“Too alike how?”
“We both like to be in control.” She grinned shyly and her hooded eyes showed she was embarrassed. “Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m the opposite. I’m the rabbit, always looking for a cute fox to catch me.” She leaned against Regan and they both laughed.
“I’m naturally the fox. But I can adapt if I’m with someone who also likes to chase. But Angela didn’t have one bit of rabbit in her. Not even one of those cute little whiskers.”
“Ooo. And that made you always be the bunny.”
“Yeah. And that would have been okay if it was only our sex life that was like that. But it was a lot more. She wanted me to be the rabbit all of the time, in every part of our lives. She wanted to pay for me, to keep our checkbook, to make our social plans, to make a decision to refinance the house…without telling me,” she grumbled, obviously still miffed about that decision. “She wanted me to be her wife. The kind of wife my grandmother is to my grandfather.”
Callie looked at her, letting her eyes wander from her strong features and set jaw down to her square shoulders, wiry, muscled arms and strong legs. “You don’t seem like that type to me. At all.”
“I’m not. I never was. I never will be. It was a low-grade struggle that went on in the background. She’d do something and I’d push back. We didn’t actually fight very often, but it was always there, buzzing in the distance. I had to fight for every bit of autonomy I had, and frankly, it was tiring.”
“I wonder…” Callie closed her mouth quickly. “Never mind.”
“What?” Regan leaned against her.
“I was wondering how Marina and Angela…did it. They both have to be in control. Maybe that’s why Marina claimed she wasn’t into her.”
“Ugh! I hate to think of them together. And not just because of the cheating. Thinking of Angela with another woman drives me crazy.”
“Never mind.” Callie put a hand on her leg and rubbed it quickly.
“No, you’ve got me thinking about it now. It’s lodged inside.” She slapped the side of her head as though she could knock the thought out. “Marina was never passive?”
“Noo.” Callie laughed. “That’s not in her repertory.”
“You’ve got me. Maybe Angela was…” She stopped and thought for a few moments, then shook her head. “Nope. I can’t see it.”
“I wouldn’t have believed that Marina could fake it, but she must have. Angela wouldn’t have come back for more if Marina didn’t put on an act.”
“She sounds like a real winner.”
That hurt. There was something so derisive about the comment and her tone that she allowed the words to get in for the first time. No matter how she might tear Marina down, she’d chosen her and having Regan talk about her so disparagingly cut too close to the core. She didn’t want to hear another dig so she changed the topic. “Do you think your need for autonomy is the real reason you won’t give her another chance?”
“It’s all wrapped up together. Even if Angela could let go of her need to be in control, it would never be the real her. It’s an elemental part of her personality. I guess I don’t believe a tiger can change her spots. She’d be faking it.”
“Probably. But if the behavior is what you want…”
“I don’t want a girlfriend who’s letting me chase her. I want things to be spontaneous. It would take so much effort for her to be the rabbit that we’d never be able to just be ourselves.”
“The negotiating would wear me out.” She leaned on Regan again and whispered, “It’s much easier to find a girlfriend who wants to boss you around than it is to find one who wants to share equally. Luckily, I don’t mind a bit if my lover wants to make the decisions. If she wants to do all the work, I can relax and do my own thing.”
“That’s what I need,” Regan said longingly. She jerked noticeably, and Callie felt her muscles tighten. “I mean, you know…when I’m ready…later on…after I…” She looked at Callie with a pleading look in her eyes.
“I get that. Some day…waaaaay in the future.” She held her hand out over her eyes, as though she were trying to see across the ocean. “Weeks or months or years or decades from now, you’d like a relationship where you can be yourself. Right?” She smiled at her, trying to look as non-threatening as possible.
Regan leaned heavily against her and let out a sigh of relief. “Yeah. That’s exactly right. Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“I won’t,” Regan said, then started to giggle, sounding more girlish than Callie had ever heard her.
Chapter Twenty
That night, in her bed, Callie spent a long time reflecting on what Regan had said. It was almost more than she could bear: to know that Regan was not only a good, moral, thoughtful, beautiful woman, but that she was a true top was enough to make her swoon. She’d been thinking about the issue with an almost detached perspective, but when she couldn’t stop thinking, she decided she had to release some tension to get to sleep. She slipped her hand between her bare legs and was amused to discover her body had been thinking about sex, even when her mind hadn’t. Her fingers slipped around her clit, so thoroughly lubricated she had to stroke herself firmly to get any friction. But she didn’t mind. Thinking about Regan lying on top of her, bearing down with her weight, making Callie squirm under her was all she needed to propel herself to climax after climax until her wrist hurt and the tips of her fingers pruned. Please make it soon, she pleaded, as she drifted off. I know you want it as much as I do.
*
On the fourth of July, Callie was trying to lift a heavy cooler full of water and soft drinks. She only had to take it a few hundred feet, but the sand was hot and she hadn’t kept her flip-flops on, even though Regan had warned her to. She made it across the sand by jumping into the air every second or third step, and she could hear Regan laughing all the way across the beach.
“Told you so.”
“Experience is the best teacher.” She flopped down on the blanket making sure no part of her was in the sun. “It’s crowded!”
“It’s the fourth of July. You expected just a few Mannings out here?”
“Well, no…but how do I know? I’ve never been on the beach for fireworks. There must be four times as many people as on a regular weekend.”
“Everybody comes for fireworks. You’re gonna love ’em. I just hope my nephews don’t cry the whole time like they did last year. Kinda ruined it.”
“They’re a year older now.”
“Yeah, but they still cry a lot. Max especially. He’s a drama queen.”
“Don’t let Delaney hear you say that!”
“Ahh, you’ve noticed that no one in the family can critique anything the boys do?”
“I’m not going to answer that. I want everyone to like me.”
“Ha! I’d like to see the fool that doesn’t like you.” Regan smiled so genuinely that Callie felt herself fall in love with her for the thousandth time.
*
Hours later, when it was dark and everyone was tired from their long day in the surf and sun, the first big “pop” went off. Minutes later, Delaney and Ray gathered up their two bundles of tears and picked their way through the crowd, headed home.
“Maybe next year,” Regan said.
“Shouldn’t we help them? They’ve got a lot of stuff.”
“Nah. If she wants help she’ll order us around. Other than that, you’ll just be standing there, looking stupid.”
“I wish they hadn’t taken all of those blankets. I’m cold!”
“Cold? It’s probably seventy degrees.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll tell my goose bumps they’re mistaken.”
“Come here.” Regan was sitting in a sand chair and she wiggled a finger to indicate Callie should sit in front of her. “Lean up against my legs and then you can pull my blanket up over yourself.”
Thinking this was a fine idea, Callie ditched her own chair and settled herself right
in front of Regan. She pulled the blanket up over her feet and legs, and was able to rest against Regan’s shins, letting her lean her head back to see the explosions. “The boys might have liked it better if we hadn’t been so close,” Callie said. “We’re about one inch away from the barrier.”
“When they’re here before me they can choose the spot.” Regan tugged on a lock of Callie’s hair, then grasped another handful. “Boy, your hair is really thick.”
“Really?” she said, disingenuously. “I’m not sure you’re right. Maybe you should experiment more to make sure.”
“Oh, you like your head rubbed, huh?” Regan started running her fingers across Callie’s scalp, making her purr with delight.
“I love that. But I also like just having bits of it pulled. Gently, of course.”
“Of course.”
Callie let her head rest against Regan’s knees, watching the fireworks explode over their heads while Regan gently tugged on bits of her hair. “How’s that?” she asked, leaning over to speak directly into Callie’s ear.
“God,” she moaned. “I mean…good. Really good.” She dearly hoped Regan couldn’t see her looking like she was about to drool.
*
One beautiful August afternoon they lay on the grass of the Boston Common, stretching out their legs after a fifteen-mile run. It was a perfect day and Callie knew they would probably stay outside until they were so hungry they had to give in and go back to her apartment for dinner.
Regan got up and jogged over to a vendor who was selling ice cream. She ran back with two chocolate covered confections and smiled when Callie dug into hers as though she hadn’t eaten in a week. When Regan finished gulping her own ice cream down she pointed the stick at Callie and said, “Do you know who we never talk about anymore? Marina,” she said decisively before Callie could answer.
“Sounds like progress to me. I like not talking or thinking about her.”
“I guess you don’t want to talk about her now, but some things about your relationship have always puzzled me.”
Callie lay down on the grass and stared at the deep blue sky. “Ask away. I’m feeling so good that I can tolerate thinking about Marina.”
“Stop me if this is too personal, but I’ve always wondered why you agreed to having an open relationship.”
“I think we talked about this one of the first times we spoke. Didn’t we?” She lifted her head just enough to be able to see Regan’s face.
“Yeah, I think it was one of the first times, but I didn’t know you very well then and you didn’t elaborate. I’m interested in how the whole thing played out, if you feel like talking about it.”
“I don’t have any secrets from you. If you’re interested, I’ll tell you anything.”
“I’ve always gotten the impression that it was Marina’s idea.”
“Oh, yeah. It was all her idea. At first I dismissed it without even considering it. But she was really persistent. She was in Dallas and I was in Phoenix and she came to see me a lot.” She emphasized the last word dramatically.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Regan said smiling at her. “That smile of yours could make women weep.”
“I think you’re exaggerating.” Callie couldn’t help but show her best smile. It was fun to taunt her a little bit. Regan was so transparent about some things that it made toying with her irresistible. Her blue eyes opened wide, and she stared at the smile a moment longer than a friend would have. Desire infused her expression, but Callie didn’t push. She knew the key to their future relationship was to wait for Regan to be ready. “She was very persistent. And she kept reminding me why Rob and I had broken up. Over time, she convinced me that having a little ‘breathing room’ as she liked to call it made fidelity much less of an issue.” She rolled over onto her belly and rested her weight on her arms. “I know you probably don’t see it this way, but our agreement isn’t what caused us to break up. The fact that she was dishonest was the problem.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. Open relationships are really pretty common, especially for gay men. I think, if both people feel the same about it, it can work.”
“Not for me it wouldn’t. Never.”
“I’m not the spokesperson for open relationships. It takes a certain kind of person and you’re not that person.” Callie smiled warmly at her. “I think you’re the kind of person who would give her all to one woman. I’m just sorry the woman you chose wasn’t able to accept everything you had to give her.”
Looking hauntingly sad, Regan nodded her head. “Yeah. Me, too. Sometimes you can’t help but fall for the wrong person. I guess the key is to learn from it so you don’t have to repeat your mistake.”
“You won’t. I’m sure of that.”
“So am I,” Regan agreed firmly. “Never again. I’d rather have a girlfriend with no sex drive at all than have one who cheats on me.”
“That’s being a little extreme. Sex is too important to throw it away, girl.”
“Not as important as honesty,” Regan said, her pretty mouth set in a grim line. “Well, I guess the issue is fidelity. I could take an occasional lie about something that wasn’t critical. But I would never, ever accept cheating. Never,” she emphasized, her eyes almost glowing with fervor. “I’m one hundred percent monogamous, and if I’m going to be, so is my partner. No excuses.”
Laughing, Callie said, “I think you might be the spokesperson for monogamy.”
“We need one,” she replied, frowning. “It’s almost out of style.”
*
Regan lay next to Callie that night, smelling her sweet scent and longing for her in a way that was physically painful. The words they’d both spoken in the park flitted around annoyingly. It wasn’t possible to be any clearer. She was antagonistic to open relationships. Being in one was the same—exactly the same—as casually dating. But Callie claimed she’d loved Marina and that they’d been partners. She could call it whatever she liked, but that wasn’t what a partnership was. The amazing thing was that Callie had taken the whole discussion very lightly, as though it hadn’t pertained to her. There had to be a way to get more clarity. No matter the expense.
*
They were at Callie’s apartment the next evening, trying to decide whether to order Chinese or Thai. They finally picked Thai, and after calling in the order, they settled onto the sectional to have a beer while they waited. Regan took a sip of her beer and said, “You know, there’s something that’s been niggling at the back of my head.” Callie playfully tried to see the back of Regan’s head but she was unsuccessful.
“I’m being serious.”
Callie reached out and gently touched her on the leg. “I can see that. What is it?”
“Do you ever think I’m too narrow minded about fidelity? I wonder if you think that I’m immature or that I don’t have a big enough worldview or something.” She felt very uncomfortable, and knew that Callie could see that.
“I don’t think that at all. Nothing like that has ever crossed my mind.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. Really. I think you really have to want a certain kind of relationship to have it be open. And I try not to judge people about how they behave sexually. I learned that after I reacted so badly with Rob. People have different ways of getting their needs met, and if they’re not hurting anyone I try not to be judgmental.”
Regan nodded slowly. “I’m pretty judgmental.”
“I’ve never noticed that.”
“I am. If I know someone has cheated, I don’t feel the same about them. I lose respect for them. I don’t think I can change that, and to be honest, I don’t think I want to change.”
Callie looked at her quizzically. “You don’t have to change. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a certain way. You’re not out on the streets punching people who you know have had affairs. It’s cool.”
“I guess. It just occurs to me once in a while that maybe I was too judgmental with Angela, but then I
realize there are things I just can’t change. And that’s one of them.”
“That’s the last thing you should worry about. No one needs to put up with an unfaithful lover. No one.”
“Uhm, wasn’t it hard for you the first time that Marina was with someone else?”
“Oh, God, it was hard,” Callie said quietly. “It was very hard. When we first got together we agreed that we’d be monogamous until we were both ready. But she got ready after about two months. She called me from somewhere, maybe Utah? And said she’d run into someone she’d been with before and she wondered if I minded if she was with her that night.”
Regan’s eyes were wide and she looked as though she were seeing a ghost. “What did you do?”
“After I tried to stop myself from throwing up?” Regan didn’t reply, she just stared. “I had to follow through. It was part of the deal we made. I realized I wasn’t going to feel any better about it in the future so I just bit the bullet.”
Regan put her face into her open hands. “I would have gone berserk.”
“Marina made it crystal clear that she could not and would not be in a relationship that wasn’t open. I knew from the beginning that this was something she wouldn’t negotiate. So I went into this with my eyes open. Yes, she pushed me faster than I was willing to go, but I think she had to push me.” She shrugged, looking unconcerned.
“So how did you get past feeling jealous?”
“Well, this might be more than you want to know, but I have a uhm…I guess you’d call it…a voyeuristic streak.” She was blushing by the time she got to the end of the sentence.
“If this is too much…”
“No, I don’t mind talking about it, but I don’t want to tell you more than you want to know.”
“I’m interested. If you want to add something, go ahead.”
“All right. I think it goes back to when I was fairly young. My mom was out for the night and we had a babysitter. That was pretty rare, so I remember it clearly. The girl was in high school and I got up to ask for a drink of water or something. She had her boyfriend there and they were having sex right in our living room.”
Doublecrossed Page 20
