by Bella Grant
“Baby, I’m going to come,” he said, sounding far away behind her.
They came in tandem—hot, messy, together. He drew her to him, wrapped his arms around her, and buried his face in her hair.
“You smell amazing,” he said.
She loved the feel of his body against hers, enveloping her after she’d enveloped him, taken him inside herself in two places.
She flicked the light off, daring to hope he might stay the night. It wouldn’t mean anything, of course, and this would have to be the last time. But he was here with her now, holding her, and she wouldn’t turn away from it, no matter how much she knew she should.
She woke up in the night to use the bathroom, and he was still there. Not holding her anymore, but nearby. She slid into bed next to him, curling into him. He stirred in his sleep and tucked an arm around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.
When she woke up again, bright sunlight bathed the room, and he was still there, stretching and yawning next to her. She’d assumed he’d be gone by now, and there wouldn’t be this conversation, whatever it promised.
“You’re amazing,” he said.
She looked at him, splayed out next to her and already hard again. She took in his tattoos, his muscles, and his smile.
“Sterling, I can’t do this anymore.”
“I know. I can’t either.”
“I mean it. We said this like a day ago, and here we are.”
The smile slid off his face. “I came in to talk to you, and I couldn’t help myself.”
She shouldn’t encourage him. “I’m glad you did. It was amazing. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m starting to have feelings for you. I know you don’t have any feelings, so this will work out pretty poorly for me, huh?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and looked like he wanted to say something. He didn’t, though.
“Jenna’s going to catch you, and you seem to want to be with her. Sterling, I quit.”
“Hey now, you can’t quit. We’ll just stop doing this.” He gestured between himself and her.
“We tried that. It didn’t work. Give me the weekend after we get back to clear out of the apartment, and that will be the end of it.”
“You don’t have to go.”
“I need to get away from you, don’t you understand?”
“You’re the best personal assistant I’ve had.”
“I like the work. I like you. If I keep doing this, though, it’s going to start to hurt. Really badly.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know you don’t. But I like you a lot. Too much. And I just can’t keep doing it, knowing you’re not available. I like you for more than your body or your money. I like you for your brain and your heart, the two things I can never, ever have.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Dammit, yes, I’m serious. I’ll be out by Monday.”
“Where are you going to go?”
“I’ll figure it out.”
He reminded her of a child who’d heard no for the first time. He wasn’t pouting—she suspected that would come later. He seemed shocked. It frustrated her.
“Now get out of my bed. Please. I have to pack.”
STERLING
Sterling slunk back to his room, tail between his legs. He understood what she was asking for on a practical level, but he kept chewing over the part where she said she had feelings for him. That she wanted his mind and his heart.
He showered her glorious smell off himself—for the last time, he thought pointedly, like rubbing salt in his wound. He dressed for breakfast and met Ben and Jenna. Eric hovered nearby, and Sterling wanted to punch him in the face for no good reason.
“Are you all right?” Ben, always so observant, keyed right in on his mood.
“Fine, have some work to do at home that I’ve been putting off. It’s easy not to think about those things while I’m here, but since we’re flying back in a few hours, they’re working their way back into my brain.”
“This is the trouble you’ll find, caring about someone as smart and driven as Sterling,” Ben explained to Jenna. “His brain never shuts off.”
“Is Cherise coming to breakfast?” Jenna asked.
Sterling could practically see Eric’s ears perk up at the mention of her. None of us get her, buddy. She’s her own woman, one hundred percent. But he could have her.
No. He couldn’t. He’d never be able to give her what she wanted. Jenna was perfect, because she was broken, too. Their brands of broken would have to work together.
They made small talk and Ben let them know he’d be back in the city at the end of the month.
“Let me know when you want me, and I’m happy to come for dinner,” Sterling said.
“You’ll have to bring Miss Kerrigan. And Miss Meyer, if she is available.”
“I’m sure she wouldn’t miss it,” Sterling said, wishing it were true.
“Ben, it was so nice to meet the man who’s such an inspiration to my Sterling,” Jenna said.
Her phrasing grated on him, but he smiled.
On the flight back, he sat with Ambrosia, pretending to work on his laptop but really sitting with his racing mind. For the first time, he allowed himself to imagine a world where Cherise filled the role Jenna held. Cherise on his arm at functions. Cherise as the wife Ben wanted him to have. He imagined rock climbing, sailing, and hiking with dogs. He imagined attending her graduation. Imagined the party he’d throw for her. He could fly her parents to New York so they could be there.
To make it work, though, his heart would have to open. Each of the images in his mind involved the most honest version of himself he could imagine. That version felt pain. The one he shared with Jenna did not.
He scratched Ambrosia behind her ears, and she wagged her tail. She’d been extra stiff this morning. He’d had to carry her up the stairs to get into the plane and help her up onto the seat. He told himself as long as she was happy, he’d fight for her. She still got excited to eat and was happy to see him. And happy to see Cherise.
If Cherise left, would she be there to say goodbye to Ambrosia? Or to Ben? He’d taken a shine to her.
Jenna came over, and he could tell she wanted to take Ambrosia’s seat.
“Getting a lot of good work done?” she asked. He was glad he wasn’t actually working because the disturbance would have annoyed him.
“Some. Mostly getting staged up to dig back into it tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday.”
“Yeah, I’ve been away for almost a week, though. Business doesn’t stop because I’m in a tropical paradise with a beautiful woman.”
He didn’t look at the back of Cherise’s head when he said it, but a picture of her filled his mind. Jenna giggled. “Some of my girlfriends are going out tomorrow to watch the Rangers game with their husbands. Do you want to come?” She paused, then covered up with, “Unless you’re working.”
Here was a turning point. Meeting her friends. Now he did glance at the back of Cherise’s head. “I bet I’m going to be swamped. I’ll let you know how it’s looking, but I have almost two hundred emails to go through before I can even start working.”
He could tell she was disappointed, but she smiled and kissed his forehead. “I’ll let you get back to it, then. Don’t work too hard.”
CHERISE
Cherise found an efficiency apartment that suited her perfectly. A sunny living room/kitchen, a dark, cave-like bedroom, and a bathroom with a clawfoot tub. It was the first place she’d ever had that was uniquely hers, and thanks to the money she’d saved up working for Sterling, she was able to furnish it and get herself nicely settled.
She got a job at Starbucks, and even though she’d taken a leave of absence from school, she worked diligently on her thesis every night. When she returned in the fall, she was going to put her nose to the grindstone and graduate as soon as she possibly could.
She hadn’t seen Sterling since the airport. He�
�d taken Jenna home, and Cherise had taken the limo back to Waters tower with Ambrosia. She’d gotten the dog settled and cried into her coarse fur for so long she worried Sterling would find her there before she could retreat next door.
She spent the weekend tracking down a place to live, and because she had a fat bank account, it was easy. She’d even considered buying, but renting seemed much less scary. There would be plenty of time to buy in the future.
A month passed without seeing or hearing from Sterling.
All week, Cherise felt like she was missing something, forgetting something. She couldn’t put her finger on what until she reached under the bathroom sink for a fresh roll of paper towels and saw a box of tampons. Her period, which she could usually set her watch by, was late. The thought slammed into her like a wrecking ball, and she had to go sit down in the living room.
A week late. She’d never been a week late.
Her heart pounded in her ears. Stress. It had to be because she was stressed. Or something. Why hadn’t she insisted Sterling wear a condom? She supposed it could be Eric’s, but that didn’t seem as likely as they’d played it much safer.
She needed a pregnancy test. She wished she hadn’t seen the tampons, hadn’t realized what had been niggling at her all week. She wished she’d never applied for Sterling’s stupid job. None of this was worth all the headache and heartache.
Cherise was an outspoken advocate for the right to choose, but she’d never thought of herself as someone who could go through with an abortion. Right now, there could be a little person inside her who was exactly half her and half Sterling. She couldn’t kill that, though she agreed with the argument that life didn’t begin at conception. She wanted to see who that person would be, who he or she would become.
Cherise felt like she carried a thousand-pound weight on her back as she took the rickety lift to the ground floor and headed out in the February blizzard to the CVS down the street.
Standing in line with the kit, she saw all the pink and red boxes around her and realized today was Valentine’s Day. She wondered how Sterling and Jenna were celebrating. She pictured them sitting at a table by candlelight, Sterling presenting her with a ridiculously large diamond ring. Something like that wouldn’t even matter to him. He could buy any diamond in the world. By the time Cherise got to the cashier, she was crying and couldn’t stop. She could barely breathe, and her tears blurred her vision.
“Honey, are you okay?” The cashier was a woman with very short hair and a whole lot of eyeliner. “Do you have someone you can call?”
Cherise pushed her hair from her eyes—it stuck in the wet trails of tears on her cheeks. “I’m good.” She could hardly get words out.
The cashier didn’t look like she believed her but took her money for the pregnancy test and focused on the next woman in line.
Cherise hurried home through the blustery Valentine’s afternoon.
She read the instructions twice, even though she knew it was simple to use. You just peed on the stick. She didn’t have to pee, though. So she drank a big glass of water, then another. She spent a few minutes beating herself up for the beer she’d had last weekend. Great, she was going to have a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome for Sterling to support. She couldn’t possibly have screwed her life up more.
Finally, she headed for the bathroom and took the test. Two pink lines. In the instructions, the word next to that image read “Congratulations!”
Everything around her went hazy and started swimming. She sat down on her couch.
She was pregnant.
Instead of calling Sterling’s direct cell line, she called Jayne Butler, Sterling’s receptionist.
“Hey, Cherise! How are you? We miss you like crazy!”
“Hiya, I’m good. Is Sterling around?”
“He just popped into a three o’clock, and I don’t expect him free until after five.”
“Can you have him give me a call ASAP?”
“Is everything okay?”
Everything was so far from okay…
“Yeah, I’m good. Don’t pull him from the meeting or anything, just stress it’s important. I’m fine.”
“Great. I bet he’ll be really happy to hear from you.”
“Great. Good to talk to you, Jayne.”
“Let’s grab a drink sometime.”
“Sure, I’d like that,” Cherise said. A drink in eight months after her baby was born.
STERLING
Sterling’s head was caught up in his evening plans, at present trying to decide whether to send the limo for Jenna tonight or if he should drive them himself.
Jayne met him outside the board room.
“You have any plans tonight?” he asked her, knowing she’d been seeing a guy pretty seriously for the past few months.
“Oh, yes. Dinner at Chez Lindquist at nine. I’ve never been there. He must have booked the reservation months ago.”
“Great. I hope you have a fantastic time.”
“Cherise called for you.”
The news knocked the wind out of him. Cherise called? On Valentine’s Day? “Oh, yeah?”
“She asked you give her a call back ASAP. She sounded kind of upset. Or maybe like she had a cold. She said she was fine, though.”
“Thanks, I’ll give her a call.”
Sterling headed into his office and closed the door behind him. It was cool in here, the view of the snowy city not making it feel any warmer.
He and Jenna were supposed to fly to a lodge upstate tonight. Not in this snow, though. He’d made a reservation at Jenna’s favorite French restaurant instead. They were booked, of course, but Sterling’s money had a way of speaking for itself.
Romantic evenings with Jenna still just included sitting on the couch together. Sometimes, when she felt really close to him, she’d open up about how great her dead husband was and how much she still loved him.
Cherise wasn’t into head games, but a Valentine’s Day call seemed a little suspicious.
He sat at his desk and picked up a pencil to play with. He dialed her number and put the call on speaker phone. It rang once, twice, three times. He flicked the pencil between his fingers faster and faster. He expected it to go over to voicemail when she picked up with a breathless, “Hello.”
“Hey, it’s Sterling. What’s up?” Stupid. She had caller ID. Of course she knew it was Sterling.
“Hi. I know the timing is awful, but I need to see you. I’m sure you’ve got plans tonight with Jenna, but tomorrow?”
He stilled the pencil in his grip. Sterling looked at the clock on the wall. He wasn’t supposed to see Jenna until seven, and it was five now. Maybe having concrete plans would keep the conversation short. Would keep him on his best behavior.
“I’m here now if you want to swing by the office.”
“Now?”
“Sure. I have a few hours.”
“Okay.” She didn’t sound like herself. Sounded scared and tired. It made his heart hurt for her.
“Are you all right?”
“We can talk about it in a few. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
“Okay. Jayne is gone for the night and I’m the only one here, so call from the lobby and I’ll buzz you up.”
“Okay.” She hung up without saying goodbye. He wondered if she’d decided to go back to South Africa. If she was saying goodbye to him. He looked down at the pencil between his fingers and snapped it in half.
He realized he didn’t know where she lived these days, didn’t know where she was, so he had no idea how long it would take her to get here. In the doorway of his executive bathroom he had a hang board to practice rock climbing grips and do pull-ups. He unbuttoned his baby blue work shirt and did a hundred pull-ups. Then he worked on finger strength, listening for his phone to buzz as he worked.
Finally, it did. He dropped to the floor, rushed to his desk and picked up, pushing the unlock button for the private elevator.
“I’m here,” she said.
&
nbsp; “Come on up. It’s unlocked.”
He headed out to meet her in the lobby at the elevator. It took a while for it to reach the 98th floor. The doors opened with a ding, and Cherise stepped out. She wore no makeup, her hair was pulled back and not styled, and she wore jeans, a sweatshirt, and a winter jacket.
She looked more beautiful than he remembered.
“Hey,” she said. “Let’s sit down.”
“Are you all right, Cher?”
“I don’t know.”
“Whatever you need, I’m here to help you.”
“Thanks.”
They headed into his office, and she sat in a leather chair. He took a spot on the couch as close to her as he could get. He didn’t reach for her, though. She didn’t seem to want it.
“I missed my period. I took a home pregnancy test, and it was positive.”
Whoa. This was not even on his radar of possible outcomes of this conversation. He didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t think I can have an abortion. I mean, if you really wanted me to get one we could talk about it, but it’s not something I want to do.”
“Have you seen a doctor?”
“Not yet. I just took the test today. I’m so sorry. The timing is awful. I didn’t think you’d be able to see me so quickly.”
“I’d drop anything for you.” He rubbed his hands over his face, thinking. “So you don’t want an abortion. Do you want to keep it? Give it up?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I don’t feel any different, I just know I missed my period and the test came up positive.”
“So we’ll get you in to the doctor, we’ll see what they have to say and make up our minds from there. I have all the confidence that we’ll do the right thing.” He hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. What the heck would he do with a kid? Would she want him to see it? Did he want to see it? Of course, if she decided to keep it, he’d make sure neither of them wanted for anything ever again, but it wasn’t how he wanted Cherise to stay in his life.
