“No,” she whispered, almost too quietly to hear. “It’s not right. I didn’t think this through.” Panic exploded in her chest and she couldn’t get a full breath.
Callie placed her hands on either side of Regan’s face, searching her eyes. “What? What is it?”
“It’s not right,” she repeated dully, not having any idea what else to say.
Slowly, Callie scooted out from under her leg and sat up. She slid her fingers into her hair and pushed it from where it had fallen into her face. She looked calm, almost resigned. The way she’d probably looked when a woman she’d wanted didn’t pan out.
But Callie sat there, looking into Regan’s eyes. “Is it too soon?”
The concerned voice was a warm hug. That was it. That was something to hold on to. Who was the real Callie? The woman who looked like she’d combust if they didn’t have sex or the gentle friend who, she knew, would take a bullet for her? It was impossible to tell. They’d only had two weeks together. The panic started to ebb. They could figure this out. She nodded quickly and decisively. “Yes. That’s it. It’s too soon.”
“You’re still conflicted about Angela?”
Regan dropped her head and nodded. “I guess I am. I’m definitely confused.”
Callie wrapped her in a comforting hug, murmuring into her ear, “It’s okay. Really. It’s okay. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. It’s fine, Regan. It’s fine.”
Regan had no idea how she was able to switch gears so quickly, but she’d never been more grateful to anyone. Callie had diffused a terrible situation with just a few words and a gentle hug. The temptation was fierce to fall back into her arms and kiss her until dawn, but it was too confusing. Nothing made sense, and she’d never have sex with someone she wasn’t sure of.
Regan gazed into Callie’s eyes for a long time. “Are you sure? I never, ever want to do anything to hurt you or our friendship.” That was the truth. That was one thing that couldn’t change, no matter what.
“You haven’t hurt a thing. We’ll just chalk this up to…” She laughed softly. “Something, and put it away. No pressure.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. We’ll slow down. Give you time to catch up to where I am.”
They kissed tenderly, the pull so strong it hurt deep in Regan’s chest. Who had leaned in first? It was impossible to say. When she pulled away, Callie’s lips followed her, and the longing in her eyes made Regan’s heart begin to thump quickly. “The worst thing we could do is try and fail to make it as a couple. That would devastate me,” she said, meaning every word.
“You’re right. It’s too important to make a mistake. You’ve got to be ready.”
“Yes, yes!” Regan took her by the shoulders and pressed harder than she should have. “That would be awful! As bad as it was for me when I left Angela.” Callie burrowed against her body and Regan felt the reassuring safety of Callie’s warmth.
“It means so much to me to have you feel like that about our friendship. It’s a wonderful feeling.”
“I won’t hurt you, Callie. I promise I won’t.”
*
After brushing their teeth, they deliberately got back into bed, each of them almost hanging off her respective side. Callie tried to clear her mind of the swirling emotions that could have kept her up all night. She finally calmed herself with the obvious truth. Regan was attracted to her. There was no doubt about that. All she had to do was wait for her to flush the remains of Angela from her system, and they would be able to kiss and never stop. Never, ever stop. It would take some time, but she had plenty of that. Waiting for something wonderful was always worth it. Regan just needed to clear her head of bad memories.
She replayed in her mind the fantastic sensations that Regan had just gifted her with. Thinking of those soft, insistent lips, and the power she felt in that lithe body, Callie imagined the day when they’d share a bed with not a hairsbreadth between them. There was no question. Regan would be the partner she’d always wanted. Honest, loyal, compelling, alluring. Every lovely attribute she could want. That was Regan.
*
The next morning the alarm woke them long before either was ready to get out of bed. Regan was grumbling to herself when she shuffled into the bathroom, and Callie got up and started packing so they could stop and get a cup of coffee before they went to the airport.
When Regan came out of the bath, she stood in the doorway of the bedroom and seemed unusually unsure of herself. Callie looked up and saw her bloodshot eyes and the dark smudges under them. “Are you okay?” She tried not to be too obvious about how bad Regan looked.
“No.” She walked over to the bed and sat down right next to Callie. “I couldn’t sleep. I…I want to make something clear,” she said, as Callie noticed her hands were shaking.
“About last night?”
Regan looked up, giving her a relieved gaze. “Yeah. I want to explain, but I don’t know how. I acted really impulsively and that’s not like me. I just hope…”
Callie put a hand on her shoulder. “I told you last night that it was fine. I meant that.”
“But I want to make sure you know…”
“I know you care about me, right?” Callie asked gently.
Regan’s eyes closed and she looked terribly sad, like she would start crying at any second. “Yeah.” Her voice was hoarse and rough. “Very much.”
“And you know how much I care about you too, right?”
A faint smile turned up the corners of her mouth. “Yeah,” she nodded, looking down.
“But you’re still grieving.” She squatted down so she was at eye-level with Regan and she stared deeply into her eyes. “Our friendship has to come first, right?”
Regan looked like she wanted to say something, but she shook her head the faintest amount and returned Callie’s gaze. “Right.”
“And we both have to be ready, right?”
Now looking more sure, Regan nodded forcefully. “Right. That’s critical.” She stood up and put her hands on Callie’s shoulders. “I’ll try to be the best friend you’ve ever had…I promise that.”
Chapter Eighteen
Callie was on the phone with Terri during the entire drive from DFW airport to her apartment. She lost the signal for a few minutes, but called her back once she was in her room. “So…I think I’m going to move there.”
“That’s crazy! You moved to Dallas for Marina and now you’re going to move to Boston for Regan. I hope you don’t meet someone from Cuba. You can’t legally move there, you know.”
“I moved to Dallas for Marina. That’s the truth. But I’m moving to Boston for more than Regan. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I loved it, Terri. You’ve been there…you know.”
“I liked it, but I didn’t love it. It’s too big of a city for me.”
“Ooo, not for me. We walked from one end to the other and it only took a couple of hours. It didn’t seem that big to me. Not at all. And you can get by without a car. Try that in Phoenix.”
“You could do it. The Anasazi didn’t have cars.” It was clear Terri was teasing, but Callie knew her friend would never share her need for lots of activities and changing weather.
“I’m going to do it, Ter. I should have done something like this years ago. Then I might have avoided wasting a year and a half of my life with Marina.”
“I wish you hadn’t had that fiasco, but it let you know you could be with a woman.”
“I think I always knew that. But now I want to be with one. I want it so badly I can taste it.”
“But you don’t know she wants the same thing. It’d probably be smarter to wait until she’s ready to take that next step.”
“Maybe,” she agreed. “But I’ve wasted too many years living someplace I didn’t love. I can’t let Regan decide where I live and when I live there. Besides, if I’m there, she’ll slip again and next time she won’t want to bail out. I’m certain of that.”
*
That night,
Regan called, and Callie could tell she wasn’t quite herself as soon as she said, “Hello.”
“Hi. Did you get a nap today?”
“No, I went in to work. Delaney needed a day off, and since she took up some of my slack this week, I thought I’d better return the favor.”
“You sound grouchy. Did you have a bad day?”
“No, it was fine. But there’s something on my mind. It’s been gnawing at me. I guess that makes me a little…off.”
“What is it?”
“It’s…it’s about what happened last night.”
“Hey,” Callie soothed. “I promise you that was nothing to worry about.”
“I’m not worried,” she began, but stopped herself short. “Maybe I am. I’m not real clear right now.”
“Tell me what’s going on. Come on. You can tell me anything. Promise.”
Regan hesitated for a few seconds, then said, “I really want you to move here. I know you’d love it, and I know I’d love to see you a lot more often. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to have you live with me.”
It felt as though she’d been kicked. Regan didn’t sound cold, but her tone made clear that her mind was made up. It seemed impossible to talk without betraying her hurt, but she had to try. “I don’t have to come at all. Maybe it’s best.”
“No, that’s not it. I’d love to have you here. I just don’t think living together is good.”
“Well, we don’t live together now…so I guess we don’t have to in Boston.” She was trying to sound lighthearted, but she was sure it wasn’t working.
“I want to be clear about something. I’m not a person who says things just to make someone feel better. I try to be honest, even when I wish I didn’t have to be. I truly want you to move here. I’m one hundred percent certain about that. I just think I need the experience of living alone. I don’t like it, but I think it’s good for me. I think it’s helping me mature.”
“You’re more mature than anyone I know. But I think you know yourself really well, and if you think you need this, you probably do.”
“I think I do. But that’s obviously not the only reason. I really don’t act impulsively very often, and what I did last night puzzles the heck out of me. I need to figure out what’s going on in my head and I think that’d be hard for me with you right here. I promised you I wouldn’t hurt you, and I have to live alone to make sure I can keep that promise.”
Callie felt an ache welling up in her chest. “You’re a good friend. I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me this, but I admire you for doing it.”
“I don’t want you to admire me, I want you to believe me.”
Callie could feel the depth of Regan’s sincerity and she found herself smiling when she said, “I think I’ll do both.”
*
Later that night Callie reached Terri after she’d gotten off work. After they’d talked for a long time Terri said, “Tell me again what she said. Try to think of the exact words.”
“She said she was confused when we kissed. She needs to figure out how she feels and she’s worried she can’t do that with me living with her.”
“That sounds…not great.”
“Why?” Callie felt her ire rise. Terri wasn’t going to ruin her high. “She’s being honest. That’s good.”
“Yeah, it is, but that sounds like what an honest woman would say when she’s done something she wishes she hadn’t done. I hate to be negative, but it sounds to me like she wants to keep things at the friendship level.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you’d been in my shoes on Saturday night,” Callie said, still tingling from their kisses. “She wants me. There’s no doubt about it. She just has to flush Angela out of her system.”
“Couldn’t she want you but still decide not to be with you? I can’t guess why someone wouldn’t want you, but…” She was silent for a moment. “I love you, and I’m single. But I’d rather be your friend than your lover. Could she be like me?”
“No. No way. You and I have never even kissed. It’s never been that way between us. But with Regan…we did more than kiss. She wanted me. Badly. But then something crept into her head and made her pull back. It’s temporary. I’m sure of that.”
“I hope you’re right, ’cause she sounds like a keeper. A mature, honest woman who’s good looking is as rare as a virgin in a whorehouse. Hell, mature, honest women who’d break mirrors are rare. A good looking one is unheard of!”
*
The next morning Delaney walked into Regan’s office to find her leaning back in her chair, feet up on her desk, a large cup of coffee in her hands. “Don’t you look like the cock of the walk?”
“Hrmpf.” Taking her feet off the desk, Regan sat up straight and focused on her computer screen.
“How was your day off, Delaney? Did you do anything interesting?” Delaney asked, continuing to load on the sarcasm.
“Glad you’re back. The Fleming-DiFillipos just added another ten people to the guest list. You’re gonna have to come up with some creative ideas to shoehorn another soul into the hall.”
Delaney sat down opposite her sister. “What’s going on with you? You look like your favorite pet died.”
“Nothin’.” Regan continued to stare at her screen, paging through a document.
“Don’t bullshit me. You were upset after you saw Angela, but you got over it really quickly. Now you’re down in the dumps again.” She narrowed her eyes as she scanned Regan’s face. “Did you have a fight with Callie?”
Regan snorted. “No. We’ve never had a fight.”
“You know,” Delaney said, propping her feet up on the desk as she settled in, “I never asked how you know Callie.”
Now the blue eyes focused even more fervently on the screen. “She used to go out with someone Angela worked with. We hit it off.”
“Right.” Delaney was still looking at her critically. “If you ask me—”
“I didn’t.” Regan finally looked at her. “I’m swamped. Can we chat later?”
“No, I’ll be swamped later.” She gave her the patented superior smile she’d been using since the day Regan was born. “If you ask me, you and Callie should hook up.”
With her mouth set in a grimace, Regan snapped, “I didn’t ask you. I’m perfectly able to find a girlfriend on my own.”
“You didn’t do so well last time, but I hate to say I told you so.”
Scowling, Regan said, “You love to say you told me so.”
“True. But Callie’s just your type. She’s your age, she’s a lot of fun, and she’s prettier than you are. You’re a solid seven, but she’s a nine. She’s a step up.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean it.” She sat there for a few seconds. “Oh, I know what’s wrong. You want to go out with her, but she shot you down.”
“Not true. Not even a little.”
“Why not ask her out?”
Regan squeezed her eyes shut and tried to control her temper. “We’re friends. Just friends.”
“Hmm, there’s something there. I can’t tell if you want her and can’t have her or if she wants you. But there’s definitely something there.” She took a pencil from the desk and tapped her chin with it. “I wonder which it is?”
“Fine! Here’s the whole story. I’m attracted to her, like any sane woman would be. But it’s not gonna happen and I’m pissed off about it.”
“So she shot you down.”
“No!” She lowered her voice and repeated, “No. That’s not how it is. I’d love to be with her, but we’re not looking for the same thing.”
“What’s she looking for? Another nine?” She snickered when Regan glared at her.
“Do you want me to answer or do you just want to torture me?”
“Both, but I’ll take the answer.”
Regan stood up and fussed with her hair for a moment, checking it out in a mirrored sign on the wall. Then she sat on the edge of the desk and looked down at her boat shoes while she swu
ng her feet back and forth. “I’m ready to settle down, and Callie’s shown that she’s not there yet.”
“How has she shown that?”
“I don’t wanna get into it, but trust me, she’s made some choices that show she isn’t looking for the same kind of commitment I am.”
“You’re looking for perfection, Regan. You’ll never find it. If you’re into her, go out with her. You can work around most problems.”
“Not ones like this.” Regan didn’t say anything else, but her statement had such authority to it that Delaney got up and quietly walked out of the office, knowing when she’d heard the last word.
*
Callie spent the next couple of weeks talking to family and friends about her plans. When she called her father, he let the news sink in for a moment. “I want to be on your side and congratulate you, Chicklet, but I’m really gonna miss you. I’ve loved having you here in Texas.”
“I’ve loved being close to you, Dad. But I know I’m going to be happier in New England. It’s the right place for me.”
“Then I’ll get over my disappointment and look forward to you visiting me. How’s that?”
“That’s good. How about you coming to Boston?”
“In the summer. I’d definitely come in the summer. But you won’t get me out there in the winter. Don’t even try.”
“I wouldn’t ask. I know how you hate the cold.”
“Now, you’ll probably tell me it’s none of my business, but I still think there must be something between you and Regan.”
Callie paused a second. There was something, but it didn’t have a name yet. It felt like it might jinx it to talk about it before things were clear, so she kept it vague. “There might be something between us. But it’s nothing concrete.”
Doublecrossed Page 18
