I mean it. Not Pop or CQ, first and foremost, but
also, I need to keep this under wraps until I can
figure out what to do at work.
Jun 02 11:35 PM
Fred, honey, don’t you know?
If you’re pregnant,
you can’t keep it a secret.
Jun 02 11:35 PM
Oh yes I fucking can, and I have to. My business has to
come first right now.
Jun 02 11:36 PM
That’s not what I meant.
How many weeks are you?
Jun 02 11:37 PM
Fuck if I know.
Jun 02 11:37 PM
You must have some idea.
When did you hook up with someone last?
Jun 02 11:38 PM
Wouldn’t you like to know, you perv.
Jun 02 11:38 PM
Fred, come on.
Jun 02 11:40 PM
Last night. Whatever.
But I think it was a different person.
I’ve been feeling sick for a couple of weeks.
Jun 02 11:43 PM
OK. Look. Here’s how this works.
If your body carries a successfully fertilized
egg past 2 wks your wearable
automatically sends a med status notification to the
Dept of Health, and to Security.
So you literally can’t keep it a secret. Someone
from DOH is going to contact you by the
end of this month, probably.
You’re lucky.
Women below a certain $
or outside the rehabbed zones
get contacted by Security and
the notification process
is a lot more like being arrested than being
invited to a book club.
Jun 02 11:47 PM
fuuuuuuuuck
Jun 02 11:48 PM
Here’s how it will go: DOH will message you with an
appointment time. You do not want to miss it. Even if
it conflicts with something else you have to do.
Got that? Do not skip, and do not reschedule.
I can’t even tell you the logistical nightmare
you’d be in for, plus you’ll be charged a ton of extra
Care Hours for administrative fees.
Jun 02 11:50 PM
Wait what?
I’m responsible for Care Hours already?
When does that start?
Jun 02 11:51 PM
It’s already started—they’re retroactive
to the date of conception, although you
won’t see the charge on your accounts until after your
first appointment with the DOH.
Jun 02 11:53 PM
Charge? What charge?
Jun 02 11:53PM
Care Hours are like a
high-interest debt.
Jun 02 11:53 PM
They’re not just actual hours you’re
supposed to spend doing fucking maternal things?
Jun 02 11:54 PM
Yes, they are actual hours.
But starting from the moment
of conception you have a quota of Care Hours to
fulfill doing prenatal care: There’s a list,
and I can help you with this, but it’s stuff like
exercise, nutrition, meditation, yoga, Kegels.
But also Care Circle meetings, which are mandatory.
And some other stuff you’ll like even less, I’m afraid.
But don’t worry about that now.
Jun 02 11:56 PM
Gard. I should say: I got the message from
DOH already.
Jun 02 11:57 PM
OK. So did you set up your appointment?
Jun 02 11:57 PM
No
Jun 02 11:57 PM
When did you hear from them?
Jun 02 11:59 PM
Fred? You there?
Jun 03 12:00 AM
Yeah. I just wanted to check my messages. I guess
they’ve been trying to set something up with me.
For a while. A few weeks.
Jun 03 12:02 AM
Really?
Fred. That’s not good.
Jun 03 12:03 AM
A month.
Jun 03 12:04 AM
OK.
Hang on.
No visit from Security?
Jun 03 12:04 AM
No. Why? I thought you said I’d hear from DOH,
not Security.
Jun 03 12:05 AM
Usually if a woman ignores DOH they’ll send
Security to pick her up and bring her in. You’re lucky.
How many messages have you gotten from them?
Jun 03 12:07 AM
Um. Five. I think.
Jun 03 12:08 AM
OK. Listen. I don’t want to freak you out but
DOH is going to charge you an administrative fee
for each reschedule,
which is what they call it when they contact you and
you don’t get back to them to confirm the appt. And they
will probably, not 100% but probably, ALSO charge you
for the DOH Completionist’s time since you didn’t
show up, and they might also charge you for
the testing materials, the room, and the support
staff’s time, for each appointment they’ll say you missed.
So for the love of Mike, Fred, you have GOT to
reply right away when they contact you next.
Jun 03 12:11 AM
Shit. Should I message back right now? How much is
all that going to cost me?
Jun 03 12:11 AM
Fred, I don’t even know.
But it’s not good.
I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to upset you.
Especially because, Fred, I know it doesn’t feel like it
right now, but you deserve to be EXCITED. You’re
a walking miracle, and I hope you know it.
Jun 03 12:14 AM
Gard. Don’t. Please. I feel shitty enough already.
Jun 03 12:14 AM
See this is what makes me so furious.
If we really valued motherhood,
if we really wanted to come up with a solution
to the fertility crisis
that included valuing women as human beings, we
wouldn’t SHAKE WOMEN DOWN for every penny
Jun 03 12:17 AM
Gard, I know this is your thing. But can you STFU
for a hot second and help me think of a solution.
Jun 03 12:17 AM
Sorry. I know.
I just hate it
It makes me so furious.
We treat poor mothers
like they’re entering a penal system
rather than a health care system!
Jun 03 12:17 AM
GARD, SHUT UP AND HELP ME
Jun 03 12:18 AM
OK. Sorry.
I know a person at DOH. I’ll reach out to her,
see if we can get some of your reschedules
recategorized, that will bring the cost down.
Here’s the other thing I need to tell you, though:
You should stop working, like as soon as you can.
Jun 03 12:21 AM
What? That’s not possible.
Gard, I OWN this business. I can’t just
stop showing up to work. Anyway, how the fuck
am I going to pay for all this shit if I don’t work?
Jun 03 12:22 AM
I know it doesn’t make sense. I know.
Believe me.
I know.
But you are going to be
retroactively charged for your working hours,
going back to the date of conception.
Jun 03 12:23 AM
What?????????
I’m going to be charged a fee for WORKING?
Just because I’m fucking PREGNANT?
Jun 03 12:23 AM
Fred, I’m sorry. But yes. This is how it works.
Jun 03 12:23 AM
How much?
Jun 03 12:24 AM
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking
you’ll eat the charges until you pay off the
reschedule fees. But don’t. I promise you
it’s not worth it.
Jun 03 12:25 AM
Fuck the reschedule fees, Gard. You think just
because you live paycheck to paycheck that I do
too? I have my own MONEY. What I’m talking about
is my COMPANY. I’m not ready to just walk out
on it tomorrow!
Jun 03 12:27 AM
OK. You don’t have to be challenging. I’m trying
to be helpful. Here’s what I can tell you. You’ll be
charged Care Hours on a prorated basis going back to
the date of conception.
Your day rate will be calculated
based on your current salary and on the type of work
you do—which, for you, fortunately, isn’t physically
strenuous, you should see what a housekeeper who
works throughout her pregnancy gets hit with.
But even though you’re not doing physically demanding
work, which by DOH calculations gets charged
at a higher rate since it’s theoretically less safe for
the developing fetus, you should expect your day
rate will still be high because your salary is so
high. So—and I’m just telling you this to prepare you,
and so you can make the decision that’s right for you
financially—you need to expect to pay a daily
surcharge equaling about 1/3 of what you’d earn
each day if your salary was calculated and paid out daily.
Pretax.
So figure out what that is and then decide if
you can afford to keep working long enough to
pay off the fines for rescheduling your first appointments.
Plus the fines for continuing to work.
Plus there’s the fines for all the Standard of Care infractions
you’ve no doubt quote-unquote committed by now.
You probably haven’t been eating an approved diet.
You probably haven’t been taking prenatals.
Jun 03 12:32 AM
Are you kidding?
Jun 03 12:32 AM
Take a deep breath.
You probably haven’t been reading or playing music to your uterus.
You’ve probably used public transportation.
You haven’t been doing Maternal Meditations.
You haven’t been to the weekly mandatory check-ins.
You haven’t been to your Care Group meetings.
And this is just the Care Hours
starter kit stuff, this is just the beginning.
You’re starting off at a disadvantage.
You’re in debt.
Jun 03 12:36 AM
You’re scaring me.
Jun 03 12:36 AM
Honey, right now I’m TRYING to scare you.
This is not a joke.
I’m saying you need to take this very, very seriously.
Jun 03 12:37 AM
I suppose I shouldn’t even ask this, but what if
I don’t intend to stop working at all? What happens?
Jun 03 12:37 AM
Once the baby is born, if you continue to work
you’ll be assessed extra Care Hours at a day rate
that goes up to 1/2 to 3/4 of your quota.
If you apply to get married, though,
and your application is approved—and for you it
almost certainly will be—then you and your partner
can share the total # of your Care Hours, although
typically it’s hard to get approval for him to
be assessed more than 1/4 of what the total
Care Hours quota comes to; you’ll
still be responsible for most of it yourself.
Jun 03 12:45 AM
Gard.
Jun 03 12:45 AM
I’m here.
Jun 03 12:46 AM
This is a fucking nightmare. How do people
even live through this? How do people do it?
Jun 03 12:46 AM
Honey. I know. Believe me.
This is why Insemina is such a joke. Even when
it works, which is only about 10% of the time,
the couple has to be super committed
plus financially comfortable to make it worth
the Care Hours—and that’s before you
even factor in the cost of the Insemina treatment
itself. The argument is that since there’s
nothing more important than protecting
unborn children, the system has been put in
place to protect them: This quota of guaranteed
Care Hours
with penalties for not meeting them,
starting with prenatal, it’s all supposed to be
in the service of protecting children. Who we need,
we need them so desperately. We know that. Fred,
just think about that.
But what people don’t realize, now that mothers
are such an unusual and highly regulated class,
is that all this protection comes at such a high cost
to the women. No one who hasn’t gone through it
herself even understands—even I can’t claim to
understand how you must feel right now.
Jun 03 12:56 AM
I think I need to think.
Jun 03 1:02 AM
Fred? Can I just ask you one thing? Who do
you think the guy is? Do you think you can
marry him?
Jun 03 1:03 AM
I can’t get into that right now.
Jun 03 1:03 AM
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry to ask. But your
situation is really special, Fred. And I don’t
want to see you go through your pregnancy
stressed out about money. Having someone
to share the Care Hours burden with, it could
be really huge for you. I know you
didn’t see your life playing out this way.
I know. But think about it, Fred. Please.
Jun 03 1:06 AM
Oh my God. Gard. I need a fucking minute, okay?
I have to sit and think. Let me get back to you. I
have a million questions but right now I think I
have to go throw up for like a thousand years
Jun 03 1:08 AM
OK. I’m here. I’m here when you need me.
JUNE 6
Jun 06 7:16 PM
Gard. You were supposed to be the one in trouble.
But I’m in trouble. I’m in big, big trouble.
Jun 06 7:17 PM
What happened?
Can we meet?
Jun 06 7:17 PM
No. I can’t. I can’t even say out loud half of what
I’m thinking right now.
Jun 06 7:18 PM
Fred, I want to help you. Ask me anything.
I mean it.
But could we please please please get together
in person? It’s so hard to
communicate over this thing.
After the other night
I had to wrap my arm in a cold pack for
an hour. I’ve still got a headache that starts
behind my eyes and it’s not going away.
We could meet at my place? Or at Pop’s?
If you don’t want to meet at your place?
Jun 06 7:20 PM
Gard, WTF? You’re the one who’s been refusing to meet
in person to talk! I’ve been trying and trying for
months
to talk to you
and you kept saying it’s not safe, it’s not safe, no no no
And now suddenly you want to see me
and have a big therapy session and hold hands???
Jun 06 7:23 PM
That was different. You wanted to talk about
my job. And I can’t discuss that with you.
Especially now.
But this—Fred, there’s stuff
you need to know
about your Completion.
If I can help you, if I can even
try, I want to.
Did you talk to DOH today?
Was your appointment date set?
Jun 06 7:27 PM
They pulled me in. Just like you said they would.
It was a fucking horror show.
I was at work.
Jun 06 7:27 PM
Oh my God. Fred.
What happened?
Jun 06 7:28 PM
Oh not much, just got pulled out of a meeting
by Security like a fucking criminal
in front of all my employees
no big deal
Jun 06 7:29 PM
Oh no.
Jun 06 7:29 PM
I was back in the office by this afternoon, is the funny thing
Well one fucking funny thing
The other fucking funny thing is the “client”
I was meeting with
at the time
Want to guess who it was
Jun 06 7:31 PM
??
Jun 06 7:31 PM
The guy. The father.
After our exchange the other night
I got back in touch with him
I felt like I should.
But I decided to have him meet me at work
bc I wanted to feel him out a bit
before I told him anything
and I had a crazy day stacked up but I thought, eh,
maybe I’ll just see if he wants to come in and see me
at the office and of course he did
bc he’s fucking crazy about me
even though I haven’t exactly been
that nice to him or encouraging
up until now
Jun 06 7:35 PM
Um that is actually kind of funny
Jun 06 7:35 PM
Right? I know. I’m an asshole. Poor guy.
So when Security shows up, while he’s there,
he starts making all this noise
about how they’re handling me,
which btw if I had any fucking illusions about whether DOH
was concerned about my personal fucking well-being
The Completionist Page 17
