by Duncan Ball
Selby was about to say, ‘Okay, guys, I confess. I did it — but I didn’t do it on purpose. And, yes, I’m a talking dog but that’s not what’s important now. I just climbed up on a stool for a closer look and I fell off.’
That’s what he was going to say but before the words came out of his mouth he suddenly looked over at the painting of the kitten with big eyes.
‘Hey, hang on,’ he thought. ‘There’s something different about that kitten’s eyes. When I move, they follow me around the room.’
Selby got closer and saw a bit of liquid from the almost empty plastic water bottle running down the painting, taking the paint with it as it went. He dabbed it with his paw and then licked it.
‘It’s water all right,’ he thought. ‘This painting has been painted with poster paints. And, wait there’s another painting underneath! And I think I recognise those eyes!’
Selby looked around.
‘Quick! I need some water!’ he thought. ‘But there’s no water. Oh, no, I think I’ll have to make some …’
‘Selby! What are you doing to that painting!’ Dr Trifle gasped as the three men came back into the room.
‘I can tell you what he’s doing?!’ Etto screamed. ‘He is making water on my beautiful masterpiece kitten with big eyes! Stop it right now, you stupid dog before I kick your stupid head!’
But it was too late. The painting was completely wet now and all the paint was running down onto the floor. And, as the kitten with big eyes in the basket disappeared, a woman’s sort-of smiling face appeared.
‘The Smiling Lady!’ Dr Trifle gasped.
‘It was under Etto’s kitten painting!’ the director gasped too. ‘You were trying to steal the Smiling Lady, weren’t you, Etto? The other painting that went through the machine was just a copy you made, wasn’t it?’
‘I-I-I …’ Etto stammered.
‘And the PCM took the paint off because the paint was new paint.’
‘I-I-I …’ Etto said, still unable to say anything.
‘And you were going to take your kitten painting home and then wash off the kitten. Then you would have owned the most famous and valuable painting in the whole world and everyone would think it had been destroyed!’
‘I-I-I …’ Etto continued.
Suddenly two art gallery guards appeared in the doorway.
‘Take him away,’ the director said, pointing to the Chief Painting Restorer.
‘It’s a good thing you brought Selby along,’ the director said. ‘If it hadn’t been for him, Etto might have pulled off the greatest art theft in history.’
‘He’s a wonderful dog,’ Dr Trifle said, patting Selby. ‘But I have to admit that I’ve never seen him do anything like that before. He must have been desperate to go to the loo. Speaking of which, I think the Smiling Lady certainly needs a clean now.’
‘Well, what are we waiting for?’ the director said, rubbing his hands together. ‘Let’s put her through the PCM just the way we’d planned to in the first place.’
Selby sat on the front seat of the car on the way back to Bogusville. It was a beautiful day and as the scenery flashed by he thought of the Smiling Lady. Then he looked over at Dr Trifle.
‘She was okay,’ Selby thought, ‘but, let’s face it: she’s only a painting. As far as I’m concerned, Dr Trifle and Mrs Trifle are the most famous and valuable people in the whole world.’
SELBY SORCERER
‘Roxanna’s Spelling Kit’ Dr Trifle said, looking at the box Mrs Trifle was holding. ‘What’s that for?’
‘It’s a present for Willy and Billy. Today’s their birthday,’ Mrs Trifle said, writing out a birthday card.
‘What a good idea,’ Dr Trifle said as he finished mopping the kitchen floor, ‘a game to teach the lads to spell better.’
‘No, dear, it’s not that kind of spelling. Have a look.’
Dr Trifle opened the box and pulled out a long robe covered in stars and moons. Under it was a long pointy hat, a plastic wand and a booklet called Roxanna’s Guide to Sorcery.
‘Now I get it,’ he laughed. ‘This is about casting spells, not spelling words.’
‘Yes, Roxanna is the girl from the TV show Roxanna the Sorcerer, remember?’
‘Now wait a minute,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Who’s this for? Willy or Billy?’
‘It’s for both of them. It’s about time they learned to share.’
‘Willy and Billy share something?’ Selby thought. ‘What planet am I on? What town is this?’
‘When do we take this over to them?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘We don’t. You and I have some serious grocery shopping to do. Jetty said that the boys would drop by on their way to town. Goodness, it just started to rain. I’d better leave the present just inside the door so they won’t track mud around the house.’
Selby watched as the Trifles drove away.
‘I can’t go out because of the rain,’ Selby thought. ‘So I’ll hide somewhere in the house where those little brats will never find me.’
Selby was about to climb up to his favourite indoor hiding place — on top of the china cabinet — when he stopped and looked at the present.
‘I just love Roxanna,’ he sighed. ‘I wish I could have a sorcery set.’
Selby opened the box and put on the robe and the hat. Holding the wand in his paw, he looked in the mirror.
‘I am Selby the Sorcerer,’ he announced, waving the wand, ‘and you are now my servant. You must do as I say.’
Selby remembered the time Roxanna got a boy from her class who didn’t even like her to do all her homework.
‘Now, let’s see. How does she get the wand to work? Hocus pocus runkus rand, give me magic in my hand! Only when Roxanna says it sparkles come out of the wand.’
Selby opened Roxanna’s Guide to Sorcery and started reading.
The first step to becoming a real sorcerer
is to empower the wand. Hold the wand
and say these magic words: Hocus pocus
runkus rand, give me magic in my hand!
‘I did it and it doesn’t work,’ Selby said. ‘It’s a dud wand.’
Selby read on.
Magic words are a very personal thing so
feel free to make up your own magic words.
‘Okay. How about: Mokus pocus fiddly fee, make this thingy work for me,’ he said. ‘Or: Unktus frumptus diddly dower, fill this stick with magic power. Nope. Selby’s nimble, Selby’s quick, put some magic in this stick’
Selby felt a strange tingling in his paw and for a brief moment he thought he saw sparkles coming out of the wand. And that was when he suddenly caught the terrifying sight of Willy and Billy heading for the front door.
Selby threw everything back in the box and bounded from the lounge to the top of the china cabinet.
A split second later the terrible twins flew through the door.
‘Here’s my prezzie!’ Billy squealed, tipping out the contents of the box.
‘It’s not yours, it’s mine! ‘Willy screamed. ‘It’s my prezzie and you can’t have it!’
Willy grabbed the sorcerer’s hat and put it on only to have Billy grab it off his head. In a second they were punching each other and screaming.
‘You can have it, ‘Willy said finally, ‘cause it’s stupid.’
‘Yeah, it’s about that stupid girl,’ Billy said. ‘Hey, Willy, let’s find that stinky doggy!’
Selby watched as the boys searched the house, leaving muddy footprints everywhere.
‘That poopy stink-dog is gone,’ Willy said. ‘And we’re going to be in big trouble.’
Willy pointed to the mud all around the floor.
‘Yeah,’ Billy said. ‘We can say the doggy did it, Willy.’
‘No, we can’t. Cause doggies don’t have shoes. Hey, I know! Let’s make doggy feet!’
‘What do you mean?’
Billy took off his shoes and went outside into the mud. Then he came in and ran around on his tiptoes.
‘I’m gonna make doggy feet too!’
Willy and Billy ran in and out of the house, making little muddy footprints everywhere — including on the lounge, the table and all the chairs.
‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby thought. ‘When they walk on their tippy toes it does sort of look like my paw prints. The Trifles will think that I did this!’
Selby couldn’t stand it any longer.
‘Stop it, you idiots!’ he bellowed.
Willy and Billy stopped and looked up.
‘It’s him, Willy,’ Billy said. ‘And he talked again! Let’s get him!’
Willy and Billy struggled to climb the china cabinet but soon gave up and started rocking it back and forth.
‘Cut it out!’ Selby yelled. ‘You’re going to break everything!’
Willy laughed and then lay on his back, making muddy dog tracks on the side of the cabinet.
‘Great,’ Selby thought. ‘If this tips over the Trifles will think I did it.’
‘Okay, stop,’ he said, jumping down. ‘You’ve had your fun so go home.’
‘Now we’re going to get you,’ Willy said.
Selby backed away from the boys as he looked around for a weapon. He bent down and snatched up the sorcerer’s wand.
‘One step more,’ he said, ‘and I’ll hit you with … with this.’
Selby looked at the plastic rod and felt instantly silly. He was about to drop it and make a dash for the door when Willy and Billy stopped in their tracks.
‘That’s better,’ Selby said. ‘Now just back off.’
Willy and Billy took a step backwards.
‘Look at the mess you’ve made!’ Selby said. ‘You should clean it up!’
There was silence for a moment.
‘How do we do it?’ Willy asked, very slowly.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Tell us how,’ Billy said.
‘Are you kidding?’
‘No, Mister Dog, ‘Willy said. ‘We don’t know how to clean floors.’
‘I can’t believe this,’ Selby thought. ‘They’re actually going to do what I say. The wand is actually working! Hey, why don’t I turn them into something harmless?’
‘Okay, kids,’ he said, waving the wand. ‘You’re kittens.’
Willy and Billy just looked at him.
‘No, we’re not,’ Willy said.
‘You’re not? Oh. I guess the wand doesn’t do that kind of magic,’ Selby said. ‘But you’re my slaves.’
‘Yes, Master,’ Billy said.
‘And I’m going to get a mop and vacuum cleaner and some other cleaning stuff so you can clean up this mess.’
Selby put the wand down on the table and, in that instant, Willy and Billy charged at him.
‘Get him, Billy! ‘Willy yelled.
Selby snatched up the wand again.
‘Back!’ he ordered.
‘Yes, Mister Dog,’ the boys said.
For the next hour Willy and Billy mopped the floors, vacuumed and cleaned the lounge and the table and chairs. Selby kept an eye on them as he watched a video of Roxanna the Sorcerer.
Finally the house was spotless.
‘Can we go now?’ Willy asked.
‘Not yet,’ Selby said. ‘I think I’d like you to say you’re sorry for all the times you were cruel to me.’
‘We’re sorry,’ the boys said.
‘You’ll have to do better than that,’ Selby said.
‘We’re very sorry. Very very sorry,’ Willy said, dropping to his knees. ‘Please, Mister Dog, we won’t do it again. Don’t be mad at us.’
‘That’s right,’ Billy said. ‘Is it okay if we go now, Sir?’
‘No, this is too much fun,’ Selby said. ‘How about giving me a massage?’
Selby held tightly to the wand as Willy and Billy rubbed his back and neck. His brain whirred with ideas of what he could do with his new power.
‘Finally, I can talk to the Trifles,’ he thought. ‘I’ll just order them not to tell anyone else. Then I won’t have to worry about being famous and people bugging me all the time. And I won’t have to worry about being dog-napped or being sent off to a laboratory to be asked stupid questions and that. And I can have dinner with the Trifles and eat good food for a change. Goodbye Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits. Hello, peanut prawns!’
‘Hey, that’s enough, guys,’ Selby said. ‘What’s the pocket money situation like?’
‘We’ve got birthday money,’ Billy said.
‘Then what are we waiting for? Let’s order some takeaway food.’
Soon Selby was lying back on the lounge again watching another Roxanna tape as Willy and Billy fed him peanut prawns.
‘This is the life,’ Selby thought. ‘Of course I’ll have to make sure I never drop the wand. It’s got to stay in my paw. Hey, but what about when I’m sleeping? I know, I’ll tape it to my paw. But then it’ll be hard to walk. No, I can tape it to the side of my leg. Then I can walk. People will just think I hurt myself.’
Selby imagined what it would be like talking to the Trifles.
‘They’ll have so many questions to ask me,’ he thought. ‘Ooops, what if they ask me to help with the washing-up and making the beds and that? I mean I don’t want to be their servant, I just want to be their pet.’
Selby thought about this for a moment.
‘I know,’ he said to himself, ‘I’ll wave the wand and tell them to forget that I could be helping around the house. That way they won’t even think to ask me. That’s it.’
Selby watched as the Trifles’ car pulled into the driveway.
‘Gulp. This is it,’ he thought.
‘Okay, guys,’ he said. ‘One thing before I let you go. You don’t know that I’m a talking dog.’
‘We don’t?’ Willy said.
‘That’s right. I’m ordering you to forget it,’ Selby said, waving the wand.
‘But we know,’ Billy said.
‘You mean you didn’t forget it when I ordered you to forget it?’
‘No, Mister Dog.’
‘I get it,’ Selby said. ‘The wand lets me tell people what to do but not what to think.’
‘Okay, boys,’ he said. ‘You know that I’m a talking dog but you’re not allowed to tell anyone.’
‘Nobody ever believed us before anyway,’ Willy said.
‘That’s true but now you’re not even allowed to say it. Now you be nice to your aunt and uncle.’
‘Hello, there,’ Mrs Trifle said when she came in the door. ‘Happy birthday, kids.’
‘Oh, this is scary,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s going to be such a shock when I tell the Trifles.’
‘Thank you, Auntie,’ Willy said sweetly.
‘And thank you for the lovely prezzie,’ Billy said.
‘Why, aren’t you boys polite?’ Dr Trifle said as he put the robe and the hat and the book back in the box.
‘They certainly are,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Isn’t there supposed to be a wand here somewhere?’
‘Yes,’ Willy said. ‘Selby’s got it.’
‘Selby’s got it?’ Dr Trifle said.
‘This is it!’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve got to tell them now because I can’t give back the wand. If I do, I lose all my power! Oh, no, this is tooooooo scary! But it’s going to be all right. Now hang on,’ Selby thought again. ‘Something’s wrong here. I mean I’ll tell them that they can’t tell my secret. That’s okay. And I’ll tell them not to ask me to help around the house. That’s okay too. But they’ll know that I really could help if I wanted to. What if they hate me? I couldn’t blame Mrs Trifle — or even Dr Trifle — because they work so hard. I remember what it was like when I was the boss and they were the pets. Of course, there’s one thing I could do. I could help around the house. In fact I think I’ll (gulp) have to.’
‘Did you say that Selby has the wand?’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Look, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said,
‘he’s chewing on something.’
Dr and Mrs Trifle and Willy and Billy all looked at Selby.
‘He’s chewing the wand!’ Willy screamed. ‘He’s eating it!’
‘That stinky poopy doggy,’ Billy wailed. ‘He just chewed it all up! I’m going to get him!’
‘You’ll do no such thing!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘A minute ago you were little angels and now you’re behaving like monsters! I’m sorry we even gave you that sorcery set.’
‘You don’t know anything!’ Willy bawled. ‘That stinky dog talks!’
‘And … and he says magic words and he’s a sorcerer like the lady on TV!’ Billy added. ‘He made us clean up the whole house and spend our birthday money on him!’
‘Don’t talk rubbish!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I have some magic words for you: Go home. I’m going to ring your mother and tell her just how horrible you’ve been.’
As Willy and Billy dashed out into the rain, clutching their wandless birthday present, Selby felt a warm feeling spread through him. The magic was gone but the wonderful sight of Willy and Billy cleaning the house and feeding him peanut prawns would last a lifetime.
It had been a perfect day.
‘I hope they didn’t hurt you,’ said Mrs Trifle, patting Selby. ‘I don’t know about sorcerers but you’ll always be our magic little dog.’
‘And living with you two,’ Selby thought, ‘is all the magic I’ll ever need.’
FOUND
SELBY SNAPS!
ISBN 0 207197318
Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and,
perhaps, the world, is back in the
snappiest collection of fun–raising and
fun-filled adventures yet!
So hold on tight as you rocket through
space and time with the perilous pooch
as he deals with a nasty knight and
an even nastier dragon!
And take a deep breath as Aunt Jetty
tears through town on a runaway
toilet leaving a trail of destruction;
