Pulling out a tiny chair to perch upon next to her, Ms. Davis proceeded with caution. “I can’t stress enough that she’s not in trouble here, meaning she’s not disrespectful, causing problems, or doing anything wrong. But it is concerning that she will not participate in any group activity at all. Even when I purposely try to have her, say, be partners with me, she’ll still object.”
Stone-faced, Gloria continued to listen. At home, Hannah didn’t hide her dislike of school, but she had no idea that her daughter was struggling to such a degree that she had alienated herself from her classmates. Granted, she recently had a panic attack, but it was only one, and of course she was monitoring the situation. An awkward silence filled the room, and then the inevitable dreaded question was posed.
“I have to ask, Mrs. Gunner, is there something going on at home that we should be aware of, anything that you would like to discuss or share with us?”
Horrified, Gloria tried to gather her thoughts; she was unprepared for such a question and had no desire to fill them in on the abominable details of their personal lives.
“Well, as you know, it has been incredibly difficult for Hannah these last few months—the moves to help pay our bills and her father’s death.” She hesitated before continuing, desperately trying to figure out how to brush over certain details—no need to mention the prison part —yet inform the teacher that much of what was happening to Hannah wasn’t her daughter’s doing. “Hannah was very close to her father and she misses him.”
The teacher handed Gloria a tissue as her eyes watered and her voice cracked, a combination of embarrassment and sadness.
“For argument’s sake, she’s lost her father and made several significant moves that she hasn’t accepted nor adjusted to just yet. Granted, each move increased my ability to support our family and was supposed to give her a fresh start, but clearly Hannah didn’t see it that way. She should be mingling and enjoying herself and she isn’t. I didn’t expect it to be this bad for her. I blame myself!”
“Don’t beat yourself up so badly! Let’s focus on how we can help Hannah.”
Gloria nodded, but the voice in her head wondered how she was going to discuss the issue at hand with Hannah without making the situation worse. They chatted for a while and devised a plan to help Hannah adjust. She’d sit with the school counselor at least once a week, just talk, about anything she wanted to talk about. After a few weeks, Gloria wasn’t surprised to find out that most of the notes the counselor took were about the Captain, her dad, and the pirate game.
Later, Gloria stood outside Sally’s door, a bottle of wine in hand, and told Hannah she could knock. Once inside, Sally poured Hannah a glass of soda and gave her a candy bar. Hannah was thrilled.
“Nice, she’ll be up all night!” Gloria smiled and set the wine on the table as Sally grabbed two glasses.
“What’s the occasion?” Sally asked.
“Desperation!” Gloria replied.
Grateful she had a friend to talk to, Gloria confided in her. Regrets, mistakes, and fear were dictating most of the decisions that she had made and continued to make for her and Hannah.
“I’ve made a mess of things, and keep making them worse. I’m really not sure this school is the best fit for Hannah, but I can’t afford private school.” Taking a sip of her wine, she announced, “This is killing me. One bad decision after another.”
“You can’t live like this; the stress will eventually kill you.”
“I agree! I was starting to get used to it,” Gloria whispered. “But I know now that it’s a terrible way to live, especially for Hannah, getting used to settling for all the wrong things.”
“You have to decide, right here and now, to stop it! Make decisions based on new beginnings, for you and Hannah. A life filled with adventure and hope; you both deserve it.”
Wiping her nose with her sleeve, Gloria topped off their wine and raised her glass. “You’re right! We do deserve it.” She took a sip of her wine. “I don’t know what to do! Maybe I need to face my past and go home.” Staring off into space, she added. “You know, my sister still lives there—Kathy. I don’t know; I guess it’s something to think about.”
“Well, you’re stuck with me so it doesn’t matter what you decide—move, stay, makes no difference. Give yourself some time. Hannah might turn it around, you don’t know yet.” Sally grabbed Gloria’s hand and squeezed it. “You and Hannah do deserve some peace and a new beginning, but take your time and think about it. Don’t rush into anything; Hannah’s been through enough.”
Gloria lifted her glass. “To new beginnings, adventure, and hope!” Smiling. “One day, maybe not tomorrow, but one day I’ll get this mess figured out.”
“New beginnings, adventure, and hope!” Sally repeated.
Little did she know that evening that Sally was right. Hannah did eventually settle down and though she kept her circle small, she did have a few friends. They wouldn’t move again for several years, and when Gloria approached Hannah with the subject about possibly making a move again, Hannah had just turned sixteen.
“So, I’ve been thinking,” Gloria announced over dinner. “How about one last adventure?”
“Adventure.” Hannah grinned. “Code word for move!”
Chapter 11
A New Adventure
Tormented Mind
Sorrow Weeps
Bitter Feelings
Wounds Are Deep
Rise Above
Head Held High
New Approach
Clearer Eyes
~ Hannah Gunner ~
It was to be the last move; her mom had promised. But the truth was, Hannah didn’t care; she looked at moving as a brief adventure. That’s what Hannah told herself: Don’t get too settled, and don’t get attached to anyone or anything; you’ll be off on another adventure again soon enough! It worked; she kept to herself, laid low, made more acquaintances than friends, and when they did move, it wasn’t such a big deal to Hannah. Looking back, that theory was likely linked to the separation of her dad more so than moving, but it took a while for Hannah to connect the two. Gloria was ready for a change, but this time there was something different about her delivery regarding the move. She addressed it as if it really were, this time, a permanent move for the pair.
“I’ll be making more money,” Gloria hollered from the kitchen. “It’s a promotion, and I’m thrilled about that, but the best part of all…” She quit talking and suddenly appeared outside Hannah’s bedroom door.
“Yesssss,” Hannah dragged out playfully. “What’s the best part of this move over the last, say what, five?”
“Very funny, although you could be right.” Gloria pulled out a chair by Hannah’s desk. “This move is actually one you may or may not be familiar with.” Hannah looked puzzled. “Okay, what I mean is we’re going back to our hometown. You were little, but do you remember living in San Francisco?” Hannah had a blank look on her face. “Do you remember visiting Aunt Sandy, well she wasn’t really your aunt, but we called her that because she was my best friend? And, you know Aunt Kathy of course; she lives there.”
Hannah nodded. “Yes on Aunt Kathy, the Christmas presents, and not really, vaguely, maybe, I don’t know, on the other one, the Sandy lady.”
“Well, it’s not important. I just think it’s time we moved back closer to home, closer to family, Kathy.” Gloria laughed. “It will be a good move for both of us.”
Shaking her head, Hannah shooed her mom out of her room. “Whatever, I don’t care. As long as I’m out of school for a few days, we’ll label it another adventure and move on.” Grinning, she handed her mom a dirty cereal bowl. “Can you take this to the kitchen on your way out, please?”
Gloria reached for the bowl, but not without giving her a dirty look and playfully rolling her eyes.
Over the next few weeks, Gloria and Hannah packed up their belongings.
Wrapping what few personal things she owned and placing them carefully into cardboar
d boxes, Hannah’s eyes caught sight of her prized conch shell that sat on a makeshift bookshelf. The times she’d pack that thing away and moved it with her, only to unwrap it, check it for cracks, and place it carefully in yet another safe place had been too many times to count. Faded memories of the Captain, and that horrific afternoon when her mom delivered the devastating news of her father’s death came flooding back to her. Hannah remembered hearing the words, but couldn’t process them properly at the time. Gloria’s explanation of her father’s death brought Hannah little comfort; he’d been gone for so long anyway, but her strongest memories, memories of the Captain, managed to bring her peace. Her shell, a gift from the Captain, was a memory that she hadn’t forgotten and counted as her most prized possession to date. Picking up the shell, she held it in her hands and remembered the gruff sound of the Captain’s voice. Holding it to her ear, she listened for a few moments to the swirling sound of the sea and smiled, remembering her dad’s words before wrapping it in a newspaper and placing it once again in the box. Hannah had asked about him a while back after picking up a photo that Gloria always set by the side of her bed. It was a photograph of the three of them, a family, and they looked happy. Hannah was in the middle, Hank on one side of her, and Gloria on the other.
“What happened to him?” Hannah had asked. “I know he died, but how?”
“They called it a shank. Kinda like a homemade knife.”
Snapping out of it, Hannah looked around her room. She always packed the same way; working from the outer edges inward. Bookshelf, closet, chest of drawers, bedding, and that was about it. They didn’t own much, so packing was a breeze. Walking through the apartment one last time, they locked the doors, turned in the keys, said their goodbyes, and hit the road. Pulling into rest stops and making do for the night meant they’d sleep in the car. Hannah pretended she didn’t care, but she did. She wanted a shower, a clean bed, and real food. Cranky, tired, and sick of driving, she needed a hit of nicotine, her JUUL. They’d driven for fourteen hours straight, stopping only for gas, snacks, and to use the restroom. Finally, Gloria pulled into a rest stop and parked the car for the night. The air was hot and sticky, making it impossible to get comfortable in the tiny Honda Civic. The U-Haul Gloria was pulling weighed the car down, and between the trailer, the beat-up Honda, and the pair of them, they indeed looked and felt homeless.
“Once we arrive, we’ll spend time with Aunt Kathy and check out the new place.” Gloria took a sip of coffee. “You might not remember Kathy very well. Cards, presents, and phone calls are a lot different than being with someone in person, but she adores you and always has.”
Hannah didn’t care; anything beat where they were right then. The windows were cracked, but there was hardly enough air, and Gloria refused to roll them down all the way due to stranger danger.
“It’s not safe with the windows down. Oh, I hate this.” She turned to Hannah. “We’re parked at a rest stop; we should keep going and try to find a hotel.”
Hannah shook her head. “You can’t drive; you’re whipped. And I don’t have my license yet. As much as I hate it, and I do hate it, we’ll get through.”
Gloria blew her a kiss. “Thank you! By the way, Kathy’s picked out two apartments for us. One for sure is promising. And I have my entrance interview, paperwork, and whatnot on Tuesday at SF Memorial Hospital. Hannah, I promise, this move is going to be good for us!”
Hannah laid back on the seat and propped her feet up on the dashboard. A can of soda in one hand and a bag of chips in the other, but all she wanted was a hit of her vape. Gloria unwrapped a soggy PB&J and handed it to her. Hannah turned up her nose.
“Oh, hell no!” she responded. “I’m not eating that; it looks gross.”
“Wrong answer, and watch your mouth!” Gloria tapped her on the leg. “I won’t tell you again.”
Shoving the sandwich in Hannah’s lap, she unwrapped another for herself. It might not be the finest meal, but her kid was going to eat. Peanut butter was nutritious, and she’d cook her a real meal as soon as she could. Against her will, Hannah picked at the sandwich. Desperately needing fresh air and to stretch her legs, a break from the car, she couldn’t stop fidgeting. Knowing that she couldn’t vape, and her mom wouldn’t let her stretch her legs, the only thing she could do was try to go to sleep. The sound of her mom’s voice helped her drift off to a secret place in the corner of her mind. White sands and a blue ocean awaited her, along with a ship floating offshore manned by a few scrappy scoundrels and, if she was lucky, the Captain.
A young girl’s giggles echoed in Hannah’s head, a younger version of herself, as her mind drifted into sleep and she followed the laughter of a little girl until the image of the girl appeared running toward the water’s edge. The waves were tickling her toes, and Hannah observed the Captain watching over the girl as she played, and just like that she had drifted off into a lovely dream where the seagulls circled around her, the waves danced at her feet, and she didn’t have a single care in the world.
A smile crossed Hannah’s face as she slept and Gloria could tell she was dreaming. It was impossible for Hannah to say if any of her memories were real; games that she’d played with her daddy or stories he’d once told had turned into dreams. All she knew was that the recurring dream, whatever it was, brought her a beautiful escape. That escape had become a crutch that Hannah had learned to lean on for years.
Chapter 12
Last New Beginning
Fresh Perspective
Dreams Anew
Hearts Not Broken
Feelings True
Solid Path
Ground Laid Out
New Direction
Life’s Re-Route!
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Kathy was thrilled to have them! It had been too long, she’d said, and it was about time they’d come home to San Francisco. Their new apartment, if they chose the one she was hoping that they would, was less than ten minutes away from her house. Gloria was thrilled, and Kathy was confident that once they’d seen the apartment, they’d take it on the spot. It was ideal and available immediately—a huge plus—and because Kathy knew the landlord, the deposit had been waived. Plus, if they took it he would allow them to sign an extended lease, locking in the rate he’d discussed with Kathy.
“It’s a great deal for a beautiful apartment, great building, and of course you can’t beat the location!” Kathy bragged. “If I don’t say so myself.”
“I’m sold! Show me where to sign.” Gloria grinned. “Seriously, it sounds ideal, and I’m sure that will be the one we take.”
The building was in a safe part of town, and the apartment itself, though small, was clean and had new appliances, fresh paint, wood floors, a vaulted ceiling, and a fireplace, which Hannah loved. Gloria agreed with Kathy; it was perfect and they didn’t need to look at the other apartment she had picked out as a backup.
Wrapping her arms around her daughter, happy, she kissed her on the cheek and told her to pick a room. “Pick your room; any one, I don’t care which.”
“Well, in that case,” laughed Hannah, “I’ll take the master with the bathroom attached.”
“Have at it!” Gloria laughed. “It’s all yours.”
As much as Hannah would have loved the larger bedroom with the bathroom, she immediately declined. “I was kidding. You take it. Really.”
Gloria shook her head, but Hannah insisted. She wouldn’t begin to feel at ease in a room that wasn’t rightfully hers.
“I might not have a bathroom in my room, but at least I have my own bathroom, and the closet isn’t too shabby either! Did you check it out?” Hugging Gloria, she steered her toward her closet. “This is great; look at the size of this thing!” Slinging one arm over her mom’s shoulder and looping one arm through her aunt Kathy’s. “Aunt Kathy, if you only knew what I could have done with a closet this big when I was a kid.”
“Isn’t that the truth!” Gloria pointed toward the door. “Let’s get unpacked and mo
ved in; this will be our last new beginning.”
Kathy brought over coffee, food, and toiletries to get them through the first few days and helped put marked boxes in the rooms that they belonged. She noticed immediately how organized everything was; Gloria had moving down to a science. They ate soggy pizza, and Kathy and Gloria sipped a much-needed glass of wine as they talked about the people Gloria once knew and had left behind.
“I’ve already spoken to Sandy; she knows I’m back.”
“You’ve stayed in touch over the years with her, though, right?”
Gloria nodded, but with a mouthful of pizza she couldn’t answer right away. “Yes. Not as much as I would have liked, but over the years we have stayed in touch. Nate should be ten, almost eleven by now.”
“I see her every now and then, not very often, but she always asks about you. Nate, he’s lovely, and he does look just like Nathan.”
Hannah ate her pizza as she listened to their conversation. She had few expectations about the people she’d likely meet in her so-called childhood town. She didn’t remember much of anything about being there. She’d been too young, and what she remembered revolved mostly around childhood play. The thought of the necessary pending introductions at her new high school gave her anxiety. She hated those—on the spot, here’s the new kid, and everyone stares. Gloria’s wine, sitting on the countertop, was too easy a target as Hannah walked by. Helping herself to a mouthful as she walked toward her room, she knocked back the wine and pushed the thoughts of her first day of school out of her mind.
Captain Fin Page 9
