Where I Want To Be

by Maryam Diaab

  “Alexis, this is Massai. I’ve been calling and leaving messages every day for the past week, but I haven’t gotten a response. I need to talk to you. I want us to work this out. Whatever you want me to do, I will do it if it will bring you back into my life. Please call me.”

  Instead of pressing seven as she normally did after listening to a message, she hit nine, saving his message into her voicemail’s memory. Her heart ached for the man she met and fell in love with in New Orleans, but there was no way she could allow herself to call him. She knew that he would just end up making a fool of her again, and she’d had her fill of baby mama drama for a while.

  “Alexis, this is Kevin. Give me a call back when you get a chance.” His message was simple and to the point.

  She thought back to the incident at Seldom Blues. She really wasn’t all that surprised when Kevin behaved the way he had. He was the kind of man who made sure you knew who he was and what he was all about. That night, he had made sure that Massai knew that he still wanted Alexis.

  Against her better judgment and despite residual feelings of anger towards him, she dialed Kevin’s cellphone number from memory.

  “Kevin Washington,” he answered, sounding rushed and out of breath.

  “How are you?” Alexis said, not giving her name. She made sure she dialed star 67 before his number, wanting to make sure he recognized her voice and didn’t slip and call her by another woman’s name.

  “Alexis. You must have gotten my message,” he said, passing the test.

  “I did, although I’m not exactly sure why you called.”

  “Just wanted to clear the air between you and me. I think I may have been a little bit rude when you and your friend were having dinner.”

  “You were more than a little rude, Kevin.”

  “Blame it on jealousy.”

  “Don’t you mean your male ego?”

  “Potato, potata…” Kevin laughed. “So how is your boy? Has he calmed down any?”

  “I wouldn’t know; we’re not together anymore,” she revealed.

  “Oh?” His voice perked up just a little. “I hope your breakup didn’t have anything to do with me.”

  “Don’t flatter yourself, Kevin. It just wasn’t meant to be, and I think we should leave it at that.”

  “Okay, I can respect that. So how have you been?”

  “Okay, I guess. I fell out with Claire and Morgan, so I haven’t been doing much of anything lately.”

  “So you’re just on the outs with everyone?”

  “It’s not my fault. I think people take me for granted and try to run over me, and then when I put a stop to it, they try to bring me down. I’m tired of middle-school games.”

  “Let me take you out,” he said, cutting to the chase.

  “Are you crazy? Didn’t I just tell you that I’m not putting up with anyone else’s mess? I was including you in that, too.”

  “I’m talking about going out as friends. Catch a movie or something just to get your mind off your issues.”

  “Friends?” Alexis asked. She knew better, but in a way going out with Kevin would be a way to get back at Massai, to hurt him as much as he hurt her. And he did have a point, she definitely needed a way to forget about her personal issues, even if it was for just a few hours.

  “Yeah, friends. We can drive separate cars, go Dutch, or whatever will make you feel more comfortable.”

  “I guess there’s no harm in that.”

  “None at all. Let’s go see a movie this weekend.”

  She hesitated and replayed the past few months in her head. Unsettling images of Kevin, Massai, Claire and Morgan all came into her head, causing her to feel both sadness and anger all at the same time.

  In the end, she gave Kevin the answer that he was waiting to hear, “All right, a movie, but don’t get it twisted; we are not going Dutch.”

  28

  ANONYMOUS

  “I can’t understand for the life of me why you are buying maternity clothes when you know you’ll never wear them,” Carlos said, sitting in a chair watching Eva stick a pillow under her shirt and looking at her pretend-pregnant profile in the department-store mirror.

  “I know that and you know that, but Massai doesn’t. I have to make everything seem normal. If I were really pregnant, I would be buying this store out, and that’s what he expects. If I didn’t buy any maternity clothes, he would suspect something.”

  “Eva, this isn’t right,” Carlos said as she tucked an even bigger pillow under her shirt. “How long are you going to keep this up?”

  “As long as it takes. Do you know it’s been almost three months since I told Massai that I was pregnant and he is still moping around about losing his precious Alexis?”

  “I’m getting sick of this crazy shit, Eva. Look at you. You’re jamming pillows under your clothes. I think you’re taking this too far. Maybe you should go talk to somebody—a counselor or something.”

  “What are you talking about? He totally bought the doctor’s note, and he’s letting me stay there, so I’m well on my way,” she said, sounding smugly confident.

  “I still don’t understand how you got that doctor to sign that pregnancy-verification slip.”

  She turned around and looked at herself from another angle. “I told you I know the nurse in the office two doors down from where I used to work. We’ve been cool ever since I came from Chicago. She owed me a favor, and it was time to collect.”

  “You need to come clean. Stop this crazy shit right now before it ends up really ugly. What are you going to do when he finds out?”

  “He won’t. I’ve got everything worked out. In fact, in just a couple of weeks I’ll be faking my miscarriage. Can’t get too far along, now can I? Then I can return all these clothes and get something in my real size, something fabulous.”

  Carlos just stared at her. Somehow she looked different to him—selfish and almost insane. Where her hair used to shine and bounce, it now seemed dry and limp. Eyes that used to sparkle now flashed with lies, deceit and schemes. At that moment, he decided it was all or nothing; she would have to stop what she was doing, or they would have to end.

  “Eva, look, this has gone far enough. No amount of money in the world is worth all this. How do you even keep your lies straight? I’m beginning to think that you really are crazy, and I’m even crazier for putting up with you.”

  “I’m not crazy; I’m focused and ambitious, but not crazy. Haven’t we been through this before?”

  “I want you to stop or we’re done.”

  Eva turned around sharply, letting the pillow fall to the floor. “What did you say?”

  “I want you to forget all this pregnancy shit or we’re done.”

  “Are you serious?” she hissed, her eyes narrowing.

  He didn’t answer. He just looked at her, waiting for a response to his ultimatum.

  “Please don’t think you can tell me what to do. You do not have that much clout. I really don’t need you, and if you leave now, then there will just be more money for me.”

  “So that’s your decision?”

  “Yes. I’m not giving this up,” she said, bending down to pick up the pillow. “You’re not worth it.”

  Without saying good-bye, Carlos slowly rose from his seat and left. He felt as if a lead weight had been lifted off his chest, and though he knew he would miss the sweet and sexy side of Eva, he could no longer be with someone so evil and malicious. He stepped into the scorching New Orleans sun and thought of Massai and what he must be going through. He was part of the problem, and knew that nothing would be right in his own life until he fixed the situation he helped to create. He then knew exactly what his next move would be.

  * * *

  Two months had passed since Massai had told Alexis that Eva was pregnant, and he hadn’t spoken to her since. In the beginning, he would call every day and leave messages, but she would not return his calls. Once she did answer, but upon hearing his voice slammed the phone down so h
ard it left his eardrums ringing. Lately though, as the NBA’s preseason loomed closer and his workload increased, he didn’t have the time or the fortitude to keep making these daily calls. He was still in love with Alexis and hadn’t lost hope that they would put aside all their issues and get married, but he was beginning to think it was definitely a long shot.

  Life with Eva was becoming almost unbearable for him. It made him sick to his stomach to watch her prance around in T-shirts carrying parenting magazines. The happiness he always thought he would experience with a child on the way was not there. All he felt was anger, disappointment and animosity towards Eva for turning his life upside down.

  Just a week ago she mentioned wanting to start putting the baby’s nursery together. Massai had looked at her as if she was crazy. “Don’t you think you should at least be showing before we start setting up a nursery?”

  “Some pregnant women don’t show until they’re well into their sixth month. Do you think I want to be upstairs painting a room and putting together furniture when I’m as big as a house?”

  Massai didn’t answer and they hadn’t talked about it since. But after looking at his online banking statement a few days later and seeing a two-thousand-dollar purchase from an upscale baby store, Massai knew that Eva hadn’t listened to a word he said.

  Going to the custom-made basketball court made Massai smile. Built in the middle of his home, just behind the main stairway, the court was the only place he really felt comfortable. He walked over to the metal basketball rack, admiring the wonderful job the cleaning crew had done. The turquoise and yellow accents reflected his team colors and the wooden floor proclaimed his jersey number, 26, in the center.

  He stood on the free-throw line and bounced the ball twice before shooting. The ball hit the rim, widely missing the hoop. “Figures,” he said to no one in particular. “I can’t get anything right.”

  For the better part of an hour, he stood on that line working on his form and accuracy and reviewing his personal life. His life was going in an unwanted and unplanned direction, and he realized he was losing control of his situation. He needed a way to regain focus and a sense of purpose. Massai needed to find a way to prove to Alexis that he was ready to commit to her for an eternity.

  Massai had just started running the length of his NBA-regulation court when his cell phone began ringing loudly from the corner of the gym. He considered not answering until Alexis’s phone number flashed on the screen in his thoughts. He quickly changed his mind. When he reached the phone, he was disappointed to see that the number was blocked, but it was always possible she simply didn’t want him to know the number she was calling from.

  “Hello?” he said, exhausted and out of breath.

  “Is this Massai Taylor?” a male voice that he didn’t recognize asked.

  “Yeah, who is this?” he asked, hoping that the caller wasn’t some deranged fan.

  “An anonymous concerned caller.”

  “Let me tell you something, man. You don’t need to concern yourself about me,” he said, getting ready to hang up.

  “You should be concerned about what Eva’s been telling you.”

  “Who is this?” he asked, suddenly realizing that the caller was no ordinary fan. This person knew Eva and, because of that association, probably knew him as well.

  “I’m the guy who Eva tells all her business to. You don’t know me, but I know a hell of a lot about you,” the mystery caller said.

  “How did you get my number?” he was angry but curious at the same time.

  “As I said, I know a lot about you. Your phone number is just the tip of the iceberg.”

  “That’s not answering my question. How did you get my number?”

  “Let’s just say that I have intimate access to Eva’s phone book.”

  “So what do you want?”

  “I just want to let you know that Eva is not who or what she claims to be. I know that she has been telling you she is pregnant, but if I were you, I would get her tested by a doctor of my choosing. You play for the Hornets; I‘m sure you have a team doctor who would do you a favor.”

  “So you’re saying that she isn’t pregnant?”

  “Oh, it’s not like she hasn’t tried. She used a sewing needle to poke holes into your rubbers. What I am saying is that she’s with you for a lot of reasons, but having a baby purely because she loves you isn’t one of them.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” Massai asked, still trying to place the caller’s voice.

  “Because I know what kind of woman she really is, and it wouldn’t be right if I let this continue without at least giving you a heads-up.”

  “What’s your name?” he asked, already planning to confront her with the information.

  The caller hesitated, obviously trying to decide whether or not to reveal his identity. “Carlos.” And with that he hung up, leaving Massai to digest what he had just been told.

  Massai looked around the gym, expecting Malik to jump out of a dark corner laughing his head off. The phone call had practical joke written all over it. If it wasn’t a joke, then something was very wrong. When no one appeared after a couple of minutes, Massai began to think the call may have been serious.

  Opening his cellphone, he quickly placed a call to the Hornets’ team doctor. The doctor’s jovial voice answered after several rings.

  “Dr. Warner, this is Massai. How are you?”

  “I’m fine. Enjoying this beautiful weather with a game of golf. How about you?”

  “Just working out a little bit, trying not to get rusty.”

  “Good, good. Have to keep that knee strong. You’re not having any problems with it, are you?” the doctor asked, referring to an old college injury that bothered him from time to time.

  “No, no, my knee is feeling strong. That’s not why I called.”

  “Well, what can I help you with?”

  “I feel bad asking you this, but it’s kind of necessary,” Massai said, embarrassed by his situation. “My ex-girlfriend says she’s pregnant, but I really don’t know what to believe. I was wondering if we could come by sometime soon so you can give her a blood test?”

  “You know, Massai, a few of your teammates have come to me with that same request, so it really isn’t that unusual. I’m out of the office today but if you could stop by tomorrow I’ll perform the test and get the results for you within an hour.”

  “That soon, huh?” he said, smiling at the prospect of finally knowing the truth.

  “Yes. Normally it takes a couple of days for blood-test results to come back, but we have a lab right in our office so we can get the results back in a matter of minutes, depending on the type of test.”

  “I really appreciate it, and we will definitely see you tomorrow.” Massai hung up, hoping the test results would be his salvation.

  29

  BABY DADDY

  “How are you?” Alexis asked, sliding into the passenger seat next to Kevin. This was their second outing as platonic friends and her thought was so far so good.

  “I am fine. How are you?” he said, smiling at her.

  “Tired. Exhausted, really. These past few weeks at work have really drained me. I think I could sleep for twenty-four hours and not wake up once.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to going dancing? I can always take a rain check.” The new “just friends” Kevin was just as thoughtful as “boyfriend” Kevin was but without wanting something in return. Not once since they had been hanging out together and talking on the phone had he tried anything sexual. She was pleasantly surprised.

  “No, I’ll be fine. I’m sure I’ll wake up once we get there.”

  “Good, because I didn’t want to take you back home, anyway, considering you made me wait over a month to see you again.”

  “Well, I’ve been busy. The start of the new school year is always so hectic.”

  “I’m not complaining. I’ll take whatever I can get. You look nice, by the way.”

 
“Thank you. And you look adorably casual yourself,” she replied, not used to seeing him in anything other than a suit or boxers. She didn’t mean for it to hint of flirting; it just came so naturally. The more time Alexis spent with him, the more she remembered why she had fallen for him almost a year ago. Of course, she could never forget how he had lied to her or the heartache he had caused, but she had forgiven him.

  Kevin looked at her, his smile widening. “You’re actually looking better than I’ve ever seen you, and that’s a feat in itself. Are you gaining weight or something?”

  She glared at him. “What?” she asked loudly. “No, I have not gained any weight!”

  “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I was just trying to say that it looks like you’ve filled out a little. It looks good.”

  “I wear the same size I have always worn, so you must be imagining things,” Alexis said, not revealing that her pants and bras had become a bit more snug recently.

  “Okay, okay. I see I’ve hit a nerve. I just meant that you look beautiful,” he said, softening his voice.

  They avoided the subject of weight the rest of the way to the community center, where they were going for their first ballroom-dancing class. He had made the suggestion after their movie date, saying that it would be fun, and she agreed.

  After their arrival, the ninety minutes went by slowly for Alexis. The community center felt like it was a suffocating inferno. More than once she became so light-headed she had to take a break, forcing Kevin to partner with an older woman whose hands roamed below the belt and whose clothes smelled of cigarette smoke. The full, half and quarter turns the instructor kept calling out made her feel so dizzy and nauseated that at least twice she ran to the bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet, expecting to lose her breakfast, lunch and last night’s dinner.

  “I’m so sorry,” she apologized, practically collapsing onto the passenger’s seat. The two had to the leave dance class early, and now Kevin was driving slowly and cautiously, praying that she wouldn’t regurgitate on his leather seats.