by John Moe
• Provide “house alibis” to guests who neglect to bring their own. Apparently Mr. Henley thought it important to remind people to bring their alibis. If a guest forgets a toothbrush, we always have some at the front desk. We should do the same here. Why would someone need an alibi? That’s none of our business.
• Streamline checkout procedures to accommodate guests’ desire to actually leave. Honestly, why is this even necessary to point out? I regularly find stock rooms full of unhappy guests when I come in to work in the morning. Just let them leave when they check out!
MINUTES FROM 9/12/99 ALL-DINOSAUR MEETING
PRESIDENT JEFF MARTIN (TYRANNOSAURUS REX) called the meeting to order at 7:00 p.m. precisely.
PRESIDENT MARTIN’s remarks:
“First of all, I want to thank everyone here for electing me to the position of President of the Business Development Council. I know that I have that ‘Rex’ in my name and a bit of a reputation but you still didn’t have to vote for me. I hope I earned your votes through my dedication and intellect, not just the threat of me eating you.”
NANCY KENDRICKS (COMPSOGNATHUS) asks if she would have been eaten had she voted for, say, one of the Stegosauruses.
PRESIDENT MARTIN simply smiles and continues his remarks:
“The purpose of this council is to figure out how to accomplish something that Mr. John Hammond—all hail The Creator—never could: how to open the gates of Jurassic Park for tourism. And to do that with dinosaurs running the place. There are several challenges on the way to accomplishing this goal, but I think most of us would agree that the rewards would be considerable.”
PRESIDENT MARTIN asks the dinosaurs in attendance if anyone has any objections to pursuing this objective.
ART LAWSON (TROODON) raises a spindly arm and is called upon:
“Jeff, thank you for providing this forum. Now, we Troodons aren’t as large as some of you, but there are a lot of us. Ours has been a very successful species and unlike some of those in attendance this evening, we have found no trouble procreating or finding food. For whatever reason, we do well.”
A shout of “Racist” is heard from the back of the room. President Martin gavels the room to order with his comically tiny, almost useless arm.
MR. LAWSON continues.
“So I think this is an unnecessary and dangerous step. We’re finding plenty to eat among the sick and old among the rest of you guys. And your babies. Nothing personal. And you’ll recall the other times people have come here, it didn’t work out too well. Lots of violence.”
JENNIFER PORTER (VELOCIRAPTOR) hisses loudly and is called upon:
“From my species’ vantage point, people visiting the island has worked out really great. You guys know what people are made of, right? Meat. They are fresh meat walking around. You unwrap them by taking their clothes off and they’re just all meat. Along the way, some of our pack died but since we’re incapable of feelings of loss and grief that’s no big deal. We say open the place and bring on the meat!”
Hisses of approval from Velociraptor section of the auditorium.
PRESIDENT MARTIN speaks:
“Jennifer brings up what I think is a really good point. You see, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Which is hard, given the size of MY brain! [general laughter in the room] And the goal shouldn’t be to eat the actual people who come to visit [boos from the room, hisses from the Velociraptors]. Now now, hear me out, folks. If we can open this business and if it can be US running the business, then maybe we can get something more than meat out of the arrangement. Maybe we can all acquire a little something called ‘independence.’ Now, I love Mr. Hammond—all hail The Creator—but a ‘Jurassic Park’ run by people just makes those people successful and profitable, all the while making us, the dinosaurs, indentured servants. And there wouldn’t be a park if it weren’t for us! If, on the other hand, we’re doing the marketing, the accounting, the transportation, all the day-to-day operations of the park, then we’re really running our own show.”
GUS MATTHEWS (STEGOSAURUS) laboriously raises a leg:
“But that doesn’t leave any time for roaming around grazing on plants.”
MARY STEIN (MAIASAURA) speaks up:
“I think what Jeff is saying is that we get money from the people and then trade it for food and other things. Jeff, am I getting that right?”
PRESIDENT MARTIN replies:
“Yes! Precisely. They give us money, then we buy livestock for the predators—they’re totally delicious, you guys—and vegetation for the herbivores. You don’t even have to hunt or look around for it. It’s right there.”
DON RUPRECHT (PACHYCEPHALOSAURUS) speaks up:
“Whoa, whoa, Jeff. You’re losing me, dude. Under this scenario, I understand that we eat something called ‘money,’ but then how do we decide who among the dinosaurs are going to be killed and eaten?”
PRESIDENT MARTIN replies:
“Don, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m not making myself clear—”
MR. RUPRECHT replies:
“Or maybe you are. I wouldn’t know, I run into things with my head all day. So …”
PRESIDENT MARTIN replies:
“I’ve written up a pamphlet on the whole system. Can anyone here read? Anyone? No? Okay, well, I’ve got a PowerPoint I can show in a little while.”
MS. PORTER (VELOCIRAPTOR):
“What Jeff is saying is that we bring the people here, we take their money, we show them around, they have a great time—”
PRESIDENT MARTIN:
“Yes. Thank you, Jennifer.”
MS. PORTER:
“And then we eat them.”
PRESIDENT MARTIN:
“No!”
SANDY O’NEIL (TRICERATOPS):
“I think a lot of this sounds really interesting and I can totally get behind the idea of us not eating each other. I’m an herbivore, but I’d rather not impale those of you who try to eat me. I don’t enjoy that and it is messy. My objection is with the name Jurassic Park. My ancestors weren’t Jurassic, they were from the late Cretaceous. If people come here and think that I’m a Jurassic, I would be pretty embarrassed about that.”
KAZUMI KOBAYASHI (BRACHIOSAURUS):
“We should call it that because that’s what Mr. Hammond—all hail The Creator—called it! He gave us life. Besides, Jurassic rules!”
General commotion in the room followed by chant of “Ju-Rass-Ic! Ju-Rass-Ic!” among Jurassic-era dinosaurs. PRESIDENT MARTIN gavels the room to order.
PRESIDENT MARTIN:
“Okay, look. Things are getting heated here and it’s late. Some of you want to get back to foraging or eating others of you. I just want a quick show of hands or legs or talons or whatever these appendages I have are [general laughter] to see if any of you have experience in the following areas: accounting [no response], facilities operations [no response], security [no response], advertising [no response], legal?”
PHIL LUNDEEN (DEINONYCHUS) raises his hand.
PRESIDENT MARTIN:
“Wow. Phil. Really? You’ve done legal work?”
MR. LUNDEEN:
“No, I’m just so hungry right now, Jeff. This is taking forever. I’m wondering if it would be okay to just kill and eat someone here. Someone small like that Compsognathus over there.”
MS. KENDRICKS (COMPSOGNATHUS):
“Hey!”
PRESIDENT MARTIN:
“I think this is a good place to stop for now. Good meeting, everyone. We’ll meet back here next Thursday and maybe we can do some brainstorming then. No bad ideas. As is customary, we’ll ask the predators to remain behind for five minutes to give everyone else a head start.”
REJECTED
PROPOSALS
SUPER BOWLS I TO V
SUPER BOWL I—JANUARY 15, 1967
• Folk icon Bob Dylan submitted a proposal to play a set of songs with his guitar plugged into an electric amplifier. The Committee, vomiting with rage, felt that this would be an act tantamount to Judas betraying
Jesus Christ, which is certainly not the ideal tone for what it hopes will be an institution.
• John Lennon submitted a proposal to spend the halftime explaining his remarks about being more popular than Jesus. The Committee is of the opinion that this would be kind of a downer. If the Beatles were to perform, that would be one thing but otherwise, no thank you.
• Arizona State University and Grambling State University marching bands were hired instead, along with Al Hirt.
SUPER BOWL II—JANUARY 14, 1968
• Upon receiving the submission for a musical tribute to The Graduate, the Committee certainly weighed the possibility. The Graduate was the top-grossing film of the last year and it featured a lovely soundtrack by folk duo Simon & Garfunkel. While the Committee feels that the music is perhaps a bit too mellow for a football stadium full of fans, the real problem is the proposed staging. Dustin Hoffman shows no apparent background as a song-and-dance man. Also, the large plate glass window scene would be hard to erect and safely haul away, and the Committee fears that a feeling of directionless American pathos would be difficult to convey at Miami’s Orange Bowl.
• Grambling State University’s marching band was brought back. Sweet lord how the Committee loves that Grambling band!
SUPER BOWL III—JANUARY 12, 1969
• The Supremes are a well-known and very talented singing group but the Committee was reluctant to accept their proposal to reenact the 1968 election. Leaving aside the obvious dissonance of having a black woman (Flo Ballard) play George Wallace, the Committee simply could not imagine Diana Ross being an effective Richard Nixon.
• Led Zeppelin’s “Salute to Rosemary’s Baby” created similar fears of inexact casting.
• Florida State University’s marching band was used, though many Committee members were a little misty-eyed, missing the Grambling band.
SUPER BOWL IV—JANUARY 11, 1970
• Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins jointly proposed a panel discussion about the problems they’ve had readjusting to society. Obviously, the moon landing was the biggest event of the past year and the Committee is very interested in celebrating the achievement. The men’s depression is simply not what most Americans choose to think about. The Committee’s suggestion to recreate the moon landing as a musical number to the sounds of Sly & the Family Stone was not met with a reply.
• As for the “Woodstock: Super Bowl–style” idea, the Committee feels that the proposed distribution of lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) to the entire stadium audience is inadvisable due to concerns about legality, health, logistics, and security.
• Carol Channing chosen instead, although she refused to wear a Grambling marching band outfit. Committee made appointment with psychiatrist to deal with Grambling emotions.
SUPER BOWL V—JANUARY 17, 1971
• The Committee received a proposal for Jack Klugman and Tony Randall’s salute to the late Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. The Committee understands ABC’s desire to promote its new program The Odd Couple, but no. Just no. God, no.
• Southwest Missouri State University’s marching band was brought in and the Committee was fine, they were just fine.
MUPPET STUDIOS
CASTING OFFICE
NOTICE OF MUPPETS NOT INVITED TO PARTICIPATE IN MOVIE AND TELEVISION PROJECTS
August 5, 1976
Hi everyone,
As you know, we will soon be debuting our television show, which we anticipate will be a great success and lead to several major motion pictures. This means new employment opportunities for several of you, including those who weren’t really appropriate for Sesame Street.
Unfortunately we don’t have room for everyone in the cast of this next phase. As always, those of us in the entertainment division will provide stipends to all members of the Muppet species. We know it’s hard for you to gain employment given your appearance and the fact that most humans understand you to be puppets made of felt.
So, again, sorry, but here’s who’s not making the cut and why:
• Louis the Squirrel. Too outspoken about anti-Semitic beliefs
• Mike Rat. Carries plague
• Epic Poetry Emu. We’re trying to run a tight show and two-hour poems just don’t fit. As a side note, we are still very proud of your MFA.
• The Amazing Wally. Chronic explosive diarrhea
• Geraldine Giraffe. Too hard to frame in shots; hooked on pain pills
• Tiny Tom and his Amoeba Troupe. We never know if they’re actually present at any given time. It’s possible they may have disappeared, died, or were just imaginary all along.
• Kevin the Frog. Kermit feels it is best if his brother is not involved with the show or movies given all that happened as children.
• Shaggy Pink Monster. Unlike other big silly monsters, tends to actually kill and eat people
• Bleedy Bear. Unable to get insurance
• The Podiatrist. Not enough entertainment opportunities for Muppet obsessed with only podiatry
• Ungrateful Hippo. Furthers unfortunate (though largely true) stereotype of hippos
• Muppet God. Best left as an unseen force rather than physical manifestation
Thanks again, everyone!
J. Henson
Secretary
RESTAURANTS
Cheers
Boston, MA
Ugh! What a disappointment!
The service from our foul-mouthed waitress was terrible and the food didn’t even taste like food. Almost like it was just prop food from a play or something? The decor of Cheers is nice enough around most of the place, lots of Boston sports memorabilia but somewhat upscale. But the absolute worst part of Cheers is the spooky abyss of darkness located along one wall. It’s not wood, it’s not even wall, it’s just … darkness. We gazed into it for a long time and could have sworn we saw cameras moving around here and there and lighting equipment being adjusted.
Even more eerie is the fact that occasionally a voice will call out from the darkness and the bar staff will suddenly stop everything they’re doing and then go back and repeat whatever they had just done! We were so freaked out by that and the dark abyss that we barely noticed the gales of laughter that would occasionally burst forth from nowhere and for no apparent reason.
Regal Beagle
Santa Monica, CA
If there’s one thing that characterizes the late 1970s in Southern California, it’s an interest in faux English pubs that are haphazardly constructed and operated. Yep, nothing the beach kids and surfers and aspiring starlets crave more than a dark and musty British-themed drinking establishment complete with bartender dressed in oddly formal attire. The Regal Beagle fits that bill! I live right near the place with two girl roommates and, oh, did I mention that I’m a GUY? It’s pretty great, but I have to pretend that I’m light in the loafers so that our landlord will allow me to stay there. Here in 1978, landlords are really uptight about that even though we’re in California, which is arguably the hedonism capital of the world and supposedly the most open-minded place in America. Anyway, I like to go down to “The Beagle” with my clinically oversexed friend Larry. There’s always a table right in front of the camera for us and the other customers never make any sound at all. So yeah, it’s pretty great.
What is this magic typewriter I’m using?
Rick’s Cafe Americain
Casablanca, Morocco
I’m just going to come out and say it: political tension makes it hard to enjoy your meal! Rick’s is a nice enough place, but it is chock FULL of Germans, French resistance operatives on the run, Americans with conflicted allegiances, and Italians of uncertain loyalties. And you never know when things are just going to erupt! I was enjoying my jalapeño poppers appetizer when a group of German officers singing “Die Wacht am Rhein” was drowned out by French sympathizers belting out “La Marseillaise.” I mean, HELLO?! I’m trying to enjoy my poppers over here!
Black-and-white decor was neat, though
. I don’t know how they pulled that off!
* * *
Moe’s Tavern
Springfield, ?
Dirty, sad, shattered all that I thought I knew about the fundamental tenets of the universe—physics, humanity, and reality due to the oddly animated appearance of the bar and its inhabitants. Pool table was missing equipment.
* * *
Soup Kitchen International
New York, NY
This small restaurant has received a great deal of acclaim among those whom Chef deems worthy of eating his soup. That acclaim has led to problems from undesirables in the neighborhood such as marginally successful comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his stupid friend Elaine. They enjoy the soup although they try to mock Chef’s authoritative manner by calling him “The Soup Nazi.” They are mistaken. Nazis hated Jews and homosexuals. Chef and his followers hate only all foods other than soup.
Seinfeld and his friends don’t realize that soup is the master food. It is liquid and solid; it is food and beverage. I am a follower of Chef ever since my early days as a member of Soup Youth. I wear the Soup Party attire to let the world know that I am proud of my meal.
Only when we banish the impure lunch options (pizza, gyros, sandwiches) can we really achieve greatness as diners. If that means invading the Polish restaurant next door or even Monk’s Cafe, I’m ready.
* * *
Bronto Burgers
Bedrock
