“I think Xan would understand you need that chocolate bar, babe. That shit before was intense and there wasn’t a damned thing either of us could do. She’s whacked in the head.”
It pained me a little that it was my mother I was talking about—even if it was true.
“I’ll need to run another couple of kilometres.”
“So run another couple of clicks.”
“I hate running by myself. It’s so boring and ten times more difficult.”
“I’ll be back running with you soon. Hey, I’m up to the elevators now. That must be a whole thirty metres.”
“Yeah, you will.” I was being sarcastic and she was being positive and supportive.
What had I done to deserve having someone like her in my corner?
I took another bite of the cherries wrapped in dark chocolate and watched her succumb to the temptation of the chocolate bar.
She was waiting for me to start talking, I could tell.
Surprisingly, I felt much calmer after my nap. But what I was about to do was still scary as all fuck to me.
I felt like a first time skydiver, fear resonated in every cell as I edged closer to the door of the plane and jumping. I sure hoped my chute opened when I leapt.
And then, I took a deep breath and just jumped—trusted.
“I said before I wanted to talk to you and I do. I also really dug kissing you again.” Her face went all soft and she edged her chair closer to the bed. I reached out and brushed my hand down the side of her cheek. Sophia really was beautiful, the natural, born-with-it type of beauty. The type time nor trend would ever dim.
“I loved kissing you, too.” Her eyes darted away for a second, then met mine again. There was that word again. “It somehow didn’t feel right before, even though we’ve previously kissed hundreds of times.” She admitted and I could tell it cost her a lot to say that.
I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. “Before, it was different. I wanted to talk to you about what you said and where we go from here. Did you mean it, when you said you loved me?”
“Yes.” Her eyes never lost contact with mine and her voice never faulted. She was certain. “But I have no idea about how you feel about it.” And that was when I saw the vulnerability creep in.
“You probably know that I had a visit from Xan last night.”
She nodded in confirmation. “He mentioned that he was coming in.”
“We had a long chat and, well, he set me straight about some stuff.” I could talk around in circles or I could get to the point. The ground was coming up fast!
“I know I’ve been really difficult to get on with and you’ve been amazing the way you’ve stepped up and taken care of me and been there for me. I’m not used to it. I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“I kind of got that impression from earlier, when I realized what sort of role model you’d had.”
I dropped my eyes from hers, momentarily embarrassed about my crazy fucked up relationship with my mum.
I dragged my gaze back to her. “Ahh, yeah. I’ve never wanted a relationship to be more than sex Soph. Somehow, that’s different with you. For the first time ever, you have me wondering if I can do more. I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I can do it, but I want to find out if you’re prepared to take a chance on me. I realize now you need more from me than just sex.”
She gave me a knowing grin that held a little amusement. “Isn’t that what I’ve been doing all along? Waiting for you to figure out that we had more than just sex.”
“I don’t know, is it?” Had she really been thinking that?
“Well, yeah.”
I let out a chuckle. “Well, I guess that’s good then, we’re both on the same page.”
A slight frown came over her face. “Maybe you should explain what you think ’being on the same page means.’”
Oh, God, how did I put it into words? The ground was coming at me quicker again.
“How about I tell you what I think, what I want from a relationship, and we’ll see how bad you freak out, at least you can’t run.” She knew me better than I thought.
Sophia pulled the rip cord for me and, immediately, I started to slow my descent.
I might just be okay.
I watched her take a deep breath and launch right in. My girl was fearless. I only wished I had the same sort of certainty where we were concerned.
“For me, Seth, I guess it’s being comfortable with those next layers of intimacy. Your accident has really made it clear to me. It’s also made it obvious to me how much you try to reject anything more than superficial. How uncomfortable it makes you feel. You’ve felt really awkward about me doing anything to help you. You know, stuff you’d normally do for yourself. I get the fact that you’re embarrassed but I don’t want you to be.” Sophia was rambling, but I could understand why, plus she was doing it to ease my own fears. That only made me want her more.
“I want you to feel like you can do or tell me anything and not feel concerned or embarrassed about telling me or how I’ll act or view you. For me, it’s about being comfortable and feeling safe enough to share anything and know that you’ll still love me, regardless. That’s where I want to get to because that’s what I want to give you. I want to give you that sort of love.”
She was stripping me back and I felt like a bug under a microscope.
Sophia was going all in.
This was definitely the freefalling, big jump type of stuff she was talking about.
Nothing about working up to it in small steps. I shouldn’t be surprised; Sophia was fearless in so many ways.
I hadn’t even mentioned loving her. Not yet. I was so unsure of my feelings and here she was laying it all out for me, telling me what she wanted and needed. Could I do it? Could I be what she needed?
“I hate you seeing me as anything less than the man you know. There’s something really dehumanizing about having to get someone else to help you use the bathroom.”
“Yeah, there is, I imagine. But from my perspective, I don’t want to see you struggle or be in pain when I could help you if you need it. It’s not like I don’t know your body. I saw it with Eden to an extent. She was pretty much laid up for the first few months. Admittedly, it was mum or me helping her but I know it made her feel uncomfortable. It’s not just about that though. I want to know how you feel about stuff. Why you have those feelings or views.”
“Geez, Soph, I don’t think even I know half the time why I think or feel a particular way about something.” Fuck, I’d never spoken so much about emotions as I had the last couple of days.
“Do any of us? We don’t need all the answers today. It’s about finding out together. That’s what I want.” And she was asking me whether I could provide it, work with her on it.
“I guess I’m okay with having a go at that. Xander said he thought we should focus on giving a go to building a relationship that wasn’t built solely on sex. That’s what you’re asking for, right?”
“Right. What else did he say?” She eyed me curiously.
Oh no, I’d promised him I wasn’t going to divulge. “He suggested we should take the time that I’m essentially out of action to try and build what you were talking about. That was what I was wanting to talk to you about and see if you wanted to have a go at. I have to admit, though, it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
She grinned, seeming unfazed by my concerns “The answer is yes. I’m so over feeling awkward around you. To you, we might have only been having sex before but at least it was never awkward between us. Since you’ve been hurt, it’s felt really awkward for me. I’ve wanted to touch you, be close to you but I’ve not known what’s right. What you’ll tolerate or let me do. I’ve hated feeling like that. And none of us know what we’re doing in relationships. That’s the journey, figuring out if we’re on the same road and enjoying the scenery together.”
Her words were killing me and giving me hope at the same time. She’d
been hurting too, all because she was wanting to help and be there for me. I was shit at letting people help me.
There seemed to be only one thing to say. “I’m sorry.”
She took my hand and laced our fingers together. “It’s okay, we’re fixing it now. That’s what this is about, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
A smile that would warm the coldest night settled on her face and I knew then, the discomfort I’d felt was worth it.
“How about you kiss me again? If I recall, we were interrupted before and I was definitely enjoying myself.”
She had no idea how tempting that sounded, unfortunately there was something else on my mind. Something that had been torturing me for days.
“Soon.”
Might as well lead with the big guns right?
“What?”
“Well, you know that intimacy stuff you were just mentioning?”
“Yes,” she said warily.
“I need to tell you something, it’s kind of been part of the reason I’ve been so prickly and it affects you.” I took a deep breath; this was about as tough as it got for a guy.
“Just say it.” Concern etched her face.
“I haven’t been hard since the accident. Even before, when we were kissing—nothing. You know that would have normally had me ready to go, if I wasn’t already there before.” There, I’d said it and I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Concern etched her face. “Is it because of the surgery or because of the break?”
“Probably both. Nancy said it was my body’s way of protecting itself while I healed.”
“You spoke to Nancy about this?” Yeah, it was as surprising as hell for me too.
“Well, I can’t say I intended to, it just kind of happened.” I admitted a little coyly.
“What did she say?”
“Not to worry about it at the moment.” I winced.
“Well, there you go.”
“It’s just…”
“You’re freaking out because you’re always hard,” she finished for me and grinned, her eyes filling with mischief.
“Yeah.” The word hung between us for a second.
Then she got cheeky and lifted the blanket. I had on a pair of loose athletic shorts so there was nothing visible.
“What are you doing?” I asked warily.
“Wondering if you would like me to see if I can help.”
“We’re in a hospital,” I reminded her.
“And your point would be? Do I need to remind you about some of the places we’ve done it?” She teased me with the sex kitten face.
“No, you don’t need to remind me! I may not remember what happened after but I do remember taking you against your bedroom wall and it sure was hot. I also remember every other time. Besides, I thought we just agreed that we were going to work on building a relationship that wasn’t focused solely on sex.”
“We did. But this is obviously bothering you. If you want me to do something, I will.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“I’ll be ready whenever you are.” There was a big sparkle in her eyes. And that was one of the things that had me so attracted to Sophia. She was as adventurous and up for sex and anything else as much as I was—well, normally, that is.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured though. We’ll get back to it when you’re healed.”
I decided to go for broke. “Xan kind of suggested we should focus on being affectionate and that sort of stuff. Kind of like going back to high school.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was sweet and innocent,” she said in a proper voice.
“Oh, right. I’m sure that was the case.”
She just raised her eyebrows playfully. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“I thought we were doing the whole disclosure thing?”
“You really want to know if I was busy in high school?”
“Sure. Why not? Who popped your cherry, babe? It wasn’t me.”
“You really want to know that?”
“Well, not really, but if you want to tell me…I’m good with it.”
“It was this guy called Troy and it was terrible.” The look on her face had me laughing. “A total let down. Took me another year before I could even think about going there again. Next time, I was smarter. I picked an older man! One that knew what the different parts of the female anatomy actually did.”
By this stage, we were both laughing. It felt great. The only bad part was, I still felt a level of pain in my pelvis. Although, the incision points didn’t feel so bad anymore.
“I’m sorry, it’s uncomfortable for you to laugh?”
“Yeah, but it feels good to as well. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, plus you’re up and around. Small steps, Seth. You’re not ready for the cage yet but getting out of bed and walking is a biggy, isn’t it.”
“Yeah, I guess it is.” As hard as it was to accept, she was right.
“Then, go with that. You get to do it again tomorrow.”
She looked so excited and animated. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hug her to me. Though, that wasn’t really possible at the moment. We seemed to do just fine on the kiss before.
“You mentioned before about going back to that kiss. I’m good to go if you are.”
“And there he is. The Seth I missed. But just let me clarify something first.”
“What’s that?”
“So kissing, even kissing the way we do it, that’s on the menu? Is it covered under being affectionate or is it too much?”
“It’s on the menu.” I decided firmly. No way I could give her chaste little kisses. The woman had a mouth that begged to be devoured and it was one of my favourite things to do.
“Well, in that case, I’m hungry.”
I grabbed her arm and half-pulled her out of the chair. “Then, what are you waiting for?”
“Absolutely nothing,” she said as her lips found mine.
Sophia
The awkwardness between us seemed to have evaporated right after that discussion and the kiss. Oh, what a kiss it was! It was definitely a turning point for us.
Suddenly, we felt right again. I could touch him and it felt normal. We could chat without the stiltedness that had previously been in our relationship after he woke up.
Now, all I had to worry about was what I was going to do on Monday.
I needed to go back to work.
Then, there was the question about what we were going to do when Seth was ready to come home, which I figured would be in another week or two.
“What’s the matter, babe? That’s one hell of a frown you’re sporting.”
“Oh, nothing.” I tried to wave off. I hadn’t realized I was projecting what I was thinking.
The look on his face said “try again.”
“Isn’t this what this new phase for us is all about?” He pushed a little more when I tried to shrug it off.
He had a point. It was what I was wanting and had asked for. The only problem was, I didn’t want him to worry about me or anything for that matter while he was laid up in hospital. I just wasn’t sure how to avoid this conversation. It was kind of inevitable.
“I’m worried about going back to work.”
“Why?” He looked surprised.
“John wasn’t happy that I took time of as holiday leave. I’m just trying to figure out how I can make sure you’re fine and keep my job.”
“From what you’ve said, the guy’s a dickhead. I can’t say I’m happy about you working for an arsehole like that.”
“I’m not real fond of it either. And the way he carried on when I asked to take my holiday time really pissed me off. But I need a job. I was hoping this one would do until I had enough money behind me and experience to open my own place.”
“Yeah, I figured that. So, what are you going to do?” He looked at me expectantly. It quietly pleased me to know he’d been taking notice of stuff
about my life even if he hadn’t previously appeared to be interested.
What was I going to do?
Wasn’t that the question? I’d been tossing it around in my head for the last couple of days. The closer D-day, or Monday, came, the more I was dwelling on it.
“I was thinking I’d go to work on Monday as normal and try and talk to John about it. I want to see if he’ll let me work from home when you come out of the hospital.”
“Can you do that? I don’t want to be a burden, I’m just not sure…”
“…I want to be there for you, Seth.” I cut him off before he had time to talk himself out of the sense he’d just shown. This was the first time I could remember Seth ever admitting he needed help.
“I should be able to. Shit, most of the stuff I do is just update real estate websites with listings. All I need is an internet connection. John just likes to have his minions around. Unfortunately, I’m his main one.”
Seth looked a little shocked. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise you hated your job.”
I nodded slowly. “It’s not my job I hate but working for John. I love the industry. My biggest dream now is to open my own real estate agency.”
“What’s stopping you from doing it now? Didn’t you just complete all the courses or something?”
His question stunned me. Open it now?
“Well, yeah, I did complete the courses, it just a paperwork issue but I need the experience and well I don’t have the finances to be able to open and do what I need to do.”
He looked at me thoughtfully and nodded. I could see his mind was racing. When Seth wasn’t clowning around, training, or trying to seduce me, he really was an incredibly intelligent guy. You didn’t get a Masters Degree in Geology and be in hot demand, if you were stupid. He was always getting calls from companies wanting him to look over reports or take a field trip somewhere—most of which I’d seen him turn down. That didn’t seem to stop people asking though. He definitely had no shortage of people wanting to engage his professional services.
Seth stared at me some more. He was looking at me but not focused. I could see his mind trying to piece something together.
“You know what strikes me about the real estate industry?” He finally levelled at me.
Challenge: A Contemporary MMA Romance: Oni Fighters Book 3 Page 14
