That was the most Johnny had ever told me about what happened on the inside. Tears dripped down my face, and he immediately reached over and dried them. “Julia. I’m sorry. I’ve had a bad few days. This is all I could think of to get through them. I’ve missed you so much, and I love you. Can we not fight?”
“I don’t want to fight,” I whispered. “I love you, Johnny. I want you to do what you can to make this go away.”
He looked away. “It can’t ever go away, Jules. No matter what I do. Trust me.”
“Tell me,” I pleaded.
“No.”
This conversation was much the same as last month. We were at an impasse.
“Tell me about the project you’re working on now.”
For the next half an hour, I sat and explained the entire Adams project to him. He asked questions, I answered them and we pretended that the elephant in the room wasn’t there.
“It’s time for a new intern, right? At the end of every summer?” Damn, for someone who wasn’t even in the business, he sure remembered a lot.
“Yes.”
“Who is it this year? Girl or guy?”
I pictured Carter: how his bright blue eyes focused on mine as I talked, the way his hand rubbed his short scruff as he thought about something, how he smiled when he was happy, the way his muscles moved under the dress shirts he wore every day, the way he watched me when I wasn’t looking and then looked away . . . but also the way he pushed me away but reeled me back in at just the same time.
“You don’t even have to answer that.”
My eyes snapped to his. “Answer what?”
“What’s his name?”
“Whose?”
“The guy that’s the intern.”
I stared at him for a beat too long, and he began to laugh. “You were never good at poker, Jules.”
“What does that mean?”
“Everything you think is written right on your face. Does he know?”
“Does who know what?”
“Are you in love with him?”
I stared at him. “What are you talking about? Weren’t you asking about the intern?”
He nodded, his dimples indenting on either side of his mouth at his amusement. “You told me all I needed to know other than what his name was.”
“I didn’t say it was a man.”
“Yes, you did.”
“Johnny.”
“I asked you if it was a girl or a guy and you went away, into outer space. You got that look in your eyes, Julia. Unless you swing the other way now, that look was about a guy. You’re gone over him. He can’t have been there for that long, so that means you’ve fallen hard and fast. Does he feel the same? What. Is. His. Name?”
“It’s not like that,” I said, feeling the flame rise into my cheeks.
He looked me up and down. “Have you told your heart that?”
I wasn’t going to get anywhere with this, and I knew it. I might as well be honest. “His name is Carter McIntyre. He’s from Florida. Things are . . . complicated.”
Johnny clapped. “I knew it! All things are complicated, sweetheart. Tell me more. Someone deserves to be happy.”
The bottom fell out of my stomach, and I turned away. How could I even think about talking to him about Carter when he was here, unable to see anyone but me once a month? How could I do that to him? “It’s nothing, Johnny.”
“Don’t do that. Please. It gives me a little escape from my life, to listen to you. Especially if you’re happy. Please tell me. I need you to be happy.”
I covered Johnny’s hands with mine. “I like him. A lot. But he has wanted this internship since he knew our company existed. He wants a permanent job. He’s got real talent, beyond even what I can do.”
“Not possible,” Johnny boasted. I rolled my eyes. Typical.
“I can appreciate that about him,” I continued. “I’ve never been the aggressor before, Johnny. It feels . . . weird. I can’t seem to help it when I’m around him.”
“What about him?”
“Well, we’ve kissed. He’s interested, but he keeps pushing away because he thinks he’s going to lose his shot at his dream.”
Johnny’s face contorted. “Julia. I’m going to tell you this one time. Listen carefully. If this man—any man—won’t put you before his job, if you aren’t his ‘dream’, then he isn’t the right one. A job is a job is a job. Yeah, so what. GSJ is a good company. There are a million out there. He could make his own damn company. Don’t settle for someone who sees you as second place. You are the prize, sweetheart. Freaking number one. So, screw him. Don’t go after him anymore. If he’s going to be stupid enough to push you away, he doesn’t deserve you.” He lifted my chin and rubbed his rough thumb on my cheek.
“You are the most beautiful person, Julia Aylen Gibbons. Inside and out. You have so much to offer, and you need to wait until the right person sees that you are a rare treasure. When you find that person, you will feel it. He will make you feel it, all the way to your bones.”
“How do you know so much about this?” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if Carter would ever be able to see me over his job.
Johnny looked away for a moment, and I saw him watching the same small child I’d seen earlier. “I haven’t told you everything all these years, Jules. Just know being in here wasn’t my only screw up in the world. There’s another one that hurts even worse.”
“Johnny.” I walked over to his side of the table and sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around him. “I want you to come home. You can make everything right.”
“There are some things that can never be right again,” Johnny replied.
“I want to make it better for you.”
“You can’t. But you can do one thing for me.”
“Anything. You know that.”
“Be happy. Don’t work your life away. Promise me, Jules.”
I cupped his face in my hands, and for a moment we just stared into each other’s eyes. “You’re going to get to have a life again, Johnny. You know that, right? This is only temporary.”
He tightened his hold on my waist. “I have so much time left . . . it feels like I’ll die in here.”
“No.” I stood up, crossing my arms over my chest. “Don’t say that. You are not going to die in here. You’ll have so much of your life left when you get out. You just have to stay away from the life you had before, start over.”
A buzzer signaled, indicating the end of visiting time. Johnny stood, wrapping his strong arms around me again. “Thank you for coming, Julia. I love you. I’ll count down the hours until I get to see you again. Next month when you come, I want you to tell me you’ve been on at least a few dates, and you’re doing something other than work.”
I gripped his ugly prison shirt, wishing I never had to say goodbye again. “I love you too, Johnny. I always will.”
He tipped my face back and pressed a kiss on my forehead. “See you next time.” He released me and walked to the door, looking back one more time before disappearing back into the prison. I crossed my arms over my body, wishing for the millionth time I could do something, anything, to make him change his mind.
My alarm went off, but I was still staring at the ceiling like I had been all night. I hadn’t slept a wink. Like every time I went to see Johnny, I was emotionally exhausted. It tore me up, to see him in there, with no hope for his future. It wasn’t true. He’d have time once his sentence was over to change his life. I also knew that he wasn’t telling me the whole truth. Especially about why he wouldn’t do the one thing that could get him out of there. He was always trying to protect me.
I thought about what he said about Carter, and I knew he was right. I may be barking up the wrong tree there. As attracted as I was to him, maybe that was all it was. The problem was, even as I thought that for the hundredth time since I laid down last night, I knew that there was more to it. I wasn’t just attracted to him. I wanted to know everything about him. I liked talking to him. But
Johnny had a point. I wasn’t sure Carter was the kind of guy that would put anyone above his dream. I knew he had a story, something traumatic he’d been through and something about his parents, but if he never would share with me, I’d never understand.
I needed to get up. Despite getting home late from Oklahoma, I had some work to do with Colorado Cares, and I was glad. Otherwise, I’d spend all day worried about what was going through my mind. Weekends were hard for me; it was better for me to be busy. I swung my legs off the side of the bed, automatically reaching for my phone to check my messages. I’d kept my phone off all day yesterday, not able to deal with anyone needing me for anything. I’m sure the poor old guy I’d sat next to on the flight home had been worried about the blubbering mess he sat next to, but I couldn’t help it.
I clicked my voicemail icon and put the phone to my ear, expecting to hear Paige’s voice. When Carter’s voice came through instead, I jumped up. “Julia, it’s Carter. I need your help on something with Adams. Can you call me back? I’m sorry to bother you, but Ethan doesn’t know the answer and your parents aren’t here. Thanks.”
I listened to the voice mail three times just so I could hear his voice say my name. God, he was like a drug. Hopefully whatever was going on with Adams hadn’t been an emergency, but as I listened to the other voicemails from Paige, then my dad, all about other things, I figured it hadn’t been too much of an issue.
I pulled up my text screen and sent Carter a message, knowing it was early and a Saturday, so he was probably asleep.
Just got your message. Sorry, I was out of town and my phone wasn’t on. Did everything work out okay with Adams?
I dropped my phone on the bed and walked to the shower, hoping to drown my exhaustion and turn off my mind for a while. After making my skin prune having stayed in there so long, I felt almost human again. After some coffee, I’d be good for at least a few hours of productive volunteering.
I picked up my phone to shove it in my purse when I saw the message back from Carter. Surprised, I slid the message so I could read the whole thing.
I think so. You’ll have to tell me if I handled it okay on Monday. You’re up early.
I smiled, my heart speeding up at his friendly words. I knew I was stupid for reading too much into it, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I’m headed out to volunteer this morning. Carter had no idea that I volunteered, so I was sure that was going to be the next question. I volunteer at Colorado Cares.
What is that?
I forget the boy wasn’t from here. It’s an organization that builds homes for underprivileged families.
You’re amazing. I stared at those two words for longer than I would admit to anyone. A huge smile erupted on my face, and I felt his words all the way to my toes.
I like giving back. I’m not that amazing.
I want to volunteer, too! That sounds fun. Could I come?
Carter wanted to come with me to Colorado Cares. I tried to talk myself down in my head, but it wasn’t working. He wasn’t coming for me. He was coming to help. Right? Right.
Of course! They never turn down volunteers. Do you want me to give you the address, or do you want me to come pick you up? I already knew what he was going to say. He may want to come help, but he didn’t want to be alone with me in the car.
Could you come get me? I just need to jump in the shower. How long? I tried hard, really, really hard not to picture him in the shower, the water running down his chiseled body, but I failed. I had to play it cool. I wasn’t going to throw myself at him.
I’ll be there in about thirty minutes. When he answered with just a smiley face, I jumped up and down in my kitchen. I was going to spend the day with him.
I knew it was early and she was going to kill me, but I had to talk to Tracey. I hit her number and squealed while it rang. Now I had to make sure I looked good enough to spend the day sweating with Carter. I put the phone on speaker and ran back to my bathroom to check my appearance while it continued to ring. She wasn’t going to answer. Dang it.
“Tracey, it’s me. I know it’s early, and you’re asleep like most people. Well, the craziest thing happened. You know I went to see Johnny yesterday, and I was all depressed and upset. I haven’t slept a wink. So I got up this morning and saw a message from Carter yesterday, so I texted him back, not expecting him to be up. He texted me back, and he wants to come with me to Colorado Cares! I’m freaking out. I know, I know. I can’t read too much into this. He’s pushed me away every single time. But I can’t help it. Call me back! You have thirty minutes before I pick him up!” I put the phone down on the counter and stared at myself in the mirror.
My dark hair was in a French braid, and I was wearing a pair of jean shorts and a Colorado Cares tank top. I leaned over, examining my face in the mirror. My face was flushed, and my eyes no longer showed any signs of exhaustion. I only had on foundation and mascara, so I added a little pink lip gloss for effect. I turned back and forth in the mirror, examining my body from all angles. Carter was used to seeing me dressed up. Even the night neither of us liked to talk about I was wearing a skirt and heels. The most casual he’d seen me was the night we went shopping and to dinner. Well today he was going to see even more casual Julia, and even sweaty Julia.
The thought of sweating with Carter made me blush again, wishing I could sweat with him in a different way. Ugh. I wished I could remember that night. If it had been the one and only time I’d ever get to sleep with him, at least I could remember it. Then again, who knew what had happened.
I grabbed my keys and purse, ready to drive the ten minutes to Carter’s apartment. My hands shook as I locked my front door. “Julia. For the love,” I whispered to myself. I seriously needed to get a grip.
My phone rang just as I got to my car. “Tracey. Thank goodness. Perfect timing.”
“You get up too damn early,” she grumbled. “And you’re way too peppy for someone who hasn’t slept all night.”
I laughed. “Sorry.”
“Okay, so he asked to come with you to Colorado Cares. For some reason you think that is because he wants something with you?”
Leave it to Tracey not to sugar coat things. “I—-”
“Julia. I need to meet this man. It’s about time I figure out what his agenda is. I’m going to get a group together tonight and we’re going out. Bring him. No excuses. I’ll text you with details later. As for today, just play it cool. Remember what we talked about before. Let him come to you. You’ve been very clear in what you want.”
I was a little afraid to have Tracey meet Carter, but it shouldn’t be too hard to convince him to go out with us tonight, especially if it was with a group. He wanted to meet people here, I knew that. He’d been hanging out with Ethan at work, and he could invite him as well.
“Okay, sounds good. I’ll just go about my business as usual and he can follow along since that’s what he wanted to do. I’ll see you tonight.”
“I’m going back to bed now,” Tracey grumbled. “It’s a good thing I love you, Jules.”
I disconnected the call as I pulled up to Carter’s apartment building. He was standing against a light pole, his legs crossed at the ankles. He was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, hiding those stunning eyes. When he saw my car, he smiled, and I swore I felt it all through my body. He wore a light blue shirt that was probably close to the color of his eyes. It was stretched tight over his chest and arms, making my mouth water. He wore a pair of basketball shorts he probably worked out in, and sneakers. His legs flexed as he walked, making my eyes zero in on the fine specimen of man he was.
I felt caught when he opened the car door, my face flushing as I realized he probably caught me ogling him. “Good morning,” I said. Carter grinned, putting a small cooler on the floor in the backseat.
“Good morning,” he repeated, sliding into the front seat. He leaned over and kissed my cheek, and I sat stunned. The scent of his after shave or body gel or something wafted through my nose, and i
t made me want to grab him and give him way more than a kiss on the cheek. “I packed us some sandwiches and waters. I figured we’d be gone for the day.”
I hadn’t a clue what in the heck this man thought. One second he was pushing me away and the next he was kissing me on the cheek and packing me a sandwich. Maybe that was his end game, confusing the hell out of me.
“Thanks for letting me come,” Carter said, continuing as if nothing happened and I wasn’t staring stupidly at him.
“O-of course,” I said.
“How long have you been doing this?”
“Years. I started in high school for a class I was taking and haven’t stopped since.”
“So what’s on the agenda?” I swung the car around and headed out of Denver.
“We’re going to a neighborhood that Colorado Cares is building outside of Denver. We’ll check in with Colby, who is the project manager out there. He’ll tell us what he wants to focus on. I usually work on the homes once they are mostly through with the construction, but I’ll help with anything he needs.”
“So you help build the houses too?”
“Not as much anymore, but yes, I have. I like doing the inside stuff. Painting, choosing colors with the families, flooring, drapes, furniture. It’s rewarding to get their input on what they want their house to look like. For so many of them, they’ve never had anything that was theirs before.”
Carter studied me as I drove. “Do you do this every weekend?”
“Not always. Usually once or twice a month.”
“You’re an interesting woman, Julia. Thank you for letting me come with you.”
“I have to warn you,” I said, forcing myself not to comment on his compliment. “You’ll be put to work. They see a young guy and they’ll capitalize on that. You’ll be sweaty and dirty in no time at all.”
“Sweaty and dirty, huh? Will you want me back in your car at the end of the day, or will I need to strip down?”
It was a damn good thing I was driving the car. Was he flirting with me? I thought about what Tracey said and forced myself not to flirt back.
“I’ll let you in the car with your clothes on. I’m sure I’ll be sweaty and dirty, too.” God, that was hard. I simultaneously hoped Colby put us working together and as far apart as he possibly could.
Back to the Drawing Board Page 11
