine how I feel.”

  “Wait a minute,” Alicia began, her voice rising a few octaves. “Does this mean that you don’t have a date for the wedding? You are listed for two and this is costing one hundred and fifty dollars a plate!”

  “I tell you the man that I’ve been seeing for six months is married, and all you can think about is your precious little reception?”

  “You just don’t understand how much this thing is costing Eric’s family. If it’s any consolation, I’ll find some time to do these invitations myself, okay?”

  “Well, isn’t that nice? And don’t try to play me like I’m stupid, I know that Eric’s parents are rolling in dough and were more than happy to take the burden of paying for this wedding off Mama and Daddy,” Alexis said, once again sarcastic.

  “Just because his parents are wealthy does not mean that I can waste money on this wedding because you can’t keep a man. Just remember to pick up your shoes before they sell them to someone else. And please try to get over here tomorrow so we can talk about the shower.”

  “I’ll be there,” she assured her sister, her tone melodic.

  “How was your trip? I’ve always wanted to go to New Orleans,” Alicia said.

  “It was great. A lot of fun,” she answered, purposely leaving out the fact that she had met someone while down there.

  “Good. And now that you’ve gotten all that out of your system, you can concentrate on what’s really important here: my wedding.”

  On that note, Alexis hung up on her sister faster than the voicemail had. She found herself laughing and realized she was in a much better mood than she had been when she arrived. She decided to call Massai and let him know that she was home.

  15

  GUILT

  “Oh, Alexis, thank you so much,” Alicia gushed, engulfing her sister in a bear hug. “I can’t believe you pulled it off so quickly.”

  Alexis smiled at her sister and sat on a wooden stool in her mother’s kitchen. She slipped her cream-colored sling backs off, let them fall to the linoleum floor and began rubbing her aching feet.

  “She’s right, that was an amazing bridal shower,” Claire agreed, entering the kitchen and putting an empty platter into the sink.

  It had been two weeks since Alexis had returned from New Orleans, and planning Alicia’s bridal shower had consumed all her time. She realized shortly after their telephone conversation that even though her sister was being a bit bossy and demanding, she nonetheless had a valid point. The two had always been close, and if the tables were turned, she would have been heartbroken if Alicia had taken a nonchalant attitude toward the planning of her wedding.

  “I loved the tea-party theme,” Morgan added, sitting next to Alexis. “Those little sandwiches and the cookies…it was really beautiful.”

  “I can’t believe you went all out like that. Now you’re not going to have any ideas left when it’s time for you and Massai to walk down the aisle,” Claire laughed.

  “Who’s Massai?” Alexis’s Aunt Shara and her mother, Dana, asked at the same time. The two looked more like twin sisters than siblings five years apart. They had the same copper skin tone, hazel eyes and dark, curly hair streaked with silver.

  Alexis shot Claire the most evil look she could dredge up. “Nobody.”

  “Well, he must be somebody or you wouldn’t be looking at her like that,” her mother said, closing the trash compactor under the counter.

  “You look like you want to scratch her eyes out,” Shara added. “So who is he?”

  “This guy…nobody, really. I met him while we were down in New Orleans.”

  “You didn’t tell me!” Alicia said, rejoining the conversation after having said good-bye to the rest of the bridal party. She stood in front of her sister, hands on her hips and a pout on her mouth; she hated being left out of the loop.

  “I didn’t say anything because it’s not a big deal.”

  “What does he do?” her mother asked, loading party platters into the dishwasher. Dana was the kind of woman who could work without ever taking a break.

  “He’s in the NBA,” Morgan blurted out before Alexis had a chance to stop her.

  “Don’t get involved with him. Those pr
ofessional athletes go from woman to woman, and when they do finally decide to settle down they still have a little something on the side,” Alicia warned, talking as if she had decades of dating experience under her belt. She always wanted to come off as older and more mature than her twenty years of age.

  “I never said I was getting involved with Massai, and I certainly don’t remember asking anyone for her opinion. He’s a friend and that’s all. I would appreciate it if we could drop the conversation altogether,” she said, balancing first on one foot and then the other to slip her shoes back on.

  “Why don’t you invite him to the wedding, Alexis?” Dana suggested. “It wouldn’t be any trouble. We do have that extra place, after all.”

  “I said we are just friends!” she retorted loudly.

  “You don’t talk to someone who is just a friend three times a day, Alexis,” Claire interrupted.

  “For everyone’s information, I do not talk to Massai three times a day.”

  “Okay, four.”

  “Urgh!” she said, completely frustrated. She snatched her purse off the counter and took two long strides to the kitchen side door of the house. “I can’t understand why I’ve become the topic of conversation here.”

  “We didn’t mean to upset you, Alexis, but we are concerned about you. We only want you to be happy, honey,” her mother said.

  “I am happy, and I would be even happier if people would just trust me and stay out of my personal business.”

  * * *

  “Massai?” Alexis said after hearing his deep voice on the other end of the phone.

  “Hey, baby,” he whispered. “Hold on for a second.”

  She waited patiently in her bathtub filled with bubbles while Massai moved from the family room to the privacy of his office. She was used to this; the whispering and late-night phone calls had become the norm since her return to Detroit, and even though she didn’t like it she understood completely.

  “How are you?” Massai asked after about a minute and a half.