by John Goode
My raw rage crashed across the distance between me and the door. Between me and Jeremy. His jaw dropped open, and he took a slow step backward.
“Kyle!” Sammy interjected. “He’s sorry and wants to….”
“Sorry?” I roared striding around the table toward them. To Jeremy, I snarled, “You’re sorry? Oh well, then that makes it better, doesn’t it?” Sammy looked like she was thinking of stepping between us for a second, but when she saw how pissed I was, she backed away. “It doesn’t matter what you did as long as you say ‘sorry’ at the end. Is that how it works?”
Jeremy’s mouth opened a few times, and he looked like a fish trying to breathe on land. “I-I just wanted….”
“I don’t care what you wanted, you dick!” I could hear people moving behind me, but I ignored them. “You didn’t care what he wanted, right? So why should anyone give a flying fuck what you want?”
His face went white as he realized what I was talking about.
“Kyle,” Mrs. Axeworthy asked quietly from somewhere just behind me. “Kyle, what’s going on?”
“Jeremy was leaving,” I said, not breaking eye contact with him.
“I thought anyone could be here,” Sammy argued. “Wasn’t that what you were just saying?”
I looked over at her in complete shock. “Really? You want him to stay?” Before she could answer, I looked back to Jeremy. “Sure he can stay. He can stay as long as he wants. As soon as he tells everyone what he did.” I heard both Jennifer and Sammy gasp. “So go for it, Jeremy. Share with the rest of the class, and you can have a seat anywhere you want.”
“Please don’t do this,” he pleaded.
“Leave, or I will tell them what you did.” My voice sounded severe even to me.
I tried not to imagine a dog that had been kicked as he turned around and walked out the door. I forced myself not to care about his feelings as he marched out of the room looking like he had a gun to his head. As soon as the door closed, I glared at Sammy. “Why in the world would you bring him here?”
Now it was her turn to sound outraged. “I tried asking you. I’ve been trying for weeks now, but you’ve been so busy being an asshole because you broke up with your boyfriend, you haven’t had time. He’s hurting, Kyle. He’s talking about killing himself, he’s so torn up about all this. He needs a place like this. He needs friends.”
“Then maybe he shouldn’t go around bullying people into killing themselves,” I shot back.
No one breathed. I teetered on the edge of a razor blade, seeing myself from the outside. Every muscle in my body knotted in order to keep me in one place.
“Okay.” Mrs. Axeworthy spoke into the silence. “I think we’re done for this week. I want to thank everyone for coming. Obviously this is a work in progress and we….”
“So he doesn’t deserve help? Because of what he did, he is forced to wander through life without friends, period?” Sammy asked me, both of us ignoring the adult in the room. “Because he was a dick once he never gets forgiven?”
“Something like that,” I spat back.
“You sound exactly like Robbie,” Jennifer said behind me. I felt a chill go up my spine as I turned around to confront her. “So Jeremy isn’t gay enough to help?” she asked me. “He doesn’t pass your test, so you just hope he kills himself? Really? I thought you were different.”
I wanted to tell her that was not what I had been saying, except that was exactly what I had been saying.
And I didn’t care.
“We’re done,” Mrs. Axeworthy said in her best authoritative voice. “Everyone except Kyle, please leave. We will meet again same time next week. Thank you for coming.” She made it clear the topic was closed, and they were all leaving.
One by one they got up and began filing out of the room. The library crew wouldn’t even meet my eyes, and I heard the new guys I didn’t know say to each other, “I had no idea it was going to be that exciting. We are so coming back next week.”
At least someone enjoyed themselves.
Sammy looked at me like I was a monster. “I know you’re upset because of Brad,” she started, voice shaking, “but what you just did, the Kyle I know would have never done. Because if he could have, I never would have become friends with him.”
I looked over at Jennifer. Face unreadable, she shrugged and said, “We’ll talk later.”
Silently, both Jennifer and Sammy left the library without a look back.
Which left me and Mrs. Axeworthy alone.
She went and sat down at the desk, a look of extreme disappointment on her face. “When you came to me about this, Kyle, I really thought you wanted to make a difference here. I honestly believed that your intentions were good.” I began to protest, but she kept talking, “However, if you formed this alliance just so you could be in charge and dictate who is and who isn’t worthy of membership, then you are sadly mistaken.” She picked up some papers off the desk and began to look them over. “We’ll try this again next week,” she said, not looking at me. “If the Kyle I just saw intends on showing up again”—she looked up at me—“don’t bother coming.”
I moved to start putting the chairs away, and she said, “I’ll get someone to do that,” dismissing me completely.
I grabbed my backpack and stormed out of the room. I’d always thought that “a haze of red” was just an expression. It’s not. It’s real. And it had dropped over the entire world. I started to head to my next class, because following routine had always been a good thing for me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I said, “Fuck it” and walked off campus. I charged home, muttering to myself like a crazy person the entire time. I felt equal parts betrayed and confused. How could Sammy do that? She knew what Jeremy did to Kelly. She knows what he was responsible for. Did she really just expect me to forgive and forget?
I opened the door to the apartment and froze when I saw Tyler and his boyfriend sitting on the couch.
My mom turned around in the chair and looked at me, confused. “What are you doing home?”
I closed the door and made straight for my room.
“Kyle!” my mom called after me. “You aren’t even going to say hello?”
I was almost to my room when I heard the boyfriend mutter, “Told you this was a bad idea.”
Dropping my backpack, I turned around and looked at him. “What was a bad idea?” I asked furiously. “Coming here or threatening to hit a teenager in the face?”
The looks of confusion on both my mom’s and Tyler’s faces told me the boyfriend hadn’t shared our conversation. Tyler looked at me, and then asked his boyfriend. “Did you say you were going to hit him?”
“Actually he said he wondered if popping me in the mouth was worth a couple of nights in jail, to be accurate.” I wished I had remembered this guy’s name, because it was pretty obvious he wanted to beat the shit out of me at some point.
“You said that to my son?” my mom asked him point-blank. I tried not to smile as I saw him squirm.
“When someone barges in with only one thing on his mind, and that would be making Tyler feel like shit for something that happened years ago, I don’t care much how old they are. An attack is an attack, and if the kid can’t learn to watch his mouth now, then I assure you someone is going to come along and teach him that lesson.”
“Matt,” Tyler said, obviously trying to control his voice, “you can’t go around threatening to hit kids. You know that.”
Matt stared coldly at me. “Tell me you had a reason other than making him feel like shit when you walked in there.”
If he thought I was going to wilt away at the question, he was dead wrong. “He watched a man die,” I spat back. “He should feel like shit.”
Matt surged to his feet; he had obviously had enough. Tyler stood also and stopped him from coming at me. My mom just looked at me with a confused look on her face. “Why in the world would you talk to Tyler like that?”
“You don’t know what he did,” I responded, trying my be
st not to whine. “You don’t know—”
“I know exactly what happened,” she said quietly, cutting me off. “And I am willing to bet you don’t.” My mouth fell open as I wondered how she could forgive him for such a thing. “I honestly thought you were a better person than this, Kyle.”
“Better than what?” I could not believe I was suddenly the bad guy.
“Better than to torture someone with something they did in the past. Wasn’t that the whole lesson you were trying to teach with Kelly?”
My words sputtered out in amazement. “You’re chastising me?” I pointed at Tyler. “After what he did, you are going to look at me and say I did wrong?”
The look of disappointment on her face was devastating. “Just go to your room.” When I didn’t instantly move, she snapped, “Go to your fucking room. I don’t think I can look at you right now.”
I wanted to fight some more, but it was obvious Tyler, Matt, and my mom were against me. All I was doing was making things worse for myself. Without saying a word, I bolted into my room and slammed the door. I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it until there was so little oxygen to breathe that my world grew fuzzy. When had everyone turned against me? Exactly when did life stop making sense?
No answers seemed to be forthcoming, so I just passed out.
You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Which means looking back, it’s easy to see what you missed the first time around. There I was with a gun at my head, and suddenly I could see it perfectly clearly. I was a complete asshole. I mean, it was easy to say with some time and the threat of my life ending and all, but I just couldn’t see it when it was actually happening. I really thought I was right and everyone else was wrong.
Which, by the way, should be a warning sign for everyone out there. If everyone you know is telling you the same thing, you are either wrong or everyone else has been taken over by aliens, which means you’re screwed anyways. There are no aliens in this story, so that means I was dead wrong.
Sorry, the dead part was unintentional.
It should come as no surprise to anyone to find out that the next day at school, instead of calmly talking to Sammy and telling her what I felt she had done wrong, I came at her that morning like a raging bitch.
“What the hell were you thinking?” I asked her as she sat on the music room steps.
She looked up at me with utter shock and disdain on her face and just glared at me for a few seconds. “Really? You still don’t see how much of a dick you’re being?”
“You brought Jeremy! Why are you even talking to him?”
She stood up, her anger growing. “Oh, are you going to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with now? His dad called me and told me Jeremy was miserable trying to find a way to make up for what he did. He is losing his mind over Kelly.”
“Good!” I shouted back at her. “He should spend the rest of his life stark raving mad for what he did. He can never make it right!”
“So he shouldn’t try?” Jennifer asked from behind me.
I hadn’t heard her approach and was startled to find myself suddenly surrounded. “Let him try somewhere else.”
“Where?” Sammy asked. “The alliance is a fucking gay-straight club, Kyle. It’s the very place he should be talking about it, and you know it.”
I did not know it. In fact, I thought the exact opposite at the time. “He isn’t walking into that club as long as I am there.” It was an ultimatum, and both of them knew it.
Sammy grabbed her purse. “I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Brad being around. He was much better at dealing with your insanity.”
“I’m serious,” I called after her as she walked away. “Tell him to stay away.”
She turned around and shouted back, “I don’t think you have to worry about anyone showing up, you asshole.” To accent her words, she flipped me off.
I glanced over at Jennifer with a look that asked her if she believed her attitude.
There was an attitude she could not believe, but I don’t think it was Sammy’s. “Kyle, I know you’re upset about Brad—”
“This isn’t about fucking Brad,” I snapped, cutting her off.
She paused for a moment, either thinking of her next words or trying to calm down. “You’re out of control. I think you need to talk to him.”
“I don’t need anything.” The tardy bell rang, interrupting the argument. “I didn’t before I met all of you, and I don’t now.”
It was quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever said out loud.
She gave me a look of pure pity and shook her head. Without a word she turned around and walked away from me.
Everyone had walked away from me. Fine. I was alone before Brad fucked up my life. I could be alone again. I didn’t need anyone.
Right?
Right?
Yeah, I didn’t have any answers either.
The rest of that school week was the longest four days of my life. Each class seemed to drag out for hours of torture. I spent lunches alone in the library, avoiding any chance I might run into anyone I used to know, the whole time thinking they had abandoned me. As we headed into the weekend, I heard Josh Walker telling a couple of people that Brad wasn’t at school because he was taking a tour of A&M over the weekend.
Josh’s words stripped away the illusion that somehow things would end up for the better. I don’t know how, but I guess that in the back of my mind, no matter what, I’d believed that things were going to fix themselves. The reality was completely different. In a moment of pure horror, when I realized just how bad things were, Brad was out looking at his dream college and everything I had been dreading was coming true. This year was going to end, and I was never going to see Sammy or Jennifer or Brad—Brad, I murmured, too stricken to care how I sounded—again. This life, the whole existence I had cobbled together for the past eighteen years, was going to end, and I was expected to make a new one thousands of miles away—alone.
It was the most morose weekend of my life.
I couldn’t get away from my sadness. Everything I saw reminded me of what I was going to lose and never get back. My mom barely spoke to me. She was still pissed about the way I had talked to Tyler, so I more or less expected that. I didn’t leave my room except to eat and use the bathroom, and the next forty-eight hours were spent staring up at my ceiling, wondering when it all went so wrong.
Sunday night my mom said I had a call, and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest like something from Aliens. Leaping out of bed, I ran to the phone, knowing in my heart it was Brad. I needed to hear his voice. It felt like my soul was riding on saying I was sorry to him and making all this right.
“I knew you’d call,” I said, picking the phone up off the kitchen table.
Mrs. Axeworthy’s voice came from the other side. “Yes? Well then, you must know what I am going to ask.”
My mouth went dry as I realized it wasn’t Brad and things were not going to be fixed.
“I need you to tell me we aren’t going to see a repeat of last week tomorrow.” Her voice was stern and lacked all the empathy she’d had when we talked before. Looking back, I can’t blame her. She’d taken a huge gamble when she volunteered to mentor the club, and I had lost my shit. But that is looking back and literally down the barrel of a gun.
At the time I could understand none of that. “I am sure things will be different,” I assured her, since I knew Sammy wasn’t going to show her face, which meant no chance of Jeremy showing up either.
“I hope not. Because, Kyle, this is important, more important than me and you. It has the ability to change people’s lives, and we can’t risk that for personal problems.”
My mouth opened to argue that this wasn’t a personal problem, and that Jeremy was responsible for someone killing himself, but I refrained, knowing it would go nowhere. I just repeated that everything would be fine and hung up, knowing that “fine” was so far away it was pathetic. I looked at the phone and wonder
ed if I should call Brad myself. Just give in and call him and make up and just stop all of this nonsense.
And then I saw the admission packet from Berkeley on the kitchen table and knew there was a reason I was doing this.
Not a good reason, but a reason nonetheless.
Which brings us to Monday. Today. Right now.
We opened the door. The two freshmen and a girl I had never seen before came in. I waited to see if anyone else would show up, closed the door, and began the meeting. I was halfway through my whole speech about everyone being welcome and that this was a safe room when the door burst open and Jeremy came barging in.
Immediately, I went into attack mode. I stood up in a rage and came around the table at him. I honestly think I was ready to hit him. It would have been the first time I had ever hit someone physically unprovoked before.
Jeremy pulled a nasty-looking handgun out of his jacket, pointed it at me, cocked the trigger, and then fired at me. Call the police! There’s a madman around.
APRIL 29: SPECTACULAR, SPECTACULAR
And in the end should someone die?
—Moulin Rouge!
46 days left
JEREMY
GROWING UP, everyone had a PlayStation.
It was the game system of the moment, and everyone I knew owned one. I had just started first grade, and it was all anyone could talk about. They talked about what games they owned, what score they got, and what level they had unlocked. Like any normal kid, I was instantly jealous of this toy and wanted one for myself. I begged and begged my father that I needed one and that I would die if I didn’t get one.
My dad is one of those guys who doesn’t take hyperbole well at all.
His father, my grandfather, was a bastard of a man who believed that kids were a cheap form of labor and that their preferences didn’t count for much. So my dad and his four brothers grew up working the land outside of Foster and hated it. I don’t know how much you know about farming today, but let me sum it up for you in a way you can understand.
