by Rula Sinara
Jack’s blood sucked downward to his feet, then surged straight up through him with a riptide of adrenaline.
“Sue, wait. Look at me. It’s Jack. I—I came to have some coffee with you. Let’s have some coffee.” He took a slow step forward.
Anna’s mom looked up at him. Her eyes were distant and hollow and her face ashen. She wore pajamas and her hair hung in tangled strands. He’d never seen her unkempt, like his biological mother used to be after waking up with a hangover. Sue had looked happy and put together when he’d picked Anna and Pippa up from dinner. Anna had told him she couldn’t leave the States unless she made sure her mom was okay, and Sue had been, from what he’d heard. She’d shown Anna a job application she’d submitted. She hadn’t even cried when they left.
Jack stepped over laundry scattered near a basket by the door. Sue shook her head and he stopped. Uncapped prescription pill bottles were piled in front of her on the table. A big bottle of vanilla extract lay on its side. She sat in a chair, a full glass of something dark in one hand and a pile of pills in the other. She’d have them down before he could reach her.
“It doesn’t matter, Jack. What’s the point of life if you get nothing from it? Nothing but loneliness and pain?” She looked at the empty pill containers. “I didn’t really need these, but I’m glad I never threw them out. They’re mostly expired, but alcohol is supposed to make drugs stronger. Right? This is all I have.” She raised the glass of extract. “I’ve been so good about not drinking. My psychiatrist warned me not to. Especially because of the pills.” Her chin quivered as she stared at the glass. “It’ll work, won’t it? You should know. You’re a scientist, aren’t you?”
Jack’s brain was firing in all directions. She hadn’t thought this through. The extract. The album outside. The photos. How long had she been sitting in here?
“This probably won’t work, Sue. It’ll just make you throw up.” He wasn’t totally sure of that, but he was more worried about the number of prescription pills in her hand. “If this is what you want, let’s talk about better ways. Why don’t you come show me where your coffee is, and we can go sit and talk.”
“You’re not talking me out of this.” Sue’s fist closed around the pills. “How stupid do you think I am?”
“You’re not. But swallow those pills and I’ll have 911 here pumping you out in a flash. It won’t work.” The truth was, he had no idea what drugs she had and how fast they’d take effect. “Listen to me, Sue. You’re a beautiful, smart mother who Anna adores. And you have little Pippa now, too, and she’ll want to be able to wake up Christmas morning and find her grandma baking cookies for her. This won’t help you. It’ll hurt them. You don’t want that. I know you don’t. That’s why I’m here. Because we both care and need to be there for them.”
Sue’s chest started heaving and her hand shook. Sweat trickled down Jack’s sides. He’d said the wrong thing. Panic sent his pulse out of rhythm. What did he need to say? Pressure built in his ears. He’d been too late, helpless to save his parents.
“Christmas morning?” Tears streaked down Sue’s face. “You don’t care, Jack. You’re not my son. My little boy’s dead. I don’t have him in my life. I don’t have my daughter or granddaughter or husband. I don’t have anything. And you’ll end up hurting my Anna. I know you will.”
Oh, God. He’d said the wrong thing. He was losing her.
“No, Sue. Let’s talk about how to bring them back. You and me. We’re going to get Anna and Pippa back here. We’ll all be together.”
“I’ll just be a burden. I don’t want that. I can’t take this life anymore.”
She raised her hand and Jack lunged. His fist closed over hers. Her glass cracked against the table, then hit the carpet.
“Let go of the pills.” Jack caught his breath and calmed his tone. “Sue. Let go of the pills. Your son would want you to. He’s been counting on you to look after his big sister and niece. He needs you to be here for them, because that’s the kind of man he would have been, and that’s how you can honor him.”
Jack heard the pills clatter against the table, and the sound vibrated in his bones. Sue let out a heartbreaking sob and collapsed against him. Jack wrapped his arms around her and helped her stand. “It’s going to be okay. Come here.” He inched her toward the far side of the room, for his own peace of mind.
“I don’t know what to do,” she cried against his chest.
He held her frail body tight. “You don’t have to. I’m here. I’ll make sure you’ll be okay.”
* * *
JACK ROLLED HIS CHAIR back from his desk and looked around his lab. The pile of paperwork on his desk hadn’t moved, and he couldn’t get himself to focus on it. The lab was being maintained. Everything that needed to be autoclaved had been. The shelves were organized. The lab was perfect and pristine, down to the white walls. His tech stood at the sterile hood, pipetting samples onto an electrophoresis gel. More data would come of it. Data that, not long ago, Jack had immersed himself in and been thrilled by. A sterile buzz. And now none of it mattered. Feeling at home in his lab, feeling accomplished and fulfilled—all of it was gone. None of it mattered, except to serve as a source of income. He could work every day of his life, but it would all be for Pippa.
He thought about Anna’s mom, and how she’d been shaken, scared but resolved to make changes. When he’d accompanied her to the in-patient center, she’d listed him as an emergency contact. She didn’t want her ex to know, and she had made Jack swear not to tell Anna. She’d tell her when she was ready.
Change was inevitable. Things happened that no one could control. But one thing neither Anna nor he had had before was closure. Closure. Putting the past in its place and moving on. That’s what they both needed. Jack took off his lab coat, hung it by the door and left.
* * *
THE STACKS OF boxes he’d taken from Zoe’s garage lined the wall of his bedroom. Five boxes full of old research files later, he found it. It was tucked in a box with other memorabilia—his school diplomas, a few of his favorite childhood books, the ticket to the first ball game the Harpers had taken him to. The only thing he wanted was the silver bag with the jeweler’s name inscribed in gold swirls. He pulled it out.
He sat on the edge of his bed, lifted the velvet box out of the bag and opened it. The ring with the tiny diamond, which he’d bought Anna the day before her graduation, sparkled like new. He’d never returned it, because he’d been so sure she’d eventually come back from Africa. He might not have understood it at the time, but returning the ring would have meant giving up hope, losing something that held his feelings for her.
A slip of paper curled at the lip of the bag. He lifted it out. The receipt. He unfolded it. It wouldn’t solve all her problems, but as far as he was concerned, it was hers. She could do whatever she wanted with it.
No matter what had happened in the past five years, she had accepted him when he was lost and disillusioned and needed accepting. She’d protected the underdog as only Anna could, and Jack would never forget that.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ANNA SAVORED HER last sip of Kenyan roast before swallowing. Bittersweet. She hadn’t lost her touch, though, timing her last sip with the rise of blood-orange hues along the left side of Mount Kilimanjaro in the distance. Still the only moment in a given day at camp where she could get anything to happen on time, or go according to plan. The only moment she used to allow herself to imagine what it would be like to have Jack back in her life.
There was nothing left to imagine, though. The ritual that had grounded her every morning, affirming that she’d made good choices, now felt meaningless.
Jack was still the same Jack from years ago. Willing to do what was right. Wanting to do what was right, so long as it didn’t involve opening his heart up...especially to her.
And her mom was fine on her own, too. Perh
aps Anna had been the one suffering from paranoia and worry. At the dinner she and Pippa had shared with her, her mother had been so together—calm and happier than Anna had ever recalled. Instead of falling apart over them leaving, Sue had spoken of them visiting again.
Anna had been the one who’d fallen apart once she’d gotten Pippa settled in her airplane seat, trying to hold back so hard she’d started hyperventilating. The poor man in the aisle seat, who’d made some comment about her having a fear of flying, had handed her one of those paper sick bags to breathe into. Not her best moment. Had Busara been the only right thing, the only good decision, Anna had made in the past five years?
Kilimanjaro’s snowcap crystallized with light, and Anna let herself get drawn into its shimmering, hypnotic powers. No, she’d been right about Jack, and there was no doubt in her mind that he would try to get primary custody of Pippa now, just as she’d feared years ago. He’d have cornered her into choosing custody or marriage then, too.
Anna ran her hand along the rough wood of her observation platform. For all its fading and splinters, it was solid. For all the desiccation and death surrounding Busara, the land was teeming with life and beauty that ran deep, like the nurturing underground streams of snowmelt. Life here made sense. It was her past that didn’t.
Perhaps Anna had been wrong, trying to protect her mother from any more pain. Yet she hadn’t been wrong about loving Jack. But like with her father, expecting someone to open his heart and love you back, forgive you, when he wasn’t capable of it—when the pain of doing so was too great—was selfish of her. She didn’t have time for self-pity, however. Niara would have her neck.
Anna was home again.
She needed to ground herself.
Stay strong.
Love enough for everyone.
Ambosi threw a pit at her. Ah, yes. Love. Anna smirked at him and shook her head. She didn’t have the heart to scold him. He’d been ornery since her return yesterday, alternating between giving her the cold shoulder for abandoning him, and trying extra hard to get her attention.
Anna braced her hands on the platform’s edge and shoved off, another layer of dry dust coating her boots upon landing. Camp was calling.
One day at a time.
She loved life here. She loved the sounds, smells and formidable wildlife. She loved the pace and simplicity...because life was anything but simple.
Anna squatted and ran her fingertips along the ground, then rubbed them together and stood. The lack of any rain in the past few months had been a curse; but on the other hand, the roads were still passable. She and Pippa had made it back without a hitch, except for the extra night layover because of a missed flight, when Pippa had to use the potty.
The more reliable short rains of November were still weeks away. After rounds today, Anna could start writing. Miller was right about that. Research permits were strict and she’d have to complete her data studies and final paper within a year...and provide proof. Red tape was a killer. There’d be more of it involved in keeping Busara running indefinitely.
She trudged straight toward the mess tent. Now more than ever, she needed those reassuring morning kisses from Pippa. The possibility of future mornings without them made her throat tighten and twist. As much as she understood that Jack needed Pippa, too, she wouldn’t let him take her without a fight, just as she wouldn’t let Busara die without one.
They needed to secure funding about as much as they needed the rains to come. Since she’d sent him that email, Kam had started making contact with everyone he knew. They were working on it, but Anna was worried. She could barely secure funding for Busara, and she knew lawyers didn’t come cheap.
She rounded a cluster of buckets that were being filled from the well for the orphans. Low water pressure meant topping them up took longer. Anna helped, doing her share, but it was hard to keep up.
Kam came out of the clinic and waved the satellite phone at her. “I was just coming to find you. Your mother has been trying to call. It didn’t go through the first time, but she’s on now,” he said.
Her mom was calling? She never called, because of the time difference. They’d relied on emails, but maybe she just wanted to be sure Anna and Pippa had made it back all right.
Anna jogged over and took the phone, hoping the line was still connected. “Thanks, Kam. Mom?” No answer. She headed toward the one spot that always worked. The same one she’d directed Jack to when he was here. “Mom?”
“Anna? Hello?”
“I’m here, Mom. Can you hear me? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything’s fine, now. How’s my Pippa?”
“She’s great. Talks about you all the time. How are you, Mom? Really?”
Anna could hear her mom exhale. “I’m okay. But I needed you to know something.”
Anna’s chest sank. Her mom sounded different. More mellow than when they’d last spoken. She hadn’t even lasted a few days.
“What’s wrong?” Anna asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine now, but you were right about me handling things. You need to know what happened. You need to know what Jack did.”
* * *
ANNA STOOD SILENTLY, long after she’d hung up with her mother, remembering how Jack had run in circles with Pippa on his shoulders in this very spot. Making Haki laugh, too. Her throat clogged and her eyes stung in the dry air. He’d saved her mother’s life.
Anna lowered herself slowly and sat on her heels. How could she not have seen past her mother’s act? All these years knowing how fragile she was, being so careful because of it, and yet she’d let Sue convince her that everything was okay. That she was fine.
Anna folded her legs against the dirt and cradled her forehead, running every moment of their dinner together through her mind. Had she ignored any signs because she’d wanted to leave so badly? Had she needed to get away from Jack and be back home so desperately that she’d let herself be convinced that her mom was handling things well? Why hadn’t she trusted what her gut had told her all along?
The acidity of her coffee roiled in her stomach and goose bumps prickled her skin despite the heat. Anna covered her mouth with her hand and rocked back and forth. Jack had saved her mother from an overdose. Jack...who’d been too young to save his parents. Finding her mom on the edge must have terrified him to his core.
Anna took a gasp of air, then swiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hands, thankful that the tarp on the rear of the mess tent was still down. Mom’s okay. Get it together.
Sue had insisted that Anna not return, and said she was in good hands at the center Jack had accompanied her to. Her doctors had suggested she not have visitors for a while. She had weeks of therapy ahead of her, but said she would listen to the experts this time and get well, because she wanted to be there for her daughter and granddaughter.
Anna wondered if her mom’s recovery would be faster if Pippa were around. If Pippa stayed with Jack for her school year, she’d be closer to her grandmother and her cousins. It would kill Anna not to have her here, but maybe it was the right choice for her daughter and everyone she loved.
Anna rose, brushed her pants off. A shadow passed across the ground. She looked up at a transient cloud. Not enough. She took a hard look at her camp. Jack. Doing things out of duty or because they made sense didn’t necessarily mean your heart wasn’t in it.
* * *
“HABARI,” NIARA SAID, as she set bowls of ugali in front of Haki and Pippa.
“Good morning,” Anna replied. She walked around the table and gave a kiss to both Haki and Pippa, letting her lips linger a second longer against her daughter’s soft cheek, and breathing in her indefinable little-girl scent.
“So, Anna,” Niara said. “I need to talk to you about something that happened while you were away. Things were so busy yesterday afternoon when you arrived, a
nd you looked so tired. I thought it should wait.”
Anna straightened and her mind started to race. How much more trouble could she have caused? She’d left Niara alone, the only woman at camp. A friend whose past left her vulnerable. Anna’s pulse started thudding. “What happened?”
“Nothing bad. Sorry, Anna. I should have said that first.”
He chest relaxed.
“Uncle Kamau is going to be my father,” Haki announced with a grin. “He’s going to teach me how to play chess. He even got me a wooden chess-and-checkers set.”
“Haki!” Niara turned beet-red and cocked her head at Anna. “Please don’t be mad. That’s what I was about to say. I’ve been dying to tell you, but I wanted to see your face when I did...and you look like a fish in shock. Plus we haven’t had a moment alone since you got back.”
“Tell me everything,” Anna exclaimed.
“Kamau asked me to marry him three days ago. I said yes.”
“Niara!” Anna went to her friend and wrapped her arms around her. “Niara. That is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard, and I so needed to hear something good.”
“You mean that? You don’t think I’m being crazy?”
Anna held her at arm’s length. Her friend glowed.
“Do you love him?” Anna asked.
“Yes. I do.”
“Did he tell you that he loves you?”
“Yes, he did. He wrote me a poem, too.”
Kamau wrote her a poem? Who knew her serious, reserved colleague was such a romantic?
“Friends share everything, right?”
“Oh, no, no, no. He would kill me.” Niara laughed and slapped Anna playfully away.
“Come on. Tell me!” she teased.
The screen door clacked shut behind Kamau.
“Kam, you big lug. I can’t believe you didn’t say something yesterday,” Anna said, throwing her arms around him, knowing full well public displays embarrassed him. She’d spent several hours after their return helping him go through things in the clinic, and checking on her elephants. If the way they curled their trunks around her was a sign, they’d missed her as much as she’d missed them. The whole time he never let on.
