by Bee Rowlatt
I couldn’t believe it when you talked about riding a bike to the loch: May, I think we have done the same bike ride! I did it with my friend Amy; we lived near Maryhill in Glasgow and one evening we rode along the canal to Loch Lomond. We did it on impulse and it wasn’t quite as scenic as it could have been. There are bits where you lose the path altogether and have to cycle under dark tunnels with crunchy broken glass, and the canal was full of shopping trolleys and plastic bags. But when you reach Loch Lomond it’s peaceful and pure. We had a pint and a bag of chips, then caught the train back home as our bums couldn’t take any more. When you’re here, shall we do that bike ride again?
It’s been a stressy and busy day. Justin’s away (can’t even remember where, plus we had a big row about his work making us change our holidays repeatedly) and I woke up really tired and only just got everyone ready in the morning. It’s like a miracle when they’re all fed, with shoes on and bags ready. Elsa is included in this, as she’s now officially starting nursery. I’m heartbroken, May! We got there and I sat down to ‘observe’. My baby just ran off with the other kids, and did everything they did. The nursery staff sent me out, just to see if she missed me, and she didn’t even notice. I’m proud of her, but oh, it hurt to see her running away to a new phase of her life. Normally we are so close up that I touch and smell her all the time. But this was like looking the wrong way through binoculars; she looked so small and remote.
Do you know what I did, May? I bought some ovulation tests to try to get the timing right. You have to wee on them like a pregnancy test, and it tells you if there’s a hormone surge indicating ovulation. It makes it seem a bit mechanical, if I’m honest. I’m feeling ambivalent about that whole plan at the moment. Partly I feel the loss of Baby Elsa becoming Child Elsa, but then I think of Justin being away at weekends and during our holidays, and what it’s like getting three of them ready for school. When it was just the two of them, Eva and Zola used to take it in turns to cry. But now there’s three, sometimes they all go at it at once and I feel like I’m going mad.
Love you loads
Bee XXX
06.06.08
Countdown and teddy bear
Dearest Bee
Things are moving. Kate is such a great person. She is very efficient and I think she is absolutely fantastic.
It seems that the countdown has started, but we still don’t know how to get out of the country. The only easy route is through Syria, but that’s no good because we can’t get a UK visa from there. I am waiting for the letters to arrive so I can photocopy them and attach the Jordanian visa application, though it is not guaranteed that they will let us in. There is also another option, and that is to go to Syria and then try to get a visa for Lebanon or Jordan through their embassies there, but I don’t have a clue whether it will be successful. So I am just keeping my fingers crossed.
I haven’t told a soul at university about my plans. Final exams start on Sunday and we have to go in every day. They say that if we don’t attend every single day, we will only get half our normal salary. I will of course be going (I hope). On Sunday I’m supposed to receive the letter of support from the college to the Syrian and Jordanian embassies to say that I am still a member of staff.
I am so happy for Elsa. She is moving towards childhood. It is so nice. She will soon have her own circle of friends, and before we know it she will be a young woman dating and dancing and going to college etc. I saw a big pink teddy and I want to buy it for her, but I still don’t know if I’ll be able to take it when we leave. Maybe I can send it by FedEx, which I heard about recently from Kate (I never knew we had such a service here). If the letters arrive safely then I will be sending Teddy with them.
Oh, I forgot to tell you we almost got burned down last night. I usually boil the drinking water, using an electric kettle. With the power shortage I decided to boil our water on the gas cooker. The first amount boiled perfectly, and I stood there admiring the kettle and thinking what a great housewife I am for having kept it so shiny. I filled it the second time and put it on the cooker, but then forgot all about it and went to bed. I was woken at 2 a.m. by Ali screaming that I had almost burned the house down. I tried cleaning it today but the stainless steel was black.
By the way, I’d love to cycle with you anywhere. But I don’t know if I can, because I haven’t ridden a bicycle for 20 years.
Love to you and all the family
May XXX
09.06.08
Frowning mood
May. Sorry about your kettle, but glad it didn’t burn the place down. I’m in a strange bad mood and I don’t know why. It’s not PMT. I feel really restless and anxious and am constantly in a mood with Justin. Partly it’s his work – last month he was away for three weekends, and this month it is another three weekends – I never know if he’ll be there or not. He’ll pop up in the middle of a day unexpectedly and say, ‘Look, here I am, I get loads of time off!’ But that’s not the same. Perhaps secretly I’m jealous that he drifts about like a free spirit. Also, I’m worried about my work as I haven’t done any shifts for ages; there’s just no work about and that makes me edgy.
Do we know yet which is better between Jordan and Lebanon? Such a pity you can’t just make the application from within Iraq; it’s yet more hassle, having to do it all in a third country.
I got to nursery today and Elsa was mixing some Rice Krispie cakes, and looking so at home. She had on a yellow dress and purple socks, with her fuzzy blonde hair all ringlety. She is like a little duckling. But more assertive: she punched me when I picked her up for a cuddle. Think I embarrassed her in front of her new friends. I’m just consumed with love for her at the moment in almost a jealous way; I’m sure that’s not good.
My mind keeps jumping around from one thing to another, and this is a rubbish letter because of my weird mood.
I’ll try to be cheerier in my next email.
Hugs
Bee XXX
10.06.08
Woooooooooooow can’t believe it
Hi there, love
I just got an email from CARA telling me the documents are on their way… Oh BEEEEEEEE, I can’t believe it.
You are not on your own. I am also in a terrible mood. I feel as if I am trying to squeeze myself out of a bottleneck. It happens, lovely Sis. Don’t give it much thought. It is natural that when one thing goes wrong, other things tend to follow suit. Bad things seem rather contagious, but really it’s the bad mood that reinforces a negative attitude to things (rubbish talk, isn’t it?).
We are in the middle of the final exams. A new dean has been appointed recently and the man has come with a lot of zeal. I don’t really know much about him, but I have noticed a couple of things that indicate his intention to make a difference at the college.
The first thing I noticed was that he tried to recover part of the long-lost dignity of the teachers. For the past five years payday has been a very tiresome event. No matter what title one held, we all had to stand in a queue and wait for an hour, or maybe two, to get our salary. This was not the case before the invasion, but that is how it is now.
By the way, we have two queues in Iraq – one for men and the other for women – so if you are number 7 in the women’s queue then this means you have at least 14 people before you, in addition to those who push in because they occupy prominent posts or are friends with the accountant or just pure insolent.
The second thing he ordered was to install air conditioners in the classrooms where the final examinations are taking place. This is a great improvement, because you can’t imagine how much students and teachers suffer from the heat during the exams. I remember when I was a student, I used to feel drops of sweat running down each side of my face, uniting at my chin and dropping down on to the answer sheet. So let’s hope the dean can maintain his zeal.
I did not work on my translations this afternoon because of the very bad mood I was in. I had a series of rows with Ali and my mother. They just don’t understa
nd that I need to concentrate when I’m working. I hate being disturbed and called to see this or that, or to give my opinion on something. They even ask me to make them tea while I am working. Anyway, I screamed my head off and had a huge fit of tears. But it was effective because I am now writing to you with Ali sitting watching TV very quietly, the sound low, and all is perfectly harmonious.
I wonder why I had to make such a fuss to get this?
Hope your mood is better now.
May XXXX
10.06.08
Chirpy
Hello, love
Got myself out of that wretched mood, although it was a bad idea to watch the news last night. Everything disturbed me, from starving children covered in flies (STILL – how can this go on?) to dead dolphins and a badly researched item on kidnapping in Colombia. Well, I suppose it’s good that I’m not doing any news shifts if everything makes me cry.
You and I were in a bad mood at the same time and had annoying husbands at the same time: you just have to laugh! I can’t believe Ali asks you for tea when you’re working. Wait till you hear this: on Sunday we’d had a lovely barbecue with the girls and it was sunny, everyone was happy. Then Justin asked me where his new CDs were. I was loading the dishwasher and said I didn’t know. He asked again and told me to think about it; I said I still didn’t know. He asked me twice more where they were, and I said I really didn’t know, and to stop nagging me about it. He insisted: ‘Well, just TRY to think where they might be!’ I began to get really angry; I’ve got quite a short fuse and I didn’t want to spoil everything by becoming a shrieking harridan. I stormed upstairs to start the girls’ bath. He followed me and ASKED ME AGAIN if I REALLY didn’t know where his CDs were. I stomped off to put Elsa to bed, ignoring him. He bathed the girls, and was putting them to bed when I came back downstairs.
Out of passing curiosity I looked at the heap of CDs that are always next to our stereo. There they were. He hadn’t actually looked for them. When he came down I demanded to know why he hadn’t looked for them himself. He often asks me where things are and goes mad, accusing me of throwing stuff away, only to find it in his paperwork heap later. I said, ‘It’s not the first time you’ve done this.’ He smirked, saying, ‘No, and it probably won’t be the last.’ Well, that was it! I flew out of the house, slamming the door as hard as I could, and went for a bike ride up by Kenwood House at the top of the Heath. Came back a bit calmer, but not completely calm.
HURRAY for your new dean. It’s a mark of a country with a great cultural heritage if it respects its academics. God knows they don’t get paid enough, so at the very least they should be held in high esteem. Just a few details like that can make people feel more valued; even without a pay rise it can ‘buy’ people’s workplace satisfaction.
Elsa has started saying a few words: Mummy, Daddy, Era, Lolo (Eva and Zola), yes, no, mine, bee (for bees, flies, anything flying), boo (poo), Lo! (hello) and beez (please). She’s also started flying into a rage if you thwart her. I had the cheek to cut her toast in two when we were on the Heath, and she cried as though I’d just pinched her really hard. Tears fell on to the front of her dress making large wet patches, and she sank down in despair. Luckily it blew over quickly; I was getting a bit annoyed by the sympathetic glances she was garnering. It brings a whole new level of drama into her life. She has a bit of a scream at bedtime now too. She used to nicely kiss everyone and say, ‘Bye-bye,’ but now she must have realized that the girls are still up doing stuff, and she’s missing out.
Guess what, the girls both got replies from their letters to the Queen and the Prime Minister! Or rather, replies on their behalves – but even so, I was glad. The Queen’s Lady-in-Waiting assured Eva that Her Majesty was delighted to hear about her chilli plant and her sisters, and Gordon Brown’s representative thanked Zola for raising her concerns about traffic and added how much he values hearing from young people. They took the letters into school.
Take care, and write soon.
Bee XX
16.06.08
Headphones/a week’s email
Dearest Bee
I am exhausted from cleaning. We are still getting the successive sandstorms that have been blowing every other day, or at least twice a week, varying from mild to fierce.
I have to set and mark the final examinations. I am dreading the thing, but I guess it is a must. As for my request to take a one-year sabbatical, I was told that the assistant dean did not approve, so I went to see him myself and then went and introduced myself to the new dean. The man was very kind and told me that if the sabbatical is part of my entitlement as a university teacher, he doesn’t mind granting it. The request now has to go to the president of the university and it will take around two weeks.
Sunday. Finished marking papers. The dean has changed his mind and decided not to grant me a sabbatical after all. I guess all the boats will have to be burned. Just as well these harassments are taking place, so there will be no regrets. They tell me that someone has convinced him not to accept my request.
Monday. I just miss you so much and miss the lively emails you send. As you know, I have applied for the Jordanian visa and hopefully they will let us through, otherwise Lebanon will have to be plan B.
A funny thing took place during the exams. We were informed that some students were cheating by wearing headphones under their head covers and connecting them to their mobile phones. The head of department asked me to check the students’ ears. It was so embarrassing; I had to stand in front of everyone and apologize, then inspect every girl’s ears, apologizing once again. The girls who didn’t wear head covers started to ask me to check their ears. I laughed out loud and said that their ears were clearly visible and there was no need for that. One student said, ‘But we feel left out.’ This was on the first day.
Today the head of department asked me to do it again but I refused and said I hated the whole thing, so she went to another examination hall. A male colleague told me that yesterday she asked all the male teachers to leave the room, closed the door and then asked the students to remove their head covers for her to check. Thank God there was no one with headphones among our students.
Hugs
May XX
17.06.08
I’m excited
Well, I’m excited for several reasons:
1) I’m playing some Colombian music loudly and it keeps making me leap up and do a quick dance then carry on with what I’m doing.
2) The oven is full of almond cakes, starting to smell good.
3) My oldest friend, Lucy, is visiting from Leeds, and last night we had a picnic right on top of Primrose Hill with Amy as the sun went down over London. (Lucy left her bag on the bus yesterday and has just gone off to collect it, so I’m sneaking in a quick email!)
4) The cakes are out. They’re amazing! I’ve done one batch plain so I can put icing on them for the kids, and the other batch is grown-up cakes with lightly toasted flaked almonds on top. Oh, heavenly smell!
5) Can’t think of a 5) but it’s sunny outside and it’s a good day, and I hope you’re having one too.
Hugs
B XX
PS I can’t even talk about the book any more. It’s prohibited. I feel sick if anyone asks me about it; the suspense is getting too much.
17.06.08
Today’s activities
Dearest Bee
You’ve been with me all day. I woke up at 6.30 a.m. without a clock and got up from the couch feeling all hot and sweaty. We sleep in the living room now, and Ali has a mattress on the carpet, because it is too hot to sleep upstairs.
Driving to college is something I enjoy most of the time, except when there are bombs or American convoys with their sign ‘DEADLY FORCE KEEP AWAY’, because I usually listen to the radio. They have all these songs which were popular in the 1980s and 1990s, mostly Lebanese and so optimistic, lively and full of love.
I reached college about 8.45 (the exam was at 9). The woman who cleans the department and mak
es coffee brought me my coffee, and I smoked a cigarette watching everyone hurrying to the examination hall. I felt so relaxed that I just couldn’t be bothered to move before I finished my coffee and cigarette. The woman kept talking about her grandson, who wanted to enlist in one of the security forces, but I couldn’t concentrate. I was thinking of you and imagining how we will land at Heathrow and whether you will come to meet us there or not and the girls etc. I noticed that the woman was waiting for the cup, so I gulped down the rest, took my keys and hurried to the exam hall.
It was 9.15 by then, but there were more than enough staff and my late arrival didn’t make any difference. We were 5 teachers invigilating 28 students, which is a farce. ‘We are not in a prison,’ I thought. What was the point of bringing everyone in every day? We talked and gossiped and probably affected the students’ concentration. But, guess why? The promised salary increase is already two days late.
The last student handed her notebook in at 11.15. I went to the shop we have at the college, and bought lovely hair things to send for the girls: some are butterflies and others are small teddies and trinkets shaped like feet, and two children’s bracelets.
You know, Bee, that we dread having to fly from Baghdad airport. We have heard such nasty stories about people being seized and killed there. Ali is terrified and says he just can’t take the risk. The problem with our people is that they seem to seek revenge on anyone, innocent or not. Although there is a clear religious text, which says that ‘you must not hold one responsible for the crime of another’, they never seem to understand.
I heard something today that may help clarify the picture for you a bit, so you can see how ignorant and misled the militias are. They were talking today about the ruins of Babylon. In the museum we used to have statues from ancient Babylon, some thousands of years old. When the Americans opened the gates of the museum and let the mob in to loot, some of them just didn’t know how valuable these things were and looked at the small statues and asked what these dolls were. They smashed them and said it was better to make statues of the present-day clerics instead. IMAGINE! The museum curators tried to stick the pieces back together afterwards, with their tears flowing, but a lot of damage had been done to this irreplaceable heritage. The same applies to libraries and bookshops. These also experienced their share of vandalism. I don’t know who and what makes the militias behave like that. They just don’t listen to reason; they hate education and knowledge and pose a threat to everything civilized and cultured.
