by Rula Sinara
Anna got up and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving him dumbfounded. She’d admitted she cared about him. She never would have turned to him that day, never could have given up all she’d believed in, if she hadn’t had deep feelings for him.
He hadn’t misread the signs. And all these years he’d felt so guilty for giving in, for not staying strong for her when she’d fallen apart and begged him to be with her. He still did, but that day, he’d believed they were going to be together forever anyway. He’d planned for it. Envisioned it. It had all made sense...until she’d said no and left him as dumbfounded and lost as he’d felt the night he’d found his parents dead, and child services had taken him away.
He’d been lucky. The Harpers had been there for him. He wanted to be there for both Anna and Pippa—he really did. But if Anna didn’t want him, and two rounds of “no” were enough to get through to him, then his hands were tied. He’d need to concentrate on raising Pippa, and cope with the hollow ache that would invade him every time he saw her mother or heard her voice.
He just didn’t know how.
CHAPTER TEN
MORTIFIED DIDN’T BEGIN to describe how Anna felt. She splashed cold water on her face for the third time, then drank a sip from her cupped hands. It did nothing to soothe the tightness in her throat.
Jack had confirmed everything she’d feared. He was just like her father. That bit of psychology about girls gravitating toward men who reminded them of their dads and guys liking girls who were like their mothers was true, after all. She’d almost said the word love. She’d almost admitted that she’d loved him. The humiliation would have killed her. Just like the last time he’d proposed. She’d have given him the word love and gotten the word option in return. How like her father. How logical and scientific of Jack. Better yet, he should have come up with a hypothesis on how they should manage parenting Pippa.
Anna wiped her face and hung up the towel. Jack had always been her best friend. She used to dream about the day when he’d get past his hang-ups and let her into his heart. Really let her in. But then she’d changed. And it turned out she’d been right in rejecting him back then, because it wasn’t just his timing that was off—his motive had been, too. Dutiful, like her dad. He’d felt responsible for her taking off her promise ring, so he’d proposed. He’d seen it as an option to fix things...no different than he did now. And he’d just proved that her fears of him insisting on marriage if he’d known she was pregnant weren’t unfounded. She’d essentially saved all of them from heartache, even if it had been replaced with a different kind of hurt.
Anna straightened the bedcovers she’d neglected earlier, unable to face him again. She’d wait for Pippa to wake up. With her around, Anna and Jack wouldn’t have to focus on one another.
The doorbell rang and she could hear the weight of Jack’s footsteps on the floor, followed by voices. She sighed and plopped a pillow into place. She picked up the hair band she’d left on the dresser and pulled her hair into a ponytail. She really wasn’t in the mood to socialize with Jack’s parents or his sister, but it wasn’t as if she had a choice. And if Jack’s mom decided to continue where she’d left off last night... Anna wasn’t sure she could take it right now.
There was a tap on the bedroom door. “Anna?” Jack said.
So much for hiding.
“I’m coming.” She sighed and took one last look in the mirror before opening the door. Jack stood with one hand on the door frame, blocking her exit. He brought his face close to her ear and kept his voice low.
“If you just called your mom, she must have broken the sound barrier getting here,” he said.
“My mom?” Oh, no. Anna hadn’t spoken to her mother yet. Hadn’t explained about Pippa. How could she know? “What’s she doing here? How’d she know I’m here?” Anna could barely hear her own voice.
“She wants to see her granddaughter. Don’t look at me like that. I’m innocent, and I could use you out there. She isn’t too happy, and greeted me with a few choice words. They were probably deserved, given the circumstances.”
Anna dug her nails into her scalp. This was not good. Damage control.
“She was supposed to hear it from me. I needed to explain in person so I could tell if she was okay.”
“Now would be a good time.”
Jack left Anna standing in the bedroom doorway. The explanation she’d carefully planned during the flight over became muddled in her head. All these years of not telling her mom...of protecting her...and now this.
Anna could hear Jack offering coffee or tea, and her mother declining. Choice words or not, she was probably putting up a front for Jack. She sounded meek, nothing like the energized woman Anna had spoken to six months ago, after she’d emailed about a new job. New jobs were becoming an annual event, but she’d seemed enthusiastic this time.
Gosh. Five years. Anna fought the lump in her throat and walked down the hall. She’d faced far worse in Kenya. She’d endured a pregnancy and child-rearing on her own. But this. Seeing the pain in her mother’s face and knowing she’d caused it...again.
Pippa’s door was still closed. Thank goodness. Anna passed it and entered the living room. Her mom stood by the fireplace, examining the elephant carvings with her arms folded protectively. She’d cut off her hair and had this shorter version tucked behind her ears. The gray streaking through it screamed of how long it had been since Anna had seen her in person.
“Anna!” Tears began falling freely, smearing mascara down her mother’s cheeks, and something unhitched in Anna.
“Mom,” she said, falling into her embrace.
“I missed you, Anna,” Sue exclaimed, holding her tight.
“I missed you, too!” Anna sniffed back her own salty tears. For a minute it felt like old times, when she’d come home, upset over a grade, and her mom would hug her and say it didn’t matter, that she loved her anyway.
It felt so good to let go and let herself trust. To believe that maybe she’d been wrong all this time. Staying safely away.
Then Anna remembered. She could not let go. She needed to stay in control and make sure Mom didn’t fall apart and lose the fragile stability she’d managed to tightrope in recent years.
Jack cleared his throat. “I need to pick up a few things at the grocery store. Do you need anything in particular for Pippa, Anna?” he asked, grabbing his cell phone and keys. Privacy was so much easier around here than at Busara.
She shook her head.
“I’ll be back soon, then. Call me if you think of something.”
He stopped at the door and looked at Anna over the back of her mom’s head. Sue didn’t turn to say goodbye. Anna cocked her head slightly to indicate she’d be okay. He nodded and left.
“Can I get you anything, Mom?”
“You could bring me my granddaughter,” she said, relaxing her shoulders after the front door closed. She looked from the armchair to the couch, as if judging the lesser of two evils, and chose the couch.
“Can we give her a few minutes and see if she gets up on her own? She’ll be cranky otherwise.”
Anna cringed inside, her own words hitting home. The memory of that morning when her baby brother didn’t wake up had never stopped haunting her, but now, with her mother waiting to see Pippa after her nap, and the whole situation, it was like reliving it all over. No doubt the impact was even greater on her mom.
“Especially with a stranger, I’m sure,” her mother said. Touché. Sue pulled a crumpled tissue from her pocket and wiped her nose.
“Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Anna took a seat next to her.
“I’m your mother, Anna. After all I’ve lost, after a marriage like mine, I at least deserve to have a grandchild to love.”
Anna pressed her knuckles against her mouth to stop her lips from trembling. The last thing she’d int
ended was to deprive her mom of love. It was all she wanted for her. But to tease her with it...let her cling to it and then rip it away? That would have been cruel, and Anna knew her mother couldn’t have handled the pain.
Nothing Anna tried to do could make up for the pain she’d caused. Even loving her mom wasn’t enough to balance the loss of her baby brother. And now she’d done it again. She could see the signs. The sunken corners of her mother’s lips. The hollow of her cheeks and her ancient, oversize sweater—the one she hid in when things weren’t going well. The same faded blue knit Anna would find her curled up in on the couch, asleep, when she came home from school. It had happened every December. Like clockwork.
Anna fingered the end of her mother’s sleeve. “Mom, you deserve all the love in the world, mine included. And I know Pippa will adore you. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I—I wanted to bring her to you in person. A surprise.”
“A surprise? You couldn’t surprise me over the phone or in one of your emails? You didn’t trust me, just like your father. You blame me.”
“No. No. Mom, of course I trust you. I didn’t want to...” Anna couldn’t say the words without sounding insulting or distrustful, but her mother needed a reason as much as Jack had needed one.
“Anna, I’m not stupid. It’s so obvious you kept her a secret because of your brother. Did you really think I couldn’t handle loving another baby?”
Loving. Yes. Maybe too much. To the point of paranoia.
“I don’t live here. I didn’t want you worrying or missing her too much. Dad had just asked for a divorce and I wasn’t here to be with you through that. I didn’t want to add to all you were going through.”
“Or what? I’ve never been suicidal. I’ve spent thousands on therapists who’ll vouch for that. This whole depression thing is nothing but a diagnosis code for insurance purposes. Gives people an excuse. You should have told me.” Sue got up and paced.
Anna stayed seated. When fired up with a goal in her sights, her mother could spin circles around anyone. She was an expert at justifying or convincing, skills that had helped make her husband both a business and political success. And for what? He had it made. He’d married his marketing specialist because he’d gotten her pregnant, used her talents and dropped her when she’d needed more from him than a roof.
There was a time when Sue had been a stronger, more persistent woman, but misplaced persistence had its pitfalls, and she sank into them unpredictably. Insisting she was fine was one of the exasperating ways she’d justify getting off meds or self-adjusting her dose.
Anna pulled a sofa pillow into her lap and hugged it. Good thing she’d canceled seeing Miller today.
“Maybe I should have told you.” Anna flicked at the corner of the pillow with her thumb. If she turned the tables on her mother, perhaps she could convince her to talk to her therapist about her surprise grandchild. Knowing her mom had a therapist at all gave Anna peace of mind. “You know, since I messed this all up, it might be a good idea to have a family visit, Pippa included, with Dr. Seth while I’m in town.”
Sue went to the balcony, drew aside the sheers and looked left, then right, without answering.
“Tell me you’re still seeing her,” Anna said, slapping the pillow aside and getting up.
“I don’t need to see her anymore. I’m fine. Why can’t anyone understand that what I went through was situational depression, not the real thing? Anyone who loses a child or goes through a divorce can’t be expected to spring around, laughing and joking, for goodness’ sake. It’s been four years since I signed the papers for your father. I’m over it. Why should I spend hundreds a session on therapy—or per month on medication—that I don’t need anymore?”
“Maybe you were fine because of the sessions and meds,” Anna said, gritting her teeth to keep her voice down. “Please tell me you didn’t quit the antidepressant on your own again, too.”
Her mom shrugged and tipped her chin up. “They made me gain weight. For nothing.”
“Oh, for crying out loud, Mom.” Anna raked her hair back and squeezed her eyes shut before exhaling long and slow. This. This was why she worried about burdening her mom. Taking care of animals was so much easier for her. The countless talks to get through to her mom about her health only proved that. Despite language barriers, animals respected and listened to her far more than people ever did.
“I. Am. Fine,” her mom declared. Her puffy eyes said otherwise.
Anna may have earned a DVM—doctor of veterinary medicine—rather than an MD degree, but the basics of medication and hazards of noncompliance were the same.
“Okay. I get it. You’re fine. It was all situational. So now work is good, life is good and if you can meet your granddaughter, all will be fixed.”
“Yes, and speaking of work, it’s a good thing I left that useless place last month. Now I can spend quality time with her.”
“Wait a minute. You were fired again?”
“This time it was more of a mutual consent thing.”
“Mom. How many days did you miss?”
Sue pursed her lips and scowled. Anna had crossed the line, but knew better than to believe her mom hadn’t been fired. It wouldn’t be the first job she lost because the days she couldn’t drag herself out of bed had added up.
“I had sick leave and didn’t even use it all. That wasn’t the reason. I have found that one should live life in a way that makes one happy. I was being proactive. Quitting made me feel relieved. Besides, I have plenty of savings from the settlement and from stopping therapy, so it’s all working out. It was meant to be.”
Anna nodded in defeat. She stood and got two glasses of water, drinking and refilling hers before returning to the living room and handing her mom the other one.
“How’d you find out?” she asked.
Her mom took a sip. “Jack’s mother tweeted this morning about a wonderful dinner with her son and his daughter who’d been born in Africa. I put two and two together and called her.”
Tweeted? Geez. Now the world knew. Anna must have scrunched her face without realizing it.
“What?” her mom said. “I’ve tweeted before. Once. Mostly I lurk for entertainment. I’ve searched your name, but it never comes up.
“Uh, yeah. Social media. No, thanks.”
“Well, I hadn’t spoken to her since your graduation, but when I called, she congratulated me for joining grandmotherhood. She didn’t realize she was confirming my suspicions.”
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I’d planned to see you first, but we ended up there last night and—”
“What I want to know is how in the world you could have done this? How could you have thrown away all I taught you? What happened to waiting? To not letting a man steal your life? You turned to this...this man.” She waved at the apartment door. “And then hid from everyone. Hid my grandchild from me.”
“I have not been hiding. I have a life. A career.”
Her mother recoiled and looked away. Anna knew from the twitch in her frown lines that her mother was considering, calculating. She reached over and took Anna’s hands in hers.
“Never mind the past. We all make mistakes. I want you and my granddaughter in my life. I want you to come home. You could stay with me. There’s plenty of room.”
“Mom, I work in Kenya. I live there,” Anna said.
“But you could change that.”
“No, I can’t. I need to be there.” Anna had no energy left. Moving her Mom to Kenya wasn’t an option, either. She’d suggested it once, out of desperation, but Sue had never left town, let alone been on a plane. And planes, especially with all the threats and tragedies in the news, scared her.
But even with a bottle of antianxiety drugs, ripping her away from a society and lifestyle she understood and was comfortable with wasn’t wise. It could backfire.
Anna couldn’t even begin to picture her mom roughing it at Busara. If she ever saw the camp in person, she’d drag Anna and Pippa back to the States and make sure National Security never let them leave again.
“A camp surrounded by hyenas and lions is hardly the right place for a little girl.”
“The right place for a little girl is with her mother. Pippa is well-adjusted, loves books, can stand up to anyone and has an appreciation for all living things. She’s a happy kid.”
Anna’s mom sat back down and set her glass on the coffee table. “I just want to make sure you don’t make the mistakes I made. I didn’t have a choice, of course. Times were different. I was starry-eyed. He wasn’t. Your dad did the right thing marrying me. His only mistake was regretting it. I’m not sure where I went wrong. Who I was wasn’t good enough for him, I guess. You’re stronger than I was. Smarter. Make sure Jack pays child support, but that’s it. If he fights you for custody, I’ll help pay for a lawyer. In fact, you should see one while you’re here, for advice. You know, just in case.”
Anna raised her brows. Her mom was seriously antimarriage. Where had that attitude been when she’d raised her? Before the tragedy? She’d filled Anna’s room with books, from Cinderella stories to modern-day clean romances to every volume on animals Anna wanted. Unless she’d done it because, all along, she thought books were the only place Anna would ever witness true love.
Jack certainly wasn’t romantic. However, Anna had seen into the man’s heart. It existed. It certainly was pure—especially since everything that came out of it went through a logic filter. He just didn’t love her. Not that way, at least. And perhaps, Anna realized, he’d never be able to love anyone that way.
She was certainly a skeptic now, but hearing her mother’s attitude made Anna’s hair curl. She wanted to argue and defend marriage, love, romance and all that she’d grown up believing. Even if she knew it had all been a fantasy. Even if she’d been her parents’ last straw.
Maybe if little Ricky had woken up under Anna’s watch, their marriage would have survived. Maybe if she’d checked on him one more time, she’d have discovered he’d rolled over onto his belly. Instead, she’d fallen asleep halfway through studying for her history midterm. Technically, no one was to blame, but she blamed herself.
