* * *
January 9, 1978 Wednesday
I guess Sally was right. The Harrisons are bigwigs. Well, she didn’t actually say bigwigs; that was a word Grandma used to use. Gee, I miss grandma. Keep focused, Carol! Yes, they are bigwigs. Parade of who’s who came into the office today. Some I recognized. It was kind of exciting. Of course, I didn’t get to meet any of them. I’m just a lowly peon. Ha ha.
* * *
January 10, 1978 Thursday
Today my boss told me I was catching on quickly and he sees a promotion in my near future. I’m not sure if he was sincere or just felt sorry for me, because earlier he asked how long my husband has been overseas. When I told him, he said ‘that must be rough on you, such a young woman all alone,’ So, I’m not sure if he really is happy with my work or thinks I’m a charity case.
* * *
January 11, Friday
I met the chief of police today. I actually got an introduction, so I must no longer be a lowly peon! Mr. Harrison called me in his office, and after he introduced me, he told the chief I was a special young woman and that I had a bright future. I could feel myself blushing! The police chief told me I was lucky to have someone like Harrison Coulson take such a special interest in me because Mr. Coulson was a powerful and influential man. I didn’t dare tell them I really didn’t care about a future as a businesswoman—I’m kind of looking forward to babies with my Frank! Of course, I kept that to myself. Saving those paychecks for a house. Woohooo! I guess I make a lousy woman’s libber.
* * *
January 12 Saturday
Two letters from Frank today! One was long, the other short. Yes, cried after reading them. I need to stop doing that. Rained all day. Made popcorn and watched old movies. I miss Frank.
* * *
January 13 Sunday
Spent the day doing laundry. I lead an exciting life. I had so much fun doing the laundry, I cleaned the house. I guess I should be grateful this rental has a washer and dryer. Now to the grocery store to stock up. Later.
* * *
January 14 Monday
I wish I had listened to Frank and let him buy me a car. Even the old clunker we could afford would be better than taking the bus to work.
* * *
January 15 Tuesday
The police chief came in the office today to see Mr. Coulson. He stopped by my office and just looked at me for a moment before saying, “You are one lucky young lady.” I asked him what he meant, and he said Harrison Coulson thought I was very special. He winked at me and told me I was going places.
* * *
January 16 Wednesday
I can’t believe all the people Mr. Coulson knows! Makes me feel very insignificant.
* * *
January 17 Thursday
Something weird happened today. After Mr. Coulson left for lunch, Sally called me into her office. She told me to be careful, because though I may be Mr. Coulson’s current pet, he might fire me next week and I will have a hard time finding a new job. “Just like Anne,” she says. I ask, who is Anne? Then the phone rang. She never did explain what she was talking about. I wonder if she has a crush on her boss.
* * *
January 18 Friday
Mr. Coulson called me to his office late this afternoon. He asked me if I could come in on Saturday and help him with a special project. It means double overtime! Woohoo! Of course, I said yes.
* * *
January 19 Saturday
Help.
* * *
January 20 Sunday
I hate the army. I hate myself for leaving school and taking this fucking job. I hate Harrison Coulson.
I never thought I was stupid. A woman sees these things coming, doesn’t she? The man flirts and tries to grab your ass in the copy room. He doesn’t just take you when you are standing alone with him in his office. He doesn’t just push you across his desk, jerk up the back of your dress, and pull down your underwear without saying something.
I can’t believe how it happened so fast. I can’t believe I’m actually writing about it. But I have to or I’m going to fucking kill myself or him. I really should kill him.
I can still hear him telling me how I liked it and wanted it as he kept pushing into me. I know I should have gone to the hospital, but I wasn’t thinking straight. All I could think about was getting home and taking a shower.
I have bruises on my stomach where the desk kept hitting me while he pushed himself into me. It hurt. I hurt. I want to die.
* * *
January 21 Monday
I went to work today. I need the money and I know he will be gone for the week. I have to figure out what I’m going to do.
* * *
January 22 Tuesday
Sally asked me if something was wrong. I told her no. I wish she would stop looking at me that way. I wonder if she knows. What am I going to do?
* * *
January 23 Wednesday
I got a letter from Frank today. I couldn’t open it. How am I going to tell him? What if I’m pregnant? No, I can’t be pregnant, not by one time. I want to go to the police, but it is too late. I should have gone to the hospital after it happened. I’m stupid.
* * *
January 24 Thursday
He came back early. I about died when I saw him. He acted like nothing happened, and I had to play along in front of the whole office, like everything was peachy cool. Fuck him. I wish he was dead. When I got home, I called the office and left a message that I quit.
* * *
January 25 Friday
I thought it was over. I don’t know how he got into my apartment but he was standing in my bedroom when I got out of the shower. He kept telling me he was sorry, that I had to forgive him.
I began to think he was just crazy and thought I would be able to get him out of my apartment. But he didn’t leave. It was easier for him, because all I had on was my towel.
It took longer than before. It seemed as if he was there for hours. He kept telling me how I needed him.
When he left, I threw out my sheets and threw up.
* * *
January 26 Saturday
I called the locksmith this morning and changed all the locks. Yesterday, I went to the unemployment office and they told me I didn’t qualify for benefits. I found two hundred dollars in my bedroom. I know he left it. I wanted to throw it out, but I need the money.
* * *
January 27 Sunday
I have to move, but I don’t know how I can afford it. I woke up this morning and he was on top of me. I don’t know how he got into my apartment. He told me it was my fault because I’m so beautiful. He left money again. I should use it to buy a gun.
* * *
January 28 Monday
I’m fucked in so many ways. I went to the police station and told the police chief what happened. He just sat there, saying nothing. He then took me to a room and asked me to wait. Thirty minutes later, HE showed up. I thought they were going to arrest him. I was wrong. He admitted having sex with me but told the police chief he paid me. The police chief asked if Harrison gave me money, and I said yes, but that had nothing to do with anything. Then the chief asked if I gave it back. I said no. He told me I needed to stop harassing Harrison Coulson or he would arrest me for solicitation.
* * *
January 29 Tuesday
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how he gets in. I can’t afford to leave and how do I tell Frank, when he is in Germany, what is happening to me? I’m afraid I’m going to get pregnant. Do I get the pill so this SOB can continue raping me?
* * *
May 21 Wednesday
I put this ledger down in January and refused to write in it. If I don’t write in it, I don’t have to read it. I would rather forget the last few months.
After the last entry, I considered packing up my apartment and just leaving. But I don’t have enough money to move. Maybe if I had a car.
I need to stop
making excuses. It happened. It still happens. I guess in some ways, it got easier for me. Yet, what I was afraid would happen happened. I’m pregnant.
Harrison seems to think we are in some sort of affair. I told him about the baby. He told me he was delighted. When I told him I intended to have an abortion, he told me he would never allow that to happen. He is crazy. I’m stupid.
I used to love writing to Frank. I hate writing to him now, because I never know what to write. But I will be seeing him soon. I’m afraid.
* * *
May 26 Monday
I got a surprise visit from the police chief today. I was shocked. He told me that he knew I was Harrison’s mistress and that I was pregnant. He told me if I told my husband that Harrison is the father of the child, he will tell him about me whoring. About how he almost arrested me. What kind of people are these?
* * *
May 31 Saturday
I haven’t seen Harrison for over a week. I think he is finally tired of me. I wonder if it is because my husband is coming home next week. I’m just glad he is out of my life. When I tell Frank I was raped, he will take me away from this horrible place. I will love the baby. It is not his fault. But I would be very happy if I miscarried. Maybe I should have told him I was pregnant before now. Maybe that is why he is really staying away.
* * *
June 5, Friday
I’m so excited! Frank is coming home tomorrow morning. I hope he doesn’t notice my belly right away. I know when I tell him what happened; he will take care of me. He loves me. I can’t tell him that it was more than one time. He would never understand. I don’t understand.
* * *
June 7 Sunday
I couldn’t write yesterday. Too hard to write when you are crying. Frank left me. He hates me.
* * *
June 9 Monday
I don’t know where Frank went. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. He wants me to go to the police and report the rape. He doesn’t understand why I can’t. He asked me if I know the man. I couldn’t lie. I lost him.
* * *
November 6
My mother once told me if you look hard enough, good things come out of bad. I’m looking at one of those good things. I’ve named her Kimberly, but I think I will call her Kimmy. She is absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. She has Frank’s last name. I hope he doesn’t mind too much.
My Kimmy was born November 1, at 6:21 a.m. She weighed 7 pounds, 5 ounces, 21 inches long. I love her with all my heart.
Frank… I sometimes wonder if I ever really knew him. Never in a million years would I imagine he would abandon me. But maybe I’m being too hard on him. I sometimes wonder if I told him I had an affair—that it was over and I apologized—if he would have forgiven me and taken me back. Since he couldn’t believe my story, he thought I was both a liar and cheat.
I used to write regularly in my ledger. Yet, now I find it too painful. I’m glad I didn’t document all the feelings I had over the last nine months. Had I done that, and my Kimmy someday read the words, she might doubt how I could love her. But I do, sweet girl, I do.
A cab brought Kimmy and me home from the hospital. I swear I saw Frank sitting in a car, watching us, yet I must have been imagining things. He has moved on. I hope he is happy.
Harrison came to see me a week before Kimmy was born. I hadn’t seen him since I told him I was pregnant. He told me he was sorry for all that happened and that he wanted to take care of the baby and me, especially since Frank left me. He started to cry. I do believe the man is crazy. He then told me he bought me a house, for my daughter and me. I didn’t believe him at first, and when I realized he was serious, I wanted to tell him to go to hell. But I have a daughter to think about now.
I am sitting in the house. It is located in a brand new housing track. It is a Victorian. I have to admit, I love the house. I hope Kimmy will be happy here.
* * *
The remainder of the 1978 entries were mostly happy, doting posts, focusing primarily on Kimmy. Occasionally, Carol would mention the arrival of a check, suggesting Harrison was covering Carol’s living expenses. Entries for the first three months of 1979 were similar to the ones following Kim’s birth in the previous book.
The entries that began in March 1979 were brief, and while it appeared each was written on different days, Carol no longer assigned dates to the posts.
* * *
He is not finished with me. He showed up this afternoon. I foolishly let him in the house. Kimmy was sleeping. He took me in the kitchen.
* * *
I called the chief of police. I think he knows the truth. I begged him to ask Harrison to leave me alone. He told me I was lucky Harrison was willing to take care of me.
* * *
I got the pill today. I can’t get pregnant again.
* * *
I can’t live like this anymore.
* * *
He told me to stop fighting me or he would take Kim away from me. He said no judge would let a daughter stay with a whore when she could be raised a Coulson.
* * *
He told me he knew I still wanted him because I lost the baby weight so fast. He said I repulsed him when I was pregnant.
* * *
He brought me a present today. It was Victoria Secrets lingerie. When Kim napped, he made me put it on. I felt like a whore.
* * *
I think he gets off on the power. He has to know I don’t want him but making me do these things gives him power. I need to find a way to take back the power.
* * *
I was at the grocery store, and I saw a fat lady buying ice cream. I wondered why she buys stuff like that when she is so heavy. I started to go to the check out. Then I saw the fat lady again. I bought ice cream.
* * *
I cut my hair today. I used the kitchen scissors. Harrison was furious when he came over. He threw a hundred dollar bill at me and told me to fix it. When he left, I cut off some more. I look like a boy. HA HA!
* * *
I finished the ice cream today. I think next time I will buy cookies, too.
* * *
Harrison asked if I was pregnant again because I look fat. I said no, I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat.
* * *
I hid the trash before Harrison showed up. I didn’t want him to see the ice cream cartons.
* * *
Harrison asked me today—why am I getting fat if I’m not pregnant. I told him all women get fat in my family; it is hereditary. Then I actually started crying and told him I was trying to lose weight but found it impossible. I deserve an Academy Award. He looked at me all disgusted and left without having sex. I celebrated by ordering a pizza.
* * *
Harrison stopped sending the checks last month. He thinks he is punishing me. HA HA. I got a job at the county. It has benefits and everything.
* * *
I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m content. Kimmy is wonderful. I wish I didn’t have to work, but I found a wonderful daycare for her. I love my job. People leave me alone.
* * *
I’m worried about Kimmy. She is too pretty. Men hurt pretty girls. I will have to protect her.
Chapter 26
The sound of rain hitting the roof of Coulson House in a steady and constant downpour replaced the persistent claps of thunder. In the fireplace, the flames had worked themselves into a vigorous roar; they danced frantically in their stone confinement, adding eerie music to the otherwise hushed room.
The ledgers had been passed around, but Garret decided it would be best if Hannah and Sarah did not read the books. The girls wisely decided not to make an issue of Garret’s decree, each understanding that it was not the time to press the matter. Yet, it didn’t mean they weren’t curious.
It was quiet during the reading of the diaries and remained quiet for a number of minutes after the last reader had read the last page of the second book, save for the sound of rain
hitting the rooftop and the crackling noise from the fireplace. When the second book was closed, everyone sat quietly, saying nothing, absorbing what they had learned. The police chief was the first to speak.
“I imagine you folks would like a little privacy. I can see this is a family matter.” The chief fidgeted with the cowboy hat in his hands. He was still standing. “I’ll be bringing Carter and Angela into the office for another interview. For one thing, I’d like a little more information on where she found the gun.”
After Garret showed the chief out and returned to the room, Kim stood up from the couch and announced she would also be going. Harrison sat up in his chair a little straighter, and it looked as if he was about to say something when Garret spoke up first and suggested she remain so they could discuss the matter.
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