by Lolah Lace
Before I met Nicki I thought a lot about dying and now I felt really alive. I felt like I was living a real life. I felt like Pinocchio. I’m a real boy now; scratch that, a real man.
I was sated because I had gotten more than I needed from Nicki. We were in our regular spots in her bed watching TV. I was really watching it and she was reading a book. I had my arm around her and she was leaning on my chest with her paperback book up close to her face. This is what we did sometimes after sex. We just stayed together but did separate things.
There was the intrusive sound of the doorbell that halted us both. It was a few minutes before midnight. I removed my arm from around Nicki’s shoulder.
“Who could that be? I haven’t had anybody over. I just moved here.” She frowned.
“Check the cameras, see if you know who it is?” I pulled the comforter back and let Nicki ease out of the bed. She headed to the closet where the video screens were embedded in the closet wall.
Nicki was right about not having anyone over. In the last three months her mother and I were her only visitors. She had been working so hard her friends hadn’t even come over to see her new place. I really wanted to know who thought it was okay to come over this late. I was the only one that showed my face at her door at night. I had to wait for Kelly to go to sleep to come back and spend the night with Nicki. We had a routine.
Nicki peeked from the closet. “It’s Kelly’s father Clifford. What the fuck does he want?”
“To fuck you.” Did I say that?
Nicki’s face looked like I said something gross. “Why? We haven’t slept together in three years. I haven’t seen him or talked to him in like eight months.”
The doorbell rang again. I got out of bed. I could see she was rattled.
“Luke, should I ignore him?”
“No, go see what he wants. I’m sure he knows you’re home.”
“Okay fine, where’s my robe.”
Nicki dashed back into the walk-in closet. She emerged with a long ivory satin robe. I didn’t even know she had that robe. She has so many clothes and the shoe collection is utterly ridiculous. She put the robe on and tied the belt around her waist. She covered up all her good parts.
“Be cool. This is probably just a bootie call.”
“Ugh! Why? How? I didn’t even give him my new address.”
Her reacted erased any jealous feelings that I had. The bell rang again. “Go, I will be here waiting.”
“I’m going to get rid of him. I will be right back.” With a head nod I released Nicki to her ex. Oddly she was looking for my approval. I gave it to her. I was a jealous man but she made me feel secure. I needed to see what this guy looked like. I rushed into her closet so I could see this guy on closed circuit TV. He was tall, not tall as me. He was a light black man. He dressed stuffy like an old guy. I turned the intercom on so I could hear their conversation.
Nicki opened the door and Clifford stepped in. I had my intercom on mute but I had the one in the foyer ready for my waiting ears.
“Cliff, what are you doing here?”
“I was in the neighborhood.” His voice wasn’t that deep.
“How did you know where I live?”
“Nicole, come on I keep an eye on you.”
“Kelly is sleep. It’s midnight.”
“I wanted to see your new place. Give me a tour.”
“Now is not a good time. My boyfriend is here.”
“Right, you don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Cliff, my boyfriend is upstairs.”
“Why are you lying to me? You know you can’t keep a man with that bitchy attitude of yours and where is his car? It’s not in the driveway.”
“I’ve changed.”
Clifford chuckled. “Changed into what?”
What a dick.
“Cliff, did you come here for sex?”
“Are you offering?’
“No, I’m not. Your daughter is asleep and you know that. All our communication should be through my office and during office hours.”
“I thought you might be lonely in this big house. You miss me?”
“No not at all.”
I had heard enough. I could see that this guy was an ass. I went down the back staircase as quietly as I could. I went into the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. I twisted the cap off and took a drink. I strolled toward the foyer like I owned the place.
I stopped a few feet near Nicki. I made sure old man Clifford heard me before he saw me. “Nicki, what’s taking you so long?” I called out.
Nicki’s eyes bulged at the sight of me. I strolled briskly toward Nicki until I was planted firmly beside her with my bottled beer in one hand. I was nude from the waist up. It was on purpose of course. I could have put a shirt on but I was well aware that my tattooed muscular body was very intimidating to the average size guys. I was the Hulk and they were Spiderman, huge difference.
“I am almost done here.” Nicki declared.
I man stared old Cliff. He was anything special. His best feature was his green eyes and they were beady. “Oh I’m sorry Nicki. I didn’t know your dad was coming over.” I glared at Clifford and watched him take my direct verbal jab.
“Luke, this is Kelly’s father, Clifford.”
“Oh right, the married guy.” Another direct hit, I’m on fire tonight. I took another gulp from the beer bottle.
“So you’re the boyfriend.” Clifford raised a suspicious or disapproving eyebrow. Fucking dick.
“Boy…that’s funny.” I glared at Nicki and her mouth fell open. “Clifford I would shake your hand but my hands and my fingers.” I lifted my two fingers to my nose and closed my eyes and inhaled. “They’re dirty.” I opened my eyes and Nicki was getting embarrassed but turned on. I could see it. I knew her body like the back of my hand.
“It’s not a problem. Maybe some other time.”
“Yeah I will see you some time next year.” I goaded the deadbeat.
“I doubt it. Nicole’s doesn’t keep her boyfriends too long.”
I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help it. Clifford was hilarious. I smiled. “Clifford, Nicki doesn’t keep me. I keep her. You should probably phone first. I keep Nicki pretty busy every night.”
“Well Nicole I see you’re busy.”
“Very busy.” She added. That’s my good girl.
“Okay well Lukas it was nice meeting you.”
I sneered. “Clifford, was it nice? Or just extremely uncomfortable for you?” I tilted the bottled beer to my lips and guzzled it down completely. “Nicki you have three seconds.” I glared at her. She hurried around Clifford and opened the front door. I turned my back on both of them and went up the stairs.
Nicki better be right behind me. I had no doubt she would be. She entered her bedroom a few seconds behind me. She had another beer in her hands. She handed it over to me.
“I couldn’t open it.” She admitted. “My hands are sweaty.”
“Thanks babe. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just kind of hate him. I’m glad you ran him off. He’s an asshole.”
“Anytime, he’s mean to you and a shitty father. It looks like he’s a shitty husband to his wife. I don’t respect him.”
“I don’t either.” Nicki slipped her robe off and placed it in the chair. I was distracted by her erect nipples. “You were so sexy downstairs.” She smiled with only one side of her face.
I grinned. “Was I?”
“Yes, you made me wet.”
“What exactly about me made you wet?”
“Every word that came out your mouth made me wet. I want to smell your fingers. That was the highlight.”
Whatever Nicki wants from me I will give to her.
***
Things had been running smoothly. Nicki and I were sort of a couple. I stayed over most nights. I mowed the lawn, emptied the garbage and took her car in for oil changes and maintenance. I wasn’t sure if my presence was overkill but Nicki never told me to back off. She told me she
hated putting gas in the Benz and after that I made sure she never had to do that again.
I liked the dynamics of our relationship. I liked the fact that we were winging it. There were no expectations so we could just be around each other and breathe. She knew how damaged I was from prior relationships with women and she understood my need to shy away from any form of a conventional relationship.
We were a good five months into our relationship. I was genuinely happy. I was sitting on the edge of Nicki’s bed when she walked into the bedroom with a glass of water in hand.
“Luke.”
“Huh.” I looked up at her and removed my shoes. It was bedtime. We both had work in the morning.
“I’ve been asked out on a date.”
“What did you say?” I looked at her painted toes and then up at her face.
“I’ve been asked out on a date.”
“I heard that part. What did you say to the guy that asked you out?” I inquired in an even tone.
“I told him yes.”
“That’s fucked up.” I couldn’t help the scowl that formed on my face.
“Luke listen, I can’t keep turning men down. I respect how you want to live your life but we want different things.”
“How do you know what I want?”
“You have made it clear to me on more than one occasion. No relationship, no kids. That’s cool for you but I want to be a wife one day. I want Kelly to have a step-father and a brother or a sister.”
I’m confused. Where was this coming from? “I’m more of a father to her than her real father. So why is this all of a sudden an issue? You never made it seem like you needed more.”
“I’m not trying to be mean to you but I have this thing called a biological clock. I went to three weddings this year. My plan for my future has always been clear. I never planned on having one kid. I love being a mother. I like being educated and successful. I want another kid and I want to get married. I’m thirty-two years old.”
“You’re an old lady.” I said sarcastically. “You have time.”
“Do I really? I’m thirty-two and there are always younger women for men to choose from. Who marries a thirty something woman when they can have a stretch mark, cellulite free, twenty year old?”
I ignored her little speech. “I’m not letting you go on dates with other guys.”
“Luke come on. You’re not serious.”
“Yeah I’m serious.” I stood up to try to hammer my point across. “I’m not going to stand for it. I’m not going to lose you to some buttoned up suit and tie brother.”
“Okay brother.” She shook her head up and down. “Would you feel better if I dated white guys?”
“That’s a stupid question because I know you’re not going to date any white guys.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I’m the only white guy you dated and I know you prefer your own kind.”
“Well you prefer your own kind, blonde girls with blue eyes. I’m good enough for sex but you would never marry me because I’m black.”
“That’s not true. I don’t want to marry anybody of any race. I don’t want to get married. You know that.”
“Yeah whatever.” She flicked her wrist at me.
“Okay look, you and Kelly are like my family. I’m not ready for you to take away my family. I need you.”
“For sex.”
“No, come on, don’t do that. Don’t say that.”
“We only have sex. How many times have you taken me out on a date? Zero.”
“We’ve gone to the grocery store together. We’ve gone to Home Depot together.”
“You’re joking right? I have never met any of your friends.”
“Tony, you met Tony.” I corrected.
“He’s your employee. I have never met your parents.”
“Why would you want to?” I frowned just thinking of that disastrous scenario.
“So I guess I will just keep sleeping with you until you’re tired of me.”
“That’s fucking stupid. I will never get tired of you. I’m fine with this arrangement.”
“Goddamn Luke you are full of shit.” She rolled her eyes.
“I’m fine with this relationship. I’m not going anywhere. My friends don’t hang with me anymore because I’m no fun. I don’t drink anymore and I’m a total drag because I’m the guy with the dead daughter. I can’t take you around my family because it would be very weird when I don’t see them myself. My mother is racist and my father follows whatever she says. My brother is a meth addict in and out of recovery who would suck cock for a hit. I don’t communicate with those people so I would never subject anyone I love to them.”
There was silence and I knew why. I said I loved her. Damn how did that happen? She heard it and I heard it even though I had no idea I was going to say it. I didn’t even know what love means. The only person I ever truly loved was Hailey and she’s gone. I really care about Nicki and Kelly, but love. I’m not sure about that. So why did I say it?
Nicki turned away from me and started walking away.
“Hey!” I called out to her. “Where are you going?”
“To the bathroom to pee.” She rolled her dark eyes at me.
“Are you going to pee or are you going to freak out?”
“I’m going to pee. If you would like to stand at the door and watch me then that’s on you.”
“Are you kicking me out?”
“No. I’m going to pee. Then when I return I’m going to get in bed and watch TV.”
“Can I still have sex with you?”
“No, but you can make love to me.” She smirked, shrugged and glared into my eyes. She was waiting for me to defy her and I had to good sense to back down. She was in boss mode. I needed to submit or get kicked out of her bed. I wanted to bury my cock inside her foxhole tonight. “Luke, can you make love to me?”
“I can do that.” I eagerly agreed.
Nicki disappeared into her master bathroom. I exhaled and ran my words back over in my mind. Fuck! I do love her. I’m going to lose her to someone else, some guy with more money and a decent upbringing. She would never seriously be with me. I don’t have anything to offer. She wants all the things I don’t. How can I convince her to not want a baby or a lifetime commitment involving a piece of paper and a ceremony? It seemed that the issue was resolved but I wasn’t quite sure. Sex seems to cloud my judgment. Nicki seems to cloud my judgment.
CHAPTER TEN
It had been two weeks before the “L” word slipped from my mouth. I knew there was something wrong. There was something off balance. I could tell by the vacant look in her eyes. Maybe I had done something offensive or wrong. Whatever the problem, I was willing to fix it. I had love for this woman. No that’s gravely understated. I was in love with this woman. I am in love with Nicki.
“Luke, I can’t do this anymore.” Her first words when she entered the house from work.
“Do what?” I turned my eyes from the TV to look at her. I knew by the look in her eyes that she was breaking up with me. She wouldn’t really look at me.
“Us, I need to take a break.”
“A break?” I stood up and walked over to her. She had already placed her briefcase on the couch.
“Yes. I met someone. He is an accountant. We had a few lunch dates and I’m interested in seeing where it goes with him.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I told you before. I want to see other people. What we had is over. I no longer want to see you.”
“What the fuck? When the fuck?”
“Don’t make this hard. I met someone.”
“Who?”
“Does it matter? I don’t want you.”
Shot to the heart. “Is this a test?”
“No.” Her monotone was so fucking frosty.
“Well help me make sense of this nonsense. I don’t have a fucking Master’s degree. Explain this bullshit so a dumbass can make sense of it.”
/>
“I am sorry but we are over. It’s nothing you did. It’s who you are. I met someone better than you.”
Shit! Did she just say that to me, to my fucking face? “Just like that, you’re done.”
“Yes. I am done. We had fun and now it’s over.”
“LOOK AT ME!” I yelled so loud she jumped back a few feet.
“Luke, don’t make this hard. Please just leave and don’t come back.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Please just peacefully leave. I care about this other guy now. I only want to see him. I can’t carry on sleeping with you and see him. So you can’t call me or show up over here anymore. I’m trying to build something with him.”
I was too shocked to be sad. I couldn’t even gather enough emotion for a tear. I had something building inside me and it was rage. She was indeed the devil. I am on that list of stupid men that she discarded without even a bit of empathy. Clifford’s words played in my ears ‘Nicki doesn’t keep boyfriends for long.’
I turned back and grabbed my cell and my keys off the coffee table. I couldn’t really say anything. I paced the floor and stalked over to stare her in the face. She wouldn’t even look at me.
“Nicki.” Her name came out shaky.
“Please leave.” She mumbled and there was no feeling behind her words. I felt like I was being fired. I wasn’t one of her Crome and Foster employees. I was intimate with this woman and she was withdrawn and detached from me.
I wanted to scream I HATE YOU! But that would sound childish. Fuck it. I will throw an adult tantrum. I stomped over to the two thousand dollar flat screen TV. I picked it up ripping the cord from the outlet. I raised it above my head and watched as her eyes bulged. Nicki placed both hands over her mouth.
I spiked the TV like it was a football. It went crashing to the floor and it shattered into a million little shattered pieces.
I looked over at Nicki and she had backed far away from the couch. She was close to the wall leading to the foyer.
She looked afraid of me. She probably thought I would hit her. I didn’t even care she thought the worse of me.
I stormed over to where she stood. She was shaking. You ripped my heart out and you’re upset. I leaned close to her, so close I could smell the scent of her sweat.
