“May I?” he asked, reaching for the letter that Hannah now held in her hands.
Without saying a word or acknowledging his question, Hannah handed him one of the letters.
Dearest Hannah,
They say time flies, but in here it stands still! I miss you and your mom so much! The silence is deafening; not a word, a single word, have I read or heard from you or that tyrant, your mom. (Please don’t tell her I said that.) She is already very angry with me! I know this, it’s important you understand she is a great mom; though admittedly, she’s a terrible ship-hand. :-)
Truthfully, I bear her no ill will. This is all my doing, but I will fix it, and make it right. Trust me! Please, please ask her to let you write. Have her help you or even by now you could write me a letter yourself, maybe? Just a line or two, and tell me how you’re doing. I think about you and your mom every single second of every single day. I hope you will forgive me, even if your mom can’t, and even that I understand. Please, Hannah, please, drop me a line. A single line will do.
Daddy, & if you can remember, you called me the Captain!
Cash read the handwritten words scribbled on the page twice.
“Your dad is the Captain; the one in your dreams?”
Hannah nodded.
“I swear at times I thought I imagined him.”
Cash read another letter and asked her a question she should have expected, but was shocked and unprepared when she heard him say it.
“Have you seen these before, the letters?” he asked. “Is this the box your mom was talking about?”
It was as if a blanket of shock washed over Hannah’s porcelain skin. Struggling for words, she dug into the box and pulled out another letter.
“It is the first time I’ve seen this box.” Staring at the pile before her, and what seemed like hundreds of letters, if not more, Hannah added, “And no, I had no idea the letters existed.” Running her hands across her face in frustration, she asked him a question.
“Cash, why would my mom keep these from me?” She held up a letter. “Why?”
Cash shook his head; he had no clue nor response that he could think of that would make any sense. “I have no idea; you know your mom better than me. Maybe there was more between them, history, than you know; think about it, you were little.” Cash didn’t have any answers nor did he dare try to make up an excuse. He kept his mouth shut after that!
A large tear glided down Hannah’s cheek and landed on one of the letters that she was still holding in her hand. Frantically she wiped it off before it bled the faded ink, or worse, made a hole in the aged paper.
“I swear, not even as a kid have I ever seen these letters or this box before. This I know I would have remembered!”
Cash dove back into the box and pulled out another letter and read it, slowly this time, and out loud. They took it in turns, reading a few lines from different letters and cards to each other. It became clear that some were written when Hannah was very young, and some must have been written when she was in her middle school and early teen years. Sharing such a personal moment with Hannah, especially over someone else’s privately written words, was both intimate and bonding for the two of them in a way that neither would have ever imagined. Cash leaned over and softly kissed the top of her head, before putting the letters that were scattered on the ground back into the box.
“Well, as much as I hate to bring it up, it’s getting late, and I guess we’ll be getting some answers for you soon.” Sticking out his hand, he offered to pull her to her feet.
Hannah nodded and reached for his extended hand. “Should I ask her about it? Now, I mean.”
Cash bit his bottom lip and rolled his head from side to side; that was all the answer she needed, but he added his thoughts anyway. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now; she’s going through so much and needs her strength, not twenty questions, you know what I mean?” Hannah didn’t respond, but she knew he was right; her mom had more significant issues on her plate than a box full of old letters. There would be time for all of this, answers to her questions when the time was right. For now, Hannah would wait.
A text message from Kathy reminded both of them it was time to go; people were tracking them down. Hannah looked worn out, and she hadn’t even had time to jump in the shower; the hospital shower would have to suffice. Grabbing a few of the letters, she stuffed them into her backpack, placed the lid back on the tattered box, and placed the box in her room. Cash stood by, watching, but never said one word. Grabbing her phone cord, her brush, and an extra body spray, Hannah shoved everything into her bag and locked up. They drove back to the hospital in silence, Hannah lost in her thoughts, Cash nervous about what she might say to her mom, but hoping for Gloria’s sake and Hannah’s that she would put it off until the time was right.
“You know, I could’ve written to him so many times.”
Cash carried her bag on one shoulder and held her hand in his as they walked toward the hospital elevator.
“Right,” he answered. He tried to change the subject. “I wonder if Kathy needs a break? I can pick y’all up some food; bet she hasn’t eaten yet.”
Hannah hadn’t heard a word he’d said. “Seriously, and I’m not kidding, for years I thought I was going crazy; thought I’d made up the Captain, dreamt about that beach, treasure, ship, and playing pirate games for years.” Cash kept walking and pulling her along with him. “I mean, let’s face it, I knew he was there once, but then he was gone and Mom never really talked about him.” Pushing the elevator button, she kept talking. “Then as a kid, when he did leave, it felt like he’d left me. It got super complicated, super fast, and I guess I quit asking what the hell happened.” She laughed, but it wasn’t a real laugh. “Don’t get me wrong; Mom did tell me he’d ended up in prison, some fight, after losing his best friend.” Stepping off the elevator, she casually mentioned, “And that’s about the time I found out he’d died, the prison part, and that period for me kinda all ran together.” Stopping in the hallway, she looked up at Cash. “I guess because I was little at the time my head must have merged all the events together, blocking my dad out, but keeping the good stuff in.”
“Captain Fin?”
“Yep, him, Captain Fin.” Hannah blew away a single strand of hair that had fallen across her face. “Captain Fin did bring me a lot of joy as a kid; that I do remember.”
Cash wrapped his arm around her neck and started walking, forcing her to do the same. “Guess at that time in your life you liked being a pirate better more than a kid.”
“Yeah, I suppose so,” she whispered. “He made it really fun.”
“Do you remember your mom talking about him when he was gone, at Folsom State Prison?”
Hannah thought about it for a minute. “I don’t remember her speaking badly of him, or saying negative things to me about our situation in regards to him, you know, moving all the time. In fact, come to think of it, she never really mentioned him at all.”
‘She never remarried,” Cash noted. “Did she ever date?”
“No, and I’ve never known my mom to see another man or bring one home for that matter.”
“Well if you ask me, and I know you didn’t,” Cash chuckled, “it sounds like she never got over him.” Pulling her closer, he opened his mouth to say something, closed it again as if he shouldn’t say what he was going to say, and then blurted it out anyway. “You could look at it this way,” he smiled. “She did tell you about the box; better late than never, right?”
Hannah agreed. Her mom wanted her to have the box. She needed her to know that her dad had loved and missed her, but right now they needed to focus on her mom’s health and get her well enough to at least come home. Hannah kissed him goodbye at Gloria’s hospital door, dismissing him; he still didn’t want to leave, but he went home. Gloria was still sleeping, and Kathy was reading in the chair when Hannah entered her mom’s room. Hannah kissed her mom on the cheek before planting herself on the tiny couch, which was
squeezed next to her aunt’s chair and the wall.
“Any change?” Hannah asked, looking toward Gloria.
“She was awake for a little bit, not long, and she’s resting now.” Kathy set her book down in her lap. “Hannah, she was asking for you. I don’t want to scare you, but between the medications and the pain meds, she’s delirious.” Kathy lowered her voice. “I couldn’t make heads nor tails of what she was saying.”
The two settled in for the evening; Kathy read her book until her eyes could take it no longer, and fell asleep in the chair. Hannah texted Cash and Lindsey before pulling out the handful of letters shoved in her bag. She read them over and over until she practically knew every word written on the faded yellow paper by heart. So many questions! But Hannah was well aware that before Gloria could explain a single thing about her past, or clarify the questions that raced through her mind, her mom had to get better first.
Chapter 24
Prepare Yourselves
Don’t break my heart!
Let her stay.
I need my mom
Just go AWAY!
~ Hannah Gunner ~
There was no such thing as getting any rest that night for Hannah or Kathy. Nurses were popping in and out every other hour it seemed to check monitors, administer fluids, check Gloria’s blood pressure, temperature, and run tests. Though they were all courteous and pleasant, it was impossible to sleep. Gloria managed to sleep on and off due to being knocked out by drugs. The reality of how severe her condition was had hit everyone. The morning couldn’t roll around fast enough. Fresh coffee and an explanation from her mom’s doctor, the oncologist, who was supposed to drop by, which was at the forefront of Kathy’s and Hannah’s minds. He showed up a little after 9 a.m. He was strikingly handsome and awfully young; too young, Hannah thought, and wondered if he’d been doing this long enough to know exactly what he was doing! An exchange of pleasantries between all of them took place, Gloria—who was actually awake, lucid, and alert—included. After reading his notes, checking her heart, lungs, and the latest lab and test results, the news that he delivered wasn’t what they had expected.
“You’re just not working with me here, are ya?” He winked at Gloria.
“I’m trying,” she managed, but everyone noticed her voice was weak.
Staring at Hannah, as if evaluating her age and maturity, he hesitated before asking if he could speak candidly with everyone present in the room. Gloria didn’t object. His tone never changed—monotone, but not unpleasant. And he talked to them as if they knew what he was saying. Thankfully Gloria spoke up.
“Could you repeat the last part mostly, but in layman’s terms, please? My daughter and sister aren’t going to understand what you’re saying, and I don’t have the strength to interpret for them.”
Hot doctor half smiled and winked. “Sure.”
Hannah moved closer to her mom and sat down on the edge of her bed. Kathy pulled out a pen and paper to jot down everything he was about to repeat.
“We’re slipping into the accelerated phase of the CML. In other words, from stage three to stage four and, as you can imagine, that’s not good. It’s the reason your white blood cell count, indicating infection, is still so high and, despite the antibiotics we’re trying, they aren’t going down. The platelet counts will vary, could be high one day, and could be low the next. The new chromosome changes in the cells are taking place, and unfortunately, this is all due to the CML.” He searched their faces for questions, but they were numb. Gingerly he forged ahead. “Patients with CML at this stage, accelerated, often experience the symptoms that you’re having, such as fever, lack of appetite, and weight loss.”
Hannah knew her mom hadn’t been eating normally lately and felt ashamed for not mentioning it. Pulling a chair up next to Gloria’s bed, the doctor sat down, crossed his legs, and continued to discuss the information with them. Hannah sat in silence and listened. Kathy, exhausted, put down her pen and dabbed her face with a tissue for fear that Gloria would see her tears.
“Long story short, if you throw this nasty pneumonia in the mix, the complications are tenfold. And well, there’s no easy way to say this, but you’re in bad shape right now. Your immune system, already jeopardized, is struggling to fight off the infection that is in your lungs, and the fluid you have in them isn’t helping.” Sighing, he added, “Typically patients in this phase, because it’s so accelerated, do not respond well to any treatments. And any illness complicates the situation in the chronic phase—even something as simple as a common cold, let alone pneumonia.
“So there is another phase?” Kathy asked.
“The blast phase, also known as the blast crisis phase. The blast cells often spread to tissues and organs beyond the bone marrow. Depending on the complications, response to treatment, and complications of secondary infections, it can be one of the last phases.”
He stood up and put the chair back in the corner. “But let’s not talk about that right now. Let’s discuss your treatment plan for fighting this nasty pneumonia.” He turned to his scribe and had a discussion with her, then turned back around to finish his conversation with Gloria.
“Well, aren’t you just a barrel of sunshine,” Gloria chuckled. “Yes, please, tell me what’s next!”
“Yeah, sorry about that! I hate delivering this type of news, but we do have to discuss what needs to be done next, and you’re not going to like it.”
Hannah’s ears perked up, and she leaned in so she could hear every single word he said. “What do you have in mind?” Gloria asked. “And can I handle it?”
“You can handle it, but you’re not going to like it.”
Hannah’s eyes felt as if they were piercing right through him as he stood over her mom, seeking answers, a solution, anything that would keep her alive and allow her to fight this thing that he had diagnosed her with in the first place.
He continued to speak freely. “Given the circumstances, at least until we get you stable, I’m strongly suggesting we move you into ICU. Sterile environment and, of course, no visitors.” Before Gloria could object, he added, “That will allow us to tackle the pneumonia head on, and then worry about continuing your treatment for CML.”
“For how long?” Gloria asked. “ICU.”
“As long as it takes, three days, a week maybe.”
“When?” Hannah asked.
“Now.” Avoiding Hannah, his eyes met Kathy’s. “It really is for the best.”
The color drained from Hannah’s face right before the doctor’s eyes.
“Can we spend some time with her first?” Kathy asked.
“Make it quick. The sooner she’s isolated, the better for her, and that’s what we all want.”
Kathy put her arm around Hannah as if to comfort her, but Hannah noticed she was steadying herself. The situation had gone from bad to worse overnight. The constant beeping noise of the monitor attached to her mom was a great distraction, but as the alarm sounded, the nurse rushed in and offered Gloria pain meds. “Your blood pressure is going up, and I’m betting it’s because you’re due your next round of pain meds.” Smiling, she continued, “I’m going to administer through your port, doctor’s orders, just letting you know.” She finally took a breath. “Do you have any questions?”
Gloria shook her head. “Hannah, do you mind sitting with me for a few minutes? I’m not sure how much time I have before my temporary confinement.” Forcing a smile, she lifted her hand and Hannah grasped it and placed it in hers.
“Leave it to you to be so dramatic! Gotta go to ICU to get away from me!”
“Never,” Gloria whispered in between breaths. “I want to come home with you.” She held Hannah’s hand as tight as she could, but her grasp was weak. “Did you find it? The box?”
Hannah couldn’t believe that was still on her mind, but she nodded. “Don’t think about that right now; it’s not important.” Kissing the top of her mom’s hand, Hannah added, “We’ll talk about it later.”
The nurse administered the pain meds through the port as they spoke. “You’ll feel better in a few minutes.”
She winked at Hannah, checked everything one more time, and left the room. Gloria’s grip loosened completely as she mumbled I’m sorry, Hannah. Soooooo sorry, and started to doze back off. Murmur after murmur, none of it making any sense. Kathy and Hannah couldn’t make out a single coherent sentence that Gloria said except for Hank, forgive me, and Hannah, I’m sorry. An orderly reappeared with a nurse at his side. They checked her chart, her wristband, and tried to confirm with Gloria where they were supposed to be taking her. She couldn’t answer, so they verified with Kathy and Hannah on her behalf.
“Understandable; it’s the pain meds. We’re headed to ICU. Can you confirm the patient’s name, date of birth, and why she’s here?” Hannah interjected and gave them the details before kissing her mom goodbye. Gathering up their things, they walked solemnly to the car.
“Yours or mine?” Kathy asked. “I’m open.”
“Do you mind if we go home, to ours?”
Kathy shook her head. “No. Figured you’d want to be close to home.”
“Great! There’s something I’d like to show you.”
Chapter 25
Doesn’t Add Up
Betrayal
Lies
Deception
And fear
Captain Fin Page 18
