I wasn’t sure if I got that right. The way White phrased it was so odd. But I remember what he had told me once before: that Jay had chosen me. And realization hit me right then and there. I thought that it had been about our first meeting, about him accepting me, but actually, obviously Jay had picked me, literally chosen me.
“So why did he chose her in the first place, didn’t he realize? If he’s that reasonable as you say”, the guy questioned and luckily he seemed to follow the same strain of thoughts my mind trailing.
“He didn’t actually know that there would be consequences. He didn’t realize why we gave him that footage of those different people”, White shrugged again and leaned against the desk. “I doubt he knew that we would abduct the one he would watch the most.”
Jay really picked me, chose me out of a pile of others. I don’t know if I really should be happy about this, or rather feel sick and disgusted. And yet it makes my heart flutter just thinking of this, that for Jay I am special.
“Footage?” his guest asked, and I could hear him cocking his brows.
“I told you about it, you all were okay with this: to pick potential partners. How did you think we would make them choose? They needed to get to know them, so we filmed them, copied photos. Ten is the one I started with and depending on the results we will let others, like Four, choose as well”, White explained with that same patience he was showing towards me when he was explaining things. “In the end he was solely watching her tapes, looking at her pictures, even when there were new tapes of others. He only looked at hers.”
“So he likes her?”
“It’s more than that”, his tone was foreshadowing. “I know it’s more than that. You know”, White leaned forward like sharing a secret. “Some of them we knew had already crossed his path in his first life.”
That sentence gave me so much to process, even more as he continued.
“Just like her. I wanted to make sure that he would become more than just attached to his partner. I knew from his psychological evaluation, that the chances of him building up a special connection to his partner would be far higher if he recognized one of them.” He leaned back again. “Admittedly, I didn’t expect it to be her. I thought she would only trigger an emotional attachment. In the end, I really do approve his choice, she’s perfect.”
I had to go back, because of various reasons: my head was spinning from so much information that I barely could see straight. I had met him before, I knew Jay before all of this, in his first life? What does that mean? Do they simply refer to the time before they changed him to his first life, or is this literally his second one? Is he officially dead? Who is he? I don’t remember that face, which I saw so briefly, when Peter brought me to Jay.
I had to force my Dinner down my throat, but I didn’t want to risk bringing up any questions.
How am I supposed to sleep now?
Jay cares about me, has met me before. There is a connection between us, between our former lives. Is that why he feels responsible? Did he feel something for me before all of this? No, it cannot be. Were we neighbors? Was he friend of a friend of mine? We aren’t related, I would remember. But do his parents know mine? How did our paths cross before? How bad must Jay feel knowing that it’s his fault that I’m here?
And now I don’t know if I want to see him again. I mean... they want me to become pregnant.
How long until they decide that it won’t work? What will they do then? Will they kill me?
Day 72
I just can’t sleep. There is no way. I’m wide awake and the second check-in just closed the door again. Now they will return after the lights go on.
I don’t know what to do, or think. They cannot know that I know. I have to sleep, get some rest, maybe not today. They won’t be suspicious because of one day that I behave strangely, after all this is a more than out-of-the-ordinary situation and I have freaked out before. But if I keep on behaving differently, they will know, they will suspect something, if they don’t know already.
They might find out about the vent.
They cannot know.
And still there is this muffled voice in the back of my head, which I chose to ignore, because what it says is so terrifying. Yet, it’s getting harder and harder to pretend it’s not there, to pretend that I’m not hearing its whisper, that all of it, really all of it is part of their plan, and that they know what I am doing. I cannot listen to it right now.
I’m still thinking about the fact that they want me to... That they are using me against Jay is nothing new, but I never imagined that White has planned everything out that precisely.
Not that it really takes me by utter surprise. But saying that he believes Jay is more than just attached to me, that he might have known me before all of this.
What does he mean by that: more than attached, more than caring for me. Does he believe that Jay might actually be... in love with me?
How can you be in love with someone you barely know? Even if we have somewhat met before?
That’s me who says this, me who’s obviously having a crush on the one that...
They have footage of me. Even if we really have met briefly before – which I can’t remember, maybe because it has been so long? Who knows when our lives really did intersect? So Jay more or less knows me, more than any of my classmates. Because of the footage, videos, pictures and who knows what else.
It’s more than just... using me to him. He’s not just following his natural, primal instincts with me.
I need to see him, his face. I need to know what he is like when he’s not... that, when he’s not the beast.
So, I went up again and tried to find the way.
It’s further than I had expected and I needed to climb a lot. I really need to get some tools, something I can pull myself up with more easily, because it makes me lose time and I might be too loud now and then.
Going barefoot helps, but also increases my chance to hurt myself. I guess that I was lucky, but I need to find a way to make it easier to see him.
Yes, I saw him.
I did.
I don’t know what to feel.
Maybe it took me half an hour to get there. I lost track of time. I barely made it back before the lights went on.
It took me too long.
Hopefully they won’t check the recording, if there is any, if they don’t have someone sitting there all night watching over me, maybe I’m just one of many and they didn’t notice; otherwise they would know that I wasn’t in my bed for hours. I don’t know what they would do and I need to see him again, without White.
It took me half an hour I think. I just remember hasting back and overstretching my hand. However: I found him. Suddenly I was at this dead end. First the room beyond it looked like the others: black, dark. I crawled closer just to check, switching my flashlight out quickly. But I saw that the walls were gray and not white, they weren’t painted. So I moved closer. And there he was. I needed some time to adjust my eyes to the dim light, but it was enough for me to recognize this room.
I definitely had prints of the vent’s mesh on my face, that’s how hard I pushed against the grate so I could see him. In any other case I never would have done that, invaded someone’s privacy like that, but I just had to. And I seriously have never expected to see what I saw. I mean, I don’t know what I have expected honestly. I can’t really say, but, I mean, I knew that he would look human. I kind of hoped it, yet... I admit I hoped he wouldn’t look as ghastly as he does as a beast, and I thought I knew what I would see because of the glimpse I had gotten the last time, yet I thought my memory was exaggerating, but now... he is handsome.
No, I’m not writing this down so that I actually believe it. He really looks ... good, very good, my mind wasn’t tricking me. Not one bit. I mean, he really is kind of the-guy-I-would-have-a-total-crush-on good looking (as if I don’t do already do, ha-ha), but just like that kind of guy I secretly would sigh and sob about but never would have gotten a chance
with in real life. How would I not remember him, if we really had met before all of this? And I really dug deep into my memory.
Now, writing this during Breakfast, with my eyes burning and a headache approaching, I wonder if this is why he really chose me, because I would be bursting into butterflies for someone like him considering me. This is my low self-esteem kicking in. Of course that would be the only reason, because it would be guaranteed that I’d be grateful.
Yes, at first he didn’t notice that I was there. I am sure of it. It wasn’t that he chose to pretend to be oblivious to my presence. He was deeply asleep, I could tell by the movement of his chest. Maybe the fan was hiding the little sounds my movements made for a while. But I know why he didn’t catch my scent: because of the same fact he probably didn’t catch it the last time I was at his cell: he uses the t-shirt I left him as a pillow.
Can you imagine: This is the stuff twilight novels are made of, right? Take that, low self-esteem!
Honestly, I don’t know if he smelled me despite my shirt, or heard me, my pulse, my breathing or my movement. How am I supposed to know how much more heightened his senses are?
I hated and still hate it that I made him wake up, because... God, I could watch him sleep for hours. And I ripped him back into reality just by being there. I don’t know if it was just a movement, or my heart racing, or that my fresh scent was stronger than the old one of that piece of clothing. It doesn’t really matter anyhow.
First, he was confused and looked around to not find me there. His eyes are olive green, not this minty-foggy-green. They change, just like everything else. I watched him shake his head slightly, closing his eyes, probably telling himself he was stupid for thinking that I was there. And then they snapped open again, like certainty had caught him in its grip and his eyes flashed bright, like that thin circle around his eyes flooded his usual green.
I guess right then and there Jay knew that he hadn’t been dreaming. He got up onto his feet slowly and stood still to harken for a moment. I bet he thought they were testing him again, because he looked so tense and taut. And right then when I wanted to inhale and whisper, he looked me straight in the eyes and I breathed in because I was paralyzed. Jay’s body didn’t continue warping, though he breathed heavily. It was only his eyes and it made him even more stunning. My suspicions were right: White is forcing him, doing something every time before we meet so that he loses composure. I’m not allowed to see him like this, or he’s not allowed to appear human to me – it doesn’t make any difference. Jay just stared at me and I stared back. Maybe we were both wondering at that moment if this situation was real. Quickly his eyes moved towards the door and its window. It was closed. No one was watching.
What do you say in such a situation?
The only thing I was able to bring out was a faint and insecure “Hi”.
FACEPALM.
He just swallowed. I guess he was too busy with composing himself. He looks so normal, maybe a bit older than me, but not that old. I’m bad at this.
The downside of him looking at me as himself was that I could see how he felt: tormented, haunted, desperate. His hands were clenched into fists.
“Are you okay?” I asked, rather whispered, and again: how stupid! But he answered, speaking lowly: “Yes.”
“I...” I had no idea what to say; I didn’t really believe that I would find him and have a chat.
“I missed you”, I chose out of all the things that were rushing through my brain and apparently this was the last thing he had expected.
His face told me everything.
You know the vent is a dead end, but it’s like nine feet up and there’s not really anything he could climb up, apart from jumping up maybe, but he would leave claw marks on the concrete and they would definitely hear that. There’s no way I can open it without the proper tools, maybe I would be able to kick it out, but imagine the noise.
“Meghan”, was his answer, but the way he said my name, like it was so much more than just a name.
He spoke as if he was able to touch me just by saying it. I never thought this could be possible. And then he added: “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be, really.” I was quick to answer. “You didn’t know the consequences.” My words made him frown. “I overheard White... I mean Severin – talking to someone else.” I explained.
“White?” he just asked not in confusion, rather like he was amused, but I could tell that he knew the real name of our jailer, while I noticed that his eyes had turned back to normal.
“I give them names, you know.” I shrugged.
And he smiled slightly. Dear God this smile, as faint as it was, I felt it warming my bones. It was quick to end and I bet it was because he heard my heart jump into a sprint, or him reminding himself of the situation.
“So... that guy who brought you here...” he asked cautiously, watching my reaction with his head facing away from me.
“Peter?” again it jumped from my lips and I regret it, because his expression darkened as he reasoned: “He told you his real name.”
“Yes”, I responded lowly, feeling guilty.
“I don’t trust him, you shouldn’t trust him”, Jay said, taking a step closer to me, and my heart leaped again.
I never wanted to touch his face more badly than in this moment. Instead, my fingers clawed through the grate.
“You cannot trust anyone here, Meghan”, he whispered. “Not even me.”
His tone became hoarse and he looked away.
“But I do”, I gave back quickly – oh yes, definitely Twilight, I know, but it was what I said, and meant, and what made him tremble. “I know you didn’t want to hurt me. It’s not your fault.”
“But”, he shook his head, avoiding my eyes. “The times after that, I...” Jay was searching for the right words on the floor of his cell.
“I know. It’s the only way you can make sure that we will see each other again. It’s what he told you, right? Like everything else, right?”
I wanted to know, I needed to understand, I tried to explain and he looked up at me again, in awe.
I think that was it. I’m not really used to that expression directed towards me.
“Yes”, he nodded slowly and now his green eyes were glued to my face, warming it – actually I was blushing, but technically that’s still the same.
I don’t want to think about if they put something into my food, or my drinks, if there’s something in the air, or if it’s fate. I don’t really care. I wanted him and I want him still and when I leave, I’ll leave this place with him.
Jay sensed that. I am sure of it, because his eyes were fully bright, coppery green after I pictured sensing his skin against mine, having him closer than close. A glimpse of an eye later the only thing that separated us was that mesh. He had jumped up, his clawed fingers clasping around the mesh that ached a bit due to his weight. He had barely made a sound. The only thing I was worried about was that he could rip it off and wouldn’t get back up, since I haven’t found a way out of here yet.
Then it finally had sunk in that he was close, his fingers next to mine, and his face had slightly warped, slowly changing back. To use his special abilities, he has to change. An insight I didn’t really care about then. I placed my fingers against his, which reached through the grate. I couldn’t touch anything more. But I could see him. Up close, him, his face, his real one. I couldn’t stop ogling.
“You need to go back”, he whispered after minutes of us looking at each other and me stroking his fingers.
I swear, next time we’ll talk more; even though he told me not to visit him too often, just to raise no suspicions.
How was I supposed to do my workout after all of this? However, I at least tried to, because I didn’t want to raise any suspicions.
Music helped a lot.
Strange that just today I wished I had the possibility to listen to the radio and maybe get to listen to some new songs. Then again the only thing I really know is whe
n I’m going to see him again. I want to get to know him, the way he seems to know me. Somehow it feels wrong, because he knows much more about me, than I do about him. I wonder what the footage showed, when and where the pictures were taken, what I was doing and what fascinated him about me that much that he lost interest in the others.
I didn’t expect them to take me today. I don’t know why, but I really wasn’t prepared. Also, there is no way to actually explain the difference between this time and those sessions before; maybe because now I actually met him, Jay, the person, the human.
Even though we only talked briefly, just for a few minutes, still I was able to actually have a conversation with him. I met the human, not the beast. Those few minutes were enough, enough to change everything between us. I don’t know if I regret it, I really don’t know, probably, I should. But it’s too late to change that. Everything is different now, but for them nothing has changed. For them it was just taking me to the cage, closing the metal door, rolling back the gate and waiting for the beast to do whatever it wanted to, what it had to.
For us it was so much more. The simplicity of what we had been doing was stripped away. There had always been some form of anonymity between us, giving us the ability to hide behind not knowing who we were, to pretend that there was no choice. We had been subjects, more or less forced into these situations, but now... the masks had been torn off.
I had heard him say my name.
He had apologized to me for what he had done, for what he had brought me into and I, I had forgiven him.
I was so nervous, like really nervous. And that’s actually the difference between being terrified and nervous. You’re terrified of the unknown, and nervous about the uncertainty. It was like I was waiting for my prom date to show up again, still doubting if asking had just been a prank.
How odd. How awkward. How ridiculous.
I can only guess that it was the same for him. I expected that he had to warp his appearance or that White or his associates had done something to trigger the change.
The Beast And Me Page 16
