Where I Want To Be

by Maryam Diaab

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, finally finding her voice.

  “Why? Do you have a date or something?” Massai asked looking around as if he expected her escort to come strolling in at any moment.

  “No, I don’t have a date, but I thought we had an understanding.”

  “We did, but all that was taken care of this morning. I’m here for four days, and I thought you would be happy.”

  Now it was time for Alexis to put up or shut up. When she told him what he needed to do, she never expected him to actually follow through with it. Making that deal with him was simply another ploy to protect her herself. While she knew in her heart that she was falling in love with him completely and totally, she was still apprehensive about taking their relationship to the next level. It was easy to keep her feelings and emotions at bay when Massai was in New Orleans, but now that he was in her hometown, in her space, and she looked at him, Alexis knew her fortitude was on its last leg.

  “We’ll just leave you two alone,” Morgan said, as she and Claire made a quick getaway, but not before pressing the baby-carriage charm into Alexis’s palm and winking.

  “Aren’t you happy?” Massai said, hurt and confusion written all over his face.

  Alexis stood and smoothed the wrinkles out of her dress. “Of course I’m happy. I’m surprised, too.”

  “That was the whole point. I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Well, you definitely succeeded.”

  “Where’s my kiss?” he asked, smiling again.

  “Here? In front of everybody?” she asked, mortified.

  “It’s a wedding, Alexis, not a jail cell. I’m sure no one will mind.”

  Massai took her in his arms and kissed her lips softly. “How are you?” he whispered against her mouth, causing her to inhale his sweet, winter-fresh breath.

  “I’m happy,” Alexis realized and replied honestly.

  19

  SURPRISE

  “So where are you going to go?” Carlos asked Eva as they lay in bed after an especially sweaty session of sex. “You can always move in here with me.”

  She sat up in bed and reached for her half-empty pack of cigarettes. Seeing Carlos wasn’t the only thing she had to keep from Massai; her long time smoking habit was another. “I’m not going to have to leave. I have a plan,” she said, lighting the cigarette and inhaling long and deep.

  “Yeah, right. We both know how well your plans work,” he said sarcastically.

  “How was I supposed to know that he wouldn’t want to have sex anymore?”

  “From what you’ve been telling me, I don’t think any plan you come up with will work. I think he’s pretty much gone over to this new chick.”

  “This plan isn’t new; it’s just a variation on the one from before.”

  “Okay…”

  “I’m going to just lie and say that I’m pregnant to buy myself some time. Granted, Massai probably won’t be all that happy about the idea, but I know him, and there isn’t any way that he’ll abandon me if he thinks I’m carrying his baby.”

  “He’s not going to believe you.”

  “He will believe me if I show him a positive pregnancy test. I can just get my friend Bridget to take one of those home things. She’s six months already, so I’m sure her reading will be completely positive.”

  “Well, what are you going to do when you don’t start showing in a few months?”

  “I’ll just fake a miscarriage. By then I will have redeemed myself as his girlfriend and we will both be in so much pain from the loss of our baby that there is no way he’ll break up with me.”

  Carlos stared at her as she blew smoke rings into the air. “You’re crazier than I thought,” he said, shaking his head and wondering what kind of woman he had gotten himself involved with.

  “I am not crazy. I’m ambitious and I know what I want. You act as though I said I was going to hold a gun to his head or something.”

  “No, but you are trying to trap him with some fake-ass baby. If you would do that to him, there is no telling what you are capable of doing to me.”

  “What do you propose I do, since you have so much to say?”

  “Eva, you just need to face facts and let that man be. He is with somebody else. What about that is so hard for you to accept?” he asked, becoming frustrated, irritated and agitated all at once.

  “The part where I come out of this broke and homeless. He owes me and I’m getting ready to collect.”

  “What does he owe you? I have never once seen you in a jersey running down a basketball court on ESPN.”

  “I don’t have to actually play the game to be owed something. What about all those times I sat up in the stands bored to death? Or when I had his bath ready for him when he walked through the door?”

  “That’s part of being a good girlfriend; I expect the same thing, and I shouldn’t have to pay you for it.”

  “I don’t even like basketball. And I thought you were on my side?”

  “I was until this plan started getting out of hand. I really don’t understand why you just won’t let this go. I make enough money to support you.”

  “I deserve to be more than supported, Carlos. I deserve the best that life has to offer, and I don’t think that those things are something you can afford on a daily basis,” Eva said, flicking her ashes into a water glass.

  Carlos got out of bed and looked down at her in disbelief. When he first met her, he really thought she was sweet and honest with just a little bit of a wild streak underneath. He had come to realize recently that what he thought was a wild streak was actually her deceptive and cutthroat tendencies. She was dangerous, and he was beginning to feel the need to cut all ties with her before it was too late.

  “I really don’t like what you’re getting ready to do, Eva,” he said from the bathroom.

  “Why not?” she answered loudly. “Your pockets will be benefiting from this, too. It’s just going to take a little longer than I thought. And you didn’t have anything to say when I poked those holes in his condoms, Mr. Righteous.”

  “You didn’t give me the chance. You just went ahead and did whatever it was that you wanted to do without even talking to me.”

  Eva smacked her lips and rolled her eyes but said nothing. “Look, Carlos, this is the plan and I’m sticking to it. Now as the guys in the hood say, you can either roll with me, or get rolled over.”

  * * *

  “Why do you keep looking at me like that?” Alexis asked, nervously unlocking the door to her apartment.

  “Because you’re beautiful,” Massai said, switching his duffle bags from one shoulder to the other.

  “I’m sure you’ve met plenty of beautiful women in your time,” she said, pushing the door open and stepping inside the darkened space.

  “I have, but no one like you.” He dropped his bags to the floor and drew her close for a kiss.

  She felt as if she was living in a wonderful fantasy created for someone else. This was too good to be true. She pulled back from his embrace and walked over to the wall to flip the light switch. Alexis didn’t want things to get too carried away before she asked the question that was really on her mind. “Since you’re in Detroit, I assume you and Eva are no longer together?”

  “I thought we already went over that,” he said, reaching for her again. But she stepped back and folded her arms across her chest.

  “That vague answer you gave me at the wedding was not going over anything.”

  “Okay, I see that you aren’t going to welcome me as a guest until we talk about this situation, so what is it that you want to know?”

  “I want to know what you said to her.”

  “I threw her ass out, and that’s all I’m going to say!” Massai responded, loudly recreating a scene from Lean on Me.

  She laughed, immediately recognizing the quote. “Okay, Joe Clark, I’m serious.”

  “I told her that I met someone, that I was in love and I expected her to be gone whe
n I got back.”

  She didn’t know how to respond. She wasn’t sure if her mind was playing tricks on her, but she could have sworn he had just admitted to being in love with her.

  “Did you hear me? I said that I’m in love with you,” he repeated.

  “Massai, are you sure?” she whispered. Alexis felt the same way, but didn’t know if she was ready to tell him.

  “Of course I’m sure, and if you don’t feel the same way yet, that’s cool. I know what an ice queen you can be,” he joked.

  “I am not an ice queen. I’m cautious.”

  “Whatever you say, Alexis.” Loosening his tie, he asked, “Are you going to give me a tour of your place or what?”

  Holding hands, they took the short tour of her apartment and ended up, finally, in her bedroom.

  “This is where I sleep.” She walked over to the bedside table and turned on the lamp, dimly lighting the room.

  “And where will I be sleeping tonight?” Massai asked, lifting her hand to his mouth and kissing it softly.

  “You can stay wherever you feel most comfortable, the guest bedroom or the couch…my bedroom…”

  “It’s not about where I feel comfortable, but where you’re comfortable having me.”

  Alexis thought back to their last night in New Orleans. She remembered going into Malik’s guesthouse determined not to let things go any further than kissing, hugging and cuddling. But as soon as he had touched her, all self-control went out the window. She knew it would be pointless to put up a front, to pretend she really didn’t want to be with him when she did. How could she deny it when making love to him filled her thoughts day and night?

  “Massai,” she said, taking a deep breath, “I want you with me in my bed.”

  He smiled at her, showing his dimples, “Then that’s exactly where I want to be.”

  20

  MIDNIGHT LOVE

  “Turn around,” Massai gently commanded Alexis.

  Trembling slightly, she turned around, her back to him. He reached down and slowly unzipped the back of her dress.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, bending down to kiss her bare shoulder.

  “I was sure in New Orleans.”

  She let her dress fall to the floor, kicking it across the room, the blue silk landing on the floor near the closet door. Alexis stood before Massai in nothing but a white thong, matching strapless bra and lace-trimmed thigh-highs.

  Massai turned her around and took in her form from head to toe. He took off his jacket and tossed it across the room; it came to rest in a heap atop her dress. “Damn, you are perfect,” he marveled, simultaneously kissing her and walking her over to the bed. Placing his hand at the small of her back, he gently guided her body down onto the soft bedding, never taking his mouth off hers.

  Alexis’s heart was pounding furiously and while she was excited, her nervousness nearly overshadowed her arousal. She was amazed; she hadn’t been this anxious about being intimate with a man since she lost her virginity.

  She unbuttoned Massai’s shirt and slipped it off. His muscles rippled as he balanced himself over her while running his hands down the length of her body.

  “You don’t have to be scared,” he said, sensing her apprehension. “I’ll only do what you want me to.” He removed her thigh-highs and kissed her from her ankles to her navel.

  He slowly removed her remaining garments, paying strict attention to every part of her body. He spent the next hour massaging, caressing, kissing and worshipping her figure.

  Finally, Massai reached into his tuxedo pants pocket and retrieved three condoms. He and stripped down to his black boxer shorts; holding the condom in his left hand. As their kisses deepened and became more passionate, Alexis removed Massai’s boxers and hesitantly held his erection in her hands. He placed the condom in her hand, and she unrolled the latex onto his smooth skin.

  He entered her deeply, causing her to moan with pleasure. Her body movements mirrored his as they fell into an erotic slow dance of emotion and passion. He kissed her mouth, neck, shoulders and breasts, all the while moving smoothly between her legs.

  “Massai…” Alexis whispered, placing her hands on his back to let him know she wanted and needed more. Their fingers intertwined, and she did not know where her body ended and his began. “Massai…” she called out again, feeling a level of desire she never knew existed.

  “I love you,” he whispered in her ear, slowing his stroke.

  “Massai…”

  “I love you, Alexis,” he repeated, moving through her body, heart, mind and soul. “I love you,” he said again, searching for a response in her tear-filled eyes.

  “Don’t hurt me, Massai,” she said, the tears falling onto her pillow. Alexis wasn’t speaking of the physical pain that sometimes accompanied sex but of the emotional pain that always came when she gave her heart away.

  “I love you,” he said once more, kissing the tears from her face.

  She could fight no longer. Her feelings for Massai were much too strong. As scared as she was, she knew that she had to let go of the past and live in the present.

  “I love you, too, Massai,” she said, closing her eyes and saying a silent prayer that she hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of her life.

  21

  THE MORNING AFTER

  “Good morning,” Massai said when Alexis’s eyes blinked open. At first she thought she was dreaming, but when she felt Massai’s lips on her own she knew that she wasn’t.

  “What time is it?” she asked pulling the white bedsheet up around her chest while she used the other hand to push her hair back from her face.

  “One-thirty.”

  “One-thirty! Why didn’t you wake me up?” she asked, glancing at the digital clock.

  “I didn’t wake you up because you were obviously tired. I figured you would get up on your own when you were ready.”

  “How long have you been up?”

  “Since eight. I ran around your apartment complex, took a shower, made breakfast and watched SportsCenter.”

  “Massai, you should have gotten me out of this bed. I would have loved to have gone running with you. ” Alexis sat up and dangled her legs off the bed, her toes touching the carpet.

  “You couldn’t keep up,” he laughed.

  “I would have tried. I want to spend all the time with you that I possibly can, considering you’re leaving in two days.”

  “Come with me.”

  “You know I start work in two weeks.”

  “Excuses, excuses. Why don’t you come on out here and get some of this breakfast I made for you.”

  “Just give me a second to throw something on.”

  “Why can’t you just come to breakfast like that?” Massai asked, tugging at the sheet she had wrapped around her body.

  “That’s gross, Massai,” she said, looking at him skeptically but laughing at the idea.

  “For who? I would love to look at you while I eat.”

  “There is no way I’m going to eat butt naked.”

  “Fine, just put this on and meet me in the kitchen.” He tossed one of his cutoff shirts to her and left the bedroom. Walking past the heap of discarded formalwear into the bathroom, Alexis slipped the shirt over her head and looked at herself in the mirror.

  A shirt that would normally fit Massai perfectly swallowed her and reached all the way down to her knees. Across the chest, big, bold block letters read ‘New Orleans Hornets Basketball’. She brushed her teeth and washed her face and saw that she was glowing. She couldn’t remember a time when she looked or felt this happy; she could become used to this feeling very quickly.

  “What in the world are you doing in there?” he called.

  “I’m coming, I’m coming.” Alexis left the bathroom, and went into the main living area. Something smelled delicious. She joined him at the table and was shocked by the spread before her: Belgian waffles, whipped cream and strawberries. Two champagne flutes filled with Moet mimosa wer
e at the head of each place setting.

  “Am I supposed to believe that you did all this?” she asked as Massai pulled her chair out for her.

  “Who else could have done it?”

  “You didn’t order anything and have it delivered?”

  “Look at all the dirty dishes in the sink,” he said, pointing to the soiled pots, pans and utensils overflowing the sink and spilling onto the counter.

  Alexis rose slightly and looked. “And who’s going to clean all that up?”

  “Well, when I was growing up one person cooked and the other person did the dishes.”

  “I guess that’s fair,” she said grudgingly. She hated doing dishes and, even though she had a fully functioning dishwasher, just the thought of having to scrape and rinse all those dishes made her tired.

  “Your phone rang early this morning after I got out of the shower.”

  “Did you answer it?”

  “What if I did?” he asked, testing the waters, trying to see if she had anyone else waiting in the wings.

  “Then I hope you took a message,” she said, smiling at him and putting a piece of waffle into her mouth.

  “I didn’t answer; just let it ring.”

  “It was probably my mother. I’m sure she was shitting bricks after we left the wedding so quickly.”

  “You didn’t introduce me to anybody. I’m starting to think that you’re embarrassed by me,” Massai said, piling a huge portion of strawberries onto his plate.

  “You know I’m not embarrassed by you. It’s just that yesterday I really didn’t know how to introduce you. Actually, I still don’t.”

  “I’m your man, Alexis, your significant other, your better half.”

  “Just like that, huh?” she asked, smiling across the table at him.

  “Just like that.”

  The telephone rang, interrupting their intimate breakfast. “Hello?” she answered.

  “Do you know what time it is? You were supposed to be over here at noon to help me with this potato salad!” her mother blared. Most of the time Dana was calm and soft-spoken, but if you made her angry there was no telling what would come out of her mouth.