Struggling with what had just transpired, and the realization that half of her life had been a lie, Hannah sat in the passenger seat, shaking in absolute shock. There’d been a lot of lies floating around apparently for the past, say, most of her life! Sitting in the seat, she tried to process three things: why exactly did her mom keep all of that from her, was her dad—the Captain—really alive, and what the hell was she supposed to do now? She pulled a tattered yellow piece of paper out of her sweatshirt pocket and stared at it.
“What’s that?” Lindsey asked softly.
“Something I need; but not sure I want.”
Hands trembling she moved the worn-out paper, a faded handwritten letter, quickly to one side so that a massive teardrop didn’t splatter on it and ruin the words that were hard enough already to read. The fact that they were faded and worn wasn’t the problem; the problem was as she read them to herself, Hannah didn’t recognize who had written them. The voice that reverberated back to her as she read the words out loud seemed foreign and didn’t match those of the voice that she recognized. The voice that was so familiar, the Captain’s, that lived with her in her head. The voice of the man who supposedly wrote the letter that she held in her hand was a stranger, dead. His voice—the man whose hand wrote to her—didn’t match that of the Captain in her dreams, the one that had held her together for all of those years. The man who had played with her for hours at a time, her dad, Captain of their ship, who made sails from her bed sheets, that man was dead!
Chapter 29
Lost
Numb
Going through the motions
What’s next?
Why bother
~ Hannah Gunner ~
The service was well attended, considering they hadn’t lived back in town that long. Gloria was liked at work, had a few select friends, and even some of Hannah’s and Cash’s friends came to show their support. Kathy slipped Hannah a Xanax to help her cope, but it didn’t help. Hannah was already numb. She heard the words as the minister started to speak, but her mind couldn’t grasp why a paid stranger would talk about her mother in such a beautiful way. He didn’t know her. He didn’t have a clue about the things written down on the piece of paper that he was saying about her mom. Borrowed minister, Hannah thought. What do you know about my mom? Not one thing except what Aunt Kathy scribbled on that piece of paper that you’re holding in your hands! Her mind drifted to the last time she saw her mom alive and the last words she had said to her. Haunting her, the words were neither of comfort nor of understanding, but of a promise that wasn’t fulfilled.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Your mom loved you.” Cash whispered, tightening his grip around Hannah’s hand.
Grateful for the distraction, Hannah wiped a dripping tear off the tip of her nose and nodded.
“She did. I honestly can say I know that she did.”
Cash prodded Hannah and directed her to the front of the church. Aimlessly she followed her aunt, but couldn’t for the life of her figure out why she had to stand up front and thank people for witnessing the worst day of her life. One after another, people stopped by Kathy and then her; not knowing what to say, Hannah leaned on Cash.
“Thank you for coming,” he responded, over and over.
Emotionally drained and exhausted, Hannah felt utterly lost. Finally, she felt Cash’s arms around her, leading her toward his Jeep.
“You need some rest; I’ll take you home.”
“Will you stay?” Hannah asked.
“I’ll let my mom know, but you have to promise that you’re going straight to bed.” He squeezed her hand. “I think that couch has a permanent indention of my ass.”
A slight smile, just for a second, escaped her as she climbed up into the passenger seat. Sleep was a gift. If she was sleeping, she didn’t have to feel or think. Bring on sleep!!!
Chapter 30
Missing Links
How
How do I go on?
How do I go on without her?
How do I go on without my mom?
~ Hannah Gunner ~
Exhausted, Hannah fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. Cash peeked in on her periodically, as did Kathy. She slept all night without making a peep and didn’t even stir when Kathy and Cash were making breakfast in the kitchen.
“You need to eat something, Cash. Toast, cereal, something.”
“Thanks, but coffee is good.”
They sat at the table, Gloria’s table, in silence, sipping their coffee. It was surreal. It wasn’t long ago that they were all there together chatting with her, discussing their plans for the day, and now they felt like intruders in her home. Cash broke the silence as he looked around the kitchen and toward Hannah’s door.
“What will you and Hannah do now?”
Placing her mug on the table, Kathy tightened her robe around her.
“Hannah will move in with me; she won’t have to change schools, it’s the same district. I received a letter stating that Gloria has paid the rent here for three additional months. I’m certain that’s so we can take our time packing in between school and work.”
Running her hands through her hair, Kathy sighed and shook her head.
“I think she knew this was going to happen.”
Cash’s eyes darted toward her.
“What are you talking about? Like a premonition?”
Kathy half-smiled. “No. Like before she moved here, back home. I think she had this diagnosis before she moved home. I knew she was ill… but I think she already knew she was terminal.”
She reached across the table and grabbed Cash’s hand. “I don’t know why I feel as if Hannah shouldn’t know that, but something tells me it would only hurt her if she did.” Letting go of his hand, she added, “Besides, that’s just what I think. For argument’s sake and not to put you in a difficult position, let’s just say it’s a thought and not a fact.”
Cash nodded. It would make sense if Gloria knew that she was terminally ill; besides, he was glad that she had brought Hannah back. As far as he was concerned, Kathy was expressing her grief and nothing out of the norm had been discussed.
“She’s been out for nearly fourteen hours now; I’ll peek my head in and check on her,” Cash offered. Kathy nodded.
The sun was pouring through her window, and Cash realized she hadn’t drawn her curtains the night before. Even with the sunshine bouncing off her cheeks, she slept peacefully. Her long hair was scattered all over her pillow and her face. Tiny features peeped out between the strands of her hair: the tip of her nose, part of her chin, and he could see a portion of her ear. Desperately wanting to push her hair to one side and wake her gently with soft kisses, he knew she was mentally exhausted as well as physically and needed all the extra rest. As he gingerly backed out of her room, one step at a time, his eyes caught the tattered box in the center of her floor. So many missing links to Hannah’s life were likely held in that box.
Pouring himself another cup of coffee, he sat back down at the table with Kathy. She was lost in thought, but his presence back at the table was a comfort. Wrestling with the idea of asking questions without Hannah by his side, Cash tread carefully and fired away.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Did you know it was possible that Hank was alive?”
Her eyes flashed toward him as if he had said something wrong.
“I’m just asking; I don’t mean anything by it, honest!”
Hesitating, she apologized. “I’m sorry, Cash. It’s not you; it’s Gloria. I didn’t know, and I can’t believe I didn’t know…”
The silence was awkward for several minutes until Kathy spoke again.
“I’m her sister. I thought we shared everything, especially back then. I don’t know if she fooled me. Lied to me. Tried to protect me, like I know she must have for Hannah, or what she was thinking!”
She stood up, pushed her chair into the table, and threw her
coffee out in the sink.
“I don’t know why she would lie and say Hank was dead when he was in Folsom this entire time! But I do know, that despite her reasons, her intentions must have been good and she would have thought she was doing it for Hannah.”
Cash walked over to the sink and wrapped his arms around her. Kathy was confused, hurting, and was as upset as Hannah.
“I think we may find clues in the letters, but I also think Hannah will have questions for you.” He stepped back and looked Kathy straight in the eye. “Will you answer any questions that she may ask?”
Chapter 31
Dive In
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Help me!
~ Hannah Gunner ~
All three of them sat on the living room floor around the box and stared at it as if it would bite. Cash nudged the box toward Hannah and waited. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t looked at some of the letters before, but they were searching for answers this time.
“You’ve read some of them, just keep going.”
Hannah knew Cash was right, but a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach was holding her back.
“Go on. Just dive in—grab one and start reading,” Kathy suggested. “And if you like, fire away; I’m certain you have questions.”
Hannah glanced at her in such a way that Kathy prompted her along.
“If while you’re reading the letters memories are triggered, and you have questions, just ask. Honestly, anything, ask away.”
Hannah hit her with a question right away.
“Did you know my dad was alive?”
“Hannah, I swear I did not know that your dad was still alive! I thought, like you, he had died in prison.”
“How is that possible?” Hannah asked.
“Your mom had moved out of state when she supposedly got the news. When I called and asked if she was coming home to tend to the arrangements, she said that they had already been taken care of.”
“What does that even mean?” Hannah raised her hands. “Wouldn’t there have been a service or funeral arrangements?”
“Well, I thought so too, but he was in prison. And what did we know about the rules and regulations of prison?” Kathy answered. “I came to visit. Do you remember? Your mom really grieved. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I think she was grieving the end of her marriage, the relationship as she knew it, and from what we can tell here,” she glanced at the tattered box, “hurting Hank.”
“Yeah, you could be right,” Cash agreed. “That’s a lot of trouble to make sure a kid believes it. Moving. Hiding every letter that’s delivered. She’d have to watch for the post or get the mail every single day. But it is interesting how she didn’t mind discussing him if Hannah asked, correct?”
Cash turned toward Hannah for confirmation. She nodded. He was right. If she’d asked about her dad, her mom would discuss him or answer her question, never expand, mainly yes or no answers, and over the years she had never volunteered information. Hannah never had, until that very moment, ever wondered about that before. Looking back, she even remembered a day when she’d asked about where he’d gone; that must’ve been when the lie initially started.
“Your daddy had to go to a place where children do not go; but they are taking good care of him.” Years later, Hannah remembered pressing Gloria once more about him. This time she wasn’t only uncomfortable with the question but irritated that Hannah had asked, and she had snapped at her.
“I told you, Hannah, he passed away! It was a terrible fight in prison, but it’s too painful to discuss. Can we please do this another time?” There wasn’t another time; Hannah quit asking.
Hannah blew her aunt a kiss.
“I believe you and thank you for being so open about it; I’m sure it was a shock to you, too.”
Kathy nodded. That was an understatement. She thought her sister had been hallucinating with all of the meds that she was taking in the hospital. Hank alive? Impossible. But the dates on the letters confirmed her lie.
“I guess we’re both figuring out this thing together. Why my mom felt she had to lie.”
“Hey, what about me?”
“I meant all of us,” Hannah grinned. “You’re included.”
“Okay then… dive in!” Cash laughed. “Grab another letter!”
They read letter after letter, searching for clues. Many of the letters hadn’t even been opened, still sealed, and thrown into the box with the others. Some were short and to the point, others were odd ramblings. All begged Hannah not to forget him and, when she was able, to write him back. Every letter was sealed with love.
“Oh my God!”
“What?” Cash asked.
Hannah addressed a letter that she held in her hand.
“He believes I purposely didn’t write him back. He states right here that he’s given up and he’ll quit bothering me. Listen to what he wrote.”
This continued silence, especially after all these years, confirms my worst fears: you have, without a doubt, forgotten me!!! The Captain, as you so often preferred to call me, rather than Daddy, has been erased from your memory.
Do you even remember me at all? You may have forgotten our past, understandably after all these years, and moved on with your future, but I am saddened it is without me.
You know where I am, and how to reach me if you choose, but Hannah, I will not bother you anymore. The silence, even after all these years, is too painful. I will think of you daily, and know that I will love you and forever think about the person you surely must have grown up to become.
Dad
She pointed to the tattered paper in her hand.
“He says that I’m old enough to write back to him if I wanted, but since I’m not responding to his letters, he’s gotten the message. Oh my God, Don’t you see? He has no idea I didn’t know… he doesn’t know I never received a single letter!”
Kathy took the yellowed paper out of Hannah’s hand and reread it over and over again. She could hear Hank’s voice in her head as she read. Surreal, hearing her old brother-in-law’s voice after all this time, if only in her head.
Frustrated, she sat down in Gloria’s recliner.
“Your mom loved Hank. She loved him. He really was the love of her life. I just don’t understand what happened.”
Glancing around her sister’s living her room, her eye caught Gloria’s bedroom door. She jumped up and ran into Gloria’s room, returning a few seconds later with the photograph of their family in her hand.
“Look at this photo, Hannah. Who’s in this picture?”
Hannah didn’t need to look at the picture; she’d seen that photo her entire life.
“You know who that is.”
“I’m asking you. Who is it?”
“Kathy, this is stupid. You know its Mom, Dad, and me.”
Cash reached for the photo and examined it carefully.
“Oh my God! Were you the cutest kid or what?!”
“Don’t you get it; your mom still loved him. She never brought men around, right?”
Kathy was right; she knew that Hannah had never seen her mom bring guys into their house, either as friends or dates. She remembered her mom playfully arguing with a friend when the friend was threatening to set her up on a double date. They weren’t friends for very long after that; her mom never went on that date or any date, period.
“Well, technically, she was still married,” Cash added. “But I see what you’re saying and so I’ll shut up now.”
“Right, she was married, but no one knew that she was married, and legally because he was in prison she could have gotten an uncontested divorce.” Kathy took a sip of her coffee. “She never did. She’d told everyone she was widowed, and she still didn’t keep the company of other guys. We talked almost daily and not a single mention of any men, ever.”
“Well, what’s your point?” Cash asked. “She didn’t like men after that?”
“No!” Kathy grinned. “She loved Hank, never stopped. This, wh
atever it was, whatever happened between them, wasn’t ever about them!”
Puzzled, Hannah asked, “Then what? What is this all about?”
“Whatever her reason, it all revolves around you!”
“Whoa!” Cash responded. “I hadn’t really looked at it like that.”
Kathy continued. “Hank was serving time for involuntary manslaughter. I’ll explain that in a minute if you have anything else you need to know regarding it. But something went down, and there was a fight. Whatever happened at that time, that fight and this mess we have right here involving Hannah, caused Gloria to make a decision that changed all of your lives. It was that decision, the one about Hank, which caused her to believe she needed your forgiveness. And it was the same decision that she made that caused Hank to believe you had abandoned him.” She pointed to the letters. “Does any of this make sense?”
“Kinda. Well, yes, but either way, I know exactly what I have to do!” Hannah stated calmly.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Cash asked.
“I have to meet him. Hank. Oh my God, that sounds so weird.” She took a deep breath and said the words out loud again. “I have to visit my dad, formerly known as the Captain.”
Cash grabbed her hand and kissed the top of it.
“I’ll go with you or at least drive you.”
“I don’t even know where we’re going.”
“I do,” Kathy announced.
“Where?” Hannah asked, surprised.
“Well, if I’m right, judging by these letters, we’re headed to Folsom State Prison.”
Chapter 32
What Do We Do?
“Have no idea what to say; I’ll shut up now.”
Captain Fin Page 22
