by John Goode
“You know me?” Kyle asked, the shock obvious in his voice.
I tried to play it off cool, but the fact that I didn’t even register enough for him to remember me made something inside of me ache. “I’ve had a crush on you since the seventh grade. Pity you never noticed.” I could see the blood drain out of Kyle’s face as I went on. “Just because douche bag here is experimenting with his sexuality, it doesn’t mean he’s an outcast.” I glared at Brad. “It just means karma works and that bad things do happen to bad people sometimes.”
A weird look began to come over Kyle’s face, and I wondered briefly if I had bit off more than I could chew. I could recognize the cold fury in his eyes; I had seen it in the mirror every day of my life looking back at me. Was it possible that Kyle was making a list as well?
Brad saw it too, ’cause he looked at Kyle and said, “It’s cool. I’ll see you after school.” He had to walk past us to get out of the room, and from the look of outright disgust on our faces, it was obvious he wasn’t our favorite person.
He did stop and say to me, “For what’s it worth, I’m sorry.”
I like that he added for what it was worth, because it was worth shit, and we both knew it.
I looked back to Kyle and was ready to lay into him when he exploded at me. “What the fuck was that?”
I must have looked shocked, because I just stared at him for a second in silence. Finally my brain engaged. “You can’t tell me you are attracted to that asshole?” Of course, I knew he was attracted to that guy. I mean, who wasn’t? Brad Greymark had the face, the body, and the car that made everyone want to just kneel down and kiss his feet. I mean, I wouldn’t, but I could see how looking like a model and having a six-pack could do that to people.
Kyle just ignored my question and came screaming at me full force. “I get that he and his friends were dicks to you, and that sucks. But you know what it’s like to walk around this town and have people hate you for no other reason than you’re different, right?” I nodded. “Then why the hell would you treat anyone else like that?”
I felt my stomach lurch as he went on.
“You may not like him, but he stood right next to me when no one else would. He came out to the entire school for no other reason than he liked me. He didn’t have to do that. It would have been so much easier to deny everything and stay who he had been, but he didn’t. So whatever problems you may have had with him, he is ten times the man of anyone else I have ever met. So back the fuck off.”
I wish I could say I didn’t find him ten times hotter than I did an hour ago, but I can’t. The fire in his eyes, the anger in his voice—I was now more convinced than ever we were more alike than different. So it was in a moment of weakness, I asked him. “Would you have even gone out with me?”
He sighed, and I knew the answer instantly. People like him never went out with people like me. Life wasn’t a fairy tale. It was a horror movie, and no one but the one pretty chick got out alive. The rest of us were just there to add to the body count.
He surprised me by asking a question. “You said you’ve known me since fourth grade?” I nodded. “And in those eight years, did you ever talk to me? Just walk up and let me know how you felt?” I opened my mouth but then shook my head. “He did.” He pointed to where Brad had walked out. “He came after me and told me that he liked me. You don’t get to say that I wouldn’t go out with you. You never even asked.”
It felt like he had gut-punched me. Hard. My mouth was dry, and I felt my eyes starting to sting as I tried to get a grip on my emotions.
Luckily Sammy jumped in and saved me. “Jeremy, we have to get those chairs set up, and we’re losing time.”
At the moment I could give a shit. “The school board can bite me.”
Kyle popped up. “School board?”
She nodded at him. “They are having some emergency meeting tonight, and we have to get the auditorium set up for it.”
I wanted to tell her to shut up, but before I could, Kyle just mumbled something and ran out the door.
“I hope they make your fucking boyfriend burn,” I said as he ran out the door.
I stood there in silence for a couple of minutes, realizing no matter how much I hated everything, there was always more I could hate it.
“Jeremy,” Sammy said carefully.
“Get the damn chairs,” I said, shrugging her off and pushing past them.
My list continued to grow.
Of course, the school board didn’t do anything to their golden child. In fact, I’m not sure they even bothered to have a meeting. Suddenly gay was okay, as long as you looked like an extra on Teen Wolf. Everyone was talking about how Brad had stood up for everyone, and it made me sick. Once again the masses just followed along behind a pretty face like lemmings just dying to go leap off a cliff. I found that I could find even more hate in my soul for Foster and its denizens.
Leave it to Sammy to not see the truth around her.
“It’s a good thing,” she tried to tell me during lunch. “If people can accept the two of them, then maybe they can accept everyone.”
I said nothing as the bile in my heart began to simmer. There was nothing wrong with Sammy, nothing she didn’t do to herself. She insisted on dying her hair a ridiculous color of blue and dressing like she had just come from a funeral, but all those things were just superficial. She was as normal as everyone else in this fucking town, and just because she felt like rebelling, it didn’t mean she understood one second of my life and my pain.
“You want to be accepted?” I snapped, tossing the rest of my lunch into the trash. “Wash your face off and dye your hair back, and like magic you’ll be accepted. I’m gay, and there is nothing I can do about that. I will always be hated and always will be an outsider.”
I guess I had expected her to just sit there and take it like she always had, but this time she jumped out of her seat and screamed back. “People hate you ’cause you’re a dick, Jeremy! And you’re an outsider because you hate everyone else. Brad and Kyle are just as gay, and trust me, they are going to change things in ways you could never do because it is always about you.”
My hand clenched into a fist, and before I could stop myself, I took a step toward her to teach her to keep her mouth shut. The look of terror in her eyes stopped me cold as I realized it must be what I looked like when my dad came at me.
“Fuck you” was all I could spit out, and I rushed past her and out of the auditorium. This was why I hated people, because they always made me do things I didn’t want to do. She couldn’t just keep her mouth shut, could she? Screams of insatiable hatred bubbled just below the surface, but I held them in because I knew. I knew the day was coming when I would get even against all these people. I needed to bide my time and just keep it together.
And then make them all pay.
The next month all people could do was talk about the perfect couple and the water they walked on. I wasn’t shocked to see Sammy start to hang out with them. I suppose when one is a fag hag, you take the jobs that are available. When a new popular fag comes along, you need to go where the hagging is needed. She wasn’t the only one who began to change sides.
Everywhere I saw people begin to suddenly care about homosexuality who literally have spit on me as they walked by. I muttered to myself as I walked through school. Now that a couple of perfect people had caught the gay, it was suddenly a thing to be okay with it. My loathing threatened to spill over as each day passed. More and more people made their way to my list as I waited. As we went into winter break, I was at the end of my rope. The only thing that gave me solace was slaving on my computer, making mashups. I don’t know why, but throwing myself into the music were the only times I could escape my anger for even a second.
It was the week before school got out that Sammy came crawling back into my life.
My dad opened my door and screamed down, “That freaky raccoon girl is here for you.”
It took almost everything in me not to
scream back, “Tell her to go fucking die.” Instead I closed down my computer and walked up my steps to the front door. She stood there looking like there were a million places she would rather be. I reveled in the fact she understood maybe a millionth of how I felt about being in Foster.
“What?” I said, standing in the doorframe, making it clear I did not want her to come any closer.
“Look, I get we’re in a fight, and we both said horrible things, but I need to talk to you.”
I stared at her like she was a lizard or something. “One, I didn’t say horrible things, you did, and two, we aren’t in a fight. We aren’t an anything.”
If this was a Stephen King book, her eyes would have glowed as her hair was blown back with a wind machine. The music would have gotten all dramatic as I burst into flames. She literally closed her eyes and took a mental deep breath before talking again. “Can you just think past your monumental ego for like three seconds and at least pretend to be a human?”
My right hand really, really wanted to slam the door shut in her face something fierce. “What?” I asked again.
“So Kelly is throwing his party this weekend.”
I waited for her to continue. “Yeah, Douche-a-palooza is this time every year. What’s your point?”
She looked down and took a deep breath. “Kyle thinks we all should go.”
“And I assume when you say we you’re actually speaking French?” I replied.
Her look was scathing. “He thinks everyone who never gets invited to the party should crash it by showing up.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Crashing a party is showing up, and Kyle is an idiot.” Before she could retort, I kept going. “He’s not worried about his ass getting kicked since he is dating his own personal jock, so it sounds like a setup to me.”
“You do know that Brad got his ass kicked in the locker room by those very same jocks?”
I didn’t even hesitate. “Good. He deserved more.”
The anger in her eyes was like burning coals deep inside of blacksmith’s forge. “You know, I told him this was a waste of time. I tried to explain to him that you were a complete and total asshole who cared nothing about anyone save yourself, but he still begged me to come ask you. So I have, and I was right.” The silence that followed said clearly that she hoped I died in a fire.
As she turned to walk away from me, I stopped her. “Wait, Kyle begged you to ask me?”
Her sigh was withering. “Yes, even after I told him you were a complete—”
“I’ll get everyone else from the drama club organized. Just let me know when he wanted us there.”
It reminded me a lot of those cartoons where the bird just stopped, and the coyote just went flying past him. That was the look on her face. “You’re going?” I nodded. “Why?” she asked, completely shocked, but then I saw the suspicion in her eyes as she began to doubt my intent.
“Kyle wants a show of solidarity. He’ll get one. Isn’t that enough?” I asked casually.
“For anyone human? Yes.”
“You have my answer. Let me know when and where.” And I slammed the door in her face. It saved me from any more of her ridiculous chatter and prevented her from seeing the grin spread across my face slowly. This was as close to perfect as life got in Foster.
Kyle begged her to invite me. Begged. This was it—everything I had dreamt of was coming to fruition, and all I had to do was wait for it to happen. Obviously he had grown tired of his muscle-bound boy toy and was looking for someone who could at least give him intellectual stimulation. And it gave me a perfect chance to out Kelly in front of everyone, a twofer that no one could have predicted.
What could possibly go wrong?
BRAD
AS SOON as I realized Kyle was out there alone, I jumped up and made a mad dash toward the door. Mr. Powers saw me out of the corner of his eye and threw himself between me and the only exit out of the room. “Brad, sit down.” He was whispering, but it was obvious it was what a yell would sound like if you had to whisper.
“Move,” I said, ignoring him completely. I reached to push him out of the way, but he slapped my hand away. I had to give him mad props for thinking he could stop me, but we both knew I was like three times stronger than him, and he was going to be moved.
“Mr. Greymark, sit down,” he hissed, bringing both hands up to force me away from the door.
I said nothing as I began to move him out of my way.
“You’re putting us in danger,” he added, the first sounds of desperation entering his voice. He stopped talking as if he felt himself begin to weaken.
“Greymark, sit down!” someone whispered at me from across the room.
I saw Mr. Powers’s left leg start to shake.
Digging in, I pushed him to the ground with a shove. My hand reached out to grab the doorknob as something stung me in the middle of my back. Before I could even react, I felt my entire body explode into pain, and I fell to the ground instantly. I lay there in a fetal position, shaking, as Jennifer moved a step closer to me, still brandishing her Taser.
Tears were falling from her eyes as she looked down at me. “I-I’m sorry, Brad. I can’t let you endanger everyone else.”
I wanted to scream at her that I needed to get to Kyle, but all I could manage was some pathetic-sounding noises as I drooled onto the floor. My eyes closed as I tried to will myself to get up and get to Kyle.
JEREMY
SO THE night of the party, I found myself standing outside of Kelly’s house wondering if this had all been one huge joke Kyle was playing on us.
Sammy had said we were early, but I wanted to make sure Kyle and I walked in at the same time so everyone could see us together. I know it sounds petty, but Foster had been just as petty to me, so some payback seemed justified. The rest of the drama people kept looking around nervously, like we were breaking into a bank or something. They were so pathetic it made me laugh.
“Something funny?” Sammy asked me as I shook my head.
She was wearing this ridiculous dress that looked like it was the dress someone got kicked off of Project Runway for. It was black with these slashes through it that had blue under it, obviously stolen from the set of Wolverine vs. the Prom Queen. How she wore such idiocy out in public was beyond me. “All of this is funny,” I said to her, looking around. “We’re sitting across the street from jock central, and the guy who wanted us to come isn’t even here. I’m sure the YouTube video of us getting our asses kicked will be all over the net by Monday.”
She had an odd look on her face. “I’m not sure what you think is the punishment in that scenario, the ass kicking or the fact it’s on YouTube.”
Before I could answer, someone said they saw a car coming.
I wasn’t sure if I understood what she had been talking about. Getting your ass kicked was a finite experience. Your dad goes out on a Friday, gets so drunk he can barely walk, comes home to find that the magical house cleaning fairies have not miraculously picked up his mess during his absence, so he wales on you until you beg him to stop or he runs out of breath. Either way, once he is done, it’s done; once on YouTube, it is forever.
For example, ever see the video of the big girl dancing on the table, and she slips back and falls on her face? One moment of pain; a lifetime of infamy. What about the girl in the horse mask who nearly knocks herself out by hitting the corner of the TV? Ten minutes of being dizzy; years and years of laughter. I had honestly been shocked that images of me being tossed into the trash can hadn’t ended up online. I suppose that was just poor planning on their part.
“It’s them,” Sammy called out as she began walking toward the now parked car.
I knew instantly that Kyle Stilleno had fucked me over again.
He was there smiling next to Brad, ignoring me completely as the rest of the nerds crowded around him. No one said a word to me as we all began to walk toward Kelly’s house. I wish I could say I was actually surprised, but I wasn’t. This was just the w
ay fate rolled, making sure every single time I had the smallest glimmer of hope, someone came and bitch-slapped it right out of my hands.
Kelly’s house was everything mine wasn’t: clean, expensive, and decorated with a ton of money. The glares we got from the jocks, who had shown up early, just solidified my belief that this was just an initiation stunt Kyle had to pull to get into the cool-kid club. Get a bunch of losers to show up to a party thinking they were going to be welcome, and then do something horrible like spray them with Coke or throw paint at them. I nudged Sammy and whispered to her, “This doesn’t look good at all.”
From the expression on her face, she wanted to argue with me that everything was going to be all right, but as she saw the guys in the kitchen staring at all of us intently, she knew I was right.
“We should leave before it gets ugly,” I suggested.
She took a half step away from me. “Then leave. Kyle thinks this can work, so I’m staying.”
The way she said his name, the admiration and gushing pride… it just made me sick. What did that loser do to get that kind of respect? I’ve been struggling in this town for years, and I get bottles thrown at me. He decides we should go to a party, and he’s fucking Martin Luther King Jr.? Instead I stood in the corner with the rest of the drama geeks, which was as physically far away from the jocks you could be and still say you were inside Kelly’s house. The other idiots just whispered nervously to themselves, but I ignored them and watched the drama unfolding in front of my eyes.
Kelly was pissed, about what I wasn’t sure, but he was not happy to see Brad and Kyle show up. Normally I would have assumed he was mad we were there, but he honestly didn’t even look past the two of them to see us. Instead he stormed off to the kitchen and huddled there with his other friends, looking like a tribe of short-haired Neanderthals who had stumbled upon an alien species. Kelly drank almost half a beer as he glared over at Brad, Kyle, and Jennifer on the couch. I still couldn’t figure out the genesis of his anger until I saw Kyle give Brad a small peck on the cheek.
